Tonight I was a Madwoman - Thank God for Friends

[Silverbirch]

I'm sorry this is a long post, but tonight I really was a madwoman and came very close to getting inside the ex's house and telling him what I thought of him. I actually drove to his place and knocked on the door. I'm really needing to vent.

 

Around 6 weeks ago, as some people at ENA would know, my partner of 4 years told me he needed time apart to think out matters of the relationship and whether we were right for each other. He had been what I and his family thought was depressed about a number of matters in his life. I was shocked. He had told me he loved me so many times. I had texts in my cell phone from the week before telling me he loved and adored me and missed me while I was at work. After telling me he didn't know if we were right for each other, he told me again he loved me, I was his best friend, and the sex he had with me was the best he had ever experienced in his life. He did have some criticisms of me - said I didn't cook enough for him, and it bothered him that he could not discuss philosophy with him - he's an academic and I only have a BA. He had some similar types of criticisms of me. I got a very bad premonition. I guess I knew then he was telling me it was over, but when I asked he said that I was being premature, that he wanted to maintain regular contact with me and blah, blah, blah.

 

I've been devastated these last few weeks and also lost a very close old friend. It's been tough.

 

I've had some things at his place for a while that I've been meaning to get, but at his suggestion, I would get them at a later date when things were less emotional. I moved out a year ago due to him having very major problems with his teenage daughter, and I thought that me moving out until things were settled would be best for their relationship as the problems also with the daughter were getting more and more serious. After I moved out, it got worse for them and he told her she would have to live with her mother. She has refused to speak with him since, and their has been the most incredible hatred and ugliness between him and his ex-wife.

 

Anyway, I texted him a couple of days ago asking if he would mind putting out a computer accessory of mine on the patio and I would collect it after work without disturbing him as it would be late at night. When I got there I found his patio had a whole heap of bags of my property in them. I could barely fit them in my car. I felt very emotional about that. I didn't get to unpack it until tonight - it's still all over my living room floor.

 

Anyway, I know some people here might believe I'm being over-sensitive, but he had actually packed soap of mine off the bath tub, deodorant, every toiletrie, a pair of undies. I just started bawling with hurt and humiliation. I'd been with him 4 years,

taken leave from work to care for his children when they were younger, shared my car with him for over a year as he wrote his off and spent the insurance payout on some of his other debts. I could go on and on.

 

When I saw what he packed, I just felt this rage. I know I deserve the respect and decency to have been told in a kind and respectful way that he was ending the relationship. I became a madwoman. I got in my car and drove to his place. I was going to calmly and politely ask him if I could come in and speak with him. Then I would tell him that he could tell me to my face it was over because I deserved that.

 

When I got there, there were lights on. I went to the door and could see that there were around 30 candles lit in the living room, chocolates and lollies on the coffee table and the house was immaculate. I knocked on the door, but nobody answered. I checked the garage and his car was not there. Then I rang a girlfriend who lived close by. She insisted I leave his place immediately, come down to her place for a coffee and she would talk sense into me.

 

She shared her own experience of having had her heart broken and having done what I did, but the man in question was home with another woman. She told me how much worse it was, and how she just looked like a crazy woman. She put her grief into her art and painted and painted. She did amazing paintings, many of them sold.

 

We talked and talked and I kept repeating myself because the committee meeting in my head is arguing telling me that my ex is not anything like the nice person I fooled myself into believing he was. He was not my best friend. He used me and likely NEVER loved me, and now he has moved onto my replacement - someone who he sees as having more to offer him.

 

Despite crying at my friends, she made me laugh too and we shared some rather personal habits, traits, whatever you want to call it about our exes and had a jolly good laugh together.

 

This might sound conceited to a lot of people, but we both agreed that our exes had absolutely NOTHING in the looks department, but I just adored him for the person I thought he was. That person either never existed or certainly doesn't exist now.

 

I fight the voice of the committee member in my head telling me I love him and want us to be back together and for everything to be alright. I tell myself I'm going to visit a gym tomorrow to find a place where I can get into shape and try and bring some normality and motivation and self-esteem back. It's partly to march time until I can feel something like normal again, until I have adjusted at least.

 

My stomach and chest have ached tonight. I'm tired and have work in the morning, but don't know how I will sleep.

[Di84]

Dear Silverbirch..

I know how you're feeling. I was there just a few months ago. I went completely crazy and would show up at his place, and im embarrassed to say this...but i did that multiple times. I'm happy that you were able to walk away from that situation with the help of your friend. As much as it hurts, please don't go there ..... you will not be able to ocntrol your emotions and you will only end up going even more crazy!!! Love makes us absolutely nuts sometimes. Like i said, trust me, I know!!! and i regret my behaviour now and wish i just walked away with my dignity. The point here is, as hurtful as it may be that our exs have absolutely no respect for us, we need to just accept it for what it is and let time pass with absolutely no contact. Only after a significant period of NC will we ever be able ot gain their respect again. Should we even care to have it down the line...

Go to the gym and hang out with friends and family as much as you can. They will help you get through this..... and so will we!

[Silverbirch]

Thank you Di. This morning, I am so glad I didn't see him last night. I know I would feel very, very bad if I had. All my respect for him is gone, and I believe now that at least a lot of the nasty things his ex-wife says about him are true. He always had big problems sleeping, and now I know why. What a fake.

 

I'll go and get the info from that gym today and start up as soon as I get back from seeing my family. Sorry if I am repeating myself, but I have realised that in the few weeks I have been away from him, I have saved my airfares to go overseas. While I was with him, I was constantly living on the assistance of my overdraft.

 

Thanks again.