After the Hurricane-getting back together

[Honey1]

Good afternoon ENA, it has been so long since I posted and that may be a good thing

I just wanted to give an update to the loyal ENA posters who followed my story last year. I also wanted to give words of encouragement to those who wonder if there is a real chance at working things out after trust is broken or someone cheats.

To sum this up without making you go back and read my threads my bf of 3 years lied and (what some might call) cheated on me last year with the same girl from his past. Once in March and again, horribly, in July...right after we celebrated his birthday might I add. To say I was hurt is an understatement...I lived on this website.....

I left him minimum NC for about 2 months and I started dating other people

In October of 2010 after more promises (that I didn't believe at the time) I took him back for the last time and we have been on a upward spiral of progression

Trusting him was and still is hard but it takes patience and willingness. Do I still think about it? All the time.... he knows this but we openly discuss whatever I want/need to discuss. Last month he gave me the password to his email account. I have never checked it but it feels awesome to know I can.

Well we just made 3 years this past Thursday and we are doing great. Some people on ENA can be insensitive in their advice and most people recommend breaking up and we wonder why divorce is so high....anyway Thanks ENA for all the advice you've given me...I also made a new friend on here and she and I helped each other through a lot from different sides of the US

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is great that you worked things out...but I think the slam at the people here on ENA was uncalled for. There are many people on here who did indeed take their partner back after cheating...and the partner cheated again. So while it is great that you got back together and I hope that he has learned his lesson...only time will tell. I don't believe in that expression "once a cheater always a cheater". It really depends on the person and if they have learned their lesson. I hope your partner has learned his lesson and that he never hurts you in that way again. Sadly not everyone on this forum who took their partner back ended up with a faithful partner..and those who didn't regretted that they had given their partner another chance.

[Honey1]

Crazyaboutdogs- thanks for your well wishes. My intentention were not to "slam" anyone. I was speaking my opinion and will not retract it. Read 10 of the infedelity post or people with cheating spouses...tell me how many people told the poster to leave the relationship. Don't worry I'll wait.....

I'm also not saying it's good to stay in that relationship...I left twice! I'm simply stating the days of people pulling together and trying to keep people together are replaced by the days of people suggesting we get out of relationships gone bad. Also forgetting the "worse" in the for better or for worse vows.

I too hope he has learned his lesson truly I do. 6 months in....we shall see

[DigitalSpy]

I think Honey1 made a fair statement about some people on here just saying "end it" or "dump him". And this isn't just with regards to infidelity it is accross the board of relationship problems. There appears to be some people that have clearly been burned by old partners and this has made them bitter or sour, but the fact is not everyone is the same...So because it happened to them doesn't mean it will happen to you.

 

In contrast to this, it is very useful to hear both sides of feedback. It keeps your expectations level and it can be really helpful hearing the worst, especially true stories. You need to evaluate all possibilities before you can make your decision so you need to accept their view points for what they are.

 

Either way I am glad that things are looking up for you Honey, I personally am some one that would be willing to take an ex back after they cheated on me. And I hope that it all works out for you!

 

All the best

[lavenderdove]

Well, i hope it works out for you, but he cheated on your twice, you took him back three times, and you've only been back together for 6 months... anyone can stay straight for that long, and you can celebrate when the test of time has proved he can do it for 2 or 3 years.

 

btw, giving you his email password doesn't prove anything. cheaters frequently keep another email account you don't know about, so he could happily be mailing with other women from that other account while you busily check the email address you know and think you're in control when you're not. Many cheaters also keep a second phone that you don't know about either.

 

The thing is he's shown himself to be very capable of cheating (multiple times) and you've shown yourself willing to put up with it while falling for things like thinking you have his email password means he couldn't possibly be cheating or you'd know about it. Please protect yourself here and don't plan your life around this guy until you've gone quite a few more years with him with no relapses into cheating. It's a hard habit to break, because it is quite exciting for them and also satisfies a craving for sexual variety. He may ultimately settle down and be faithful to you, but only time will tell and don't get cocky thinking you've got it all sewed up with him when his history proves he is capable of repeated cheating episodes.

 

Everyone wishes you well, but most know how devious a cheater can be to satisfy that itch, and that a repeating cheater where it isn't just one incident that is regretted, has a greater chance of relapsing in future...

[Honey1]

lavenderdove- Thank you, I can read the concern you type with. I want you to know that the email is just ONE thing that has changed and If I named everything surely someone would think I'm bragging. I don't know whether or not I mentioned certain details in my post last year but there is so much more to the story. He does have alternate email...I stay a step ahead. I know about the other emails which is how I found out about him and her. Without me giving all my secrets away (you never know who's watching) I can say I am sure he has stopped communicating with her. I will not allow myself to get too comfortable though. The part where you say I put up with it....I disagree I showed him that will not be tolerated...I left...yes I came back because people deserve another chance and each person decides when they've had enough. He never had sex with this girl...that would be the ultimate deal breaker but the fact that he kept communicating with her via email and phone despite the stress it was putting on our relationship is what made me leave him. Also I gave him the opportunity to tell the truth because I already knew....he lied! I despise liars, he knows this. Now he's open and honest and that gives me great pleasure 6 months seems like a long time when you're actually in a good situation coming from a really bad one. One more thing, I'm a serial cheater not in this relationship....I know all about it.....I'll be ok

Thank you

 

DigitalSpy-Thanks for having my back

[Koglin]

I'm glad things are working out for you but you still have to be very aware that most people who cheat once will cheat again, maybe not today, not tomorrow or even 5 years from now but it's a character trait that's very difficult to correct. Chances of you being cheated on with someone who hasn't ever cheated on their partner are still very real in today's times, chances are higher you'll get cheated on with someone who you aren't sure if they cheated and there is a more likely chance than not that someone who's cheated (especially twice) will cheat again. That's the reason why ENA members suggest leaving a cheater, it's based on reality and simple statistical facts. Would you start investing your money long term in a venture with higher probability of fail than not? If you were in a casino full of choices, would you gamble your money at a table which offers 20%winning chance to 80% losing chance or one that offers you a 50/50 chance? Same is true with investing into people and relationships... pick carefully

[LittleAngel]

Honey I am so happy for you and keeping my fingers crossed it only gets even better and better now Even tho my last relationship is over now, I see it wasn't meant to be. He was one of those "once a cheater always a cheater". But not all people are the same and I totally agree with your statement about the high divorce rate nowadays. I think people just give up on love so easily... They dont want to fight for another person because its easier to just walk away, especially if so many people are doing it too. And I think we are all just humans and everyone has better and worse days and we make lots of mistakes in our life but thats how it is! We make those mistakes to hopefully learn from them one day and if in the end we still choose to be with one another and we accept each other and BOTH put some effort to be together, I think it is a wonderful thing and its called love and I think both you and your man clearly care about each other a lot and I am really happy for you

[Honey1]

Koglin- Thanks for your response. I am very aware that most times when people cheat once they will cheat again. I know this from being that way myself but I have changed therefore I believe someone else can do the same.

The part where you say "'That's the reason why ENA members suggest leaving a cheater, it's based on reality and simple statistical facts" Well that's why I posted hopefully to be able to report the small percentage where the person actually changes and instill hope in people. Also, I don't gamble with my money period so I could in no way relate to that. "If you were in a casino full of choices, would you gamble your money at a table which offers 20%winning chance to 80% losing chance or one that offers you a 50/50 chance?" I get your point though. Well taken.

I wish it was more positivity around my relationships success and progress and less "Oh, that's great BUT"

LittleAngel- Thanx for your positivity

[gravity]

Thanks for sharing your story Honey1, it's nice to hear a positive one to offset all the horror stories we hear on here!

 

I know how hard it can be to reconcile after infidelity, I'm still working on it after a year and things are getting better slowly but surely. While difficult, I think many relationships can move beyond infidelity, so long as there is a fundamental change in the relationship. BOTH partners have to really really want it and BOTH partners have to change how they act toward each other to address the underlying issues which led to the straying in the first place.

 

I agree with you that here on ENA there is a tendency to advocate break-up over all other suggestions, and not just in the infidelity forum. I think it comes with the territory. ENA is more of a 'dating' site rather than a 'relationship' site like survivinginfidelity. Both are useful and have their place, just take all advice with a grain of salt.

 

 

Good luck! But please keep us posted either way!

 

-gravity

[LostOne01]

This post is spot on.

 

He cheated on you twice? Lady how much will you put up with?

[DN]

Good luck, I hope this will work out for you this time. Hopefully, he can change, people do sometimes and he may be one of those who can.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not sure why the person who dumps a cheater is lumped in with this "not trying hard to make the relationship work, giving up too easily, and the high divorce rate". That smacks of blaming the victim. I would say that it is the cheater who didn't try hard to make the relationship work....who took the easy way out by betraying their partner. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a strategic plan. It is carefully thought out and acted upon. There are a sequence of events that have to take place in order for the cheater to cheat. There is deception, lies and cover-ups. It is this which is soul destroying for the other person. Not everyone has the interest to re-build a relationship with someone who is capable of this kind of destruction.

[LostOne01]

I am not sure why the person who dumps a cheater is lumped in with this "not trying hard to make the relationship work, giving up too easily, and the high divorce rate". That smacks of blaming the victim. I would say that it is the cheater who didn't try hard to make the relationship work....who took the easy way out by betraying their partner. Cheating is not a mistake, it is a strategic plan. It is carefully thought out and acted upon. There are a sequence of events that have to take place in order for the cheater to cheat. There is deception, lies and cover-ups. It is this which is soul destroying for the other person. Not everyone has the interest to re-build a relationship with someone who is capable of this kind of destruction.

 

Amen, ma'am. To those who wish to reconcile, I wish em' luck.

[Honey1]

gravity- I appreciate your positivity really. I hope it works out for you. Let me assure you it will get better. Oct,Nov and December were horrible for me but when the new year came in I made a vow to myself to leave that in 2010 and from then on we progressed drastically. I guess all that throwing things in his face and arguing was weighing in on "US" more than I knew. You said I think it comes with the territory. ENA is more of a 'dating' site rather than a 'relationship' site like survivinginfidelity. hmmm maybe you're right. Ive never heard of that other site though. I will keep you guys posted either way.

If he cheats again I'll share and if we make it I'll share

LostOne01- You say He cheated on you twice? Lady how much will you put up with? Well clearly more than you but I will not take you throwing tomatoes at me...they're nasty To those who wish to reconcile, I wish em' luck. I'll take that as well wishes....thank you