Initiated NC but she keeps emailing me

[anon728]

My gf of 2+ years broke up with me 2 months ago. We spoke for a few weeks…I never begged her to come back, but as part of my closure I did tell her how much she had meant to me, and that while I would love to try again, as long as she was happy, then it was the right move. We had been having a lot of problems over the last few months, so it was somewhat mutual. She is in her mid-twenties and it was her first major relationship.

 

She started seeing this new guy right away. Now, I know she wasn't cheating on me...however, she and this guy have become very close very fast; they've already met each other's parents. I have a feeling that this guy is just new and exciting because she is going clubbing and stuff and that is not something she normally does.

 

During this whole time, she was emailing/talking to me, saying things like, it just isn't working now, and that she just needed space, yet how much she loved me and all that jazz. I realize that some of that may be for a safety net. Additionally, she has had no problem sharing details about what she and the new guy are doing; not sexually, just that they've been hanging out and that things were going well. It is almost like she is flaunting him around me although it is not blatant, more like how a friend would tell another friend.

 

After three weeks, I went NC…it's been four weeks now. I have not initiated any contact with her, and I have not even seen her since NC.

 

Since NC, she has emailed me ~ 6 times. Her emails have been light…nothing about the relationship. A couple of links to mutual interests, etc. While I have responded, it has mainly been out of courtesy…nothing about seeing her or wanting to talk about the relationship, mainly, thanks for the email and hope everything is going good. Now, she has written in there a couple of times that she is sorry for emailing b/c email is against the NC rules (which, I'm like, then why are you emailing me?????). In the most recent, she said that I could contact her if I wanted; I could tell she was kind of baiting me to call and say, hey, it's been a while, what's new…but I didn't call.

 

I am not using NC to get her back; I am using it to heal and move on. If she comes back, I want to objectively decide if that is even the right move.

 

I think, for me, I am approaching the casual contact appropriately…some may say don't respond, but since it wasn't a bad break-up, I feel that I can respond in a non-emotional manner, and each email exchange has ended with the ball in my court.

 

I know that most people would say move on, and I definitely am. However, I guess I am wondering why she would keep emailing me. Obviously no one can answer exactly, but I guess my thing is, she knows about NC, she has mentioned it a couple of times, but yet she continues to send the emails. The longest she has lasted is two weeks with no email.

 

Questions/comments:

 

1. Any thoughts on the new guy?

2. Comments on the continued emails? It may be a combination of trying to keep me around in case the new guy backfires and missing me.

3. Am I doing the right thing by not allowing her to drag me in? Should I be doing more or less?

 

I can think for myself, and I pretty much have the answers to the above questions already, however, I'm just looking for some other points-of-view.

 

Thanks.

[OceanEyes]

Hello Anon,

 

First of all let me say how well-thought out and clear your message was. I like reading posts like this and it always makes it easier for me to compose a proper response!

 

I'm going to start here:

 

1. Any thoughts on the new guy?

 

It's obviously a rebound, but this is not to say that it isn't genuine. The relationship I am in now - and have been for more than a year now - started off when I was just coming out of another long-term relationship. If you say that she's doing things that are "out-of-character" for her, then there's a good chance that she was feeling a little worn out from the arguing and general pessimistic nature of her relationship with you. This is obviously not your fault, and was probably inevitable.

 

What were the original problems anyhow? Why did you break up in the first place? Do you think it was simply because she wasn't feeling ready to settle down?

 

2. Comments on the continued emails? It may be a combination of trying to keep me around in case the new guy backfires and missing me.

I'm going to say this honestly: there is probably a good chance that she wants to keep on very friendly terms with you because she's still unsure of where things are going with the new guy. I did the same thing. I know it was selfish and immature of me, but for some reason it was my natural reaction to keep my ex close. After a while, and things started getting better with my current boyfriend, I would still keep in touch, but nowhere near as intimately or frequently as in the first few weeks.

 

What I'm saying here is to be careful. You sound like an intelligent, confident and very sensible guy, so I don't see this as being much of a problem. However, when you truly care for someone, sensibilities go out the window with your pride and your common sense. Take her e-mails as a sign of good will and her just trying to be friendly until she takes it a step further. You've told her that she means a lot to you, and you can reinforce that, but that's about it for now.

[anon728]

OceanEyes, thank you for the response.

 

The main reason for the breakup was that we just were not getting along as well...we would constantly bicker, and I think we both put up walls that ultimately would not allow either of us to budge.

 

We had sort of tried to resolve the problems in the past, but never the way we should have. Things were only discussed during arguments; we never said, 'ok, this Sunday we are going to have a nice dinner, and then talk about things like adults.' My point is we did not use good communication or problem solving mechanisms during the relationship…probably a sign of immaturity on both ends, but I don't think she would see that yet.

 

In regards to the new guy, she did meet him before we broke up, so there may have been some feelings before that helped push the break-up along. And you are right, that the feelings may be genuine. It is just that I know she would be going crazy if the roles were reversed, and I don't think she could honestly say right now that she would be happy if I were dating someone, so that is why I think she may be jumping in too fast, and that the new guy may be dragging her into a full-time relationship when she isn't ready. However, on one of the other posts I read something that I thought was a good point: 'If you truly love someone, then you would not risk losing them to someone else.'

 

As for her emails, it sounds like I am taking the right approach, at least in my responses. They are responses I would give to a friend; very non-emotional. We did say we wanted to be friends, but just not yet. So, I'll take your advice, and only view them as a friendly exchange, and let her take them a step further…and I won't call if she invites me too; I'll wait until I'm ready.

 

I guess my only question would be, since I would be open to working out the issues in the future, should I respond to most/all of the emails? If I start ignoring them, will that push her away? Not responding to emails is out of character for me, even with my new, busy single life, and could be perceived as rude. However, if I am only supporting her fix, and not allowing her to really see if I am the guy for her, maybe I should start ignoring some of them? Again, they only come ~1 per week.

[anon728]

One more thing, since we did have a heart-to-heart discussion where we both stated our feelings, yet agreed that this 'break' was a good idea (we were calling it a break at first), can I assume that I do not need to restate my feelings to her, unless she asks? Meaning, since she was the dumper, would it be natural for her to instigate any new or further discussions about getting back together?

[r6a6r6]

Anon, I feel for you. I'm going through the exact same thing!

 

One thing that worries me though is that Ocean Eyes said she was keeping her ex close as a backburner type of situation.

 

If you ignore all those attempts of contact by your ex, would you pushing away a chance to get back together?

 

In my situation I have tried to talk about us, and I have gotten some good progress. And even after talking about us, and clearing up a lot of things, she has sent emails saying that I could write her anytime about anything. It doesn't sound like someone who really wants her space and time.

 

I don't know, I guess it would be pretty hard for the dumper to start talking about the relationship. It would be like them saying that they're going back on their decision and want to work on things. It's just pretty confusing when you get an invite to talk about anything anytime.

 

My ex also talked about her new guy on a couple occasions. I don't know what that is about.

 

I don't know, I guess we have to hang in there! I'll keep watching your situation.

[anon728]

r6a6r6, thanks for the response. This is tough, because on one hand you know you have to move on, but on the other, you're almost afraid to move on too far in case she comes back. It is also hard because you don't know what feelings she may have for the other guy...as was stated on myJoy's infamous thread, it is REALLY hard to compete against the excitement of a new relationship.

 

However, for me personally, contacting her right now would be too tough because I would feel like I was the backburner guy. I guess I'll continue my current strategy of just responding to her contacts for another month or two.

 

Good luck…I'll keep my eye on your situation as well.