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10 Steps to Help You Stick With NC

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Tryptophan

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I received a chain-email with the following steps with information on how to stick to a diet. It said it can be edited to stick to quitting smoking, breaking addiction, and other life patterns. I edited the non-bold paragraphs and applied it to NC. You can make your own comments regarding your specific situation with your ex. I left some of mine in case you need a reference to what to put or you can leave them, and use them if you want! Typing it got me through a "It-would-be-a-good-idea-to-break-NC" moment. Hope it helps someone.

 

Applied Stages of Change

 

1. Consciousness Raising [increasing awareness]

Recall the reasons why you shouldn’t contact your ex. Become aware of the reasons why you want to contact him or her. Most likely is that you really miss them at this moment, and right now it seems like it would relieve the pain to hear from them. Become aware of how you would feel if you did not hear back from them, or how awkward it would be to hear their responses. They might not care how you feel, you might not get a response, or even worse, they might seem caring enough and lead you into false hope. This would lead put you back at ground zero. Don’t stalk them either; this is the worst scenario because you’re not getting in THEIR head. They’re there not caring about you and YOU yourself are putting them in YOUR head. Why do you want to make your own healing worse?

 

2. Dramatic Relief [Emotional arousal]

You have an urge to contact them. You feel that tightness in your chest, and almost a shortness of breath. You feel like you want to cry but the tears won’t come. Breathe in deeply and acknowledge the feelings. Let them sink in, and feel your emotions in your body. Then take a walk and just let the emotions flood you. The only way to overcome them is to feel them, not to suppress them. Cry if you need to cry. Those tears need to come if they want to be let out so just let them out. If you don’t feel your emotions, they will keep coming back you.

 

3. Environmental Reevaluation [social or self reappraisal]

Consider how contacting the ex would affect your environment and be a setback on the progress you’ve made. Remember how good it will feel to be 90-days NC, and how good you’ve done before. Evaluate the consequences of the previous times and ask yourself, “Was it really worth it?”

 

4. Social Liberation [Environmental opportunities]

Look around your environment and appreciate the things you do have. Don’t dwell on what you could have because it’s not there. Enjoy the environmental opportunities you have, and liberate yourself from the past. It doesn’t have to be something big. The fact that it’s no longer day 1 of NC is a liberating factor. You’ve come a long way from day 1. Sometimes it feels like you’re back at day 1 but you’re not. You’ll get out of this.

 

5. Self Reevaluation [self reassessment]

How does it make you feel when you break NC? If you haven’t broken it before, think about what it would be like. Would you feel disappointed in yourself? Remember all the negative emotions you are already feeling; is it really worth it to add more to the list? You would most likely feel disappointed, setback, and lacking conviction/determination.

 

6. Stimulus Control [Re-engineering]

Remove things from your environment you’re in at the moment that make it easy to contact your ex. Set your phone aside, and get off the computer (no excuses, you can print this and carry it with you instead of accessing it from the computer). Take a walk and be alone with yourself for a few minutes to consider the alternatives, and have time to re-engineer your thoughts. Remove negative cues from your environment, and find healthier alternatives.

 

7. Helping Relationship [supporting]

Think of someone you can contact alternatively. You don’t have to contact them about the breakup; you can talk about other things. It’s likely you think they’re already sick of hearing about it anyway. If friends are not an option, then consider a family member. A pet? A blog? A diary? A forum? Yourself? Remember the point is letting it out of your system.

 

8. Counter Conditioning [substituting]

Substitute your actions for something else. Perhaps you really want to contact the ex because it’s that time again that you would spend together or that you would usually call/text. Fill that void by finding something else to do. Take baby steps. It can be something like reading or playing a sport and you can gradually replace it by hanging out with someone.

 

9. Reinforcement Management [Rewarding]

Set intervals of time, and reward yourself every time you complete these periods. Start small; one day; 3 days; 7 days; 14 days; 21 days; 30 days; 60 days; 90 days. Don’t make big goals or it’ll seem overwhelming. Take it one day at a time. The rewards are up to you; riddance of the emotional baggage is a big reward on its own.

 

10. Self Liberation [Committing]

Make commitments to stick to your plan. This is your one commitment now. Your commitment is to heal. Your commitment is no longer taking scraps from the ex. You’re no longer committed to that relationship; for once, this is about you. Don’t fail the one person that will NEVER let you down, yourself.

 

 

#10 made me feel empowered

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