Need advice with a girl I am dating

[fitforlife]

Here's my situation:

 

Been dating a girl who is in college for a few months now. Didn't think much of her at first when we started dating, but as we gradually began going out over the course of the last few months, I've began to develop feelings for her. After our last few dates (more specifically our last which I spent time with her at her college playing pool, table tennis, and other fun stuff) I'm pretty convinced that I would like her to be a girlfriend. Or, at least that's how I feel I would like it to go.

 

But it has been tough. I really like her, and I certainly have feelings for her, but we are only seeing each other once every two to three weeks (it feels like almost once a month). She lives "somewhat" far away (~35 minutes), but that's not an issue for me to drive. When we go out, we talk about school and she seems very busy with it, which seems to be the problem in holding things back (or, maybe I'm just making it seem like a problem)? I'd hate to give her up, but I have been frustrated as of late.

 

I've made some "moves" lately such as longer goodnight kisses, and trying to keep in contact more. In my head I feel like we are building a bond together. But I have no idea what she's thinking, or what she wants out of this.

 

It's tough to deal with dating someone when you are seeing each other basically once a month. Another guy could easily come along at her school and just take her right away. The fact that we are only seeing each other once a month is even more hard because when we go out, I don't have that "openness" I have with other people. Ever talk to people and just have a conversation (not thinking about what you're going to say next, etc.)? Like you just start talking and next thing you know two hours pass? I don't have that with her. When I go out with her I have to constantly think about what to ask her and it causes silence. I don't have this issue with girls that I have dated on a more "consistent" (seeing each other once a week or so) basis. If we saw each other and got to know each other better, things would be a lot better.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Should I start making the initiative to start seeing her more (like, asking her out on more dates during the week or something?). I'm the one that always is asking her out, she never asks me to do anything. I'm intimidated by her school that she won't have enough time for me, but it might be all in my head.

[catfeeder]

Asking her for more dates while you feel stilted in your conversation could backfire. Why not talk about what you've written here, including your difficulty in feeling connected enough to confide things to her when you see one another so seldom? If she's open to discussing it, you'll bridge a gap. If not, you'll at least get a better understanding of whether she's really a good match for you.

 

Playing 'cool' only takes things so far. I'd test whether it's possible to warm this up. If not, what good is it anyway?

[SpottiOtti]

But I have no idea what she's thinking, or what she wants out of this.

 

Ask her. It won't scare her off; she'll respect you for it. Especially if you tell her how you're feeling about this, as catfeeder suggested.

 

What would it take for you to feel more connected to her? Think about that, and let her know. Only you are capable of telling her what you need. And only she can tell you if she's capable of doing what you need.

[fitforlife]

But I have no idea what she's thinking, or what she wants out of this.

 

Ask her. It won't scare her off; she'll respect you for it. Especially if you tell her how you're feeling about this, as catfeeder suggested.

 

What would it take for you to feel more connected to her? Think about that, and let her know. Only you are capable of telling her what you need. And only she can tell you if she's capable of doing what you need.

 

What would it take for me to feel more connected to her? Seeing and doing things with her more. Every time we go out I am nervous as **** (sorry for that). Heart is always racing, butterflies like crazy. It's nuts. I just feel like going out once a month isn't a good way for me getting to know someone. I'm the type of person that has to gradually get to know someone before I start to open up. I seem to have a barrier or something at first but I eventually break out of it. Then once I begin getting to know them, I pretty much open up and am my true self.

 

When I go on dates with her, I have to think about what to ask (a lot of this is because I'm nervous too). When I go out with my other friends, I can talk and talk and I don't even think about what I'm saying. I just "talk" without having to think about it. I mean I can just B.S. (in a good way) for hours on end and have a good convo with people I know.

 

We went out a few nights ago for dinner. I was nervous during dinner but then on the way home I FINALLY began opening up and feeling more of myself. So I was feeling great, and asked her if she'd like to go for a walk or something but she had to go home for a school event she had the following day. So that "ruined" a potential chance for me to feel more comfortable.

 

You think I should tell her how I feel? Such as, say "Hey I wanted to let you know I like you". Not like that but something along those lines. When would be a good position to say that?

[eurasianguy101]

Do you guys IM, txt, or email when you 2 aren't together? More frequent conversations could ease your nervousness. 35 mins I don't think is far, but then again, I've been told us Californians have a distorted sense of distance..lol. I would lay off the heavy discussions and just try to invite her out more often. Don't expect her to be available every single time, but if you want to see a girl more, I think a guy should ask more often initially.

[fitforlife]

Yea I have been stepping up my texting game with her lately, so that's going good. If I want to tell her I like her, how would I go about doing that??

[ClarenceRutherford]

You think I should tell her how I feel? Such as, say "Hey I wanted to let you know I like you". Not like that but something along those lines. When would be a good position to say that?

Yes, as the prev. poster said. She should appreciate your honesty.

 

Also tell her you want to communicate with her more during the week and want to see if you can see her more often.

Plus tell her you'd like to do more things together that she likes to do.

[fitforlife]

Well I tried asking her to go out either tomorrow, Friday, or Saturday. Apparently she has school and family obligations all those days. I don't get this? She claims she will definitely let me know in a few days (followed by a smile) when she has some free time.

 

I don't see how she does not have one hour to spare that she could meetup for dinner, lunch, or something like that. I mean, I get up at 5:00am, go to work, get off at 4-5pm, workout or grab a bite to eat, and get home by 7pm and I could STILL spare an hour all while starting the whole process over tomorrow. I really wish I knew what she was thinking, or how she felt (well, I guess I am going to have to pull teeth to find out since she is so busy). My emotions seem to be running high right now and I am just frustrated with the situation.

 

If I lose her (which I feel I am going to have to do by my own choice), what do I do? The worries of "I'll never find anyone else" are starting to sink in. Honestly, I don't even quite know what I see in her. I enjoy being with her, but I think I more so enjoy the fact she's just a girl in my life. I like her for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately I don't see too much in her it seems otherwise. But I don't want to let go.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Well I tried asking her to go out either tomorrow, Friday, or Saturday. Apparently she has school and family obligations all those days. I don't get this? She claims she will definitely let me know in a few days (followed by a smile) when she has some free time.

 

I don't see how she does not have one hour to spare that she could meetup for dinner, lunch, or something like that. I mean, I get up at 5:00am, go to work, get off at 4-5pm, workout or grab a bite to eat, and get home by 7pm and I could STILL spare an hour all while starting the whole process over tomorrow.

Yeah, I'd wait to see if she ever responds to your invitation.

If not, leave it at that. And let her pursue you, as you've done enough pursuing.

 

Think about acting non-chalant here... Draw her to you by acting like you couldn't care less.... If she doesn't hear from you, she may get worried, as you've done all the work up until now.

I really wish I knew what she was thinking, or how she felt (well, I guess I am going to have to pull teeth to find out since she is so busy). My emotions seem to be running high right now and I am just frustrated with the situation.

Can understand your frustration. Most guys date gals who communicate with them.

Though I've encouraged you to keep on with her through PMs, I think the others are right here. She's not responding favorably.

Methinks a lot of that has to do with her age. She's 19 and you're 24. Many of those 19-20 y.o.s aren't really mature nor know what they want.

If I lose her (which I feel I am going to have to do by my own choice), what do I do?

 

The worries of "I'll never find anyone else" are starting to sink in.

No need to feel doomed.

It wasn't likely a guy's first relationship would be "the one" and turn into some great long-term relationship. They don't always work out.

My first real adult relationship at 25-26 crashed and burned as well, as I've posted.

 

You will find someone else.

Honestly, I don't even quite know what I see in her. I enjoy being with her, but I think I more so enjoy the fact she's just a girl in my life. I like her for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately I don't see too much in her it seems otherwise. But I don't want to let go.

You have to let her go.

She's not letting you "have" her. Her body language and the way she reacts to you shows you that.

 

You still have plenty of time.

 

Even if you hit 30 and aren't in a relationship, there's still time to get into one, as I did when I met my future wife at 30.

 

Plus, you may feel differently about yourself the older you get and realize you weren't really ready to get married when you were younger.

 

That's how I felt. Meeting my future wife, it just felt so right and I was glad those other long-term relationships I had in my late 20s didn't work (Admit I wasn't too happy when they ended).

 

And the woman I married was more attractive and more loving than any of the other women I dated, plus she really expressed that love to me sexually, which I couldn't get those other women to do.

 

Hang in there. Keep dating. And date the right type of women (not the ones at the bars). You'll find your love.