She wants me back...but I think it's too late.

[rich46]

Thank you for reading, I will try to be brief although no promises!

 

Quick recap of our relationship. We were together for almost a year, long distance. I was teaching in South Korea, while she is Japanese. After six months or so, I moved to Japan which I had always wanted to do anyway, but we were still long distance. We met up for a couple of long weekends after I had moved, and things were great. Once my contract finished in March, the plan was for me to find a new job and move closer to her...however, she seemed to get cold feet and out of nowhere started acting distant, which naturally freaked me out because it was a big deal for me to leave my job and I only wanted to do that if she was 100% committed, which she clearly wasn't.

 

Anyway, once she started talking about "time" and "space" last November, I knew I had to go No Contact and so I sent her an email saying as much, telling her that I was giving her as much space as possible, and to contact me when she wanted to talk about us. So:

 

December - I felt good during those first couple of weeks of NC, as it is common to think "yeah she will miss me and come back etc etc" but that didn't happen. I fooled myself into thinking I could handle contact so I broke NC first, but this achieved nothing and contact fizzled out. I heard nothing from her on Christmas Day, and even though I was travelling around Japan with my friends and having a good time, my head was a mess thinking about it.

 

January - 1st January, I sent her a "Happy New Year" text to which she replied, then I made the conscious decision to move on. I deleted her number, blocked her on MSN, deleted old photos and threw away everything in my apartment that reminded me of her. This is when I truly started to move on. It can be lonely living in a country so different to your own (I am English) and so I started making Japanese friends online, chatting, and going on some dates.

 

February - After 6 weeks of full on no contact, there was an earthqauke in New Zealand, a place where I used to live. My ex text me "are your friends in NZ ok?" but I chose not to reply. I don't have any friends in Christchurch, and I saw this as a ploy to contact me rather than genuine care. A week later she texted again asking "did you change your number?" to which I replied "No, same one."

 

March - Contact was cranked up during this month. She texted "Happy Birthday" on the 7th, and I replied "Thanks." By now, I was dating quite a lot...maybe too much in fact...and I was getting closer to someone else. However, I did initiate a text after the huge earthquake in Japan on the 11th as she lives near the ocean and I was worried about tsunamis. Later that night, she called me 8 times in 30 minutes but I didn't answer, and later reiterated that I only want contact if she wants to talk about us. She wrote "Hmmm Rich I really miss my friend" which annoyed me because I was never just her "friend."

 

April - Into April and she had texted maybe once a week, and I had ignored her every time. Then a couple of weeks ago she seemed to crack and was like "Rich can't we have any contact anymore??" to which I replied I can't be her "friend" and it never works after couples break up. She replied somewhat selfishly by saying "it works" and then a crying face.

 

Anyway, I have signed another contract for one more year, and I will study for a Masters Degree by Distance, so money is going to be tight, but she texted repeatedly on Friday night (while I was on a date in Tokyo as it happens!) asking to chat on MSN, saying she had been very busy at work but now it had calmed down, and she had been thinking about us, and asking if it was too late. I waited until Saturday and replied saying:

 

"In my opinion, for long distance relationships to work, both people need to 100% agree on when they will eventually move closer. I thought we agreed on this. Now I have signed another contract and will be studying, so I don't see how it could possibly work anymore. Take care."

 

She replied, thanking me for "loving me once" as if to guilt trip me, and also mentioning that she had some job offers in Australia that she "may or may not take" (she worked there once before).

 

So here I am, confused again although in control of my emotions after a lot of NC. The problem is, I have dated girls since but there isn't the same connection as with my ex...I thought we were perfect for eachother. Now she is showing interest again, but circumstances have changed and it would be very difficult to have a relationship with her again, even though I still love her.

 

Any suggestions on my situation? Should I chat to her on MSN? See what she has to say? I don't want to give away all the power by admitting I want her back, as she might just be saying this to get a reaction from me.

 

Thank you for reading such a long post, I really appreciate it.

 

Rich

[ferna3069]

think about what makes you happy. do you like her attitude?was she nice to you. its a big decision moving to another country. i was also ina long distance realtionships. you have to think of how she is and if you would be happy her treating you the way she does. don give her the power back. tell her what you feel but be carefull with it. let her know she wont get into your life that easy unless some things change

[catfeeder]

I'd skip the texting and MSN nonsense. If you want to speak with her, pick up the phone. See where she stands, and if it's a no-go, you'll know that you did all you could and now can put this to rest.

 

Dating a bunch of people while you're still grieving an ex is a time-passer, but it's natural to not have found the next love of your life during this time. It's not a good indicator of your chances for finding love again--if love were not rare, there would be nothing special about it.

 

Head high.

[nattpanter]

I think you should call her and tell her to move to the place you signed the contract if this is ever gonna happen... Its her time to step up, and this will show if she is really serious about it, or just in need of an ego-boost.

 

Good luck mate!

[rich46]

Many thanks for your replies!

 

I'm not going to rush into anything...just giving it some thought for now.

 

ferna3069 - Yes I agree, and don't worry, she can't just come waltzing back as if nothing happened. She was nice to me, but I can still remember her going cold on me all of a sudden (I still don't know the reason) and so I am not going to put myself at risk in a hurry. However, realistically I just think current circumstances are against us. In fact, part of me thinks she has waited until after I have signed another contract...to keep me at arm's length or something, although I may be wrong.

 

catfeeder - Thanks for your reply, and I agree on the speaking part as opposed to the MSN nonsense, although English isn't her first language. Still, we do need to speak at some stage if anything is going to happen. I think I started dating too soon, or at least started dating too many people...it feels good to start with and enjoying the attention, but now the ex is back on the scene it has confused me a little, though like I said I am in control of my thinking.

 

nattpanter - Thanks, but that would never happen. She is an only child and family is so important here, so she wouldn't move from her parents. She also has one year left of study as well. I don't understand why she mentioned Australia as I would have thought given these reasons, it wouldn't be possible. Then again, she could have just mentioned it to make me "panic" or give a reaction, which I haven't.