Bad Sign???

[JLKLEE]

How is talking about the future the same as talking about feelings? It's one thing to ask, how do you feel about me? It's another to ask, do you see us having a future, and if so, what would you like that to entail? Asking about the future is almost business-like, IMO (which I hate to say, being the hopeless romantic I can be!). Sounds like he's giving you the run-around, especially if his actions don't indicate anything either. Unless you have mind-reading abilities, then it's no surprised you'd be so unsure, and you shouldn't be left hanging forever. It's not right, or fair. Not that he needs to be pressured into a further committment, but he needs to just come out with it: What does he want?

 

I agree. That is why it is frusturating to me. I have never asked for him to constantly tell me when we are going to move in together, when we are going to get married, when we are going to have kids, etc. but I also dont want to never say anything and spend my time wondering IF anything will happen at all, all because he doesnt want to share his feelings.

[ToF]

No, the way it is is that I just will not stay the night like he wants.

 

There we go. Stop spending the night.

[JLKLEE]

There we go. Stop spending the night.

 

yea, the only problem is he is going to get mad if I dont stay.

[ToF]

yea, the only problem is he is going to get mad if I dont stay.

 

Totally, 110% his problem. Time for you to do what works best for YOU.

[imoutfront]

yea, the only problem is he is going to get mad if I dont stay.

 

That's his problem though. He can't have everything his own way, which is what he's currently getting. He needs to learn to compromise.

[tattoobunnie]

Every since 19 to now my early 30s, all my boyfriends gave me my own set of keys within a matter of less than 3 months, without me asking. I'd ask him point blank if he trusts you, and if he can't give you a key, you are translating it as a sign you are not trusted...and it's creating an awkward situation between you and his roommate. And until it's resolved, by him getting a new lock on the door, talking to his roommate, or getting a key, you will be staying at your own place until then (AND DON'T WAVER!)

 

My friends have dated a guy like yours, "no key" dudes, even though they insisted on them staying at their place...it was purely a way to control them! And if he avoids saying anything, you do the talking, then do the walking. Don't put up with that. It doesn't mean, break up with him...it means stand up for your needs!

[Batya33]

I think it's entirely reasonable not to give a new person in your life a key to your place -one more key out there means increased risk of it being lost and needing to change the locks and if the relationship doesn't work out it means getting it back and trusting that a copy hasn't been made. Obviously trust is important but everyone has their own comfort zone and boundaries of how much to trust and when.

[tattoobunnie]

I think it's entirely reasonable not to give a new person in your life a key to your place -one more key out there means increased risk of it being lost and needing to change the locks and if the relationship doesn't work out it means getting it back and trusting that a copy hasn't been made. Obviously trust is important but everyone has their own comfort zone and boundaries of how much to trust and when.

 

Hey, I haven't myself given a key to anyone since 2001...and it wasn't a matter of trust...it's cuz they didn't need them. This girl needs something. Either the guy can work out a drop-box, a lock box, a hidden key, loaning a key out during a certain day, change the lock so it can lock from the inside, talking to the roommate, asking the roommate to make arrangements to lock the door behind her, him installing a dead-bolt, to just simply giving her a copy of the key...there's so many different solutions that don't involve staying mum, and avoiding the topic.

 

This person isn't that new...two years of dating...is not new. There is something wrong here. I think she should stand up for herself. Just two months from now, what would change that would then have him give her a key....Nothing would...meaning, if she doesn't pipe up now, nothing will change.

 

If I were you, I'd huff back when he insists that you stay over. Going, "I need A, B, C, a shelf to put stuff in, since I'm here every night by your own request, and a key." And if he can't work out any other solution in any way, like letting you borrow it, changing the lock...the guy is definitely telling you something...which you will still need to work out.

[Batya33]

I agree that two years isn't new -I was responding to your standard of less than three months. I don't agree that she needs to be as confrontational as you suggest, particularly the "by your own request" -this is a relationship - no need to be so formal or come accross as keeping score - and "huffing back" to me isn't assertive- it's demonstrating an immature lack of control and an inability to deal with someone in an assertive way while still focusing on working this out as a team not as combatants. Just a few things I've learned from living with my husband the past 2 years.

[tattoobunnie]

I was sharing my own experiences...it wasn't a means to tell her because it's been over 3 months, that she needed to bug out...I never once asked for a key...people always just gave me a copy.

 

She is upset. She needs a key to lock the door when she leaves. She brings up the topic and repeatedly gets rejected. And he stops the discussion. Why in the world is anyone trying to blame the OP on this??? I think she does need to confront him about this. Confrontation is not a bad thing. It's clearly getting to the bottom of an issue...to not be afraid of voicing your needs.

 

Maybe you believe confrontation = childish behavior? It's not. It is being assertive.

 

I mean, if we all want to advise her to do the same thing over and over again, and let him blow the OP off...no matter to me. I believe she should be evaluating why he won't give her one. She should really try different methods to get a different response. I don't think it should be as hard as this guy is making it for her. If he really wants her to be with him, stick it back to the guy to find a way to make it up to her, or to work with her request...and there are so many ways to work this out.

 

And PS...all my buds where the guy acted the same way...they have since left those relationships ages ago, and are now happily married to men who accommodate their needs and wants.

[Batya33]

I believe the type of confrontation you suggested would come accross as immature and not being a team player. I never said all confrontation is bad nor do I think that. I do think that "confrontation" should be a very very rare mindset reserved for situations like cheating or similar. Otherwise, the couple should work on being assertive while simultaneously having the mindset of being a team attempting to resolve conflict together. I also don't think assertiveness requires aggression or combative behavior. I would not want to be in a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship where the person expressed themselves in terms of "stick it back to ___" - that starts things out on the wrong foot IMO.

[tattoobunnie]

We're fighting over semantics...which we do often...and will have nothing to do with the OP's needs.

 

"Stick it to back to them", refers to have them work out a solution that works for him and addresses her needs. She's voiced her concerns to him, and now he should create a possibility that works for them both. Confrontation does not equal hair-raising or nasty events...it is by definition dealing with conflict...which the OP is going through.

 

So let's get back to what the OP needs...she needs to get down to why he won't give her the key, and if he won't attempt to work this out, she should try staying at her own place, regardless if he gets upset at her not staying.

 

There is so much more going on here than getting a key. Without giving her one, it forces her to question his commitment to her. He is ensuring that his place is not her home. After two years, and another year of him signing on for a 13 month lease, nothing has changed. I think that if they were able to talk about this, and really work through this, it'd be a different story entirely.

 

I think we so often sacrifice and question our needs just to stay with a guy...we give up so much. And I hate for this girl to think that all men act this way, when they don't! There are so many great, wonderful, giving guys out there. And this guy...why in the world are we letting him off the hook so easily. Instead of addressing her issue, or validating her needs, we're brushing her off too. I think she deserves a guy who'll make her feel good about spending the night and the next day, not anxious. The guy could get a brand new lock that locks from the inside, then change it back when he moves out.

[Batya33]

I don't think we're arguing over semantics in the least. I think it's great that we can give the OP our different views on what it means to be assertive in a relationship and what ways of being assertive work best. I don't agree that her bf needs to give her a key since he has a roommate and he'd be asking the roommate to be ok with someone the roommate doesn't know having a key. I think that if she wants to stay there she should wake up on time to leave with him or choose not to stay there and find an alternative arrangement -either leave in the evening or work towards getting a place where he can stay with her. I don't think his place is her home or should be unless she moves in there and contributes towards the rent and expenses. Certainly she should be made to feel comfortable when she stays there but whether they are together 2 or 20 years it is his and his roommate's home not hers.

I don't agree that confrontation is a good way to deal with this sort of conflict. Confrontation is only one of many ways to deal with conflict IMO. I understand that your mindset is that women often sacrifice and question their needs to stay with a guy. While I have seen this happen of course it's not a typical scenario among the women I know and know of.

[Timebandit]

From the outside, it seems like this is less about the issue about the key and sleepover, as much as this has to do with you having different intimacy needs and having different goals with relationship.

 

The OP need not confront him. But she needs an assertive talk with her BF about what they each desire and require from the relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about this, it is probable that they have very different preferences.

[Batya33]

From the outside, it seems like this is less about the issue about the key and sleepover, as much as this has to do with you having different intimacy needs and having different goals with relationship.

 

The OP need not confront him. But she needs an assertive talk with her BF about what they each desire and require from the relationship. If he doesn't want to talk about this, it is probable that they have very different preferences.

 

Yes it might just be a symbol but to me having free access to someone else's home (including the roommate who didn't sign up for this) isn't required to be close, intimate and bonded in a relationship. It's a separate issue as to whether he wants to be in a marriage or marital-like relationship with her -- but sharing physical space before making the emotional bond -or giving unlimited access to one own's physical space before making the emotional bond -isn't necessary IMO.

[metrogirl]

Maybe the roomate doesn't want the OP to have a key.

[JLKLEE]

Obviously I agree with tattoo. I do not think it is absurd to request a key to be able to lock the door when I leave. It is not an issue of me having free reign over when I come and go. You have to have a sensor card to get in the building, which I do not have. The roommate also has no issue with me having a key, obviously, because he confronts me about not locking the door.

 

I've also read a comment about making me feel comfortable when I stay. Obviously it's not making me comfortable when I have to get up at 8am to leave when he does because he has an issue with giving me a key. Reading that comment makes me feel like in supposed to accommodate him by staying with him then accommodate him by leaving when he does. None of that sounds beneficial to me nor does it sound like any type of compromise.

[Batya33]

I don't think he's obligated to make you feel comfortable in the context of you as a guest. I think you need to accommodate his work schedule if you stay there and I think it's reasonable if he's uncomfortable giving you a key especially if he's had bad experiences with that in the past. Maybe his parents also have expressed discomfort -do they help with the rent/expenses or are they guarantors on the lease? Are you someone who misplaces things easily? For example.

 

If you don't feel comfortable staying over then don't -leave at a time when you can get home at a reasonable hour to sleep in your own bed.

 

If you think this points to underlying commitment/intimacy issues address those issues -not the key.

[JLKLEE]

What bad experiences has he had in the past? He has hardly dated a girl over a year let alone given them a key to his place. His parents do not help with his expenses and have no issue with him giving me a key. The only person that has a problem is HIM.

 

I'm not a person to misplace things. He is. I'm the total opposite. I'm completely organized. I know where everything is.

 

I guess we can agree to disagree about making me feel comfortable as a guest. Maybe I was brought up to have a different idea of what a guest was. When we had guests stay at our house we made sure they were comfortable. So I 100% feel that if I'm staying at his house at his request I should be accommdated.

[Stay_home]

I agree. That if you're spending the majority of your time over at his place, then why not just give you a key so you can let yourself in. What if you leave work early? Or what if you leave in the morning and forget something and have to go back?? If you can't get a key, I wouldn't stay over there overnight. The thing is, you're stuff is in there too and will be left unsecured. So if someone were to break in, you're stuff could go missing too.

 

As far as the committment concerns, if discussing a future always seems to end up with the subject changing then yea, that is a bad sign.

[Batya33]

What bad experiences has he had in the past? He has hardly dated a girl over a year let alone given them a key to his place. His parents do not help with his expenses and have no issue with him giving me a key. The only person that has a problem is HIM.

 

I'm not a person to misplace things. He is. I'm the total opposite. I'm completely organized. I know where everything is.

 

I guess we can agree to disagree about making me feel comfortable as a guest. Maybe I was brought up to have a different idea of what a guest was. When we had guests stay at our house we made sure they were comfortable. So I 100% feel that if I'm staying at his house at his request I should be accommdated.

 

If you're just a guest then no you don't get a key. Whenever I was a guest at someone's house I made sure to accommodate to their schedules and routines and I would have never dreamed of asking for a key. If he requests that you stay over at his place and his schedule is not comfortable for you simply tell him that and that you will come over and leave in time to sleep in your own home. There's a limit to how comfortable he needs to make it for you particularly since it makes him uncomfortable to give you a key with all the extra risks involved in that. If you're not just a guest and pseudo-living with him then perhaps offer to share in the living expenses -and when you do that then you'll be entitled to a key, IMO. I would stop the passive mindset of "it's at his request" -you want to stay there for your own benefit/pleasure too.