How to handle a new friend who doesn't anwser emails and is being ... selfish?

[1MoreChance]

Hi all, I haven't posted in a while

I am still struggling with friendship issues, making new friends, etc...

 

Well there is a new woman friend I met, we work in the same field and have befriended each other. The thing is, she is not constant or clear. A few months ago she invited me to go out and we had a nice time. I had expressed an interest in a friendship and her inviting me showed me the feeling was mutual.

 

Then she had coffee at my house, and though she had had to come by my home to drop off something (I was replacing her at an event and needed some material she leant to me), she still expressed interest to have coffee and chat. We chatted, and on the topic of relationships, she said she "didn't have female friends (except for one)" because it was always complicated and they always asked "why didn't you call" or things of that nature.

 

Then we went to a big event and hung out there (though I got there by myself and was not invited to join her and her friend (the exception i mentionned above) to one outing). We still hung out, went for dinner, it was a lot of fun.

 

OK up to now I was cool, even though she has always been irregular about answering emails and things. I actually met her when I hired her for services, and the first time she was 1 hour and 45 minutes late and hardly even appologized, walked into my home without asking where we should sit, didn't ask if she should take her shoes off, just not very polite. Yet she is the most gentle, delightful, friendly, intelligent person.

 

But the thing that bugs me now is that she has repeatedly asked me (again, when we see each other ast events) to come to my house because she needs someone to help her with something specific related to her work.

 

The last time she saw me (at an event), she din't ask "oh are you still available to help me? when are you free?". No. Instead she said "oh! I STILL need to come to your house for that thing. Otherwise I will NEVER do it!!" (she is always saying how busy she is and how she works so much). I answered, "my schedule is flexible right now and you are always welcomed. Just give me a call and I'll be happy to help!".

 

Then like 2 weeks later she sends me an email on FB saying "when are you free for me to come over?" . I replied within 24 hours and gave her 2 different dates within the coming week. Again I was very cordial and open with her. She never replied and it has been 7 days! Yet she is CONSTANTLY posting on FB on people's walls about silly stuff! How hard would it be to drop me a line?

 

I am always so nice to her. I am starting to feel like it is always all about HER and she has little consideration for other people when it's not convinient to her. I used to think she was just a wonderful person, we work in a holistic healing type of field and she always goes on about authenticity, healing, respect for all libing things... Then WHY does she treat me this way? And I feel I cannot SAY something because then she will think "that's why I don't like having female friends, they EXPECT to be called regularly and make a big case out of things". Well guess what, maybe she had women tell her this before because of the way she BEHAVES??

 

I am just expecting basic consideration and kindness and I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and she is giving me mixed messages about a possibe friendship.

 

Please tell me how you would handle it. I have not written her since I replied to her FB email a week ago and I don't want to be on bad terms with her since I WILL see her at events. And I DO like to see her at those. I am just feeling confused and disrespected. And I do NOT like being treated like a stupid doormat!

 

I'm sorry but I feel she is self-centered, selfish and I DO resent her for the way she is treating me. BTW we are not teens, we are educated, professionals in our 30's. Just to give you perspective.

[NANsense]

IMO she gave you a big red flag with her comment and yet, you were hoping it was for no reason--or that it wasn't do to her behavior.....that was a bit short sighted on your part.....

 

think of it this way (a topic common on this board) if a guy told you his rlshps always end cos women aren't trusting enough--wouldn't you wonder why they didn't trust HIM? red flag!

 

You've found out, the hard way, that her X female friends didn't like her devil may care attitude about contact & making plans & that perhaps the scales (for me/for you) are a bit unbalanced....you can't mold her to suit your friendship style/needs, so the best thing to do is either not seek a friendship with her OR B-list her--think of her as an acquaintance and never to be a close friend...

 

good friends are hard to come by....we all remember our childhood chums and wish we could find another GOOD pal...unfortunately they are far and few between

[turnera]

My DD20 has had to let go of a friend who is like that - all about herself. She even ended up in IC about it because she wanted the girl to return all the attention and favors and care, but it just didn't happen. She finally just had to accept it and move on and look for other friends. btw, someone who doesn't RETURN the effort...is not a friend. She is a User.

[1MoreChance]

So What do I do if she contacts me again to ask for help at my home?

 

How can such a gentle, caring person (which I always regarded her as), act so selfishly?

[annie24]

Eh, she sounds like a giant flake. don't take it personally. it sounds like she does it to a lot of people.

 

i guess if she asks again for help, just tell her that you 'are very busy these days, but she can come over on saturday afternoon. if that doesn't work for her, she should contact Martha Smith, who is an expert at ______ as well.'

[NANsense]

So What do I do if she contacts me again to ask for help at my home?

 

How can such a gentle, caring person (which I always regarded her as), act so selfishly?

 

Annie gave a great suggestion! I agree and would just put her off lightly--there's no reason to make an issue out of it cos it'll get you nowhere and change nothing...

 

She sounds like she simply isn't all that empathetic a person.....I have a few acquaintances like that...it's just how they are--nothing you can do to change them....

 

When you're in your mid thirties it's hard to make friends that have time available to do "girl stuff"...a suggestion someone gave me recently--try finding a social group doing an activity you love--I just joined a kayaking group

[1MoreChance]

Then WHY is it that I am always alone and she has tons of friends (wth plenty of pictures on FB about trips, outings, etc.) and always posting on FB wall how she is out and about with friends?

 

She is also very good at EVERYTHING she does and seems to always make a poing of reminding others of it by making little comments about how she does this and that so well.

 

I just wish I didn't care so much.... and that I had more self-confidence to achieve my goals and do things for myself and develop skills (I have posted many times before about my lack of self-confidence).

 

You know, this girl reminds me of my childhood/adolescence best friend who broke off our friendship and it just broke my heart. To this day she has not tried to contact me to reconcile. this was a girl who was very insecure, yet excelled at classical giutar and classical ballet. She went on to complete a PhD and write a poetry book (saw it online). Overachiever, which I am not. And these girls love to reject me. It HURTS me, I feel like a little kid. I think I am smart and talented, but very much an underachiever (no matter what I do it's nover good enough to me and so I am just afraid to try things).

 

Weird thing is, both these women are redheads, with just the right red tone, with long beautiful waves in their hair. I am just weirded out.

[1MoreChance]

Annie gave a great suggestion! I agree and would just put her off lightly--there's no reason to make an issue out of it cos it'll get you nowhere and change nothing...

 

She sounds like she simply isn't all that empathetic a person.....I have a few acquaintances like that...it's just how they are--nothing you can do to change them....

 

When you're in your mid thirties it's hard to make friends that have time available to do "girl stuff"...a suggestion someone gave me recently--try finding a social group doing an activity you love--I just joined a kayaking group

 

Yet she works in a field which requires immense empathy and caring for other living beings. Whatever, people are weird.

 

Thanks for your suggestions, they're great ideas. I KNOW I have to join social groups, try more things for myself. This girl actually GOT me involved in this line of acitvity we both do and I look up to her. Maybe it's time to accept the limitations of that relationship and take better care of myself. I AM immenselly self-destructive with my inner thoughts and lack of activity and implication in my OWN life. I almost feel like if i get involved in things, I will feel even MORE isolated cause then I will really have not time to make friends.

 

I'd like to take classes (drawing, foreing language, dance, ...) and get involved in volunteering (animal rescue)..... I just haven't done a THING in forever. Thing is, this girl and I are very similar in many ways and i thought she could be a great friend. We are both highly artistic and work in the same field. We both have anxiety problems (why would someone who only wants a superficial friendship confide this to another person anyway).

[NANsense]

This feeling of betrayal and rejection is a recurring theme to you--it's drudging up old feelings which only magnifies this 1 person not befriending you in the way you would have liked....

 

If I would guess, and would like to ask...it sounds like it has a lot more to do with your childhood friend, and possible your child-to-parent rlshps than it has to do with this 1 person....it's old baggage coming back to haunt you...feeling rejected, like you don't measure up, will fail if you try, won't be good enough.....just a suggestion--something to think abt--but are these common feelings from your childhood?

[1MoreChance]

This feeling of betrayal and rejection is a recurring theme to you--it's drudging up old feelings which only magnifies this 1 person not befriending you in the way you would have liked....

 

If I would guess, and would like to ask...it sounds like it has a lot more to do with your childhood friend, and possible your child-to-parent rlshps than it has to do with this 1 person....it's old baggage coming back to haunt you...feeling rejected, like you don't measure up, will fail if you try, won't be good enough.....just a suggestion--something to think abt--but are these common feelings from your childhood?

 

Absolutelly they are ... have struggled all my life with those feelings, have been to counceling and therapy, have had failed relationships with men (now single and thinking of keeping it that way for lack of skills in that area).... lots of struggles and inner pain.... don't talk to dad he was abusive to all his kids, none of us talk to him at all. managed to rebuild things with mom a little... things are ok but there are issues that will never go away.

 

One psychologist told me one day that I had decided to never outgrow my parents. I think he was right on. I think this defines who I am. it's like a pact I signed with them, a loyalty i have to them. I am a VERY loyal, heartfelt person and friend.... but those have played against me as well. when I was a little girl of 6 years my parents divorced.... abusive controlling jealous dad etc... took it out on us after the divorce. my mom was always sort of self-absorbed... i felt VERY alone, always trying to get recognition from her but could never get it and felt it was all my fault. I felt very alone and ashamed. I never healed these feelings and issues and even though mentally I know what they are, it is not healed, emotionally and in the way I navigate through life.

 

i had friendship issues with little girls (and sometimes boys) from the time i was a small child. I remember my dad taking a walk with me through our new neighborhood as a 7 year old child and he walked me up to a little girl who was playing in her yard and asked if we could play together. i remember this little girl going on about how she had special pets and did this and that, i mean she just bragged and lied all afternoon to me and I just remember feelgin devestated (even though somehow knowing she was lying). Later on through childhood I was lied to and sometimes even bullied. I had very low self-esttem. I always had freinds as well, but it was inconsistent, I was also abused by friends and we also moved around a lot. Just bad memories.

[elcie]

You say she is the "most gentle, delightful, friendly, intelligent person." It's also pretty clear that she's the same way with everyone. So don't take it personally and don't expect her to change for you.

 

She hasn't been mean to you or said nasty things about you. And even if she reminds you of that other friend they're not the same person.

 

Don't try to compare yourself unfavourably to her. You obviously have many qualities she doesn't. High-energy people can be great to be around but sometimes they're not "best friend" material. You say she has tons of friends but they're probably not good friends, just lots of acquaintances.

 

It's probably best just to accept her as she is, be friendly but don't expect too much more.

[1MoreChance]

You say she is the "most gentle, delightful, friendly, intelligent person." It's also pretty clear that she's the same way with everyone. So don't take it personally and don't expect her to change for you.

 

She hasn't been mean to you or said nasty things about you. And even if she reminds you of that other friend they're not the same person.

 

Don't try to compare yourself unfavourably to her. You obviously have many qualities she doesn't. High-energy people can be great to be around but sometimes they're not "best friend" material. You say she has tons of friends but they're probably not good friends, just lots of acquaintances.

 

It's probably best just to accept her as she is, be friendly but don't expect too much more.

 

 

Elcie, why must we always adjust to THEM? Why contact someone and then ignore them and not reply? Why is that acceptable?

 

and she isn't that way with everyone, I don't see how she made that clear. we went to an event not long ago and she was with her one female friend (who is supposedly the exception to her no-female-friends rule, as she said this friend does not hassle her with why-don't-you call-me interrogations), and they seem to be super close and just get along great. they never invited me to this one extra outing they did, yet we hun out all week end and she asked if she cold borrow my hotel room because it had extra features they didn,t have. I was stuck paying for the whole trip to this event by myself even though she had explicitly said to me "if you can't find anyone to drive there with and share a room with, we'll rent a van or something. we'll find a solution."

 

then, when I bought my tickets to the event, she said she didn't want to rent a van and I was stuck renting a car and payign for gaz all by myself.

 

I understand i need to accept her as she is and take some distance from her. but she is not your typical "high energy", shallow person. When you first meet her, she comes accross as very authentic, and caring, and simple person. She also is very soft-spoken, not high energy and extraverted. i do feel she led me on with the "we'll rent a van" thing when she could have been straightfoward.

 

I know she hasn't said nasty things about me. I am not trying to make her out to be a bad person, on the contrary i have said she has many wonderfyul qualities. i am just finding she is contradiciting herslef and is not forthcoming or considerate.

[NANsense]

but could nebver get it and felt it was all my fault.

 

There is the key--you have laid your finger right on it! RIGHT ON! BRAVO!

And this is the reason you feel as you do abt this woman....you see her on FB and imagine her closeness to these other women are something she has withheld from you--for some internal reason, some flaw with you that makes people unable to attach to you--like your parents couldn't.

 

Your parent were not able too because of their own personal flaws--NOT YOURS! Unfortunately children don't understand this--especially at such an early age--they internalize how they are treated as "something must be wrong with me" NOT "something must be wrong with them"...

 

This woman's other friendships are probably just as yours was with her--just as she described all of her friendships as being--distant and one-way....this is her nature....if there is a similarity to be had in you levitating to that kind of person for a attempted friendship it would be in the fact that she is as unavailable as your parents were to you....maybe you are so upset because you wanted to overcome that--just as you always wished (when you were a child) that you could fix the rlshp with your parents--if you were only "better" in some way??? just some food for thought

[NANsense]

By the same token...this could possibly explain your intimate rlshps as well?

[1MoreChance]

You are spot on with all your thought, and i really appreciate your insight.

 

I have tried and tried to overcome my issues. It's very hard, I seem to be unable to. I do realize children always blame themselves not their parents.... I just seem unable to outgrow that inner kid that still feels it's her fault and cannot more forward.

[1MoreChance]

By the same token...this could possibly explain your intimate rlshps as well?

 

yes absolutelly.

[elcie]

I suppose my point was that she's not the right person to be best friends with. It came accross that she was the same with others because you said that she told you that she only has one female friend and that the others hassled her. It seemed like other women besides yourself have the same problem with her. Your answering post to me shows that she's inconsiderate and self-absorbed as well as having "wonderful qualities".

 

Everyone has good and bad qualities; it's just a case of weighing up the good with the bad and then deciding in what way this person is going to be in your life. I think you need someone you can depend on to be good friends with and it doesn't seem like you can with this person. Perhaps it's best to take a big step back, just be friendly but be aware of her shortcomings.

[NANsense]

Well, my childhood wasn't as traumatic as yours...but I can relate to most of your feelings....one of the things that was a saving grace to me was having my own child--reason being is that I was able to see their flaws more clearly, if that makes sense?....reason being is that I am nothing like them--probably partly to do with knowing how I was treated was soooo wrong, unfair, and not wanting to put my child through the same feelings I had growing up....through my own parenting I was able to see many of their mistakes for what they were--I don't mean that I repeated them (I did not) but it was in not repeating them that I saw them more clearly--if that makes sense?

 

I just seem unable to outgrow that inner kid that still feels it's her fault and cannot more forward.

Accept the fact that she (you) wasn't loved as she deserved to be...look at some old albums when you were young--at how cute you were....I bet you'll see a hurt/lost looking little girl though--in most of them....you can't go back and fix what was done to you--but you can love the little girl you were and the caring woman you are today

 

Find a passion, something you always wanted to do or learn and go for it! I went back to school around your age & it did wonders for my self-esteem..if you love animals--volunteer with an org/shelter, etc....somewhere where your caring will be rewarded/returned to you--unlike when you were young

 

I hope this helps in some way?

[1MoreChance]

I agree with you it seems clear (through her sheer absence and unwillingness to contact me or even be considerate of email communications etc.) that she is not a good friend for me. But then what of her ONE good friend? does she reserve all her kindness and consideration for her? or is that friend a pushover ?

 

She insisted that it was OTHERS who were the problem, so she has little insight. so is she treating that friend in that same rude way and it suits that one friend just fine? she said that this one friend NEVER hassled her and that is why she was friends with her. I for one NEVER hassled her at ALL. But I am in the other category? I just do not get it. Why is igt that slef-absorbed inconsiderate people are the ones who have a friend? and I was all my myslef to drive to that last event and pay all my expenses (gaz, hotel)? Even though I TRIED to find someone to go with? And people like me pay by themselves for the most expensive room and lend their room for the extra amneties? (even thoguh i have little money) and people like her always have someone nice to follow them and hang with them. I know I sound childish. and I am in a way. But still, seems unfair.

[1MoreChance]

NANsense, everything you say is right and wonderful and i appreciate it. I just seem unable to change. it seems I have the word "VICTIM" permanently branded on my forehead. even if I removed it, there wuld be lots of scarring, i fear. I feel so tired of the mental anguish.

[NANsense]

I was all my myslef to drive to that last event and pay all my expenses (gaz, hotel)? Even though I TRIED to find someone to go with? And people like me pay by themselves for the most expensive room and lend their room for the extra amneties?

Oh hun I am right there with you! I can't tell you how many times I booked trips for me and my son (who was small at the time) and because I was paying for "double occupancy" had a relative invite herself along--then tell me after the fact she was coming and staying in my room--to which I received to $!

 

I chalk it up to plain utter rudeness & bite my tongue!

life just isn't fair!

[stormie]

Elcie, why must we always adjust to THEM? Why contact someone and then ignore them and not reply? Why is that acceptable?

 

I feel your pain, 1morechance -good friends are very hard to find.

 

This year, I went through two friendship breakups - one was painful, while the other was a relief. The first girl was like a soul sister to me, and I'm kind of still feeling pain over her loss and the quick way that friendship ended. It was almost like ending a relationship with a husband or long term boyfriend!

 

The second friend turned out to be egotistical - she'd make plans with me and then cancel at the last minute. I would jump to her beck and call because I hardly had any single girlfriends who could do "girl stuff" with. So whenever she would make plans with me, I would jump at the chance. She took advantage of that, I guess. She cancelled 11 out of 12 times on me this year. When I confronted her about it in an email, she got angry and defensive, and used the events of my other former friend against me. So I immediately ended that friendship.

 

Sometimes I think that people are so lackadaisical with friendships because they feel like they can get what they want. It's not their priority. They don't really find a value in friendships. People seem to put dates and the chase for a partner above friends. I find that there are only a few people in this world who appreciate a good friendship as a result.

[NANsense]

NANsense, everything you say is right and wonderful and i appreciate it. I just seem unable to change. it seems I have the word "VICTIM" permanently branded on my forehead. even if I removed it, there wuld be lots of scarring, i fear. I feel so tired of the mental anguish.

 

We are two peas in a pod I hear you and have dealt or am dealing with much of the same questions you are.....MOF I'm working on a paper on attachment theory/styles right now....when I'm able, in school, I always opt for research that might help answer some of my own personal questions....if you like I could send it to you when it's done?

[1MoreChance]

I appreciate everything.

 

It just dawns on me now that this person is not as nice as i thought or wanted to believe.

 

All the little things atre coming back to me. Like how she said we'd rent a van and then changed her mind. then one morning at the hotel i told her i didn't know the way (I sort of did but I was kind of nervous about getting lost) and could i follow her to the event we were going to and she just sped away and didn't wait for me instead of waiting at the stop sign (I was right there coming along and there were no other cars waiting behind her). I lost them and ended up having to find my way alone. I think she was afraid of bing late so all of a sudden she couldn't wait 20 seconds for me to start the car and drive up the lane to the stop sign.

 

There are just so many little things I could go on and on about, that show me it's all on her own terms and she doesn't give a darn.

 

I feel like I should have seen it coming. yet she played friends by inviting me out at first, then pretending to want to go with a rental to that event, by posting on her wall like she cares soooooo much about you. people are jerks.

[1MoreChance]

Ya, I think it's just not a priority for her. And she may still be a wonderful person, but just ione of those self-absorbed geniuses who will never be different. I think she is happy that way, seems that way. i thought we had things in common but I think we do not. I am not worth her time in a way. I give wau too much importance to her.

 

I am not special, she is. She is extremelly talented. When we went to the restaurant she sketched these AMAZING drawings on the paper table cloth. She is also a dancer and musician (not heard or seen her though). She is very competent in her field of work and very prolific. I am not, I am "trying" but not really moving forward. I was also involved in music (and talented) but stopped playing or singing and utterly failed in that field.

 

Mozart was not a "bad" person. Anyone who listens to his music will say that it is "goodness". Pure beauty. But I think he didn,t treat people very well, he was rude to people and self-absorbed, he left his wife alone to go party with strangers or acquaintances..... just a way of a genius (some of them)