Need advice or opinions on what Im dealing with

[king6]

To make a long story short, My ex gf left me over 2 yrs ago for another guy. It was a rather bad break up and what it really came down to was I didnt marry her, so she was leaving for greener grass with this new guy. I have a child with her who was 2 at the time and now 4. The last year has been a hellish battle to even obtain any kinda custody or visitation I could be satisfied with. The first year, her and the ex split up and she moved out on her own, during their split up and after.. we started talking again and were getting close. But she ended up going back to the guy and cutting my visitation on my son, this is the time I Got a lawyer and sued for custody. It went down hill from there and its been a horrible last year.

But now im over the hump, after a year of fighting we got to a point we would be heading to a trial and she finally realised I was not giving up and this could cost her 10k+ to fight me on.

She started talking to me again, about us, and settling on something. She broke up with her ex, apparently they been having problems again. She says shes done with him for good,she now lives at her own place as well. However my son says he still sees the guy and hes over alot, she says hes not. She also explains to me that we could go through this whole trial and end up being together again anyway.

 

This is what im having problems with, we have now settled on things, but shes non consistent with her feelings nor verbal about them. She wont tell me anything, but expects me to tell her everything. If I try to assume or pry what she feels out of her, she then thinks im either an * * * * * * * or declares im wrong about things, but wont explain how or why. Its constant circles with her.

Yet she does things when dropping off my son, or picking him up that confuse me.

She gets close to me and makes nonchalant attempts to touch my hands or my body.. anything to try and get closer.

She has cooked me food and brought it to me at work several times, unexpectadly. She has sent me dirty pictures of herself, she gets upset if I talk about other women, If I say im not seeing anyone or dont have any girls I know or talk to, then she withdrawls completely if as if shes satisfied that Im alone and unhappy.

She has also asked me to attend things she does, or come to her place for dinner. Telling me how great I am and how great looking I am..

She has told me specific love like songs to listen to, she often talks about "if we moved back together" "if we got back together", during times we are talking about our son. It seems she wants me back one week the next she doesnt. She always expects me to explain my self, I tell her how I feel and what I think, but If I ask her, then its "I dont have to explain my self" She never explains anything. Yet she doesnt hesitate to tell me shes not with the other guy anymore and dont see him. She wont tell me why they broke up, it upsets her that I even ask.

The most I ever get out of her, is " Im trying to be happy and enjoy my children and be a awesome mom".

 

 

I dont get whats shes doing, and Every part of me says F' her, she left me and she lost me for good, but I have been alone the last 2 years and havent found anyone better, very lonely living alone and I do still love her. Shes the only person that talks to me by phone or text, I wouldnt even need a phone otherwise.

I just want to understand , so perhaps Ill have better control over how I feel about it. I was content with believing she was a hateful person that hated me to no end.

[dramallama]

She's the mother of your child. Not your girlfriend. You need to put up clear boundaries. You shouldn't be asking her what her "feelings" are, and when she asks you, say "I'd rather keep that to myself." I think you still have expectations from her but you need to get rid of those. It's really not any of your business why they broke up. Treat her like a stranger - polite but distant. Keep conversations relating to the weather or the raising of your child. Nothing else.

 

BTW, when someone is "unsure" about being with you, or you have to pull feelings out of them, it usually means they don't want to be with you. Try to be yourself, live your own life, and be an awesome dad. Get out there and meet new people. Stop relying on your ex for friendship. It's good to be friendLY for the sake of your mutual child. But you need to make your own friends and find hobbies that you like doing.

[king6]

You right, but it is hard, I do have friends but they dont talk to me unless I initiate, Its hard to get them interested in doing anything with me. If I text them I usually get super late responses that are dodging me. The times I have my son, its like I have a disease and nobody wants anything to do with me. So we often just sit at home or go visit family..witch gets old.

 

She actually talks to me about anything and everything and it can be enjoyable, friends dont. The only time they will is when drinking.

 

I have been being an awesome dad, being my self and living my own life for the past 2 years, but it hasent gained me any better friends or even a girlfriend. Having a kid scares people, and the ones it dont scare are pretty much losers with nothing to offer (drunks, no license/job/car/money living at home doing nothing). I know this cause those ones will text me everyday, cause they need something.

 

Im 26yrs old, working a full time job, with 3 business of my own I operate on the side, own a home, etc.. I kinda have expectations for a future GF, but they arent very high..just a middle class person with a job, place, car, interest and hobbies to occupy them, etc. Its seamingly impossible to find anyone during the few times I get

 

The only real reason I wanted to know about why they broke up is because my son was constantly telling me they were physically fighting, yelling/screaming, breaking phones and objects, waking the kids up at night. Hes 4, so I dont know what to believe because sometimes hes not telling the truth about things. I was going to use that info in the trial if it got there, but now Id just like to make sure incase they end up together again. I cant have my son around that.

I also told her all this and thats why I Want to know, she wouldnt confirm that wasent the reason.

[dramallama]

Do you take your son to any new places?

 

I think because they are broken up now, you need not ask why they broke up. It sounds like she doesn't want to tell you, which is fair. If you anticipate going to trial, that's even more reason to keep your distance. Most of all, you need to make a CHOICE to move on. Accept that she is happy being single and doesn't want to share her feelings with you. Be friendLY but stop expecting that you will reconcile and that she needs to tell you how she feels. She is your ex now, so you must get rid of those expectations, and put up boundaries.

 

If your friends are hesitant to do anything, try to call them up instead, or make new friends. Friends and a good like don't just happen. You go out there and put effort into it happening, and don't stop until you get the results you want. Learn new things. Make a choice to enjoy being single. Join a dad's group in your area.

[king6]

Me and My son do alot of things, Ive mostly enjoyed being single but there are many times I wish I had someone.

 

The trial is now out of the question. We have settled on everything.

 

I dont think she is happy being single. She started contacting me months ago, and I wouldnt even talk to her on the phone. She kept perstisting and finally I started and shes been talking to me ever since, always initating all contact, and talking to me about things I was already done over with and moved on from. I kinda expected this because Shes the one that left me for another guy instantly, I failed to mention in the earlier post we were together for 6yrs, and I rasied her prior child since she was a baby. I expected it cause she jumped to someone else to attempt to get over me. She didnt just all a sudden stop loving me and her vengefull/hatefull behaviour after the break up was so unexpected.

 

I have only put the expecations on her because if what shes saying to me is Real, she should be able to talk to me about how she feels, why she had been doing what she did, what she did wrong, etc. There needs to be ALOT of something if she planned to work it out with me. Instead she goes in circles and avoids things, before we settled on the custody matter she kept saying she keeps a front/guard up cause she thinks im only tricking her to use what she says in the custody case. Now she just says she dont have to explain herself. If I try to tell her shes just vulnerable, shes not really wanting me, she just says im wrong. Everything I say that means there is nothing between us "is wrong" but If sarcasticly I say she wants me back or wants me.. its smiley faces or "I want her"

 

Im not saying I want to be with her. My freinds and family basically hate her for all shes put me through going through a hellish custody battle. Shes cheated on me during the time my son was conceived, left me for this last guy, I think id have alot of people angry at me if I took her back. This is a girl that manipulated and used me Alot, took advantage of everything I had to offer, and took it all after she left. She hurt me as much as possible when she left and even more when I got a lawyer to sue for custody, Blaming me for everything because I didnt marry her. Just listing all that reminds me of why I should be avoiding her and limiting contact..

 

But I guess shes been really messsing with me head and confusing me lately, pulling my heart strings. I feel shes just manipulating me and using me to boost her self up cause she vulnerable, and it has nothing to do with me.

[dramallama]

If you feel that she's using you for an ego boost, that's another reason to distance yourself from her, emotionally and physically. She can only mess around with your head if you let her. Restrict topics to the raising of your son only. If you want to move on, make choices that reflect that choice. Meet new people. Volunteer. Try new things.