Good friend getting divorced. what can I tell him that will help?

[gravity]

Title pretty much explains it all, but here are the details.

 

My good friend is getting divorced/separating from his wife (together 7-8 yrs, married for 1.5 of that) due to financial reasons. He feels she is spending too much money on things like clothes and going out while not paying enough attention to her debts (school loans, and they bought a house a year ago) while he has been scrimping and saving to pay everything off.

 

He says it was mutual, but I get the impression it was more mutual on her part if you know what I mean. It's only been a couple of months, but she's already met someone else (not sure how serious though).

 

He is coming down to visit me in a few weeks and I'm obviously gonna keep him busy and having fun but eventually he's gonna want to have "the talk". I'm not really to sure what to say beyond the regular "it's probably for the best, stay busy, pursue your goals which you put on hold for the relationship".

 

Is there anything that different between a break-up and a divorce I should know about to help him out?

[sidehop]

There's only so much you can do but rather be there for him as a good friend and try not to pry too much. He and his wife can only fix the situation in the end.

[JonasWaingaro]

I think the best you can do to help is listen if he wants/needs to talk and/or vent. Like Sidehop said be there as friend. Not much you can say will help but listening and being a friend can help.

[Lester]

Dear Gravity,

He should become a member ENA as soon as possible. Don’t wait weeks. Call him today.

 

There's a huge difference between getting his financial house in order, (Suze Orman stuff), and his wife "meeting" someone.

 

The difference between a break-up, (never married), and a divorce is that break-ups are very painful with a lifetime bad memories.

Divorce, (married), is much worse, involves Lawyers, and many times has a lifetime of consequences.

 

P.S. You're a good friend!

[redswim30]

As someone who is divorced I will offer you this advice-

 

Be there to support him and listen, but don't offer up extra comments or commentary into his situation. You never know what went on behind closed doors. Sometimes when people try to offer supportive "commentary" on the marriage, what went wrong or how the two people are moving on, it only hurts the person you are trying to help- Because no one really knows ALL that happened in the marriage except for the two people that were in it. And when you don't know all the facts, commentary only serves to blow things out of proportion, distort, or upset the person further, which ultimately helps no one. So, IMVHO, the best thing to do is listen and offer support without voicing your opinions(especially negative ones) on his marriage or his ex.

[Lester]

Dear Gravity,

I also agree with Sidehop, Jonas and Redswim. A good friend to listen may be all he needs/wants.

[owl27]

I supported my best friend during her very messy divorce. 10 years later, our friendship ended. This was due--in part-- to the fact that I think I was sort of co-dependent and gave TOO much advice. I also got too emotionally involved in all their crap. He would do stuff and she'd cry on my shoulder. That was fine. But then SHE would do stuff back that I didn't agree with and I felt I couldn't tell her she was wrong, I had to be on her side. Eventually I resented this. After 10 years, she was still STUCK and I finally gave her some "tough love" and told her she really needed some counseling (I had hinted about it over the years but she never thought she needed it). She got mad and we haven't been close since then.....Sorry, this isn't about me. But I wanted to share with you a WARNING. Try not to give too much advice. Like the other posters said, just listen. A lot. Make comments like "Oh, that must be hard." and "That must really hurt. I'm sorry." If they ask you for specific advice, say "What do you think you should do?" or "What do you want to do?" If it gets bad enough, recommend books and counseling. If they get hurt or resentful, just apologize and say "I care about you and I am just trying to make suggestions, but only you know what's best for you." Those are just some general ideas.

[gravity]

Thanks for the advice everyone, very good stuff.

 

Definitely not trying to take sides on the issue, I'm not looking to lose her as a friend either, gotta remember there are two sides to every story.

[owl27]

Best wishes!