Be friends or No Contact?

[wmlaw2005]

Hello,

 

Stay friends or No Contact? Which will most improve the chances of getting your ex back?

 

I have a tough question for all of you out there who have any experience with getting back with ex's. My situation is that my ex just broke up with me recently, I originally did no contact, but then she contacted me and asked to get dinner about a week later. I went, and found out she only wanted to be friends. I got it out of her that she's now seeing a new guy, and from that I got a little pissed and really tried to get her back at dinner, all to no avail. I know it was stupid, because I just pushed her away more, and I told her that I just couldn't be friends with her because it hurts too much. I said contact me if you think you want to get back together, and she said she'll wait for me to contact her when I feel ready to talk to her again (as friends).

 

Here's another twist: we go to different schools relatively far away, and I'm leaving in 2 weeks. Here's my question: For these next 2 weeks, do I go along with being friends for awhile, or do I just continue no contact. I know we likely won't get back together soon, but I'm just trying to maximize my chances for down the road.

 

Pros of No Contact is that it will help me move on and could cause her to miss me in time, but the cons may are that she may move on and not even need me as a friend.

 

Pros of being friends are that she will have better memories of me before going to school. Also, I believe that seeing a person face to face can recreate the attraction that was once there. However, the cons are that she may get used to just being friends with me and it could kill my chances down the road. I'm leaning towards no contact but I'm curious what you all think. Thanks.

[Roffler]

I'd try and stay friends, so as to not appear that you are ignoring her, and to show that there are no signs of bitterness. As you are going to a new school though, it may be an idea to move onto something else, unless you are positive this is a sure thing in the future, which seems highly unlikely. As hard as it may seem now, you'll appreciate it in the future.

[rich46]

I disagree. I think you should do No Contact as she has moved on pretty quickly, you should too. What good is staying friends going to do you in the next 2 weeks? None whatsoever. If you stay friends right now you are going to be stringing along and it will hurt you in the long run. Forget about what's best for getting her back, you need to focus on yourself. No Contact will allow you to get focused on your immediate future, and sure if in a few weeks or months you want to try being friends, then call her then.

 

I am a big believer in a period of No Contact after a break up. I don't see the point in making out you are fine with her, even though she has just dumped you and found a new guy in an instant. The only reason she rang you and asked you to dinner was to make HERSELF feel better and less guilty. Don't fall for it, you need to get on with your own life and let her ponder on what she's lost. Like I said, call her when you feel ready but I don't see any advantage in pretending to be her friend for the next 2 weeks.

 

That's my view anyway. 8)

[Scout]

Definitely No Contact is the way to go. "Staying Friends" means they never get an opportunity to miss you, and you are around to assuage their egos as they re-enter the perils of the dating world. Sorry, but who wants to be relegated to the role of neutered ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend)?

[jscott]

hh

[rich46]

I'm no expert, but enforcing the No Contact rule is definitely NOT a sure-fire way to bring back your ex! BUT like the previous poster said, it is better than playing the role of the neutered ex-boyfriend! Plus there is a chance that she will miss you and may realise what a big mistake she has made. If she doesn't think like this, then the relationship simply wasn't meant to be and No Contact will have put you well on the road to recovery...instead of being strung along like an unwanted, spare part!

[Scout]

Ha! Well said, Rich. Because that's exactly what you become...a spare part to be used temporarily if the shiny new one breaks down.

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

With NC -the problem I have is that as soon as I try to use it, not even a day goes by & my ex & I are in contact again (he calls me).

 

I WORRY IF I HAD TO JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN NOT SPEAK TO HIM & IGNORE HIS CALLS THAT IT WOULD PUSH HIM AWAY EVEN MORE...

 

I want to remain his friend & be there for him, surly this would maybe bring us closer together in the long run.

 

If you would like to read my post its

"Im not sure what to do -I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HIM"

 

I'M still not convinsed that it is the right way to go...

[detox5]

I been doign the NC for abuot 3 weeks, my ex is holiday, she told me this through her online msn name, normally i would message her like ohh cool ur doing this and that, nothing i said nothing. about 3 days after SHE messages me some random question, i think she is being curious if i will still chase her, or maybe she wanted to show me she is on hol.

 

I can safly say NC does work, im rarely thinking about my ex all the time and when i do its just a faint image in ur head. when they used to call or come online u used to get excited and get annoyed when they dont say anyuthing, but its no bother and just another joe, this soo helps.

 

So with that in mind DO NC you have to ask urself if there was any bond of anything, if you had something, if so they WILL come back to u with NC, they will at least be nosey and curious wat ur dong with ur life, and when that time happens (that time has come for me) then eat up all that power and show them they dont care, they will soon come runnin, if you had anything special in the past, hope that helps?

[wmlaw2005]

Very interesting advice. It probably makes more sense to not be friends than be strung along, but I have to admit it's hard to not think about her. Anyway, a couple days went by since we had dinner last Monday, and I didn't contact her at all. Then I went online yesterday (I'll admit I wanted to see if she was on and hoped that she contacted me), and in fact she was on, and did contact me to see how I was doing. I played it off like I was doing fine, and didn't bring up the breakup at all. I also told her in a very laid back way that if she wants to hang out or see me to just give me a call. She got confused because I told her last time we hung out that I couldn't be friends and didn't want to see her, but I just told her that everything was fine now and if she wants to call or see me, I could do that. Then I told her I had to get going and I signed off. I think my whole strategy towards this is to not contact her, but let her contact me and even hang out if she wants to. I know it'll be very hard, but I think if I can suck it up and look positive, it'll make her more attracted to me again. What do you all think about this? Though it could look like I'm a spare temporary part to be used when a shiny one breaks down, I feel that if we do contact each other over the course of the next few weeks or months, when she realizes that whatever new guy she's with isn't cutting it, I think it'll be easier to take me back (assuming I want to go back). Otherwise, I feel that if I keep saying that I can't hang out or talk because it hurts too bad, then she'll be more reluctant to go back with me in the future because she'll feel guilty about possibly hurting me again. Any help would be appreciated.

[bexcelant]

I have been through what you are going through. Here's my advice. If you have already told her how you felt and pursued her and she's still with the other guy....NC until you can remain composed. That may take some time. When you are ready..be there for her as her friend. You can initiate this earlier because when the relationship is new..it's wobbly and you are still a strong draw.

 

Now here's the catcher.

 

DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT BE HER BACKUP BOY. Watch how she treats you. Does she call you up and want to do stuff with you? Are you the one doing all the work? Does she treat you like a best friend would? Cause if she doesn't..she doesn't respect you or value you. At this point I'd say take the hard step and again NC. She will eventually contact you again. Or at very worst, it's not meant to be as it seems in my case. But your mind and emotions will be prepared for the worst with NC. You can then move on. If things work out well, and she wants to get back..then go that way but stand your ground and evaluate the things that went wrong the first time, talk about them and work through things together. Don't make the mistakes you made the first time. Own up to them and say you know that you didn't do everything right and then be mature and move forward.

 

Well that's my two cents worth..hope it helps

 

BEX