I dont know where to go from here

[jakel]

My girlfriend of two years left me and moved accross the country and Is in another relationship that I suspect started right after we broke up. We had a tumultuous relationship in a lot of ways but I think she is the only woman I have ever really wanted to be with. She and I would talk for hours, she said I was her true love and asked me to marry her. I bought her a ring, I wanted it to work out, I feel a serious loss still. My son who is seven got attached to her she was good with him.

 

I did everything the complete opposite of what is recommended. I called, texted, emailed, I begged I bargained, I raged. I went nc and then caved and broke it I have gone nc for a month twice since the bu five months ago. I'm now at ll day nc the last text was an apology and a please don't respond explaining it was out of self preservation and not resentment.

 

Im so jealous and full of comparisons I feel dissed to the max and really very stupid for opening myself up to this kind of hurt. I dont want to stay this jaded depressed person. I don't understand how she can be fine! part of me feels like I was decieved and that I never meant anything to her.

 

I'm a 36 years old I'm divorced, have 2 kids with different women depressed, at a low earning job, balding overly sensitive, loser. I understand this mindset is not positive but Its the one I have.

 

I have insomia pretty bad for the last 5 months since bu I typically sleep 4-5 hours a night. I'm sure thats not helping my depression. I went to therapy 11 years ago for depression and in the end he put me on antidepressants. the antidepressants made me manic so I was given sleeping pills and then tranquilsers. A year later I was on enough dope to killl a horse. I Stopped taking all of it damn near died from withdrawls. I was left very wary of psychiatry and found other way of dealing with depression. I since this bu have felt really depressed though.

 

I loath myself,I loath how I look, I loath I feel, I loath the choices I have made. I feel barely human at times. I am not feeling the moral of this story, or some higher meaning in this messed up situation. I'm gratefull for this forum and have used it quite a bit but tonight I'm in hell.

 

I hear about working on ones self after a breakup I realize I have no idea how to do that ? I Just want to be happy

[PH88]

Hey man you say you have 2 kids? Do as much as you can with them, they themselves should be the primary source of happiness for you at this time. You are one of/if not the most important figure for them so that in itself should prove to you that you ARE worth something. You aren't a loser by any means, you may have lost her, but in reality you were shown the opportunity to look for something better for you and your family. I believe you will pull through and come out stronger than before. Don't worry, time heals everything, spend time with your kids, they'll give you the love that you need.

[charity]

you know kids are great. i have 2 also and i love them dearly but they are not my everything and they cannot make you feel complete if you are not complete inside. i think first of all spend some time on this forum, listen to people stories and you may hear some similar to your own. then start reading books and articles. about relationships, about life, the meaning of life etc. i found these opened my eyes to the big picture. i recommend THE POWER OF NOW by eckhart tolle. you need to work on yourself and find yourself. find what you like to do and do more of it. find what you don't like and reduce that. we are all different , we don't all have to be this cheerful attractive flamboyount individual. you can be who you are and be happy how you are. you just have to find and accept yourself first.