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the reasons my Dumper gave


resilient

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You're doing good...dont ya love those days where you know you've got your shyt together?!

 

I dont think I will. It freakin hurts like hell, but I have to remember all the reasons I left him. I hate it too. I go back and forth with what I want depending on how the day goes. Im just in no position to make a decision right now, so I dont.

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Nice to hear you are all doing better! Today is 6 weeks of NC for me, 42 days. I cannot believe how time flies, I have been away for a month with her before when she went on a trip. But this the longest time I haven't spoken to her so far.

Friday April 1st was the day we met last year. It's going to be rough thinking of that day. We were on a mountain drinking some red wine and our first kiss. Now a year later,broken up and looking for a new partner on a dating website, sad really...

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Nice to hear you are all doing better! Today is 6 weeks of NC for me, 42 days. I cannot believe how time flies, I have been away for a month with her before when she went on a trip. But this the longest time I haven't spoken to her so far.

Friday April 1st was the day we met last year. It's going to be rough thinking of that day. We were on a mountain drinking some red wine and our first kiss. Now a year later,broken up and looking for a new partner on a dating website, sad really...

 

Yeah it is sad how things turn around and slip away through our fingers, unbelievable how time makes the change... it either forces us to move forward or get us trambled ...

did you set a time limit for the NC though? aren't you looking for some closure Pirandello?

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I was thinking of writing her a closure email this Friday , but now that she is dating, I don't see why I should, I might as well just keep moving on as usual and not break NC. She might see it as a needy attempt from my part to stop her from dating or to try to convince her to come back. I want her to live with her decision and go out there and experience whatever she wants. I also don't want to risk my healing process by breaking NC, she might reply something that can set me back to day 1. I believe when you love someone you must respect their decision and set them free and if they loved you they will come back, if they don't they didn't love you enough or at all and you were just wasting time and energy and setting yourself back from meeting your true love.

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You know Pirandello? it would only take experience to understand that as long as you take the 1) initial the right decision towards who you choose to start a relationship with and then 2) follow up with the right attitude and reactions then any love can be true...

 

I am thinking once a relationship fails it means we missed out on one of these two factors. if on the other hand she truly loved you, then she would be more tolerant with you of the second factor...

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You know Pirandello? it would only take experience to understand that as long as you take the 1) initial the right decision towards who you choose to start a relationship with and then 2) follow up with the right attitude and reactions then any love can be true...

 

I am thinking once a relationship fails it means we missed out on one of these two factors. if on the other hand she truly loved you, then she would be more tolerant with you of the second factor...

 

 

I tried to have the right attitude with her, but when i saw she did not do any efforts on her side, i kind of gave up. You are only willing to make efforts if you see she is also making them. I felt it was one sided, and on top of doing efforts, she saw only the negative things i did, it's like all the good i did was not valid anymore. So what is the use staying in this insanity? What was i going to gain by continuing to make efforts and get just negative feedback from her and non stop insults and put downs...

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I tried to have the right attitude with her, but when i saw she did not do any efforts on her side, i kind of gave up. You are only willing to make efforts if you see she is also making them. I felt it was one sided, and on top of doing efforts, she saw only the negative things i did, it's like all the good i did was not valid anymore. So what is the use staying in this insanity? What was i going to gain by continuing to make efforts and get just negative feedback from her and non stop insults and put downs...

 

yeah, that's rational thinking... but what to do about the heart thinking is the problem.

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I mean your justification for why you should not follow up on her is logical... but your heart says you love her, that's what makes it difficult for you... i am in the same situation in a way..

 

true, my logic says, no don't contact her, let her be, she made her decision, don't go against her free will. But my heart says, call her and check up on her to see if she is ok, besides in her text msg she said "call me anytime you want to talk, i will always be there for you".

 

The problem is, i don't want to call and then enter the friend zone and then she going to tell me all her stories, and how her dates are going and blah blah blah... i just don't want to hear that crap. Then she going to say, don't worry , you are a sweet good looking guy and you will find a great girl... i don't want to hear that, i don't need her validation. So i am keeping NC.

 

She broke up so i have no reason to call back. Maybe a letter of closure saying i respect her decision and i have no resentment and wish her all the best, but still i am hesitant to send an email.

 

I am just going to do NC, i am doing good, so why break it ?

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Man just unbelievable! you are telling my own story... in a way she is telling me... you are a special man, but I am dumping you anyway... where do I cash ' I am a special man' thing? God it hurts! I am planning to see a psychologist, I want to know what 'you are a special man' means'... i can not take this s**t of myself anymore... She made me doubt my self worth..

 

I had my ex ex contacting me yesterday crying her heart out trying to come back, she dumped herself and I let her go by going complete NC, I never got emotionally affected.. I used all the means to make her turn her off from me, but she never take no for an answer..

 

on the other hand my last ex is different caliber of person, a top woman... she F****d off and walked away ...

 

I think we live in a mad world we seek validation from those who reject us and we invalidate who run after us...

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So I have some uplifting stuff to share lol. Ive been on two dates with this guy (I met him the same night I met my ex lol)...so far, so good. Were taking things so slow a snail could pass....but it's nice to have some male company. It helps to take my mind off the ex because it's almost like starting a new chapter, and Im excited to see where it goes.

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isn't that ironic, we do live in a crazy world. why do we want or hope a woman that rejected us, will call back? i don't get it.

 

Today marks exactly 1 year ago i met my ex. I am tempted to send a closure email, but i want to see if she will break nc first.

I will resist temptation and keep busy. I also finally completed my 1 year program in 3d animation today. I guess it's a day of closure.

 

So resilient , your ex ex, called you begging you back and you refused? why?

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So I have some uplifting stuff to share lol. Ive been on two dates with this guy (I met him the same night I met my ex lol)...so far, so good. Were taking things so slow a snail could pass....but it's nice to have some male company. It helps to take my mind off the ex because it's almost like starting a new chapter, and Im excited to see where it goes.

 

it's funny you mention that doyathink, tonight i am going out with a girl i met 2 weeks ago in a bar, she text msg me out of the blue yesterday after 2 weeks and tonight is the same night i met my ex last year. we spoke over the phone last night, she has the same first name as me, hers finishes with an "a" and mine with an "o", maybe it's a new beginning... good luck with your new guy!

 

we will see how it goes tonight...

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isn't that ironic, we do live in a crazy world. why do we want or hope a woman that rejected us, will call back? i don't get it.

 

Today marks exactly 1 year ago i met my ex. I am tempted to send a closure email, but i want to see if she will break nc first.

I will resist temptation and keep busy. I also finally completed my 1 year program in 3d animation today. I guess it's a day of closure.

 

So resilient , your ex ex, called you begging you back and you refused? why?

 

It is long story, I met her online when i was married 12 years ago, when internet was fairly new. She lived 150 miles away. In the last 12 years we met like 30 times, but were always in touch through sms and emails. Aso we were on and off in our relationship due to LDR... two years ago I had divorce because I wasn't happy in my marriage which was turbulent and unhealthy but we stayed on because of the child. Anyway when I had divorce, ex ex thought now the road is clear for us to get married and insisted on it. She used NC as a weapon and would break it herself. but I didn't care much about her NC and decided to quit my relationship all together and told her so. But she never took NO for an answer. When I met ex, I told ex ex that now I am committed and not going to have any contact with her anymore at any level, I wanted to give my new relationship full chance. So she stayed away during the past 5 month. Yesterday she emailed me saying hi, so I told her about my recent BU. She started telling me that I was being punished for what I have done to her and kept the blame of her past and future misery on me. She tried to make me feel guilty and wanted me to mend things with her. I told her I have already learned a lesson from my past mistakes, that I shouldn't have cheated and she shouldn't have messed with a married man and we both deserved what happened to us, and that each of us should start on his own way learning from out mistakes. I told her I planning not contact ex and she should do the same with me. I told her each one of us should fight his own battle.

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About "lizards" -- I think you may be referring to an analogy from Imago relationship theory (Please look at the AL Turtle website, easily found by internet search) in which our deepest, instinctive reactions are said to stem from the primitive root of our brains which is like the brain of a lizard (Liards don't have the higher cognitive functions.) We all have our lizards within. When we react emtionally by running away or fighting, we are said to be expressing our lizards. It's not the same thing as calling people "lizards" because they disappointed us.

When someone's lizard is making him run away or fight, we must make that lizard within feel safe. It's not about external logic, it's what makes sense to that person's lizard. Al Turtle's website covers this in detail. You may find it interesting and helpful as I did.

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About "lizards" -- I think you may be referring to an analogy from Imago relationship theory (Please look at the AL Turtle website, easily found by internet search) in which our deepest, instinctive reactions are said to stem from the primitive root of our brains which is like the brain of a lizard (Liards don't have the higher cognitive functions.) We all have our lizards within. When we react emtionally by running away or fighting, we are said to be expressing our lizards. It's not the same thing as calling people "lizards" because they disappointed us.

When someone's lizard is making him run away or fight, we must make that lizard within feel safe. It's not about external logic, it's what makes sense to that person's lizard. Al Turtle's website covers this in detail. You may find it interesting and helpful as I did.

 

Thanks for the note Janeiac, I meant exactly what you said and I have got the concept from exactly the same site you're referring to... but what I mentioned here has reference to another post.. walking away from a relationship without giving clear justification or simply because the dumper anticipated some future risks without identifying and discussing those risks with the dumpee is like running away before actually identifying the danager... just like a lizards do... but definitely i was not referring the physical outlook... it was only analogical comparison.

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it's funny you mention that doyathink, tonight i am going out with a girl i met 2 weeks ago in a bar, she text msg me out of the blue yesterday after 2 weeks and tonight is the same night i met my ex last year. we spoke over the phone last night, she has the same first name as me, hers finishes with an "a" and mine with an "o", maybe it's a new beginning... good luck with your new guy!

 

we will see how it goes tonight...

 

Oh man....Im so happy for you. If nothing else, its a good distraction and something to look forward to. My friends set me up with a guy 2 weeks after my bu and I was so not ready. I couldnt even make myself want to look at him. I missed the ex so badly then.

 

This guy now is someone I already know, and have always found him attractive...and knowing him already makes it more comfortable.

 

One thing Ive noticed in my own life, and it seems to cycle this way every damn time. I date a guy, I cant get into him so I break it off and hurt him. Then the next relationship comes around, and Im the one who gets hurt....even if IM the one who dumps the guy!

 

Karma? Someone always invests more then the other one too I think. The one who is least invested gets hurt less. The power belong to the one who cares less.

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Doyathink, how can you get hurt if you are doing the dumping? I don't get it?

 

Because I had to make that choice. He gave me no other option with the way he treated me, and the stuff he would say. He just kept getting worse, and I could tell I was the one who loved him more. I couldnt afford to let myself fall deeper in love, then have it ripped away. I guess Im an edgy person, when I feel like things just arent going to work for the long haul...I bail. I freakin hate heartache.

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it seems to me, from a dumpee's perspective, we live in two Worlds... the World that has gone up till the break-up moment and the World to come that starts from the break-up moment onwards. Those who we truly loved and dumped us live in the World that has gone and they chose not to live in our World to come.

 

NC is about putting in our mind the idea that they are Not Coming back even if we still carry a glimbse of hope that there is a chance. It is experiencing death while yet still living in the World, but different world.

 

For GOOD OR WORSE TILL BREAK-UP DO US APART. This is the true relationship reality.

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Because I had to make that choice. He gave me no other option with the way he treated me, and the stuff he would say. He just kept getting worse, and I could tell I was the one who loved him more. I couldnt afford to let myself fall deeper in love, then have it ripped away. I guess Im an edgy person, when I feel like things just arent going to work for the long haul...I bail. I freakin hate heartache.

 

I completely understand now, you are absolutely right, i felt the same with my ex, i knew i loved her more then she loved me and in the end i was pushing her to break up with me, it's like i knew sooner or later it was bound to happen.

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it seems to me, from a dumpee's perspective, we live in two Worlds... the World that has gone up till the break-up moment and the World to come that starts from the break-up moment onwards. Those who we truly loved and dumped us live in the World that has gone and they chose not to live in our World to come.

 

NC is about putting in our mind the idea that they are Not Coming back even if we still carry a glimbse of hope that there is a chance. It is experiencing death while yet still living in the World, but different world.

 

For GOOD OR WORSE TILL BREAK-UP DO US APART. This is the true relationship reality.

 

i understand how you feel resilient, i been feeling like that too lately. it's really sad. I finally survived friday the 1st of april, i did not break NC, i did not send that final email i was thinking of sending. Gotta stay strong, do not break nc!

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Doyathink, Pirandello,

 

I would like to share with you how we met online, it was through a dating site. This is how it started after she intitiated interest in my profile first under nick name cloudysky:

 

 

 

The irony is she was the one who initiated interest and she was the one who lost interest. It was in that initial conversation that we discussed ups and downs. With her I went much higher up and now without her I am much lower down. With experience I gained higher level of awareness and conciousness.

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