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the reasons my Dumper gave


resilient

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She gave me these reasons, in an exchange of emails, to justify her decision for breakup...

 

  • What brought us together is love, what is disconnecting us is unclear to me.
     
  • And I have been agonizing for a couple of weeks or so to come to my decision.
     
  • I'm just not willing to take risks when I know my mind is telling me something and my heart is telling me something else.
     
  • You are a special man, and maybe we could have been good friends, but I see it clearly now that our characters can love each other, but will often clash, and will grow distant with time.

 

Can female Dumpers associate with the above reasons?

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I don't think its something just for females to associate with. I think you have posted some of these before, I recognize parts of this.

 

To me this is a toss up between her head and heart, she loves you but is looking at things rationally. She says that you often clash, so to her she is thinking that long term you two are incompatible. If you fell out a lot or disagreed a lot then maybe she is right... it seems a reasonable reason for the break up, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.

 

If you are looking to get her back, I would say give her a chance to experience life without you. It may be that after she has experience trouble with another partner she realizes the problems you had really weren't important.

 

Im sorry to read that you had broken up, all the best mate

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She is saying that she recognizes that love is not enough... she may have fond feelings for you, but recognizes that you are incompatible on other levels that are driving you apart, that she feels the two of you won't be able to resolve or bridge the gap between you.

 

She is avoiding giving you specifics because she probably wants to be kind and doesn't want to drag out the breakup or give you specific points to negotiate because she doesn't want to spend more time trying to make it work or to invest more in the relationship seeing if you will or won't change in ways that she thinks she can live with (or not).

 

She's keeping it vague because she doesn't want to get dragged into details when she's already made her mind up to leave. People who are still unsure will give you more specific info like 'you spend all weekend watching sports and i get bored,' because you could come back and say, 'i'll watch less sports and we'll do more together'. If she doesn't want to try anymore, she'll just give you some nebulous reasons because she doesn't want to negotiate anymore... i'm sorry....

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If you fell out a lot or disagreed a lot then maybe she is right... it seems a reasonable reason for the break up, but that doesn't make it an easier pill to swallow.

 

 

Thank you for decoding the above reasons.. but on the above note this is part of what she also said in different email:

 

If anything was honest about our relationship it was us towards each other, and that there were no hidden intentions, no external influences, no immaturity and superficiality.

 

Clashes were not personal but related to our different lifestyles.. I was in the process of adjusting to hers and her friends'.. but fell short due to external circumistances rather than my unwillingness to adjust...

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She's keeping it vague because she doesn't want to get dragged into details when she's already made her mind up to leave.

 

Wow, so this must be an indication that she is a smart and professional dumper!

 

that's the most difficult part to swallow...

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She is just confused, whatever the reasons, low interest level, low attraction level, but doesn't mean she is not into him. Let's say a month or two passes and resilient does NC, strict NC, and his life is doing good, he is working, he is happy and confident. if she misses him and sees the new resilient, she will remember the first times they were together and she will probably want him back. But if he keeps texting her and giving her info about him, she will not miss him and it will push her away. I am telling you , if you keep contacting her it gives a message of being needy and insecure. She is good at picking up your feelings, stop feeding her the ammo. cheers!

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What does that even mean?

 

it means that I have to turn 180 degrees away, run as fast as I can and never look back... when the truth is so close, it is difficult to see... thats why we need someone else to give us nudge on the head ... i know i received many before but this one seems to count more...

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She is just confused, whatever the reasons, low interest level, low attraction level, but doesn't mean she is not into him. Let's say a month or two passes and resilient does NC, strict NC, and his life is doing good, he is working, he is happy and confident. if she misses him and sees the new resilient, she will remember the first times they were together and she will probably want him back. But if he keeps texting her and giving her info about him, she will not miss him and it will push her away. I am telling you , if you keep contacting her it gives a message of being needy and insecure. She is good at picking up your feelings, stop feeding her the ammo. cheers!

 

thank you Pirnadello for you support... I am NC day 7 now and will continue indefinitely

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She is just confused, whatever the reasons, low interest level, low attraction level, but doesn't mean she is not into him. Let's say a month or two passes and resilient does NC, strict NC, and his life is doing good, he is working, he is happy and confident. if she misses him and sees the new resilient, she will remember the first times they were together and she will probably want him back. But if he keeps texting her and giving her info about him, she will not miss him and it will push her away. I am telling you , if you keep contacting her it gives a message of being needy and insecure. She is good at picking up your feelings, stop feeding her the ammo. cheers!

 

How does an ex see how you've improved yourself when you're not in contact? Ive always wondered why ppl say this lol.....I never see my ex unless I make it a point to

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Good mate! keep it up. tomorrow will be 6 weeks of NC for me. I never replied to her text msg i got from her 2 weeks after break up which said that she hoped i understood her decision and that i can always call her if i need to talk. I was tempted to text or call her but i didn't, yes it is painful but i know it's not good for healing and i won't give her satisfaction that she did the right thing. If she want's back she will make a move, if not, i will move on...

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How does an ex see how you've improved yourself when you're not in contact? Ive always wondered why ppl say this lol.....I never see my ex unless I make it a point to

 

She will find a way, if she really wants to come back. How is he going to improve himself if she is constantly in contact with him?

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How does an ex see how you've improved yourself when you're not in contact? Ive always wondered why ppl say this lol.....I never see my ex unless I make it a point to

 

hi doyathink, the point is I am getting to realize that the person who dumped me is not the person who I loved... that person died at the dumping station... maybe this is my reflection after having read the congnitive dissonace theory...

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hi doyathink, the point is I am getting to realize that the person who dumped me is not the person who I loved... that person died at the dumping station... maybe this is my reflection after having read the congnitive dissonace theory...

 

well said! that person is gone, she betrayed your trust, she abandoned you in hard times. True love shows in hard times.

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Good mate! keep it up. tomorrow will be 6 weeks of NC for me. I never replied to her text msg i got from her 2 weeks after break up which said that she hoped i understood her decision and that i can always call her if i need to talk. I was tempted to text or call her but i didn't, yes it is painful but i know it's not good for healing and i won't give her satisfaction that she did the right thing. If she want's back she will make a move, if not, i will move on...

 

hey Pirandello, so you are going to go NC indefinitely until she texts you that she wants to reconcile? this is the move you expect?

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Resilient, all i can say is, whatever the reasons they give us, they are irrational reasons because their emotions are all over the place right now. Only time will tell what they truly feel. The feelings you built with her cannot just disappear, it takes time. The emotional connection could be still alive, it's just the attraction that went down. Just do NC and both of you can heal and have time to find happiness. Forget the reasons, don't try to analyze them. I tried to analyze why she told me "we don't understand each other" (that was her reason). It's just words to say, i am not sure anymore if i want this, i want to see what life is like without you. That's how i translate it. So i served her a nice dose of strict NC with no reply to her one and only Txt msg. She got what she wanted, now she will see what life is like without me and i will move on with my life and find my inner happiness again.

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dumpers are lizards... 'you cannot get love by chasing a lizard' those are not my words... i include myself in this description for having failed my previous relationships by being a dumper... if dumpers know they can not handle the mess, why do they get too involved and keep the monkey on their back in the first place?

 

I hope you find your inner happiness first and not share it with a selfish dumper... with all my respect to the non-selfish dumpers, ie dumpers who have clear and valid reasons... dumpers who understand what they feel and know how to communicate well in the proper time, who do not bottle it up and blow it up in the face of unsuspecting dumpee...

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Dumpers are usually no different from the dumpee, and they have no way of knowing that they can't handle the "impending mess", and they go through their own bit of pain, only they do it sooner, and because they control the fate of the relationship and thus both partners, it usually goes a bit easier for them. To call someone a lizard just because they have decided you are not the right person for them, is a bit of a stretch to say the least.

 

LOL, lizards, good one! if name calling helps the healing, why not, they won't know anyway... Ok i will explain something, I loved my ex very much, even if we had some communication problems, i did not think of dumping her, for me that's not a good enough reason to let someone go, you work on the communication problem. But in her mind, nope, it's a good enough reason to end it. That was selfish of her. Instead of dealing with the situation, she ran away. Ironically she thought i was going to dump her, a week prior to the break up. I just don't get her...

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It's letting you down gently so there's no hate on either side but I agree with Lavendar Dove ^.

It's over, I wouldn't try and read more into it, sorry

 

Nobody knows if it's over, only she knows and she might come back at any time. I had an ex that said it was over and then a year later she wanted me back, we got back together, lived together and then i said it was my turn to say it was over. She killed the relationship by breaking up first, it was never the same again after that. It's like a vase, you can glue it back together but it will never be solid like it was before breaking.

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She will find a way, if she really wants to come back. How is he going to improve himself if she is constantly in contact with him?

 

I totally agree. I wasn't questioning Res's situation...I was just asking why ppl say this. You can improve all you want, but if youre doing it to impress them.....they wont be around to see it. Get my point?

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hi doyathink, the point is I am getting to realize that the person who dumped me is not the person who I loved... that person died at the dumping station... maybe this is my reflection after having read the congnitive dissonace theory...

 

Hi Res! How ya doing today?

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To call someone a lizard just because they have decided you are not the right person for them, is a bit of a stretch to say the least.

 

a Lizard runs away for safety even if she has the least doubt that there 'could' be danger even not real one... she said the reasons for separation were not clear to her.. and she can not take risks even though she did not know exactly what those risks were... so the term lizard appliesto her case correctly...

 

I did have doubts myself about the relationship but I decided I should not cut and run for simply having doubts because we never had fights.. we only had discussions whenever we had different opinions regarding issues.. and she always used to cherish the way we talked things out... thats why she probably avoided discussion when it came to her final decision.. she acted like a lizard... (in the behavior thing)

 

surely if she looked like a lizard I wouldn't be here talking nostalgicly..

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hi doyathink... I am getting better day by day... how about you? are you going to give your ex another chance?

 

it is day 8 NC for me... I think she is bound to be impressed if continue my NC because:

 

a) my reaction after break-up must have removed any doubt in her mind about how much I loved her and what she meant to me ,

b) my long term NC will deprive her from any access to this love (at least if she cared).

c) if she get curious enough to contact me afterwards, my response to her which is ready to shoot, will make her reconsider her approach to any future relationship.

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