Fiance's Past and One Night Stands

[hers]

She's not responsible for any of your insecurities.

[galaxy71]

But guys like women who have the choice to want to date people who share their values and beliefs. Some people hold traditional views about relationships and dating. Others people hold more modern views of dating. It is better to break things off before marriage than getting divorced after you had several kids. I don't understand where people keep on bringing up "insecurity". If it is insecure to oppose "ONS's and other types of relationships", then a large proportion of the human popluation and lot of people in human history are insecure. If someone isn't compatible with you, break it off and find someone that is more compatible. I don't understand why there is a moral obligation for someone to stay with their partner until the end of time because of 'love'.

[annie24]

But guys like women who have the choice to want to date people who share their values and beliefs. Some people hold traditional views about relationships and dating. Others people hold more modern views of dating. It is better to break things off before marriage than getting divorced after you had several kids. I don't understand where people keep on bringing up "insecurity". If it is insecure to oppose "ONS's and other types of relationships", then a large proportion of the human popluation and lot of people in human history are insecure. If someone isn't compatible with you, break it off and find someone that is more compatible. I don't understand why there is a moral obligation for someone to stay with their partner until the end of time because of 'love'.

 

galaxy - i agree with you. however, I hope that if a guy finds out that his partner's past does not agree with his values, that he chooses to end things sooner rather than later. i'm not fond of a guy breaking up with a girl because of her promiscuous past - but he's known about it for 2 years. know what i mean?

[celloflex]

This is a hard situation and of course one I can relate to all too well. The gut feeling that comes from knowing about things about their past is very real. Is it rooted in insecurity? That totally depends on how you define it. Either way perhaps some of it is insecurity. However, the real question is does the person truly match up with us in those aspects. That is, how we view things including sex in terms of morality, norms and perspectives. Sadly some people were brought up to believe sex is just sex nothing more. I was not and many others were not as well. Some may have been brought up with some variance of the two extremes. Ultimately we make our own decisions but they are well influenced by those homegrown perspectives. We don't have any control over how they were brought up. Faulting them for not knowing any better or not acting as we would have is not healthy at the very least. But love is not that simple. What love is can be described, defined and written about ad nauseum. Yet what I and maybe others in this situation are afraid of is truly losing a person we feel we truly love over that part that we don't agree with and or sadly makes us ill.

 

In my mind I still wonder if I left today who would she be with tomorrow, or tonight. Not healthy. When she says "i've been waiting for this for a long time" does she truly mean love? Is this what love really means? Do we only get to the person we really truly want by means of others we use or have used us along the way? Again perspective. I have rarely seen more than one person at a time and then that crossover was unexpected rather than planned. Not proud of it but it can happen.

In her case maybe crossover is totally normal. She might think you only stop seeing other people when you know one is more 'right' than others. When all is said and done if we don't agree with it can we at least accept it? I find it extremely hard and it's a real emotion as real as the love that is felt for that person. This is what makes it so much more difficult. I feel like ultimately we may be looking to find out who they really are inside. Will that other person randomly come out and break our heart. Will something, anything, come back and haunt us in the present? What values will she pass on to 'our' kids if we have any?

 

These are all real emotions and the arguments to either support or deny them are logical. Yet the only thing that matters is our own logic. We feel what we feel and that which we are, we are. Then what? Do we live with it and pretend it doesn't exist while we live a separate life with this person. All is good in fairy tales but fairy tales have no past to taint their ending. I think that the modern view is that everything is inconsequential until we have to face a consequence. A relationship that does not work out because of our past is a consequence of our actions regardless of who or what influenced them. So if we are insecure, then that insecurity is based on facts ... perhaps fact we should know nothing about. Once we do though, what can be done with them. They will affect us the way they affect us and they need to be dealt with effectively.

 

Whether we leave the relationship or not these issues still need to be dealt with or else they will always come back to haunt us. Not being alone is great but the truth is no one else sees and feels the world through our eyes. If help is needed we must seek it. The sad truth is of course that we do stand alone in experience and how these things make us feel and react. Love is not enough to shut it down. But our feelings about it could very well be enough to shut us down and not love enough. It creates barriers where there may have been none. And once again we see the world differently from the rest. Think, decide, commit and act on what is best for you otherwise no one will end up happy.

[soporcogitavi]

But guys like women who have the choice to want to date people who share their values and beliefs. Some people hold traditional views about relationships and dating. Others people hold more modern views of dating. It is better to break things off before marriage than getting divorced after you had several kids. I don't understand where people keep on bringing up "insecurity". If it is insecure to oppose "ONS's and other types of relationships", then a large proportion of the human popluation and lot of people in human history are insecure. If someone isn't compatible with you, break it off and find someone that is more compatible. I don't understand why there is a moral obligation for someone to stay with their partner until the end of time because of 'love'.

 

I completely agree with you. Its simple, I fell in love with this women, she's amazing, she has all the qualities of a partner im looking for. Does all this mean that I think having 5 one night stands to validate yourself and build you confidence is fine? No I dont, I think the idea of meeting a stranger at a bar knowing them for 2or 3hrs and then going home with them and sharing something very intimate is wrong. I find many people these days take sexuality and sex so lightly, they couldnt care less, like its a big free for all, and there's people here preaching that its alright, well thats exactly the whole problem.

 

Lets put it this way, how validating can it be to say you had a one night stand with a good looking guy, most guys will sleep with pretty much any girl for a one night stand. These guys prey on girls at clubs regularly for this sort of thing. And guess what, congratulations you would only pick good looking guys, and just take a guess how many girls this guy brought home before? How could that boost your confidence. So am I judging her on her past, sure I am, Im trying to understand? Im also asking how to try and get over this?

 

 

If you want to know my line of thinking, thats it.

 

 

Is that not fair?

[annie24]

So am I judging her on her past, sure I am, Im trying to understand? Im also asking how to try and get over this?

 

no one is perfect and all of us have made mistakes in our youth that we wish we could go back and change. i know i certainly would do some things differently if i had to do them again. you learn and grow. i would be more concerned with what she would do today. a lot of us have done things at 19 that we wouldn't dream of doing at 29 or 39. a lot of things are learning experiences. i hope that now she has realized that self-esteem doesn't come from a ONS.

[celloflex]

Trying to understand is completely fair. Trying to grasp the reasons for letting oneself just go with a stranger is completely fair. It's not about not having had the same experiences and feeling a lack of something or longing for it. It is totally fair to want answers and just know who they really were, then. The hard part is that understanding and answers might never materialize. So then, will there always be that gap in connectivity. Will there always be that sadness in your eyes that she will notice and ask you what is wrong. How many times can you answer 'what is wrong' truthfully before the resentment sets in and her survival instincts build a fortress around her heart ... gradually blocking you out more and more. I'm right here with you on how this stuff can make you crazy though. Ugh!

[TakingtheBlame]

Well you're not her, so you'll probably never understand. If you truly believe she's an amazing person, then you just have to have faith that she made the decisions she made for some reason that made complete sense to her at the time. There's not much you can do to get over this except to accept the fact that you will never understand why anyone (including your fiancee) did the things she did...and just focus on now. Realistically, what can you hope to gain by obsessing over her past? It's not like she can change it.

[penelope13]

Did you consider that everything that you like about her - her confidence, her personality etc - might be all a direct response to those experiences and what she learned from them? I.e would you prefer it (for example) if she hadn't had those experiences, but would still be insecure about herself?

 

Experiences, both good and bad, can propel your personal development.