How do I get real with myself about this relationship?

[hippychick11]

I met this guy online about 3 years ago on some gaming site, we became really close. At that time he was also talking to another woman which she is still in the picture and ruining my relationship with this guy.

Basically last year she went to meet him in his country (she's a real go-getter type and went to see another man she has been strining on along the way and stayed with him for a month). Anyway, my 'boyfriend' organized tickets at a baseball game for them and I found a post this woman had made saying they kissed and she's in love with him etc.

He denies there is anything going on and continues to tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me, there was no romantic chemistry with her.

I am now going to be visiting his country in April and he will not mention it at all and said he would however like to meet for a coffee, that's it.

I'm worried that im going to be in a foreign country and be totally heartbroken by this guy but i figure that life is about taking risks and he could end up really liking me and wanting to show me around his town.

I really need some advice because I think i might be living in a fantasy world and not being real about it.

Can you help?

[Hollyj]

I don't understand how she is ruining the relationship? He is the one in contact with her!

She stayed with him for a month and there's no romantic chemistry. You can't believe this??? I don't understand how he's your 'boyfriend'-and in love with you- but is actively involved with another woman? I don't understand why it's bad for her to see someone -she's staying with-but you are doing the exact same thing? Lastly, this guy says he loves you, but only has time for coffee??? C'mon!

I don't mean to be sarcastic, but this situation is ridiculous! This guy is involved with this other woman-probably others-and does not love you. Someone that loves you would never treat you this way!

Cancel the trip and show yourself some love, by finding a healthy local realtionship.

How old are you?

[metrogirl]

I wouldn't travel to another country for coffee.

[kelless]

I would, but not with this guy lol

[superfox]

I would, but not with this guy lol

 

Hahah! Nice to see you laughing

[PaintWithLight]

I agre with the other posters. How old are you and what are the distances involved? You even admit the other girl is a go-getter and she did, she went and spend time with him. I think the idea that you and him are in a relationship that she is ruining is untrue. She and he seems to think he is free to date around and meet women.

 

Does coffee really mean just coffee? Are you planning on having sex with this guy when you visit?

[hippychick11]

I may have worded my post wrong because this other woman isn't in the picture anymore, it's just that I guess I'm jealous that when she visited him for 4 days (he lives in USA) that he took her to a ball game and is only offering me a coffee (money isnt the issue, it's more the effort).

I really love this guy and we talk EVERY night for hours, we're like best friends and I think he could really like me in real life too.

My trip does not revolve around this meeting though and I'm prepared for any rejection I may get from him, I would have gone on this trip with our without ever meeting up with him.

As for my age, I'm 24 and he is in his mid 20s as well. I feel like im really close to him and i'm not an easy type who would have sex with anybody, i dont plan on having sex with this guy either. I don't know if coffee just means coffee to him, he has made it very clear that he doesn't know if we will get on in person so it's just a casual meeting to say hi really.

But I don't know how guys think, is he after sex? he does talk intimately online.

[abitbroken]

I would dump him if you want my opinion. You are putting so much mental energy into this relationship - if he was really interested he would pull out all the stops if you were coming. Not meaning sex - but planning a day trip, showing you around, getting to know you. It doesn't have to cost much. I would do that if it was a romantic interest or even a distant relative who was coming to see me. But 'coffee" is a blow off and an insult. Are you sure you are not prompted to see him to sort of compete with this other gal? The mental energy you give him could be spent by having a relationship with a guy who is physically there to give you a hug or to get to know you.

 

Of course, no one knows how you will be together in person, but to me, if I were him, I would put this on the fast track to finding out with giving you his time. 3 years of chatting doesn't equal a relationship or 3 years in person, but it certainly is not "just coffee" unless you just chat with him casually here and there versus an exclusive situation which maybe you are more making it out to be (online boyfriend vs guy you like chatting with from time to time).

 

To me his words say he is not willing to take the risk, which you are willing to take. You are not asking him for marriage, but you are implying that you come all that way you deserve some time.

 

BTW, he also may be very reluctant with you being in another country - he might feel there is no potential for a real, lasting relationship. Also, if you haven't exchanged photos he could be worried about attraction.

[hippychick11]

I honestly think he doesnt want to make any plans is because he is self conscious about his appearance, he always tells me that i'm 'the pretty one' in the relationship and that I was out of his league. I feel he could think I might not be attracted to him so that's why he suggested a casual, no pressure first date.

 

I am going to give it a go though, i keep telling myself to have low expectations, if it doesnt work out than no big deal, at least we tried. I would really regret it if i never got to meet him in my life and I think this trip will be good for me, I can't wait to see another country and experience another culture.

 

Just one last thing, I also tend to agree that as we have never met each other in real life, how are we going to know if there is a spark or chemistry there? Coffee dates can often lead to dinners and outings if we both like one another i think.