On not taking anything personally

[gravity]

I've been going through a tough time recently in my relationship and in life in general. We all experience this at points. But the other day I read this in a book and it struck a chord with me. Allow me to paraphrase.

 

Don't take anything personally -

 

Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own reality, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose their world on our world.

 

We often make things about ourselves, even when they are not. Because of personal self importance we make the assumption that everything is about 'me'. Even if other people lie to you, it is ok. They are lying to you because they are afraid. They are afraid that you will discover that they are not perfect. So when people do crappy things to you, it's not really about you. It's about them and their own personal issues and how they deal (or don't deal) with them.

 

I though it was a simple sentiment which bears repeating. Thoughts?

[FathomFear]

Well, fundamentally speaking I don't think it's accurate to say that we all live in different worlds. We all share a world, which is the precise reason why conflict occurs. Decisions matter, and something I decide to do can affect those around me.

 

Clearly, while it's not a good idea to assume that everything is about "me", the opposite isn't true either. Sometimes things can and should be taken personally. Some things definitely should not. The real challenge is knowing when to tell the difference.

[rocio]

The Dalai Lama talks about this in his book The Art of Happiness. I truly believe this.

[gravity]

Well, fundamentally speaking I don't think it's accurate to say that we all live in different worlds. We all share a world, which is the precise reason why conflict occurs. Decisions matter, and something I decide to do can affect those around me.

 

Clearly, while it's not a good idea to assume that everything is about "me", the opposite isn't true either. Sometimes things can and should be taken personally. Some things definitely should not. The real challenge is knowing when to tell the difference.

 

Interesting thoughts FathomFear.

 

I guess by 'worlds' I mean we each see and experience life slightly differently, based on our previous unique experiences, which in turns influences our expectations. Since our individual expectations are also unique this leads to problems when different persons expectations come into conflict over the same situation.

 

Could you give an example of a situation which should be taken personally? What would be the benefit of seeing it that way?

[rocio]

Could you give an example of a situation which should be taken personally? What would be the benefit of seeing it that way?

 

Like if your boss tells you that your work sucks. ...and your work really does suck.

[gravity]

Like if your boss tells you that your work sucks. ...and your work really does suck.

 

Right, but your boss isn't saying that you suck, just your work. I think this is a perfect example of where you should not take it personally since your work (which admittedly sucks) doesn't reflect you as a person, simply your ability to do good work that day.

[rocio]

Right, but your boss isn't saying that you suck, just your work. I think this is a perfect example of where you should not take it personally since your work (which admittedly sucks) doesn't reflect you as a person, simply your ability to do good work that day.

 

...or every day.

 

I think you can take the attitude that either:

 

a) you weren't trying your best. So you resolve to try your best from now on, or

b) you were trying your best. In which case, you did all you could so there's no use feeling bad about it.

 

But still, people's criticism on you can certainly be a reflection of you as a person. You just have to see the criticism as a gift instead of using as ammunition for self-loathing.

[Ariel85]

There's some truth to this, but I think you're misinterpreting the messaging a bit.

 

It's a mistake to go through life thinking nothing is about you, because sometimes it is. People don't all live in their own worlds, and sometimes they act out in ways that are personal, and others it's a manifestation of their own issues.

 

For example, if a parent is abusive, it's not because the child is bad, or lacking in some way. It's because the parent is emotionally ill and THAT is not something the child should personalize. However, if you have no friends because you treat people horribly, then that is something you should take personally, because it is about you.

[gravity]

You just have to see the criticism as a gift instead of using as ammunition for self-loathing.

 

Very well put.

 

if you have no friends because you treat people horribly, then that is something you should take personally, because it is about you.

 

Great comment! I guess a better saying would be "Don't take external things personally". But again, treating people horribly would be a symptom of our own personal maladjustment and doesn't necessarily make you a bad person (unless you don't care and continue to be nasty regardless).

[FathomFear]

I guess by 'worlds' I mean we each see and experience life slightly differently, based on our previous unique experiences, which in turns influences our expectations. Since our individual expectations are also unique this leads to problems when different persons expectations come into conflict over the same situation.

 

Right. But the typical mistake occurs when one assumes that experiences are a "world". A set of experiences are not a world. A set of experiences occur within a world, and this world is shared.

 

I harp on this only because the whole line of thinking that everything is subjective, that we are all stuck in our own realities, etc, is nothing more than trendy pop-philosophy that appeals to the masses. It's generally decried in any kind of academic circles.

 

Could you give an example of a situation which should be taken personally? What would be the benefit of seeing it that way?

 

Hm, well on Monday I promised a coworker that I would drive her to work in the morning. Unfortunately, I completely forgot to pick her up. And it didn't dawn on me until I saw her arrive 10-15 minutes late with someone else. While she was trying to be nice about it, I could tell she wasn't exactly thrilled. Nor was I particularly thrilled in myself either.

[FathomFear]

Right, but your boss isn't saying that you suck, just your work. I think this is a perfect example of where you should not take it personally since your work (which admittedly sucks) doesn't reflect you as a person, simply your ability to do good work that day.

 

The work, though, is yours. That's the point. If I ask you to write three paragraphs about your life and it is filled with inaccuracies, spelling/grammar mistakes, etc, you can't say that this does not reflect on you. It does. While it certainly doesn't reflect on you in some sort of absolute sense of whether you're a good/bad person, it does reflect on your ability to do certain things. And you ability (or lack thereof) to do certain things is what makes you who you are.

[Sideways]

What book was this from? Reminds me of when people say it's nothing personal, yet you feel it was.