Does NC Really Work ?....Someone Give me the real truth !!!

[heartsick]

Hi guys -

 

I'm going to continue to use this forum for as long as it takes...hoping that, one day, there will be some change in my situation Either a) I start feeling better; or, b) I hear something from my ex. Many of you may be following my story by now....bare bone details.....12 years as best friends, 1.5 years as lovers, public plans for marriage, looking for rings, etc., tension over 2 months as threat of him losing his job and health issues loomed; break-up on June 24 (abruptly !) in an outburst after I tried "forcing" a conversation about his distancing in lieu of all the things happening; he also lost his job that very same day (he had a high profile job as VP for a large financial services firm and now is re-thinking his entire career as he is not happy in finance and would rather be teaching, etc.)

 

In the 1st 2 weeks I tried calling him, e-mailing him, etc. as I was COMPLETELY in a state of shock. I went to his house once, and he literally would not let me in the door and told me that we both had to heal, etc. (Of course, I know now he was right). Since then, I put NC in place...so, I'm coming up on 3 weeks now. He's currently on vacation with my 2 best friends (who are married) (it was a planned trip to his family's cabin in the woods and they still wanted to go...I gave my blessing). He's been in contact with my family ...first, to drop off my things from his house once or twice. Then, before he left for the vacation, to simply "check in on me" and see how I was doing. He has said consistently that he "wants to be friends with me in the future" given that he has "never cared for me as much as I've cared about anyone" and I have been the "most important person in his life for 12 years." Still, he has said to me (albeit always through anger) that he believes "irreparable damage has been done" given "how upset you became and how much you (I) cried," that he "doesn't think he can forget how I clung to the relationship in an unhealthy way as he needed his space," and "can't see himself feeling any different in the future."

 

So....now, I'm wondering....a) Does NC really work ? Eventually, is he going to want to contact me ? And b) is it possible that people simply say things when they are upset or feeling threatened/suffocated that they later take back ? I, truly, can't understand this type of behavior as i don't think i would say anything - even in the heat of the moment - that i thought i would later have to take back.

 

Can anyone, anyone at all, give me words of advice, wisdom, or experience ?

[kate111]

No contact works.

 

He will call you when he is ready. There is no point forcing him to deal with things now.

 

You need to give him time and space.

 

Meanwhile get out there and exercise, and pursue some new stuff and start dating. Don't wait around. Show him that you are not clinging to an unhealthy relationship anymore.

[wickedbusa]

I agree with Kate. Go out and do things for yourself. Don't make him the center of your world, YOU are the center of your world now. He will come looking for you, if and when he is ever ready. If he comes back, great. If not, the NC rule will help you move on that much more easier. I used the NC rule and although it was hard to stay true to it, I held out and eventually my ex did call me. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it made it that much more easier to move on after the call ended.

[Scout]

Heartsick...you see that you're getting basically the same advice on this post as other ones...there is NO quick-fix cure for the pain, but there IS a long-term cure...and it's FOCUSING ON YOURSELF. Yes, keep using these forums, but please know that you are in a grieving process and it takes time. You cannot continue to drive yourself nuts wondering what HE is thinking and feeling. You have to let go and let life just sort of take over from here. I promise you, if you take 200% care of yourself right now, down the road it WILL pay off in truckloads!!!

 

Please, dear...have faith in yourself and give yourself the love and consideration that this guy is not capable for whatever reasons for providing right now. Try, try, try to stop thinking so much about how he is feeling. Put yourself in the foremost of your mind. Go out and socialize with others if it kills you. It WILL get better, let time do its work!!

 

- Scout

[heartsick]

To Scout and others -

 

I think I'm actually doing a fairly good job of not thinking about what he is thinking or trying to predict what is going on his head. Right or wrong, I think I know the answer to that (at least for now), so there's little to guess or not. I have no doubt that he is not playing games with me and is truly acting on what he believes is best for him in the moment.

 

I'm following everyone's advice to the letter....excercising every day (I've lost 30 pounds since all of this started !), seeing friends, concentrating on work, going out here and there, seeing a therapist on a weekly basis.....but quite honestly.....it all makes me feel worse !!!! I come home after a night out with my friends....a night when I have great conversations with interesting people, get asked out by attractive men, am told by long-time friends that I've never looked better or seemed more on top of my game....and I'm literally shattered inside at the end of those experiences. I cry all night long. It's as though I think, "Great....I can make the rest of the world feel good and happy and strong and like a million bucks when they are with me.....and all I feel is alone and empty and rejected because the one person who swore for 12 years that he loved me deeply and intensely and would never leave my side seemed to "flip" on a single night, has dug in, and has not had a single conversation with me since. I read all of the posts on here....so many are about people dealing with the on again, off again; contact, no contact pain that couples go through when they are trying to separate from one another and heal. He's not even tempted to do that. What does that say about how easily he can walk away from this relationship ? Knowing him for 12 years through other relationships, I've watched his pattern with other women. He does what most of the people describe here.....break up, maybe sleep with them once or twice more, continue to remain in phone contact/stay friends. He's still friends (to some degree) with every woman he has EVER dated. Mind you, I don't think he ever talked about engagement with anyone besides me....and his friends and family say that he never loved anyone as intensely as he loved me. How can he walk away so easily ???? All it makes me realize is that - for as much as I don't think my crying and vulnerability were really that out of line or unwarranted - expressing that type of vulnerability must be so wretched and horrid that it erased and evaporated everything that he ever believed about me (or, for that matter, I believed about myself) for 12 years.

[Zipp]

I think you deserve a big hug and a pat on the back.

 

People can definitely say things that they mean in that moment only, I speak from experience. A couple of months before we broke up I asked him if he wanted to end our relationship, because he seemed distant, he said no. Weeks later I asked again, to me it seemed like he just didn't want to be the bad guy, he still said no he wants us to stay together. Well after 4 months of this, he broke up with me because he didn't want us to get in any deeper when he knew he wasn't ready. My ex has a lot on his plate as well and we deal with things differently, I confront stress, he buries it. He and I moved in together, which was a big deal for both of us, his family and friends also told me he had never loved anyone this much. But that doesn't necessarliy mean things will work out. We still love each other very much, he is my best friend. We still live together (separate rooms) and are trying to concentrate on our friendship. He tells me that when he's ready to settle down he prays I'm still available because he wants to marry me. I know in his heart he means it, but for now they are just words. So I have to focus on getting myself together.

 

Your guy sounds like he is going through a lot, and just needs some time. I don't think NC always works, because every situation is diferent. But it sounds like it may be working for you. Sometimes after a break up you feel like you are just going through the motions. You get up, get dressed, look nice, sound happy and feel hollow. I am going through that right now. But each day I'm a little less hollow, because I'm finding out that life can still be feel good. You guys may or may not get back together (and if it's best for you, I hope you do), but I'm sure the friendship you have built will stand the test of time. 12 years is a long time. And don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for trying to reach out, or to understand what happened. Sometimes we all need to know why, the sad part is that we have to depend on others for the answer.

[heartsick]

Zipp et al -

 

Boy, I'm so grateful for the wise words, comfort, and open sharing of strangers. Literally, every time I post on this site or receive a response back....it goes such a long way to steal me through the next day or so. I really hope that people don't mind my reaching out like this, but I have it so comforting...and inspiring to gain the strength I need to do as you suggested.....simply get through the motions.

 

I really am in such a state of flux.....I think especially because the friendship was so long, the relationship so steady and heading towards our future together....and then the BREAK....so unbelievably abrupt and definitive. I will give him credit for not playing games with me and being selfish by keeping me close to him when he knows he can't offer what I want.....but I'm so very angry and disappointed and sad that he's justifying is running by saying that none of it was real, that maybe he lied to himself, lied to me. He always said he spent 20 years (he never married and he's close to 40) dating people that he knew were wrong for him because he was afraid of intimacy....and that, all along, he was really holding out for me because I was the one person who could offer it all. Now, it seems like the same fear of intimacy is making him run away......and he's simply saying, "Well, you know what, maybe I chose wrong again." But, I don't think you choose wrong with the person that was your best friend for 12 years....I don't think he over-glorified or over-estimated me in any way. He fell in love with me, and I'm the only woman he ever planned on marrying....then, when it got scary and tough and uncertain.....he's gone and run away, denying our whole existence.

 

Thank you all for the advice and counsel. I'll keep you posted on any updates or heartache. Zipp and Scout - Hope you don't mind if I have to reconnect or PM you in the future for some support !

[Zipp]

Heartsick,

 

You can PM when ever you need to. I totally agree that people's replies are a big help. The first time I logged on I was in tears. Even posting replies to other people is helpful.

 

A lot of people date to avoid intimacy. Right now my ex is dating for pure fun, no emotion, no responsibility, no tears. When my ex and I started dating it was casual we both wanted to keep it that way, it changed quickly, got serious. Things happen that are sometimes out of our control, it was scary for both of us. Our friendship is keeping us both from going crazy. Unfortunately my ex is trying to keep me close, but that's another story. The thing about being with a friend (or anyone that knows you well) is that they know what buttons to push, to get a reaction or to make you leave them alone. It's really not personal, but we don't always know what to do with how we feel.

 

My mom has been telling me not to make any big decisions right now because I'm emotional. It's been hard but I've been sticking to it, and not doing rash things that I'd regret later. You have time, and these are his issues to work out, so take this time to work on yours.