Help Re: NC/LC

[NG85]

For some reason the past week I've been really panicking about my ex. She still crept into my thoughts occasionally since the break up, but I felt I was getting better at moving on from it. But the past week I have dreams of her every night, either of us together or of us getting back together. I have no idea why this is happening, it never happened before in the 5 months we've been apart - I'm beginning to feel almost like I did right after the break up, depressed, irritable, confused...

 

Here's a run-down of the break up:

 

- Together for over 2 years, a lot of which was an LDR

- Broke up 5 months ago mutually with no hard feelings, distance was really hard on us. We still spoke every once in a while like we were friends following the break-up. There was a possibility of reconciliation

- She got a new guy only about 3 weeks after we broke up, who lives on the other side of the country. So much for distance being a problem for her...

- I immediately went NC after telling her what I thought of this, and how I felt it was unfair

- NC for a month. During this time, though, she still reached out to me on Facebook, "liking" and commenting on almost everything I posted

- After a month she contacts me on AIM. I call her a few days later, and we chat on webcam

- Do LC for about 2 months, only speaking at most once a week

- Decided to fade back a bit, went NC for another month

- She contacted me on AIM again, then I called her on her birthday, then she called me before taking a vacation.

- Went NC after that for a few weeks before texting her for something urgent and work-related

- A few days later, I read more into NC when an ex is in a rebound. She IMed me yesterday, but I never answered, not knowing what I should be doing now

 

 

I can't shake this feeling of guilt about not responding to her IM. We've been on good terms, and it made me feel a bit like an a-hole. Sure, ignoring her was a one-time thing, but I've been torn about LC vs. NC. Our conversations are very short, and are mostly small talk about our jobs or TV shows. Nothing deep at all. She has initiated contact every time except for about 3 times, so it shows she's reaching out to me.

 

Also of note, 3 of these times she contacted me after a long period of non-contact were when she was either visiting her new guy, or he was visiting her. Why contact me if you're with this awesome new boyfriend who can do no wrong?

 

If she sends a text or calls, I let it go for a day or 2 before calling back. If she IMs me, well, I'm signed onto AIM so it'll look weird it if ignore her, so usually I respond but keep it short.

 

What I've learned about rebounds is that the dumper will keep the dumpee around as an emotional tampon, so she can be emotionally attached to the old person, but be physical and less emotionally involved with the new person, helping them to ease in. Will being in this LC phase where our conversations are really superficial still cause me to be this emotional tampon?

[jumper11]

Go NC it seriously makes the world of difference and don't feel bad not responding to her. You owe her nothing. Unfortunately you are being her 'emotional tampon'.. or blanket. Yeah, LC is doing that for you, especially proving that because she is already with someone...

 

I am 3 mths after my breakup and only when I decided to go permanent NC did I feel any healing, or got more or less the reaction I needed to see from my ex, which in my case, was seeing his utter stupidity, which honestly, is what I need to see. They think you will keep being there, answering, begging for them, whatever. As soon as you show you're not, then they are like what?! and react a bit and this in turn will speed your healing.. You need to cut contact, seriously. Only when I did that by taking advice did anything move along for me. I just wish I had done it sooner.

[NG85]

Thanks for the POV, Jumper. I know deep down that strict NC is the way to go, but I've been really stubborn the past few months. I've decided to stick to it by posting in Superdave's 30 day NC challenge, at which point I'm at day 6 of NC, which I hope will lead to a support system. I've also decided to stay away from AIM so I don't get any surprise IMs from my ex. I barely use it, and all my friends have my phone number anyway, so it's pointless to sign onto this program. I'm also limiting my Facebook and internet activities (Although it'd be interesting to see if she uses something like FB to reach out to me if I'm not on AIM or don't answer texts. During my first NC period she would reach out to me via FB almost every day, much more than she ever did when we were together).

 

The bottom line, though, is that I can't let her have her cake and eat it, too. I can't be a part of her life if she's with this new guy, and I can't be there for her if things turn sour between them or she feels lonely.

[jumper11]

Please delete her from facebook if you haven't already. Whether you decide to block her or not is up to you. I blocked my ex for a couple days but realized it was okay to unblock but have him deleted, which I am grateful for because I got to see his real stupidity...

 

Don't limit your internet just because of her.. make it so it just doesn't matter. I just deleted his main friends that were on my page, had to get my whole family to delete him when he went to one of them asking about me, now I'm good. And change all your privacy settings to friends only. My ex doesn't use facebook much anyways so it was like blocking him anyhow for the most part. It was best for me to delete him. He would do really dumb things like just blocking his wall from me, even though when he unblocked it, seriously there was no activity on his page, it was to just piss me off. By deleting, you limit this control of theirs, however petty it is. Also remember, they keep us on facebook to reassure them and their grief/guilt that we are their facebook buddies and 'friends' (you know, fake friends whenever they need you to get over you even more).

 

If you delete her but decide not to block, she can still message you/poke you/ etc., but not see your posts, pictures etc., which is what you want, if you can handle it. As I said, if you're not going to check her profile, and can handle her messages, then just delete her. I think I have been able to move on a little easier by keeping him unblocked but deleted, as I said sometimes the real stupidity comes out and only if they are unblocked do you get to see it. Also delete all her family if they are on there. I know it's hard. One of his family members, I love with all my heart, but deleted anyhow, it broke my heart but it was the right thing for *me*.

 

I am on almost a month and a half Full NC... it does help.. once you do NC for a while, you may want to hear from her still even over a month in but ---the desire to message back DECREASES---. This is what you want first. That overwhelming need to respond, like I did for 2 months (wish I found ENA sooner). Once you get there, their lame messages like "how are you doing?" "I hope you have a good day" start to appear silly.

 

And if it helps I don't get more than a week and a half without hearing/getting some stupidity from him and I"m still truckin' through lol. Yeah, it's hard. Especially with mine bothering me often. And contacting family he's met once, etc. Hardest is knowing he still doesn't want me back but is doing this to me... So just push ahead if she for some reason pulls these stunts, you're not alone and I have an idiot doing it to me.

 

PM me if you ever need anything!

[Deejmonster]

I would say that she either misses you and wants you back or like you said: wants you as an emotion "tampon". In what you told me, if she really wanted you back, she wouldnt be seeing someone else and would actively look for means of reconciliation. Go NC and stay that way, in this case, if she does want you back but just wants to "play" for a little bit, this should scare her into making up her mind. If she doesnt come back, then it will be time to figure out what your next move is. Either way, please go NC.

[NG85]

Thanks for the help, everyone. Ignoring her IM last week was actually a big boost to my self-esteem. I proved to myself that I have high self-worth. In fact, the past few days of NC have been going so easy that I've had no desire to even go on ENA, which I only seem to check out when I'm down or confused. Next week I may even have a date with a new girl!