I'm really having difficulty with this..

[confused70]

I'm interested in opinions and perspectives on my current situation...

 

I was married for a long time and my wife lost weight and "went crazy".. She left and I divorced her. I have two children.

 

I met another woman online and we seem to hit it off. We seemed to be attracted to her, and in fact her online ad said she liked to have sex 6x/day (which was appealing to my drive). I married her almost two years ago. My first wife created a "difficult" environment for my second wife and even often posted threats on myspace. My second wife got a restraining order (prior to us getting married). When we got married, my first wife did everything in her power to make it difficult. We had good (but quick - 15 minutes) of sex on our wedding night. "That's ok", I thought - there will be a lot on our honeymoon. There wasn't. None. Zip. She said she was in pain. Now is a good time to point out that she had surgery and claimed to be in a pain a lot, but was cleared to go back to work by the physicians. Everything triggers pain - emotions, weather, etc..

 

Within two months of being home (and I say home but she didn't move in with me until 6 months after being married), sex was down to about twice a month. I thought it was just me not remembering. So, I started a journal. It went from a few times a week to a few times a month to twice in fifty six WEEKS. She used the pain reason a lot. She would often say, "Sure, but make it quick." When I would climb on her, she would look to the side like I was causing great pain for her. She would claim to want foreplay, but would not engage in any.

 

Whenever I touch her, she says, "ouch. That hurts!" One time she said that hair on my leg scratched her while I was on top of her.

 

This all surprised me because she's on Neurontin (or was on it) for the pain she claims.

 

She has not interest in being naked in front of me or seeing me naked, in touching or being touched.

 

I took her on a trip a few months ago where she said (on the drive home) that she doesn't like me and sex feels like rape to her. So, we don't have it. This both hurt my feelings and made me angry. Had it been like this before getting married? why did she get married if this is the truth? Everything I do I do wrong. Here's an example, I said "I'm not sure you noticed I vaccuumed the front room yesterday (because I had carried firewood in for her and it made a mess)". She said, "I noticed, you didn't empty the vaccuum canister". She says I'm mean, I drink too much, etc. I'm really very sad and hurt. I'm very easy going and have a great heart. I'm very giving. She constantly says things like "you did this for your ex wife" (whatever this may be) "and you wont do it for me". Truth be told I dont feel connected to her. That sense of connection left with the sex.

 

I've started going to her doctor's appointment so I could hear what they were saying. Truth is they saw nothing that would cause pain. So, we started seeing a sex therapist. She stopped going because she said I act differently there than at home and was being "fake". She has a personality type that can never be wrong, ever. In fact, I said, "you know. I've never heard you say you were sorry." She said, "when was I wrong?" The therapist reasons that she feels she has nothing to fix and is not in the wrong. The therapist has also indicated she's seen psycho/sociopathic symptoms with her as well as racing thoughts, etc..

 

I'm relatively smart and make a decent living. I have very little relationship experience, and I trust people at what they say. Which is why I trusted the pain reason for not having sex. It didn't add up, though, when she was moving rocks around the yard, painting the house, moving into our new house, etc.. I feel misled and used.

 

There's a LOT more to the story but I think this is enough to get opinion. I will say she's older than me, has never been married or have kids, and has had a series of 3-5 year relationships.

 

I'm really curious on peoples' initial thoughts from this.

 

Thank you!

[In the Dark]

It was sad to read.

 

Going from a Wife who lost weight then went crazy which I think I know what is meant, to a woman who appeared to only wanted to marry and for who knows what reasons.

My only idea for the marriage and the charade she put on is to stick it out for two years, turn in to a B then divorce taking some of your $ and toys with her.

 

Maybe your ex wife knew what she was going to be like considering she may have turned out the same when she went crazy but it's only a speculation.

 

It's real life events like these which I have seen way too often to ever want to be married.

[abitbroken]

Why did you marry wife #2 if you really didn't know her? If she said she liked sex 6 times a day...well that's unrealistic...but when you never had sex - wouldn't some light go on in your mind about things? Did she have a lot of sex with you at first and then things start hurting? Or did you not know her well enough and married her quickly? having sociopathic thoughts is a bigger deal. Could it be that your first wife saw these things plain as day, you were too trusting, and she was really just looking out for the children when you married this woman rather than being jealous?

[confused70]

I wonder about the charade. Good thoughts, thank you! I think due to the limited time she wont get much.. I've been careful not to comingle accounts, which makes her angry.. But I stopped when I saw this starting (or stopping) to happen.

[confused70]

It felt like something was missing, we got married 2 years after we met. I didn't notice a lot of red flags I see looking back, now. Things were ok after the surgery. They started getting worse for a few months prior to the wedding and downhill from there. The December before, though - I recall her saying, "this is going to be a busy month. We probably wont be able to have sex." I thought - * * * !

[Maroney555]

That is weird to me. Unfortunately it sounds like she is losing interest in the marriage. I'm sorry

[Wager]

Hello, Confused70. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this grim, oppressive (and in my opinion, classic bait-and-switch) scenario. I do not think your behavior warrants your beating yourself up too badly for missing red flags, for it sounds as though you were quite purposefully (although I am not necessarily saying that my feeling is that it was also maliciously) misled by your second wife for the objective of presenting herself as the sort of woman you would find compatible without actually being that person - perhaps she wishes to be that person and cannot be, or possibly she believes herself to actually be this woman and would be sincerely surprised to find out she is not. Now, this is not simply about the sex, and not only about sex - the second wife is not showing you the respect, consideration, compassion, understanding or effort a partner deserves. It is not reasonable to be unwilling to resolve this situation in a manner that leaves you both at least somewhat satisfied - and based on your recounting of her behavior at the therapist's, as well as what the therapist alluded to (which is more than a little troubling - if the therapist believes the second wife to be psycho or socio -pathic, is there any danger to you being involved so closely with her? Especially when things are fractious between you?), she is mulishly looking at the circumstances from her point of view and her own desires and wants, with no regard for yours. I applaud your trying to work this out with her, but if there is no contribution to repairing and healing the relationship from her corner, I am not sure what the end result can be but to continue living life on her terms or to go your separate ways.

 

I do not have advice in this situation, I'm afraid, as you have already done what I would have suggested - doing what you can to please her and show her you are trying, talking to her directly about your concerns and feelings and attempting to seek appropriate counseling for the two of you. But for what it is worth, you have my sincere sorrow that you are suffering so, as well as my hope that it will be made better, in either a mutual meeting of the minds (and more importantly, hearts) between you and your second wife or on your own. I wish you all the best.

 

Wager

[confused70]

Now, this is not simply about the sex, and not only about sex - the second wife is not showing you the respect, consideration, compassion, understanding or effort a partner deserves. It is not reasonable to be unwilling to resolve this situation in a manner that leaves you both at least somewhat satisfied - and based on your recounting of her behavior at the therapist's, as well as what the therapist alluded to (which is more than a little troubling - if the therapist believes the second wife to be psycho or socio -pathic, is there any danger to you being involved so closely with her? Especially when things are fractious between you?), she is mulishly looking at the circumstances from her point of view and her own desires and wants, with no regard for yours.

 

Wager, that is incredibly intuitive.. like you were here..

 

Like I said there is a lot of other stuff.. There were about 3 or 4 incidents throughout the year I wouldn't consider sex. 30 Seconds of insertion with her looking away and grimacing - causing me to stop.

 

A few months ago, she asked me to perform orally on her. I was absolutely excited, I couldn't believe we were going to do this. I did, and she told me to pretend like somebody was performing oral on my while I self satisfied - while I performed oral on her. I walked away from that thinking - what was that all about.

[confused70]

Another thing is that she does an awful lot for the kids. She participates in their school, but her expectations (I feel) are unrealistic. My middle daughter missed 1/15 on a spelling test and at first when she wanted me to give her a consequence, I refused. Then she wanted me to have a conversation with her on consequences.

 

She got the girls involved in extracurricular activities, but hasn't attended any of them or church in the last year. Additionally she attends about half or less of the events my family (cousins, etc) has but is at full attendance of her family events.

 

Last night, she asked where we stand. She asked if I had given up on us, and I said yes. She changed her passwords, defriended me on facebook (?), and went into a fury of text messaging while refusing to talk to me.

[confused70]

It was sad to read.

 

Going from a Wife who lost weight then went crazy which I think I know what is meant, to a woman who appeared to only wanted to marry and for who knows what reasons.

My only idea for the marriage and the charade she put on is to stick it out for two years, turn in to a B then divorce taking some of your $ and toys with her.

 

The really sad part is she doesn't want a divorce. She wants it to stay like this. She doesn't work right now, and I have the kids three days a week - three days they are in school. They come home those nights and go to their moms on Saturday. She's here when they get home from school. Prepares dinner, makes lunches, participates with the girls and in school. She puts scrapbooks together with them, etc.. I say, "what do you want to do?" She says, "this is your choice. Don't put this on me." She'd be perfectly happy with the current arrangement. I just need to be touched.

[confused70]

So... I guess.. I'm looking for validation that leaving her is the healthy thing to do for me and the kids.. A consensus around that.. Because she does do so many wonderful things for the kids.