Symptoms of sexual abuse but no memory???

[Ayn9]

Wow I can't believe I found this. I'm trying to figure out if I've been sexually abused too. I have no memory of ever being molested as a child and never had any reason to believe I was until a few months ago my oldest sister told me that my dads stepdad molested her when she was a child. Even then I didn't give it much thought. Then my little brother told me a few weeks ago that he too was molested and not just by my dads stepdad but two other relatives. I've had sexual desires for as long as I can remember and I would masturbate alot as a child. I would as (as sick as it is) make out with my cousin and I'd always have her play the "male" role cuz I wanted to feel like I was being dominated. As I said before I knew this wasn't right but to me it was normal. I would hide all this from my family cuz I knew it wasn't normal to them. Growing up I've always sort of hated myself had no confidence or self esteem and I've dealt with depression anxiety and suicide. I bascially hid from society I hated going out in public. I feel very uncomfortable round the opposite sex especially older men. Maybe I'm making this into something bigger than it actually is, besides that I've never had problems with drugs or alcohol. Other than masturating I've never been sexual. So I'm really confused right now but reading that I'm not the only woman with "that" kind of history makes me feel so much better. This is the first time I've ever actually admitted to any of this stuff.

[Ayn9]

Wow I can't believe I found this. I'm trying to figure out if I've been sexually abused too. I have no memory of ever being molested as a child and never had any reason to believe I was until a few months ago my oldest sister told me that my dads stepdad molested her when she was a child. Even then I didn't give it much thought. Then my little brother told me a few weeks ago that he too was molested and not just by my dads stepdad but two other relatives. I've had sexual desires for as long as I can remember and I would masturbate alot as a child. I would as (as sick as it is) make out with my cousin and I'd always have her play the "male" role cuz I wanted to feel like I was being dominated. As I said before I knew this wasn't right but to me it was normal. I would hide all this from my family cuz I knew it wasn't normal to them. Growing up I've always sort of hated myself had no confidence or self esteem and I've dealt with depression anxiety and suicide. I bascially hid from society I hated going out in public. I feel very uncomfortable round the opposite sex especially older men. Maybe I'm making this into something bigger than it actually is, besides that I've never had problems with drugs or alcohol. Other than masturating I've never been sexual. So I'm really confused right now but reading that I'm not the only woman with "that" kind of history makes me feel so much better. This is the first time I've ever actually admitted to any of this stuff.

[Coolcat1]

This is eerily similar to my own situation. However, I have never had sex before. I only enjoy sexual fantasies in which I submit to a man, and makeout sessions are unenjoyable unless I pretend that my boyfriend is forcing me.

 

In addition, I have always been extremely sexual from an early age, experimenting from age five onwards. I've always had a much larger than average sex drive, even though I'm very young.

 

My mother has always suspected that I have been sexually abused as a baby, but I have no recollection of it. All I have now are these strange symptoms, including an irrational fear of sex. Although I feel sexual desire and want to have sex, thinking about actually doing it outside of a fantasy terrifies me. I cannot masturbate, be fingered, or use tampons without crying and imagining horrible pain, which I think is a disease called vaginisimus. I'm glad to know at least you don't suffer this.

 

I think it would be a great idea to go to therapy to decide if you truly were abused in the past. Either way, since the symptoms you have do not affect your sex life in an unhealthy way, I don't think that it'll make a complete difference in your life.

[cardigangirl]

I know this is an older post but I just had to reply and say you are not alone. As a child I was always very interested in sex, even though I couldn't have known what it was. I also urinated inappropriately--once on a stuffed animal. For me the act was definitely sexual for some reason. I think I was only 5 or 6. I always wonder if I was abused and blocked out the memory. I just never understood why I was so interested in sex at such a young age... Not to mention the myriad emotional issues I have today.

 

Anyway, your story is so similar to mine I had to comment. I hope you're doing well.

[Dontknow11235]

I feel a little weird posting on here, I just google searched "Symptoms that someone's been sexually abused as a child" and I found this. I've been thinking recently that maybe I've been sexually abused but I don't know for sure. I just remember I'd have a fascination with breasts at a young age, between the ages of 4-6. I don't know why but I'd grab a magazine and a girl in lingerie would excite me. I'd imagine a girl showing me her breasts as well and the thought itself made me feel good. I asked my mom about a neighbor that lived in the apartment above ours and she told me that she was really strange. All I remember is her being really nice to me and I really liked her. My mom told me that she (the neighbor) would ask me to go to her apartment with her or just go out with her occasionally. My mom stopped letting me go with the neighbor after my mom started to distrust her after a few things she said. Anyway, could I just be looking too much into this? I'm sorry if this really awkward. Only people I've ever told about my thoughts about this were two of my friends but I made it seem like a joke because I wasn't really sure if I wanted them to know for sure, but I had the need to tell someone. I think this post is the most honest I've been about all of this. Thanks for taking the time in reading this.

[lala22]

I am so grateful for this forum. For years, I've been confused as to what was happening to me. I thought I was crazy, I thought I was making it all up. I started contemplating suicide when I was 12. That the age I started realizing something was wrong. I would remember feeling drawn to sex at an early age. I am disgusted by this, but I remember I would force my cousin to open mouth kiss me, I would do the same when I started pre-school. When I turned 12, my family and I moved, which was pretty dramatic for me, and that's when the flashbacks started. I don't remember the abuse. The flashbacks were lucid, almost dreamlike. I would remember smells and sounds, and pain. I had trouble functioning around males, even my own father. I was so disgusted with myself for thinking that I may have abused. I was so convinced I was making it up, and I started contemplating suicide. I still have trouble acting normal around men. I'm 20 and have never been in a relationship because I've been fearful that my boyfriend would find me strange for wanting to be submissive in a sexual situation as you so stated. My parents still don't know, and I'm actually terrified of going to therapist. It scares to me find out what one might dig up. But at least now I know I'm not crazy or sick, and there are others who have been through this.

[ion001]

I've done some research on this as I was also reading these threads, thinking back to my own behavior as a child and becomming nervous that I might have been abused as well. I suggest that you google "Children with Sexual Behavior Problems". It turns out that although there is a higher instance of sexual abuse among children who display inapproriate sexual behavior, most children who have been sexually abused do not display this behavior. Furthermore only about half of children who do display this inappropriate behavior have been sexually abused. One of the causes listed for this behavior was a child being exposed to sexually explicit media which I believe was possibly the cause of my behavior. This is not to say that some of you haven't actually been sexually abused but just because you displayed this behavior as a child doesn't necessarily mean that you have been abused and trying to dig up memories of abuse that never happened might be adding uneeded trauma to your lives. As I mentioned, I did display some sexually inappropriate behavior and I also grew up to have an eating disorder and issues of anxiety and depression. Fortunately I've dealt with and resolved many of these issues but in the back of my mind I've always wondered. I then read these posts and became super paranoid. I've thought back and thought back and I simply can't remember any abuse ever happening - as hard as I've tried. I realized that maybe it wasn't a good idea to be trying so hard in the first place and to just accept that I might be one of those kids with a sexual behavior problem that was not abused. Just something to consider.

[AnneRenea]

So, I'm 38 and have always had a strong sense of being sexually abused as a very young child. I was also very sexual at a young age. I began looking at my dads porn collection before i was 10 years old and found his movies when I was 12. I taught my female cousin how to masturbate and I masturbated constantly when i was alone. I became promiscuous at a young age (12-13) and it makes me uncomfortable to have physical contact with my parents (hugging, cheek kisses, etc,.) I am still very sexual and unable to remain faithful. i have sex whether I want to or not. I am very submissive and enjoy pain. well, about a week ago I was having sex with a guy i have had sex with maybe 3 times and there was a strange smell in the room and it make me very uncomfortable. I didn't understand the reason I was so uncomfortable and my mind was trying to wrap itself around these thoughts when i started seeing myself as a young child in a t-shirt and panties. i remembered someone ejaculating on my panties and i realized that is what the smell was. i remembered being wet, sticky, and ashamed and then someone cleaning me off. I don't know what to do with this. i just don't know

[jadepotter]

Hi I'm 18 And I only remember centain things .. From when I was young .. My Uncle used to baby sit me when I was very young and I remember sitting on the sofa and he turnt the tv on to a porn channel and sat and watched it with me .. I don't remember him touching me but my mum told me today that when he was baby sitting one night and she came home he was crying and I said raymond(my uncle) tried to sex me up and I was 3 then and what floridagirlal said in her post .. I realised I did the same thing I engaged in dry humping and having orgasms and kissing and touching with a few girls even though I was at the age of 5 up to 8 or 9 .. I knew it was wrong but I knew about sex and felt a disire to touch myself and I felt disgusted with myself I didn't know what was wrong with me and I would have sexural thoughts aswell .. I'm positive he's touched me .. And My uncle is very ill now and he has child like behavier .. And we think he was abused as a child aswell .. A fixation on children .. I also developed depression at the age of 12 I've had it for 7 years now .. I Started masterbating when I was 5 .. I don't know I'm Confused Scared and alone I don't know what to do ?!

[Khaleesi]

Sometimes you just know, even without the memories. I never suspected a thing until I got older and I started understanding people more. There are more than a few signs for me, yet I can't seem to figure out where on earth it could've happened. Maybe I don't want to believe it.

 

- The biggest thing today, is how I wont let ANYBODY touch my boobs, not even myself. It literally makes me feel physically ill, a lot like someone else mentioned earlier; a quickened heart rate, the flood of emotion, and I even feel nauseous when it happens too.

- From the age of about 5-12 I would steal diapers from my daycare and wear them. I remember at first being upset and VERY confused because I remembered them "feeling better" when I was younger. I actually learned how to masturbate one night when I was pretending to be a baby, using my pillow as a diaper. The feeling of reaching an orgasm was familiar. *puke*

- I was so overly sexual as a kid. I molested other girls my age who started off just "being curious" with me but I'd always push it so far.

- My mom potty trained me at the age of 18 months... 18 MONTHS... CAUSE I ASKED HER TO.

- I've had insomnia my whole life, anxiety, paranoia, I'm just mentally a little bit unstable.

- Growing up, I had the biggest, most debilitating anxieties around my friend's parents.

- To this day I can't even be with someone unless they're willing to explore BDSM with me.

 

I tried to deny it for so long, but sometimes you just know.

[paliacie]

I just did the same thing....increasingly over my lifetime I've had this sense that "something" happened to me. At first it was just this feeling that I couldn't put words to, but as I've gotten older, all these little pieces are coming together. However, I don't have any explicit memories of anything, which is the frustrating part. What I do remember is this: without having the language to really know what it was, I remember being aroused when I was very young. Maybe 5 or so. I would touch myself and put a washcloth between my legs when I would bathe and squeeze my legs together because it would give me that feeling like when you're right about to orgasm...sort of the same feeling as when you climb a rope or a pole (which I also used to do at that age because I enjoyed the feeling). Now, I wouldn't say that in and of itself is any indication, because some degree of sexuality is normal at that age...but right about that same time I developed nightmares about burning alive in my bed and no-one in the house coming to rescue me. Every time I would go to bed I would start thinking about dying and panic. As I got older, maybe 7 or so, I also urinated in inappropriate places...I would specifically wait and go into the backyard to do it, or do it in the bushes in the front of our house. I also would wrap a baby blanket between my legs like a diaper and urinate in it, there was definitely something sexual about it. I would also make my friends do it...we would play outside and they would tell me they had to use my bathroom and I wouldn't let them, I'd make up some lie as to why they couldn't use it and make them wait until they were about to wet their pants and tell them that if they had to go they should do it outside and then I would watch them. I used to start wrestling with my female friends and tickling them and then I would put my hands and my feet in between their legs and "tickle" them there even when they told me to stop. I'm also ashamed to say that I catch myself thinking about what it was like for someone to abuse me in that way as a baby or a little girl and I find myself getting aroused and I'm so ashamed and horrified. At 9 I learned how to make myself orgasm with the showerhead; when I was 10 I looked at porn for hours after finding it in my friend's older brother's bathroom. I started cutting myself at the age of 12 and started feeling like I wanted to die. I dressed provocatively at the age of 12, pushed myself on every boy I could, and had sex by the age of 13. I slept with 8 different guys between the ages of 13 and 15 and made the choice to get pregnant at 15. During that period of time that I was sleeping with all those boys I felt empty and numb...we would start having sex and I would drift away and afterwards I would cry and hurt myself. I found myself in a lot of abusive relationships and the way it happened with one boy was when he pushed himself on me, although I didn't admit this for years because I saw it as my fault since I was his girlfriend at the time. After I had my daughter and I had been with her father in a steady relationship (my first one) I realized I was repulsed by guys and had been trying to fill a void. I eventually came out as gay and had two more abusive relationships with women before I found the right one. In times of great stress I regress, I become a little girl...I talk in a little girl voice and my partner becomes my parental figure. I am terrified of going to bed at night because as soon as the lights go out I start thinking about how I'm going to die someday and I panic (this only happens when I lay down in my own bed, at night...never if I'm anywhere else). In the past the panic would be so great that I would cry for hours and regress and then hurt myself because it was the only way to stop the tears, and then the only way I could fall asleep was to make myself orgasm. I'm triggered by being touched in certain ways...I'm pretty sure my face was covered at one point when I was abused because I FREAK if anything or anyone covers my face or holds me down and won't let me go, or if anyone covers my ears. I startle so easily that other people laugh at me, I'm often irritable for no reason and when I'm really stressed or drunk I'm prone to violent, angry outbursts. I also experience times that I'm not entirely there, like I step back inside my own head and my eyes feel funny and heavy and everything quiets down and I feel like I'm not quite there, especially when I recall past trauma. About a year and a half ago I took part in an EMDR training (a way of processing trauma) during which time we had to practice using the technique on one another and I had the most terrifying experience...I was talking about not feeling safe when I was alone in my room as a child and suddenly I felt like I was completely not in my body...all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I was absolutely paralyzed with the worst terror I have ever experienced in my life, I had to ask her to stop because I felt like I wasn't there anymore and the facilitator had to come over and help me out of it. At one time about 8 years ago my mother emailed me and flat out asked me if my father had ever sexually abused me and I said I didn't know, I don't have any memories, and asked her why she asked me that and she didn't respond to that specifically but said that there was a place she left me when I was about 4 to be babysat by my playmate's father and she had to come back early and pick me up because I was crying hysterically and telling her how much her daddy scared me. I get triggered during sex if my partner accidentally hurts me, even if it doesn't hurt that bad I shake and cry and shut down and I've had so many issues around sex in past relationships because I've been hypersexual and it's the only way in the past I've been able to tell whether someone loves me. I also have a tremendous amount of anger towards my mother for not protecting me from so many different thingsand I wonder if that's where it all started. It's so frustrating to not be able to know one way or another but there are so many things pointing to the fact that it likely happened to me. This is the first time I've ever shared all of this with anyone so thank you to the people who shared before me because you gave me the courage to share my experience, too, and it helps to know that I'm not the only one who did some of the things I did.

[BB92]

I'm in the same situation as you. I'm 22 and from a very young age maybe 5 or 6 years old I have been sexually active and I'm beginning to think it's why I might be gay and may have a repressed memory of sexual abuse.

 

I don't mean to go into detail but as a child I would do some very inappropriate things with other boys' buttocks before any child should know what these acts were and it makes me feel so sick and disgusted with myself.

 

I always used to have a fascination with skin and used to rub myself on my cousin's skin because it felt good I also made out with them.

 

I also used to have very vivid and recurring nightmares as a child of being drawn to my sister's room and there used to be someone dressed in a black robe and hood who used to "tickle" me as I used to call it, but I think in fact it was being molested. I've also had this dream as an adult (this was about 8 months ago which got me thinking I may have been abused)... I was in some kind of store cupboard and I had this feeling or knowing in the dream that I was in the BBC headquarters. In the cupboard I was in a child's body and there was some evil presence that touched me inappropriately.

 

Also I'm only attracted to men in a position of power and authority and like yourself I can only climax in a position of total submission.

 

Adding to that, I even urinated in strange places as a kid like peeing in a showroom toilet in B&Q or Homebase (can't remember which one) and also in a defunct decorative chamber pot in a mansion.

 

I started masturbating at a young age too, like 6 years old and rubbing myself against a pillow, before I received any form of sexual education.

 

And when I was about 14, I was drawn to my first fully remembered sexual experience to a man who was 40 years old in the back of his car.

 

When I was in Primary School in Year 3 my friend was telling me if I remembered the time when I got told off for asking my teacher why "he kept playing with his balls"... I don't remember saying this but should a child really know that kind of language? It got me thinking it could have been my teacher. This also ties in with the fact that I have a very poor memory of most of my childhood and I can't really remember things happening until I left primary school at age 12.

 

I'm in counselling at the moment because I've had a problem with drug abuse and mental problems and my family dynamic is something that I've had a struggle with as I'm adopted and my biological father left me when I was 3.

[TrainWreck83]

I see that this thread is REALLY old, but I was googling repressed memories and this was one of the top results. And, wow...so many of you sound like me.

 

I'm a 33 year old woman and it was until just a few weeks ago that it had even occurred to me that maybe something happened to me when I was very young. I have severe anxiety and depression issue, insecurity, just zero self esteem, terrified of being in trouble with authority figures, and, well, sex is damn near a traumatic experience for me. I've been with the same guy going on 4 years, and I love and trust him, but I hate sex. I force myself to do it for him, but the whole time I feel like I'm going to explode with anxiety. A few weeks ago he hesitantly asked if something ever happened to me, his previous girlfriend had been molested and he says I exhibit behavior similar to her. And man, when he asked me, I was just suddenly overcome by this feeling of dread and shame and nerves. I don't even know why. I quickly said "no, of course not, unless it's repressed or something, haha". And I just had this awful feeling like I'd been caught in a lie. After that I started googling.

 

Like a lot of you, I can remember doing and thinking some weird things as a kid. I remember often sexually stimulating myself when I was like 4-5, but I don't remember knowing it was sexual. I remember once seeing my little sister sleeping on the sofa and thinking about climbing on top of her, I was 6 or 7 inguess, she easy maybe 2. I didn't do it, but I thought about it, and it disgusts me to this day. I remember in 4th or 5th grade drawing a little doodle of myself and the boy I had a crush on, touching each other's genitals. I don't remember where or when I learned that though. I do remember my older sister seeing it and showing to my friends. We're not really on speaking terms, she seemed to really enjoy humiliating me when we were growing up.

 

I didn't do any dating until I was about 20 and I pretty quickly started doing sexual things guys want me to. I felt like I had to, that if I didn't they wouldn't like me. And that sex was just something I had to do in a relationship. It's funny how I've made this total 180, now just not wanting to have anything to do with sex. I pretty much never take all my clothes off, am uptight about how and where I'm touched. It makes me really uncomfortable to think about my sexual history. I occasionally watcheck porn, and when I do its always humiliating domination and rough stuff...I feel gross admitting that : 3.

 

I'm afraid to talk to therapist/Dr about it, because what if it's just all in my head? Like the idea was planted there so now I'm trying to connect dots that aren't really there, ya know? Because I have ZERO recollection of ever having been abused.