Says he wants to get married but can't afford the ring

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I have been seeing my boyfriend for 4 years. We moved in together almost immediately. We have talked of getting married and he took me to look at rings almost 3 years ago. There was a period of time where we would look every weekend for a ring. So naturally, I became pretty excited. Being a girl, I expected it to be soon and I got a reality check when he told me that he could not afford it and that he was only looking. So, I left the situation alone and did not mention it for a while.

 

Over the past three years, on and off again, I bring the subject up. Lately he has gotten aggrevated. I am starting to get really annoyed at his excuses. He says that he cannot afford a ring. I totally understand that but when I see him blowing money on un-necessary objects it really hurts my feelings and makes me think that he is only making excuses.

 

Here is the deal now. We are buying a house together. We close very soon and now I am really starting to get a bad gut feeling about the whole situation. Of course he is excited about his new house and he is looking at guy things like pool tables and fun stuff of that sort. But i am getting really ticked off when he is thinking about financing a pool table but he won't finance my ring becuase he "doesn't want anymore payments". Although he says the pool table is "down the road and he is just looking". Over the past month or so I have been really sick over the whole situation. The other day he said, "do you really want a ring from someone that you pressured to get?" My response was that he is buying a house with me and there is no pressure there? I really got my feelings hurt because I feel that these are all excuses.

 

I love him more than anything. We never fight or have a bad relationship, but I am not going to be in a dead end relationship. I feel that I should have never moved in with him. I might be married by now. I don't know what to do because now I am going to own a home with him. It's not like I can just leave at any given second without a big mess. I don't want to leave but I am getting really anxious and frustrated. I am sick over this almost everyday. If anyone out there can give some advice, I would appreciate it greatly!

[hurtabandoned]

Would you marry him without getting a ring?

 

My husband really couldn't afford an expensive ring. I'm not big on jewelry anyway so that was okay. I think that some men see spending so much on a ring differently than a woman does. For a man it may not make sense to invest that much money on something like jewelry that you can't do anything but wear. For a woman it's an important symbol.

 

But it is just that... a symbol. Do you think it would help to compromise and look at something less expensive? After all, the cost of the ring shouldn't be what it's all about.

 

I think he's right about being pressured. Recieving the ring when he did it on his own would have more meaning. If he bought it because you were insistant it would just be a shiny rock.

[sonjam]

I agree wit H&A. If the problem was the downpayment on the ring, witch is really just a symbol, buy 2 normal golden wedding bands, one for each of you . When there is money, have it melted and set in a ring. If it is important to you to get married, because of marraige, that will do, and if it is not really the the ring payment, this is when you will see his song and dance change.

 

My husband was married previously (for 8 months) when his wife died. When we got married he could also not afford to buy me a ring, and asked if he could melt his previous wife's ring and have the stone exchanged for a similar one, but just another one. NO EXPENSE. I said of course. It is after all, just a ring. I even used some of my old jewelery, I never wear it anyway. We even used his previous wedding ring. The money we could have spent on jewelery, we spent on us, furniture for our new home, a holiday etc.

 

The comitment is from the man you are going to marry, not the size of the diamond or the expense of the ring.??

[sayer7]

UGHHHH

 

I feel like I'm reliving the last 2 years of my life reading your post. lol

I understand COMPLETELY what you're going through. My (soon-to-be-ex once he gets back from OUR vacation with someone else) did the exact same thing to me.

 

After I pressured him about a ring for a year, every time his excuse was he couldn't afford it... all the while buying a new car, a new house, new electronic gadgets. One day I was being a really big pest about it and he finally gave in and asked me what my hurry was and told me "Old people get engaged and married- I don't want to feel old."

 

I'd basically been living with him for a year and a half in his new house because HE wouldn't put the effort in to drive 15 minutes down the road to see me at MY apartment, all the while waiting and waiting for that ring to show up on my finger one day... and right then I knew the REAL reason: He wasn't ready for that type of committment, that kind of responsibility, or that kind of maturity. I was crushed.

 

So as I said he's my soon-to-be-ex once he gets back from OUR vacation whom he chose the day before we were supposed to leave to take some other guy to Somewhere he wouldn't disclose and has YET to call me to tell me he's safe and where SOMEWHERE exactly is on the globe. It's been 48 hours now, no call, and I still have absolutely NO idea where he is.

 

As for what you're going through... I think his noncommittment should be a really big red flag especially if you've bought a house together. In my opinion... if he's ready to buy a house with you together, then he MUST be ready to give you that ring. If not, then you really need to look at the basis of the relationship-- is it built on trust? Do you feel he's taking you for granted or using you? Do you feel like both are pulling equal about of weight in the relationship?

 

You should really analyze the relationship with him to see if there are any other problems. If everything else is good... and you trust him completely... wait it out a little longer for that ring and just back off from that issue for a while. If nothing changes then you really need to sit down and talk about it with him in a non-argumentative way.

 

If he's not willing to seriously talk about it (like mine wasn't)... that's something else you need to consider.

 

I hope this doesn't scare you or anything... but really - if the ONLY issue in the relationship is the ring... just back off for now it may still come in time.

[d346]

ok,

I've dealt with my guy's commitment issues. -and he's mentioned that he can't afford the ring -however, I've come to discover that yes, they're expensive, but that's not what's really hindering him.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't want to spend his life with you. but I have got to think there's more to it than the ring. If he has enough $$ to put a down payment on a house or buy a pool table (they're really expensive) he has enough to put the minimal down payment on a ring.

 

Now, I personally look forward to getting a ring, but do you need it? Perhaps you can talk to him and say since we're getting the house, we should just pick a date to get married, and pick out bands...that is, if you're cool not getting the engagement ring.

 

I really think the issue at hand here is gettting him to commit to you. some people I would tell to be patient (as I am being) but you're buying a house together, and if he doesn't want to marry you, then you need to find out now. Don't assume he will eventually just because you guys are taking the big step -buying the house. What if he never does step up to the plate...then you're stuck co-owning a house, and may have to decide to settle for status quo for fear of rocking the boat and making life difficult if you call things off (regarding the house)

 

You've waited 3 years -and he hasn't saved enough for this ring he couldn't afford 3 years ago, so I would say it's time to have a earnest and serious talk with him.