I made a booboo

[Duderanomi]

Alright, so my ex-gf and I have been broken up for about 3 weeks now. She dumped me basically because I took her for granted. It wasn't the first time we were breaking up, and from all the other times where we broke up and got back together, I guess it just didn't hit me that hard right away.

 

After a few days, it really sunk in though, and I was in the most miserable state of my life. I was moping around everywhere, couldn't stop thinking about her. She wanted to try remaining friends so I went along with that, especially since the time I spent with her was the only time where I could be relatively cheery.

 

After over a week of this, I thought to myself that I was just stretching out my grief and that she wasn't going to take me back. I had tried all sorts of things (getting her a porpoise mood ring and taking her out all sorts of places being a few examples) and I was basically trying my hardest to be the boyfriend that I once was, before I turned into the ungrateful bastage I had become.

 

She insisted that it would take longer than that for her trust in me to be rebuilt, and the most I got from my efforts was a peck on the cheek, which I was ecstatic about.

 

I was becoming increasingly worried about her feelings for me fading all too quickly, and she had been talking increasingly to her new friend, a boy, so it made my situation that much more dire, even though she said she would never do anything at all with the other guy and that he "just wanted to do her."

 

One night, I just broke down and sent her an email saying that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. I explained how hopeless my situation was, how much I cared about her, how hard I was trying to be what she wanted me to be, and how my wishful thoughts were killing me because they simply weren't happening.

 

I wasn't exactly in my right mind when I wrote that email though. I was extremely sad, angry at myself, tired, and just plain fed up of everything in my life, so I'm thinking it was a self-destructive move since now all I can think about is how much I want to spend time with her again.

 

Now she won't answer my messages, and I don't know if I should call her because I think she's probably angry at me for staying on the fence about no contact.

 

I'm just so confused. What do you guys think I should do?

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

[avman]

Sometimes, you have to just step back and let things take their natural course. Things sound so strained right now that I think calling her would result in a disaster.

 

I do suggest you take a break from her and just let yourself heal and let her cool off. Continuing to make desperate pleas doesn't do anyone any good. And its not likely to earn you any respect after a heated exchange like that.

 

Reflecting on what went wrong is certainly a good idea. It sounds like mistakes were made and you realize you took her for granted. However, you need to see that it takes more than words to convince someone that you truly have changed on the inside. Anybody can SAY they've changed. But demonstrating it is a different story. And it can take a very long time for trust to be rebuilt.

 

Another thing to consider is that sometimes the relationship is simply too damaged to put it back together. Feelings are too hurt, trust is too broken, and too many events have happened. As painful as it is to accept, you have to move on and try to do better in your next relationship.

 

Back away for awhile (and I'm talking several weeks, not days). Let things shake out and feelings settle. Then you'll have to see where things go.

[rich46]

Hi Duderanomi,

 

I agree with what avman says, you definitely need to distance yourself from her for a while. I tried to be friends with my ex for a few days after she dumped me with the "time and space" routine, but one day I rang her back and told her that No Contact was the best policy for now, i.e. it gives her the time and space she said she needed, and it gives me time to get my head round things.

 

We haven't contacted eachother for 7 days and it is extremely difficult. But if you want a chance of getting her back, then you must back off for a bit. That is my main incentive right now, to give her space and hopefully she will miss me and maybe, just maybe, will realise what a mistake she has made. If she doesn't, then not only is she a fool (!), but at least I will have had the time to move on with my OWN life.

 

Honestly, the "friends" approach is just not possible for the person on the wrong end of the break up (as you've realised). She probably wants to stay in contact to lessen HER hurt and guilt, just like my ex wanted to. So I think sending that email was a good move to an extent. You let her know how you feel, and what you wanted to do next. Remember, you should do what YOU want to do now, you don't have to worry about what she wants anymore.

 

Give it at least a few weeks, then reevaluate what you want to do next.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[Ated]

I agree with both posts.

 

Wow you guys! U've got really mature answers. Very well put.

 

Hey rich, u seem really nice... and mature? what happened in your situation?