Japanese ex becoming slightly more persistent...

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Quick recap.

 

Long distance relationship with Japanese girl. 8 months. I lived in Korea but moved to a different part of Japan last August. So still long distance. I was planning to move closer to her next month but she got cold feet and started distancing, asking for "time and space" etc. I told her I couldn't maintain contact and be strung along, so in November started NC.

 

Since New Year's Day, we had no contact whatsoever for about 7 weeks. I deleted/blocked her on MSN, deleted her number from my phone, erased photos, etc.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago she texted out of the blue asking about my friends in New Zealand (after the earthquake) to which I didn't reply (I don't have any friends there anyway and she was just using that as an excuse to contact). A week later she texted again asking if I had changed my number...I replied after a few hours with "No, same one" and she again replied with an upbeat text with various smiley faces and such. One week later (yesterday) she texted "Happy Birthday Rich" and a few hours later I simply replied "Thanks." She then asked "How was your day?" and I haven't replied.

 

It is the old dilemma now...what to do next. Deep down, I would like her back but maybe that is just a pride thing. I have been actively dating other girls recently and making progress, especially with one girl. My options appear to be:

 

a) Ignore her. This would be easier to do if it had been a messy break up with cheating etc, but it wasn't...she used the old "time to think about us" line which confused me no end at the time.

 

b) Reiterate that unless she wants to talk then I don't want to engage in chit chat. This may give her some of the power back though as I will almost be admitting that I still want her back (although she wouldn't know about the other dating!).

 

c) Reestablish contact with her and see where it goes. Most risky option as she could well "disappear" once I start to bite more, and the power will be with her again. It may also confuse me and potentially interfere with my new dating.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Which option do you suggest? I have healed about 90% so I am not stressing about this...I wouldn't lose any sleep if we never contacted eachother again. But conversely, we did share a lot of good times which are obviously still in my mind.

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Rich

[dramallama]

I would say that unless she text messages you that she has done some thinking and wants to get back together, you should ignore it. Have you told her that you ONLY want to hear from her when she is sure she wants to be with you?

[rich46]

I would say that unless she text messages you that she has done some thinking and wants to get back together, you should ignore it. Have you told her that you ONLY want to hear from her when she is sure she wants to be with you?

Thanks for your reply dramallama, I like reading your advice...very wise.

 

Yeah usually I would agree. I'm not sure she would ever do that though...the Japanese are indirect at the best of times, so much so that she never officially broke up with me (although this is common all around the world, asking for the "time and space" thing).

 

Before Christmas, and before this extended period of NC, I replied to her text in an upbeat manner after about 10 days NC. We exchanged a couple of texts then she disappeared...didn't even text on Christmas Day. I am more guarded now after the NC and in a much stronger/indifferent position.

 

In my initial email to her in November, I had told her that I couldn't be in contact and that she should talk to me when she is less "confused" about what she wants. In the proceeding weeks, we both slipped a little and had sporadic contact, but like I said, we had a good 7 or 8 weeks NC at the start of 2011.

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't have done something as drastic as changing my number as it affects other people from getting in touch, too. I only advocate changing your number if the person was abusive towards you, dangerous, or there is more to the story than 8 months and the person wanting space. It IS appropriate to block her from instant messengers because you aren't changing your ID just for her. In this case, I think I would set a boundary and tell her that she asked for space and time and that you don't wish to exchange idle chit chat with her. I think its really hard over text to establish if someone has thought over things seriously, as you can't exactly text someone some long drawn out emotional thing. You have to start out with something short - like Happy Birthday - to see if they are even there. It is risky to pour your heart out. If you talked on the phone, that would be different. It is easier to fish out "idle chat" versus someone saying "hi, how are you...I've been thinking."

 

I would also see where things go with the new girl you are dating. But take things slow because the ex is still on your mind.

 

btw, did the "needing time" have partly to do with your moving?

[rich46]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Just to clarify, I didn't change my number. She just thought I had because I didn't reply to her NZ earthquake text.

 

Also, I have never lived near her. I now live in Japan but I still had to fly to see her. The plan was (at least in my mind) to move closer to her once my contract expired (next month) but this is when she started getting distant...like, afraid to take the next step of me moving closer.

[dramallama]

But if someone dumps you, then the dumper SHOULD take the risk of letting you know ASAP. If the dumper thinks they made a mistake, they will understand that you will not want to stay friends with them and keep in touch, so the dumper WILL break through NC and let you know very clearly, whether through text or email that they want to be with you. Anything else, you are just making excuses for them.

 

I do understand about the cultural differences in Japan, but everyone's heart is the same, and with matter of the heart, if she thinks she's made a mistake she will make it very clear. When you don't want to lose someone you will go to any lengths to get them back. And is it really that hard for her to write in an email that she misses you AND wants to try again? Or are you just making excuses for her so that you can break NC?

[rich46]

Thanks again for your direct advice...it does make sense and I agree with it all.

 

So are you suggesting I just ignore her question? I have never been in the position of wanting someone back after doing the dumping, so I am not sure how I would go about it. However, I don't think I would flat out text an ex saying that I wanted to get back together, especially after a period of NC. I would be conscious of the fact my ex could have found somebody else and I wouldn't want to jump right in. I don't know though.

 

There could be a degree of making excuses though...it is natural, even if it is subconscious.

[dramallama]

Well, like I said, send her an email letting her know that you'd only appreciate any contact if she is willing to commit again. Then you won't have to wonder every time she texts you.

[sdotcarter]

Llama,

 

Im in love with you because of what you post on this forums.

 

Tops advice every time,

 

s. carter

[rich46]

Well, like I said, send her an email letting her know that you'd only appreciate any contact if she is willing to commit again. Then you won't have to wonder every time she texts you.

I think I will eventually do this if she persists, but for now I think I will just ignore...if in doubt, do nothing!

[rich46]

Update:

 

I texted her earlier because she lives on the coast, and was at risk due to the tsunami. I figured it was more important in this instance. Anyway she replied and asked if I was ok, to which I told her I was fine despite having to get under the desks when the earthquake occurred.

 

Anyway, I was just speaking to my brother on skype when my mobile phone was going crazy. After finishing the call, I had 8 missed calls from her!! And two texts saying "I'm upset and tried to call you" and "did you see my calls??" - very very odd.

 

Any ideas? Seems like she is testing my resolve big time after my apparent slip (although i don't view it as a slip, as I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I'd not showed concern here).

 

Thanks for reading...

 

Rich