Getting back with my Ex

[clair2004]

i split with my b/f of 3 years, 3 weeks ago, he said it was time for him to move on, because he had not been totally happy for a couple of weeks(im not sure why he didnt talk to me about how he was feeling, ) after he moved out, i done all the normal begging stuff and told him that i would make him happy and stuff, but he said it was over and that he would not be nasty to me and we would remain friends..

 

later that week he came over to mine to pick the rest of his clothes up, and we ended up in bed together, he said he felt guilty as he didnt want to lead me on, but that never stoped him..

 

i was ringing him all the time at work, he then asked me not to because he was gettibng in trouble with the boss, so i started e-mailing him, but he never replied..thats when i found this site and thought that i needed to heal myself, because i was hurting so much, and i love him so much, so i thought i would start the n/c rule, and i have been doing that for just over a week (god it is so hard because i just want to talk to him all the time) ...

 

well last night the phone rang and it was him, so i thought that i would use all the stuff i have learnt of this site and see how it goes...so he asked how i was and i said i was fine (which is a total lie, as im hurting lots) he said that, that made him happy to hear, but also made him sad, he then told me that he misses me and that he loves me...

i told him that we can be good friends, and that i understand why he split up with me and i respect hes desision...well what im trying to say is that it was him that started crying down the phone and saying he missed me and loves me...i was being all strong.....so where do you think i should go from here, he wants to come over tonight and buy some drink and some dinner, just not sure how to act, i know we will prob end in bed, but do you think that is a bad idea?

 

any advice will be much appriciated...

thanks guys..

[rich46]

Hi,

 

The same kind of thing happened to me. The last time I spoke with my ex I was strong, I had changed from the crying, pleading idiot of the week before. This seemed to get to her, and like in your situation, SHE was the one who broke down and told me she missed me. I'm not sure if this is true though, maybe she just misses the habit of phoning me and being in a relationship. From that last phone call i told her that it was best for both of us if we do no contact for a while, especially as it was her who wanted space in the first place.

 

I would advise you NOT to end up in bed with him tonight. I seem to use this phrase a lot on here but he definitely CAN'T have his cake and eat it. He is playing with your feelings and you will be back to square one tomorrow. Show him that you are stronger than that, and that he can't use you as a doormat, and come round and expect sex but then go back to the "i want to move on" routine.

 

If he wants to move on, tell him it's for the best if you don't have any contact for a while. This will enable you to start healing (something thats never going to happen if you keep ending up in bed together), and it will enable him to "move on." That is the only way to go here. He may realise his mistake if you stick to your guns. Even if he doesnt you wont be in limbo anymore and you can start moving forwards in your life, instead of where you are now.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[clair2004]

thats what i thought would be the right thing to do, but why cant i stop thinking that maybe it could be wrong...i mean, if this is hes way of trying to get back with me(which i really hope it is) then by doing more of the n/c, wouldnt i just be pushing him away?

 

i know that we should not end up in bed together..and im really gonna try not to, but i cant help thinking that this might be hes way of getting back together, or maybe im just hoping!

 

he told me that hes boss is making some holiday time for him, as hes not been able to concentrate at work, so that means im on hes mind all the time..do you think he is regreting spliting up with me?

im worried that if i just be a friend to him he will feel that i dont want him as a b/f anymore and start to back off from me...

[rich46]

Sure he is obviously very confused right now, I know because the same kind of thing is happening with my ex. But he will remain confused if you continue sleeping with him. You need to talk to him about what he wants from you as all this is making you even more confused. But you should stress to him that you can't keep ending up in bed together as it does neither of you any good. If he wants to try again, then fine but take things slowly. If he is confused and doesnt know what he wants, then I think you should suggest having some time of no contact. That will give you both time to think. You can't keep going on like this, as each time you sleep together, it will make it 10 times harder if he decides he wants to "move on." Afterall he has already told you he wants to do this.

 

You are obviously still in denial mode, as I still am to an extent. You think sleeping with him might be a sign he wants to get back with you. I don't think so, |I think you'd be better served by talking about things. He is not treating you very well right now (maybe unintentionally) but you have to put your foot down and ask him where you stand. If he doesnt give you a definitive answer, then No Contact is your only option for now.

 

Rich

[sweetione]

I was in the same situation with my ex. We broke up but continued to get together 'dating' and then have sex. But it didn't help my situation. I would recommend not sleeping with him. Be strong and he will respect you. And want you even more. People want what they can't have. He broke up with you, let him get over his issues w/o you for awhile. I would still talk to him if he calls you but when he knows that he can't control you, he will want you even more.

 

I think that if you give him want he wants now, it won't help your future with him. It is best to look at the big picture.

 

Good luck.

[Ated]

Hey rich46!

 

I really like ur advice in this post. i also like the way u write!

 

U really know how to explain things well! Good job!

[rich46]

Thanks a lot Ated, you are very kind!

 

Rich

[clair2004]

thanks alot guys, i will talk to him tonight when he comes over...

i know your all right in what you say, ive just gotta stick to it, im just hoping it wont push him away, but i think your right, if its meant to be he will understand and things will be cool....

 

ill keep you updated on what happens, talk to you all 2morrow...

[rich46]

Hi clair2004,

 

So how did it go last night?

 

Rich

[clair2004]

hi all...

 

Well i was good and done nothing that i shouldnt have...i still got off him that he loves and misses me, but he never said anything about getting back together, so i was just being a friend to him, we started talking about things we have been up to, but when i mentioned to him about men that ive spoke to, and male friends of mine that want to take me out to cheer me up, he got really jealous, and was saying that i shouldnt go out with them, because it would be a rebound relationship....

I told him that he cant say that as we are not together, he just said "i know but its too soon to be seeing someone else"...

He said that he is really confussed and that he regrets not talking to me about the problems that he felt we had in our relationship....( so does he mean he regrets walking away like he did? )

 

he has been texting me all day with things like..what you up to? and how are you? and telling me everything that he was gonna be doing through out the day...

 

im still not sure about what hes game is or what he wants, or is thinking...

 

So where do you think i should go from here??

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Well your situation has quite a lot of similarities with mine, but I would say that you are at an advanced stage. I honestly believe that if you play it cool, there's a good chance that you guys could get back together.

 

I'm pleased you didn't end up in bed together. Just have patience...you can do all that stuff when he has sorted his feelings out!

 

I would just recommend playing it cool, it sounds like you did well last night. By letting him know that you have other male friends to comfort you, it definitely made him sit up and take notice. The result is that he started texting you today about general things...he obviously misses you!

 

This sounds like a classic example of backing off to give your ex some space, and now he seems to be doing the chasing. Good work if you ask me. And all this is just because you didn't break down and go to bed with him last night. He realises you are strong and that you have other alternatives...your life will continue even if he leaves.

 

Whatever you do though, don't take these positive signs for granted. Remain calm and try to get on with your life. Show him that you are strong enough to carry on without him, give him something to think about. He sounds pretty confused so give him plenty of space and DON'T end up in bed with him! If he decides he wants you back, and you feel the same, then I would say take it slowly and talk through the problems that existed in the latter stages of your relationship.

 

Good luck, you are doing well! I hope giving my ex some space and something to ponder on will have a similar effect!

 

Rich

[kate111]

Wow,

 

You are doing SO well.

 

Make sure you do not:

 

1. Call him.

2. Show any signs of being upset (yes really).

3. Don't act rejected, instead try to be happy.

4. Don't sleep with him.

 

Definitely go out with these male friends. This strateyg of your appears to be working already.

If he mentions going out with anyone, try not to show any signs of jealousy at all.

 

If he talks about the break up just agree with him and say "yeah things have been stagnating abit. Lets take a break" or something like that.

 

Try to keep busy. Keep your life happening. Do not let things break down because of him.

 

Hopefully he will be eating out of your hand soon.

[clair2004]

thanks guys..

 

it does sound good, but im still not totally convinced....He has not mentioned anything about giving it another go, but im ok because i know its early days...

ill keep you all informed, as he wants to come around again really soon...

 

you have all been great with your advice....

thanks..

[rich46]

He won't mention anything about giving it another go so soon, but the signs are there! Give him time and space and he the chances are he'll crack eventually. You said he wants to come round again real soon, but if I were you, I would let him know that you aren't available at the drop of a hat. Perhaps say something like "That would be great but I'm going out with a friend that night. What about the day after?" You know, keep him on his toes a bit! It seems like you have got all the power here, and make no mistake, you are in a promising position! Just play it cool, make it seem like you are coping really well without him, and let him do all the chasing!

 

Good luck! 8)

[clair2004]

he caught me on msn last night, and was asking me when he could come over and see me, i said i was not sure because i had plans to go out and wasn`t sure on what days i was doing stuff.. he said he wanted to come over tonight and i said he cant, he was all like, oh but i wanted to see you and, i bet your going out with him! (that is what he calls one of my friends that wants to take me out) . i told him that he had made the choise to leave me, so i can do what i want, then he said "yeah thats true, and that has not changed"

so, he has no thoughts about coming back to me at all..so not sure what to do from now on, do i still just be a friend and hope that the way he feels will just change?

i dont feel that it ever will, and the way i feel at the moment is that if he ever gets a g/f, i will not be able to see him, because i know it will hurt so much....

 

any advice on what to do next guys?

[clair2004]

any advice guys on what to do now, or just carry on being mates?

[k33]

So hard, Have you told him how you feel? I am a big believer in honesty, he might not know that you are still interested.

 

You might want to go back to NC for a while... but trust me I know it is super hard and crazy...

 

I would be friendly try not to sleep with him, but you know you are human and if you slip you slip.

 

I could never hang out with my whatever he is and a new girlfriend too, I understand completely...

[clair2004]

yeah he knows how i feel, thats why im trying to play it cool, to be there as a friend and for him to see im the same person he feel in love with...

He is being really kind and friendly and texts me all the time, and as i love still being part of hes life, theres always gonna be apart of me thats wants more than friendship,

 

he calls me hun and darling on the texts and puts kisses at the end..and that makes me think he might regret leaving me, but he is just a really emotional guy so maybe he does that to everyone...

 

i really dont know, what he is thinking, he tells me he trusts me with his life and that he thinks the world of me, but never says he wants me back.

Maybe its to early for that and im just trying to rush things, if its still like this in a couple of weeks, then i think i will have to do the N/C and see where it goes from there..

 

 

im getting on with my life, im going out and having fun, which is what i should be doing, and i know its making him jealous, but hes gonna have to live with that, but if he said to me that he wants me back then i would go and give it a try...

 

but for now, im gonna get on with my life, have fun, and be hes friend...thats all i can do!

[kate111]

You are doing so well Clair.

 

The idea is to project that you don't take the rejection personally and can be just as happy by yourself as with him.

 

Don't be too available. Be friendly but don't answer every text and make sure you are too busy to see him occasionally.

 

Make sure you date other boys while you have the chance. After all, he probably will come back soon and so you you want to make the most of this time of freedom.lol.

 

The important thing is for him to feel as if he is losing control of you. This will attract him back.

 

Also, don't worry about him thinking that you are not interested. If he wants you back then he will try to get you back no matter if you seem to have moved on or not.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[clair2004]

Well, things dont seem to be moving very far, hes still txting me and wanting to come over, but told me last night that he is busy next week so he is not sure when he will be able to come over, but said he would find the time, i text back and said that i was busy also so looks like it will have to be in a couple of weeks time, he then text back and said "surly you can make time one evening", so i said no i cant...so hes reply to that was, well im not starting work till 11.30 in the morning so i could pop round then and see you..i tried to make it sound that i wasnt that bothered, i told him that does he really want to get up early and lose hes lay in to come over here, i said i would be in but not bothered if he comes over or not...well he did come round about 9 this morning..

we sat chatting about general stuff(work and things) and we had a laugh, as we are both trying to keep things light...

 

 

well he came over with a couple of tops and when he left he left one here,so i stupidly said to him as a joke, hey do you think that by leaving clothes here everytime you leave that you will eventually have your wardrobe back here and you can slowly move back in (he already has some shorts and tops still here), he looked at me laughed and said,"no, i dont think so"...

 

i just dont think he is ever going to want to get back with me, i think he wants to be just friends, that is ok with me at the moment, but i know it wont be when he meets somone else!

[rich46]

Hi,

 

I know where you are coming from, that is the very reason why I can't be friends with my ex right now. I initiated the no contact nearly 2 weeks ago and it is really hard. I suppose it is easier for me in a way because we live quite far apart (100 miles) so she couldn't pop round like your ex does.

 

I think you need to be honest with him now and tell him that you can't carry on like this. It is driving you crazy all this analysing of his words and actions. I know it will be difficult, and I don't think he'll accept it straight away, but you should tell him you want some no contact time. He is having the best of both worlds here, and if he doesn't want to get back with you, you will hurt more in the long run.

 

In the week after my ex finished me and said she wanted us to be "best friends," we were still texting eachother everyday and she was phoning me when she finished work. It was like we had never split up, so she wasn't feeling the effect of not having me in her life, and I was being prevented from moving on and heeling. Plus I was reading too much into her text messages, although sometimes I think I was quite right to feel confused ("I've been thinking about you" "There's still hope for us" "I bet we do end up getting back together"). Why did she dump me then???

 

Over the last month I have found that it is IMPOSSIBLE to stay friends with your ex immediately after a break up. As this was my first love, I am yet to discover whether this No Contact malarky brings your ex back, but if it doesn't then it simply wasn't meant to be.

 

So my suggestion is to be open, tell him that you can't see him for a while. Surely he must understand this. If not then he is being very selfish. I think my ex understands it as she hasn't called since I told her that I didn't want to have any contact with her for a while (I know, it could be because she doesn't want to call me anyway! ). Seriously though, she is very confused and she says she needs her own space for a while, but I think she does understand that being best friends right now is not a feasible option. For her maybe, but definitely not for me.

 

I hope things go well for you, and that I have helped in some way. Your situation does have similarities to mine, so my advice is based on what I am doing at the minute. I'm not saying it is the right way, but I think it is a better option in the long run than staying friends.

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[clair2004]

thanks rich, i think you could be right, im gonna have to do that, but it scares the hell out of me, because i do want him to be part of my life..

but i know im not gonna get the healing that i need if it carries on this way..

i will talk to him next time i see him, and tell him how im feeling and that i need time alone..

 

god i so hopes it works..

 

As for you, i wish you all the luck in the world and hope it works out for you, you have helped my so much and im really grateful..

please stay in touch and let me know how things are going, and ill will stay here posting, keeping you all informed...

 

Good luck

[rich46]

thanks rich, i think you could be right, im gonna have to do that, but it scares the hell out of me, because i do want him to be part of my life..

but i know im not gonna get the healing that i need if it carries on this way..

i will talk to him next time i see him, and tell him how im feeling and that i need time alone..

 

god i so hopes it works..

 

As for you, i wish you all the luck in the world and hope it works out for you, you have helped my so much and im really grateful..

please stay in touch and let me know how things are going, and ill will stay here posting, keeping you all informed...

 

Good luck

It is incredibly difficult because in a way I want her to be my friend, but it just isn't possible. If I had some kind of psychic power and I could look into the future and see that she will never meet another man, then I could stay friends. But I know in my heart that she will meet someone and when that happens, I just couldn't handle it. Just the thought of it gets me upset, so if it actually happened...

 

Yes, keep posting on here with any updates or if you need some friendly advice. I'll let you know if anything happens in my situation too!

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[kate111]

Clare you are doing so well.

 

Your next move is to go out with a couple of other people.

 

Don't worry if he thinks you are moving on. If he has any feeling for you left he will be jealous.

[clair2004]

ok, heres an update, me, my ex and some of my family have had a really fun day today at a theme park..he stayed round mine last night because we had to leave at 6:30 this morning..

well we had loads of fun, as ive said before tho, i have tried to be only a friend to him, today at the park he was walking round holding my hand and putting his arm around my shoulders, and he told me he loved me, i said to him "what did you say" and he replyed "i said colourful" which if you mouth colourful it does look like your saying i love you, he really did say i love you but he is a big joker and always trying to make people laugh so he was messing with me...

then while queing for a ride he leant down and kissed me, my 12 year old niece looked at us and said "pack that in, thats dirty" i said to her "yeah you wait till you have a boyfriend, then let me tell you to stop" My ex said to me later in the day that he felt really awkward treating me like this in front of them, i asked why and he said "because im not your boyfriend".

 

On the way home in the car he was telling me that his little brother is really happy that he has moved back home and that hes worried that he is going to move out again...

Me and my exs family didnt get on at all, so i think that if he decided he wanted to get back with me, he would find it really hard to tell his parents, and he really dont want to upset his little brother..so i think that would hold him back...

 

also, i would like to know what you all think about the way he was with me today, did it mean anything to him?

it meant alot to me because it was nice to feel close, and have that attention from him...

Any idea guys on what he maybe thinking, im totally not knowing whats going on with him..