What the - is going on??

[Kjv1611ad]

I have been posting earlier in the past month about my 2 1/2 year relationship. Things have been rocky the past 6 months.

 

He has been pulling away. We got into a huge fight when he basically blew me off superbowl sunday. Since then we have been back and forth talking about our relationship over and over and over. I had "broken up" with him the monday after superbowl because I was so mad at him. Well, we went to dinner last thursday and I told him how I was feeling about everything, and about our breakup. I told him I broke up with him because he pushed me into a corner, and I didnt WANT to do it, I just needed more effort from him on his end or it would of never worked. This is not the first time I have said this to him. He doesnt agree that he was putting in no effort, so of course we go back and forth on this all the time.

I know this is a condensed version of the whole story....but the point is I left him a note friday morning saying that I loved him and that it was up to him if he wanted to make this work or not. He never responded, and I called him Friday night and I told him it was simple we could work through things if he put in effort too. He said it wasnt that simple, and that he needed a few days to think about things, I said ok. So we are officially broken up I assume at this point. I didnt call or text him at all.

He then sends me flowers on Valentines Day. I was thinking, this is great, he is putting in effort again. So I call to thank him. I said, they are beautiful, thanks so much, why did you send me flowers? He then says that it was because he was thinking of me and didnt want me to be sad on Valentines Day. But of course the conversation turned to us again, and I tried to tell him that if it was over then we need to just take some time apart so I can moveon, he was not happy and said I dont undertand why we have to quit talking to each other, and I told him lets just go get drinks tomorrow and not have a conversation about anything, lets just have fun. Told him I didnt want things to be on a bad note between us.

 

We did and had a good time. Of course the next morning I am upset because I feel he wants nothing todowith me anymore,andlike an idiot I start crying. I ask him if it is over between us, and he said "I never said that". He then said "we have done nothing but talk about the relationship over and over and I just dont want to talk about it anymore. We have been fighting and I just dont want to talk about anything. I said ok that is fine. He said he needed a few weeks to just think about what he wanted from me and I should do the same. He said he wasnt going to be dating anyone else and we are meeting up for dinner march 1st to talk.

This made me feel better of course, but when I went to get off the phone I told him I loved him and he acted kinda like he didnt want to say it back.

 

So of course I am respecting his need to think and using that time to think myself as well, about what I want from him, and move on with my life, since I seem to think that is where this is headed.

He toldme it would be best if we didnt see or talk to each other at all during this time. He has never said that to me before either. He really just doesnt want to be around me period. I take this as a REALLY REALLY bad thing. All because he sent me some freaking flowers and I messed up and took it was something it wasnt.

Girls, wouldnt you assume that if you got flowers? Maybe I am dumb.

 

Is he telling me this because he doesnt know how to tell me that he really is done?

 

This has never happened with us before.

 

I know what I need to do, I just want to know from another perspective, that has no emotions involved, if this is as bad as I think it is.

 

Because I dont want to hang on if he is just letting me down easy.

[teller]

If I were you I'd get the hell out of there for a while. Don't set any timeline. Just listen to yourself. Right now you're a doormat for this guy, and each day you're in this situation your self respect takes a hit.

 

Don't announce your plans to him, either. I was where you were right now in Nov-Dec. I probably didn't immerse myself in it quite like you did, but I was analyzing things to death. In December, I twice told her I wanted out. No contact. She said what your guy is saying to the word. I don't understand why we can't talk, etc. Now I probably shouldn't tell you this, but both times I did this she came back within 48 hours saying she wanted to try. Try is a relative term. Nonetheless, don't make any ultimatums. It's manipulative and for me it was my way of trying to get some semblance of control in the deal.

 

Right now they have it good. They can have their cake and eat it too. You're making it easier for him and harder on yourself. Don't hang around while he's confused. You'll start to like yourself less and less as you start to act increasingly more desperate.

 

In the last week, the lightbulb went off for me. No contact to get your head straight. It's going to suck for a while. Then it'll start to get easier. It'll begin to feel normal, and then you'll realize hey I have some control over this situation too. I know you love the guy and don't want to let go. Do it though. Let the dude go. You're doing it for yourself.

 

Ignore once. It'll take some self-control at first. Eventually it'll feel empowering. You can reach out when you're ready. I highly recommend seeing a counselor to organize your thoughts on a regular basis. All the advice for outside parties gets dizzying after a while. When you feel up to it, maybe go on a date or two. Do the gym thing.

 

Cancel the March meeting. We did this sort of thing, too. It only prolongs the healing process. Either just ignore it or make something up.

[Kjv1611ad]

We are in NC right now. You think I should cancel the march 1 date? So I should just move on completely and call it a day with this relationship, is that what you are saying?

[italiannmf24]

Don't contact him at all, even if he contacts you. He needs to know that your serious about getting back together with him.

[Daisy11]

Whoa, hold on. I compltely agree that you shouldn't contact him during these next three weeks and that even if he contacts you, that it's probably best to ignore him but I also don't think it is necessarily over between the two of you. My thought is that he is asking for these few weeks of NC to break the cycle you two are in with the constant up and down and discussing your relationship. You need a change to get out of that circle. He said himself that he isn't going to be dating anyone in the meantime, just that he wanted some time to think about things by himself. Has he given you any reason not to believe him?

 

If I were you, I would do the same. Take these two or three weeks to enjoy life without the drama for a little while. Just think, you aren't talking to him today, but that also means you aren't arguing or having to discuss the same issues about your relationship you've already had to discuss a number of times. Take these few weeks to focus on yourself and enjoy some time alone. Work out, see your girlfriends, think about your relationship a little as far as if you truly want to continue dating him or not, but don't analyze every little detail or you'll drive yourself nuts. The past is gone, you can change the future. I think he gave you flowers on V-day because yes, he does care about you, he was trying to be thoughtful, but that didn't mean the flowers were going to cure everything you've been going through.

 

Keep the March 1st date but go to it with an open mind. If he decides not to continue dating, then so be it, you'll move on, but don't give him a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance. Don't be his doormat forever, this is his chance, if he decides the relationship is not something he wants from you then I would suggest going total NC immediately. But who knows, maybe two weeks apart will make him realize he needs to make some changes and you will end up staying together. Just like you'll drive yourself nuts analyzing the past, you can also make yourself crazy analyzing the "what if's".

[Kjv1611ad]

I won't contact him at all. I feel really hurt and when he talks to me about it he was so cold. That's what hurts. He said he would tell me what he wanted from me but now I can't remember if we finalized the march 1 day or not? That kinda bugs me buy I shouldn't let it. Just wait for the day to come, and hope he misses me.

 

It could be worse I suppose. He kept saying "you broke up with me" he just doesn't get it.

[teller]

No, I'm not saying throw in the towel at all. Let it go for now. Detach. Try to build a life outside of this guy. When you step back, try to honestly (key word) assess what what you want. If you do end up working towards something make sure you don't make yourself as available as you have been. He needs to see that you're moving on without him. Force him to unconfuse himself by your actions not your words. The words etc just push them away. Do whatever you can not to mention the relationship to him moving forward.

 

As far as the March 1st date, I moved out of our apart at the end of October. At the time, we agreed to two weeks of no contact. All that happened was the two of were jonesing to see one another at the end of two weeks. You know you'll see him again. Just don't etch it in stone. If you feel yourself making progress in the no contact phase, but think contact with him might set back you progress go ahead and postpone the meeting. Two weeks really is no time at all.

[Kjv1611ad]

If he contacts me before I am to ignore him? I mean I suppose you are right, you ask for space, you get it......the things I want are: me being a part of his life. He didn't tell me anything anymore, never put me first, made his own plans and I could "come along" if I wanted to see him, he never initiated phone calls, he hasn't asked me to dinner in over a month, it's always me asking, but now I feel like it's party my fault he did those things because if I would of just pulled away maybe he would of initiated those things?

 

Important plans he'd wait until the last minute to tell me, then I couldn't go. Couples aren't supposed to be that way? It never used to be that way.

 

I have been pushy and demanding and I know he has really been hating that. He said, I know you want an answer right now but I can't give you one. That was when I asked him if he was willing to try? I guess he feels like e had been dong all of of those things, that's what he says.

 

I know I tend to take things too far sometimes but I hate feeling like I an being walked on.

 

When things like this happen, I wonder what the odds are of being able to work them out?

 

I will work on trying to detach and just enjoy the next two weeks. I am thinking I won't say much when we meet, let him do all the talking and see where it goes from there.

[teller]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. Break ups are incredibly stressful. He hasn't made it easy for you. Give yourself a break. Just think about how you want to do things differently. Sounds like you've thought a lot about things. It's going to take time. The more you starting watching the clock the more likely you'll say or do something to push him away. Try not to care so much. That's why I think you need more than two weeks. It takes time away to realize what the relationship needs.

[Kjv1611ad]

My pouts become obsolete if we start over.