Ask the Expert: Breaking up, Healing, Getting back together

[kamurj]

Hi Dave-

You are a romantic, and a gentleman at that. What a lucky lady she is to have you in her life.

 

Your story invoked images of "When Harry Met Sally". Friends for many years, other marriages, now one of you telling the other- I feel more.

 

Most likely she has a lot to think about regarding you and your talk and where to go next. The good news is that she really knows who you are and you have an easy communication between you already.

 

Try to relax and avoid that impulse to apologize for your feelings/behavior. She knows you have nothing to apologize for. Go to Six Flags and have a fun time. Leave an opening for her to discuss the two of you if this is what she wants to do.

 

When/if she is ready, she will let you know. If she needs to discuss it, she will do so. After 20 years, there is no need to rush.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[Trustworthy65]

Thanks to you, Scout, and a few others here, I have a really calm attitude about all of this..

 

The communication has always been really easy for us, you are correct in that assumption..

 

I will let you all know as soon as we have had a chance to talk and let you know what is happening..

 

Thanks..!!!

Dave

[kamurj]

Hi PoloGirl-

 

I didn't know whether to laugh or choke over "his" email. He certainly has a HIGH opinion of himself. Telling you you will never find anyone to treat you as well again (like him) was quite the insult. On the contrary, I think you will move on to a truly nice, unselfish guy after you have done some important learning with this one.

 

Figure out what attracted you to this guy. Then answer the question, Why was I attracted by this? Then think about what you really need and want.

 

Unless you want to be strung along by a narcissus, I suggest you keep the no contact rule in force.

 

Good luck,Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi EMMY-

 

People who say one thing and do another are:

 

a. confused

b. untruthful

c. gamers

d. all of the above.

 

Which do you think best applies to him?

 

When a relationship goes from hot to cold, it will leave a wake of confusion and hurt feelings. But the bottom line is not so much as "what happened" as, "what was never there in the first place". Also, when it's over, it's usually over. At the very least, it will never be the same.

He may regret this someday. But even if he does, it may not be for the "right" reasons.

You sound like a young woman with a good head on her shoulders. My advice, let go, move on.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi bubspsu-

 

Well, that certainly explains some of it.

Your ex has "stuff" of her own that will get in between she and anyone she is attempting to have a healthy relationship with. It does need to be addressed first.

 

What will happen to the two of you could go either way. She is getting help. She will learn more about herself, her needs and how to help herself. As she grows, she may be going in a different direction than she was with you. She may outgrow the need you fulfilled in her- or she may not. It's just too soon to tell.

 

Give her time and space. Applaud her efforts to help herself and get a handle on her depression. Then give yourself some needed time to reflect and figure out where to from here- whether she is in the picture or not.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi caveat-

 

I usually recommend to people that they ask themselves:

 

what do I really want?

What do I expect/hope for, from a meeting with her

What's the worst that can happen

what's the best possible outcome

 

You have done most of this. If you are prepared for and can handle the "worst," and this meeting is important to you and will be useful to you, either way-

 

Then go for it.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi jenspen-

 

Let me begin by saying that I don't have "a crystal ball", but instead rely on years of experience working with people on their relationship issues and problems.

 

From what you have shared, your ex wanted space. He came, went and came again, and still you two are apart. You even told him openly and honestly how you felt.

He is still maintaining his "space".

 

Unless he has a major change of heart, It appears over. Many relationships begin as yours did, but don't make it to commitment. I'ts not so much someone's fault as it is "not meant to be."

 

I hope this helps, Toni C.

[losinghope]

Hi Toni! I was wondering if you could enlighten me about Borderline Personality Disorder. I think my ex has it and the counselor said he had the signs. thanks in advance! An if he does have it, how could it affect us getting back together?

[kamurj]

Hi hunney Pooh-

 

Yours is an on-again, off- again relationship. This appears to have trust as a root cause. I suspect immaturity as well. Actually, neither of you may be ready for something that involves serious commitment.

 

Taking a break is great. think about what attracts you to him and what this relationship does for you. Then imagine being with him in ten years, 2o years- married with children. How will it be then? When you are at home or with the kids and he is out working or doing things without you. Will you trust him? You'll need to, as life will be very complicated.

 

No reason to rush. Forever is a long time. Take your time and be honest with yourself and him. See how he handles it. See if he thinks you and the relationship are worth some sacrifice and effort.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi Lost angel-

I tnink everyone reading your post could feel your pain.

 

This guy is your first love. You were what, nineteen? Seven years is a long time when people are a lot older than you are, but nineteen...?

 

You have barely had any adult life without him. He's all you have known. The comfort and intimacy have become a security for you. But, you fight and break-up, over and over.

 

You two have a problem. I'm not really sure what the issue(s) are, without knowing the two of you. But, there is a problem. Actually, your ex shows some maturity in that he can acknowledge there is a problem that does not seem solvable. He can recognize that even though he loves you, he fears you are wrong together. This really does take maturity.

 

Have you two discussed counselling? A professional could help you to identify what the problem (s) are and, if they can be worked with- teach you how to do this.

 

Otherwise, your ex is right on. You can love each other, but just not be able to get along. Find out. Get some outside help if he is willing. Or, you could talk to someone by yourself. This would still be useful.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi ForAnother-

The nice feedback I have gotten from folks like you has made this a very nice experience for me. It has taken a lot of time, but It is time that has been well used.

 

Today is my last day here in this role. I hope I was able to give at least something small to everyone who came to read and learn.

 

I will be finishing up a few questions later. If any of you folks out there want to learn more and continue your work on creating a healthy, lasting relationship, come to my site- link removed.

I have articles, quizzes, resources and a free monthly newsletter. My e-classes are a favorite and can help you with some of your toughest relationship issues. I also have individual and group help available.

 

Thank you for the opportunity to be here this week. I'll be offering a little more advice tonight and then I'll look forward to seeing you at link removed

 

THANKS!

 

Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi everyone,

At this time we will stop taking new questions for Toni. I am sure at this joined discussion was helpful not only for those who submitted questions but also for the rest of us. I want to extend my appreciation to Toni who despite her busy schedule of everyday counseling, preparing her articles, consum-mate.com 's ezine, writing her new book… accepted our request for help in doing a joined discussion and found the time to come here and volunteer to help eNotAlone members. This is not the first time Toni volunteered her time and professionalism for eNotalone and in fact is helping eNotalone from 2002 with our articles' section.

 

Please join me to thank Toni for always being there to help others in need of her advice and guidance and for all the advice she provided in the joined discussion.

 

Thank you Toni.

[mahlina]

Thank you Toni, for your generosity, time, and dedication. I will definitely take your advice, and also want to thank you again for sincerity and ability to empahtize with others. You deserve all of the best in your personal endeavors.

 

Sincerily,

Mahlina

[Michael2]

Even though I never posted a question on these boards.

 

I, as do many others, thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

You are a gem.

 

Thanks

[kamurj]

Hi didyoumissme-

 

I think friendships are friendships. We nurture them by showing we care, doing nice things for each other, being a shoulder to lean on during hard times and sharing the exciting and happy events of our lives.

 

Nothing lasts "forever". Even the best and closest friends can drift or lose touch for a time. Life happens. However, if you should develop distance, I think if you keep even a thread out there between you, either of you can follow it back to the other when life permits.

 

Is it possible you have developed "the friend crush"?

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi bizborow1-

 

Did you know that the majority of people in the world are introverts?

 

Shyness is something that everyone at least experiences from time to time, and some people live with all the time. I'm not sure where you fall in that group, but the best way for anyone to become comfortable with something that is scarey to them- is to throw themselves into the experience.

 

Going out with friends, having casual conversations with women you meet and come into contact with and even encounter in (ie) the supermarket, post office, book store- all will help you to develop more confidence and sharpen your social skills in this area.

 

Observe friends "in action" who are really good at this. What is it they do and say? Does this give you some ideas to try? Everyone does best with their own unique style. Honesty and sincerity are very charming and put women at ease.

 

So, get practice and gather ideas from others that you can try out as you go about your daily life.

 

Good luck, Toni C.

[kamurj]

Hi losinghope-

 

The Diagnostic Manuel of Mental Disorders is a resource book that we (mental health professionals) use that lists all types and classifications of what we call, mental disorders. Borderline personality disorder falls under the classification of (personality disorders), of which there are quite a few. There isn't a specific definition given. Instead, this label is derived from looking at symptoms and deciding if the person has the right type and amount of symptoms to fall under the diagnosis.

 

Most professionals are VERY CAREFUL in using such a label- I always have been. Symptoms can be confusing and there is some subjectivity involved. I say this because you really should be careful using such a powerful label about someone.

 

Because your ex is a male, the chance of him having borderline personality disorder is low. There is debate about this, but it's believed that 75% of people with this are female.

 

This disorder is characterized by a PATTERN of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and marked impulsivity (very impulsive) that

begins by early childhood and is present in all areas of their life. There is a strong fear of abandonment. Even something as simple as a change of plans can cause anger and irrational fear of losing the other person.

 

There are other related symptoms. But, again, the thing to remember is that a disorder such as this has a profound affect on a person's ability to function normally, and that everyone has features of all personality disorders- we just have little bits and pieces that don't add up to a true personality disorder.

 

Anyone who truly has this, will find it nearly impossible to have normal, healthy relationships without a lot of professional help and intervention.

Hope this answers it for you,

Toni C.