Please Please help me here....

[GeminiGirl]

OMG this has got so complicated i dont know what i'm doing anymore. I will explain my situation, please bear with me as its a long story......

 

I am a 31 year old married woman. I met my husband when i was 16 and we've been together now for 15 years and married for nearly 3. We do not have any children. These last couple of years i've been getting unhappy about us and just life in general, but i just put up with it and got on with things. A couple of years ago my husband starting to play a specific online game, through that he met some friends, one in particular he got very friendly with, he talked to him on MSN and chatted in real time on something called Team Speak, this requires a HeadSet and its just like chatting to someone on the phone only better because you do not get any time delay. Anyway.. i installed this game on my own PC and started to play it also, i met my own set of friends online and started chatting on MSN also. This particular guy my husband got friendly with decided to add me to his MSN and we started chatting regular, i considered him a really good friend. My husbands friend decided to invite us over the the States to stay with him for a 2 week holiday, which we've just come back from. When i first met him i didnt think anything other than he's just a friend, but then a couple of days later i just happened to glance at him and suddenly WHAM it was like a lightning bolt hit me, i couldnt take my eyes off him the whole holiday and the same with him, just to be near him i shook from head to toe. I've never felt like this with any other man before. When we got home i stupidly emailed our friend and told him how i felt. Why i did this i dont know? Several days later when i was at work he messaged me and confessed his feelings to. We then started this MSN affair (if thats what it is) behind my husbands back, this guy wanted me to leave jason and go stay with him in the States. A week later my husband found out about this, i told him i didnt love him anymore and that i was planning to leave him for our friend. My husband is devistated that i could do something like this and he thought we were happy and told me how much he loves me and how how we can work through this.. blah blah blah.... Somehow my husband talked me out of it and told me never to have any contact with this guy again!! 3 days later i messaged this guy to see if he was alright and somehow its started up again! its now been a week, i talk to him every single morning on MSN and we email each other all day long. My husband has no idea its started again. This guy is now getting very serious and is pressuring me go out there and live with him. I do not love my husband anymore, only as a friend. I cannot stand him to come near me, it makes me feel physically sick. I find myself avoiding him at all times. He's trying so hard to make me happy and trying to start to make us work again.

I dont know what i'm doing anymore, i feel like i'm being pulled in a million directions with no clue where i'm going. My husband wants us to emigrate to Canada and start a family. Everytime i try to invision my life with him i just see blank, nothingness. 3/4 of me wants to start a new life in america with this guy and a 1/4 of me wants to stay with my husband. I am terrified of being alone and of life without my husband because he's all i've ever known since i was 16. A new life also excites me because i feel i've missed out on so much. I cannot see myself ever loving my husband in that way again! I also dont think i can stand the pain of hurting my husband, and i know i will.

I cannot deal with any of this anymore and i'm going insane.

 

I need someone to just take all of this away from me, i find myself wishing my husband wasnt around so i could be free to just up and go.

 

This is on my mind 24/7 right now, i cant eat, sleep, all i do is drink tea and smoke cigarettes and contemplate what the hell i'm gonna do.

 

Please no one hate me for doing this?

I need so much help and advice right now, but i know in the end the only one that can decide is me!

[CherryGrl]

I don't hate you for what you're doing, I'll leave that to your husband. But I think you're very confused and are about to make a decision that you might really regret later. You've been with your husband since you were 16 and things have gotten a bit stale. So you're thinking of leaving your husband for a guy you barely know? I wouldn't do that.

 

I think you need to work on your marriage. To do that you need to cut off all contact with this guy. Maybe it makes you physically sick to be with your husband right now because you're feeling guilty for what you are doing. Or, hey, maybe you just don't love your husband anymore and never will feel that kind of love for him again. After so many years, I think you owe it to both of you to find out if your marriage is really dead, or just dormant.

 

You say that for the last couple of years you've been getting unhappy about the marriage and life in general, but you've just put up with it. So don't put up with it anymore. Shake things up and make some decisions, but don't make those decisions based on what is happening with some guy you've had a crush on for a couple of weeks.

[evepm]

Dear GeminiGirl:

 

I know that it feels like total turmoil and insanity in your life right now. I don't think that anyone in this forum passes judgment so in regard to "please don't hate me", you need to not hate yourself. Everyone has done something at some point in their life that they are not proud of.

 

My thoughts about this whole situation is that since you have been with your husband from the time you were 16, you've missed out on alot of life. Your whole idea of life is based upon being with someone. Where have you experienced life on your own? You say that you don't love your husband anymore and that's understandable because people grow up and change. You running from your husband for freedom, but how much freedom is there in another man's arms? If anything you need to strike out on your own and experience life by yourself. No man just you. I know that it's a scary proposition.

 

A good way for you to clear your head about your situation is to take time for yourself by yourself. I hope that I helped. I wish the very best for you.

 

Take Care,

evepm

[dpressedone89]

well first off i dont think anyone would hate you for this. ok well you've been with your husband for a long time and you shouldnt throw that away but do not stay with him if you dont love him anymore it isnt fair to you or him.

[King_of_crunkness]

if i was in your husbands situation this is what would happen to me... i would be VERY upset, almost suicidal due to the quick events that are taken place, i just hope your husband is strong and ready to move on with HIS life with someone cause supposidly he doesnt diserve you, i kinda get upset just thinking of a woman doing that to me, (which has happened) i just wish you luck and hope you get some counseling, if your not happy with your husband either work it out or get lost! cause he surely doesnt diserve that

[birdgirl]

I fell in love with someone over the Internet. We spent ten days together and moved in together. He moved 800 miles to be with me. I ended up with a broken heart because he was nothing like he seemed once we were in person. My friend did the EXACT same thing (the guy moved to be with her, they moved in together) and it also ended disasterously.

 

I would think really, really hard because if you get out there and he's nothing like he seemed, you'll be heartbroken and will have hurt your husband.

 

I'm telling you. My ex seemed like the man of my dreams. Little did I know that he'd roll his eyes at everything I said once we were in person. If I could have seen his body language over the Internet, I'd have known... and he lied so much. It's so easy to lie over the Internet.

 

I'm not saying it could never work. But I'd think long and hard, and try to remember what you loved about your husband.

[GeminiGirl]

Hey, thanks for all your replies.

 

I still havent decided what i'm doing yet. For those of you that have been crapped on in life by your partner, i know that it seems very wrong and you have every right to be angry etc... but stop to think about how the person thats doing this is feeling. I'll tell you.... i am digusted with myself, how could this have happened to me. I hate myself right now for what i'm doing to my husband but i cannot help how i feel about this guy. I have known him for nearly a year and a half, i chatted with him at least 4 times a week, its not like i dont know him and i've even met him now, i know it was only for 2 weeks but....

I did not plan for this to happen at all, it just did. Something just suddenly clicked between us and its more than just lust, desire... i trust my feelings on this one. But it still doesnt change what i'm doing to my husband, i cannot even look in the mirror at myself anymore because of the guilt.

I never said my husband did anything to deserve this, he hasnt and thats what makes it so hard! I wish he had done something, then at least i would have reason for not wanting him anymore.

 

Unless you've done something like this then you have no idea what the hell it is like.

 

I just want to be a little girl again where i dont have to deal with the crap that life chucks at you all the time.

 

Thank you for your replys.

[aguilela]

well..i think this is a really hard situation that you have now..i am so sorry that you have such a hard time...i think you are so frustrated now u know that makes your problem even bigger..so here is what you do ...(well i am not sure but if i were you i would do this )go to trip alone..don't contact neither your husband nor THE guy...take three to five-if you go too long that makes it worse...- just go somewhere where you feel comfortable..ok?..and..try not to think first day..just take a look and look around other people's life...everybody has a hard time..u know..don't just focus on this problem..when you stay in this problem you never gonna know..you have to step out side and look at you..and your problem..imagine you leave your husband.second day or third day..and also imagine you leave this guy...and then keep that feeling 2 or 3 days...

when you have your own time...it makes you much easier to think about u know...however...try to work out your marrige life..i don't force you..you know..just...i mean think about it..your husband..he also been with you for a long time but he still loves you..i think many woman they are worry about their hunband behavior and love faith...stuff..but..your husband is trying to work out this marrige...he is the person who is really sad now...u know..sorry if i make you sad but..i just want you to think about that point as well u know..so..take your time..and think about it ..and if you like my way to imagine the situation..try to do it...cuz..i did..before...it was helpful...so ...good luck...ok?,,and take care of your health as well..eat something!!!and cheer up

[Mermaid]

You've been with your husband a long time. As someone else already said, you owe it to him to try and work things out before you give up on your marriage--especially for someone you hardly know.

 

Besides, it seems clear to me that this new man is just a means to an end. Your feelings for him--which came on so suddenly--are most likely just a result of your subconscious viewing him as a way out. But please don't delude yourself. It's not this man you're running to, it's your life that you're running from.