My dad criticizes my boyfriend

[orangecounty]

Hey guys,

 

The title says it all. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. He's always been respectful towards my parents and friendly. We did break up for a very short time a year and a half ago (not over anything serious, we were just moving too fast) So I'm not sure if it's related to that or not but I feel like my dad has gotten increasingly critical when it comes to my boyfriend. He at times will give my sister's husband a hard time too. I'm just starting to get really tired of it and my boyfriend is wanting to visit at my dad's less and less. He pretends that he's "joking" around but the things he says at times are still hurtful. How should I approach the conversation with my dad?

[annie24]

maybe you should have a talk with your dad - tell him that this is your bf, you are serious about him and to please treat him with more respect than he is.

 

alternatively, your dad can be doing this to get attention. your bf can just not listen when your dad goes spouting off.

[Positive_Anonymous]

Tell your Dad to mind his own business when it concerns you boyfriend. However continue to have the same relationship with your Dad.

[lvrnftr11]

Your life! Dad is the one being childish. Doesn't he trust your decision making? If! the bf turns out to be a mistake, at least it is your mistake, and you will have learned from it. That is life and living! Your dad can not live it for you. If your close with your dad, have a heart to heart. I hope you realize he is human and imperfect just like the rest of us. I have three wonderful daughters that I would do anything for!!! But they are strong women and I trust the values we raised them with. But it is up to them to make choices whether I agree with them or not. I will always love them! His way of saying that he loves you! (his language of love) might be showing that he doesn't want you hurt by anyone. He can not always be there for you, and learning is living!

[orangecounty]

Ivrnftr11, I totally understand where you're coming from. And I'm sure part of him is trying to protect me but in the end it's just hurting ME more than anything. And I don't think it's just that, I think deep down my dad has a lot of insecurities. I am a smart girl, not perfect, I've made mistakes too but I feel like my relationship is in a good place, I'm with a good person and there's no reason for him to be acting like this.

[annie24]

my mom is like this too - she is highly critical, and like you said, its based in her insecurities. i think you should have a heart to heart with your dad. tell him that you love him and understand that he wants only the best for you, but that his criticisms are not the right thing, that you are an adult, as is your bf and you have to live your lives in your own way. if he refuses to accept that, you might need to start detaching from him.

[bulletproof]

What are his criticisms?

[In the Dark]

This is what happens when parents become protective of their children.

 

Were you really hurt during the "break"?

Did you want the "break"?

 

When parents see their child hurting from another, they do indeed not like the person who hurt them.

Watching you hurt, hurts your parents too, regardless of what you say to place his name in the good books.

 

Some parents just can not let you learn your own lesson if it does become just that.

Highly frustrating for you as you want to make this work, but right from the start their actions sabotage any chances of it.

 

I have been in your situation.

 

The only suggestion I can think of, is to keep your BF AWAY from your parents.

I assume you are not living at home, because they are going to continue to be nasty in manner unless he pulls the rabbit out of the hat so to speak.

 

This is not going top be a failure as long as your BF does not give up because you parents and whoever are against him for whatever.

[abitbroken]

Well...for some dads, no man is good enough for "their little girl." He might just be worried about you.

 

But to be honest, we only know that you perceive your dad to be criticizing your boyfriend. What exactly does he say?

Are you sure you aren't being extra sensitive or are you sure your boyfriend isn't offending them? It could be that something

about him just makes your dad wary. But if he criticizes your BIL

to let it roll off your back or not hang around dad. But not hanging around dad will make him think BF isolates you.

 

This is what happens when parents become protective of their children.

 

Were you really hurt during the "break"?

Did you want the "break"?

 

When parents see their child hurting from another, they do indeed not like the person who hurt them.

Watching you hurt, hurts your parents too, regardless of what you say to place his name in the good books.

 

Some parents just can not let you learn your own lesson if it does become just that.

Highly frustrating for you as you want to make this work, but right from the start their actions sabotage any chances of it.

 

I mostly agree. But I don't think it is about not wanting you to learn your lesson. If you broke it off or this young man hurt you at one time, they are going to be protective.

[In the Dark]

^ ^ Indeed if you were hurt.

You are their biological offspring.

So they are going to be all GRRRR!!

To this person if what you have interpreted to them as he being the one who hurt you.

 

Some parents just let things go, which in a way I personally think is good but on the other end of the spectrum can have the child harbor negative thoughts towards the lack of participation and letting them hurt.

 

Catch 22 for the parents if the mindset is this way for the child/offspring.

[orangecounty]

Yes, I was very upset when we broke up (he broke up with me) and my dad just happened to stop by right when it happened. So that may be where this is stemming from. What bothers me the most is he'll make comments about his weight. The other day we were talking about going to the gym but both of our memberships have lapsed and we would like to go back and my dad made some sort of comment to the affect of having let it lapse for a looooong time, as in, you've gained quite a bit of weight, this was directed at my boyfriend, not me. There usually are things that are not my dad's business and that he should really not bring up. My mom, my stepmom and my stepdad have all been SO great, respect that I'm an adult and that I'm making my own decisions and are smart enough to make my own decisions, so they all treat him very kindly. Even before the breakup, my dad was already sizing him up and wanting to put him down. But like you all mentioned, I really need to talk to him, I don't want this going on any longer. I don't think I'm being overly sensitive, somethings he says just aren't right. I think my sister and myself have an easier time "letting it roll off our backs" as we know my dad can be insecure and say insensitive things at times but my boyfriend who's not his son, doesn't quite feel the same way and I respect that.

[orangecounty]

One thing I wanted to add is that my dad suffers from anxiety and feels the need to be in control all the time. He wants us to act a certain way, come over so many times a month etc... and when that doesn't happen (and it doesn't) I think he has a hard time feeling like he's not in control of my life.

[In the Dark]

You're Daddy's little girl and hurt when yo hurt.

Your BF hurt you and he doesn't like it.

 

So what he is doing now is devaluing him in front of you in what ways he can in hopes of you eventually doing the same, whilst making him feel uncomfortable in his presence so your BF may finally call it off because it is too much pressure.

 

Whether your Father will let things be is questionable.

 

Talk to him, but it maybe tougher to get through to him to stop his behavior towards the boy who hurt is little girl.

[Tanzi]

One thing I wanted to add is that my dad suffers from anxiety and feels the need to be in control all the time. He wants us to act a certain way, come over so many times a month etc... and when that doesn't happen (and it doesn't) I think he has a hard time feeling like he's not in control of my life.

 

Well this seems to be giving some indication as to why your father behaves the way he does. Perhaps if you havent done something in a certain way or haven't come over as often as he would like he feels he has lost that control. Perhaps he feels that your boyfriend has got that control instead and blames him for the whatever does or does not happen in his life now as regarding you and for taking that control away from him.

 

Whatever way your dad is looking at it he seems to be holding some kind of resentment towards you boyfriend. You really need to talk to him and tell him that the things that he is saying are damaging and the last thing you want is for your relationship with your dad to end up suffering. He has to accept that this is your boyfriend and he should treat him with the respect he deserves as he himself would expect to be treated.

 

Have you tried talking to your stepmom about it? How does your sister feel about you talking to your dad about it?

[orangecounty]

Very good observations! I do feel like he's resentful towards my boyfriend. The thing is, we've both moved past that, are stronger and have a really good relationship. We both grew a great deal and in the end that small break was really for the best. A-little-blue, I suffer from anxiety as well but went through a 16 week program which really helped me! Not only that, but my boyfriend has been a big help in helping me put the tools into action. I've become more assertive and I think you're completely right, he thinks my boyfriend has that control now. Even when I started becoming more assertive, I'm sure he thought this was coming from my boyfriend, when in fact this was something I wanted for myself.

 

I haven't spoken to my stepmom, we're not very close but she has always been very nice and respectful towards him. I think it's best to talk to my dad directly and let him know how I feel.

[Tanzi]

. The thing is, we've both moved past that, are stronger and have a really good relationship. We both grew a great deal and in the end that small break was really for the best. A-little-blue, I suffer from anxiety as well but went through a 16 week program which really helped me! Not only that, but my boyfriend has been a big help in helping me put the tools into action. I've become more assertive and I think you're completely right, he thinks my boyfriend has that control now. Even when I started becoming more assertive, I'm sure he thought this was coming from my boyfriend, when in fact this was something I wanted for myself.

 

Perhaps you should tell your dad this (in bold) in case it does have something to do with the split.

 

Has your dad ever sought help with his anxiety? If it helped you it could help your dad. He might understand more where you are coming from too.

[orangecounty]

Ironically, he's the one that bought the program and had completed the program. It only helps you as much as you want to be helped. Good point about bringing that part up. And to be fair, it's not like I often talk to my dad about my relationship, so he may not be aware as to how I feel.

[abitbroken]

I think that if your dad gets anxious if you don't see him x amount a month, try to see him x amount a month if the x amount is a reasonable number. He could be thinking your bf is keeping you from him if not. Also, be reassuring. If you can't come, ahead of time say "dad, I am not going to be able to come next weekend because I have a concert/studying for a test, so this weekend we're going to spend a little extra time. So, we have plenty of time to take you to a movie/go fishing, whaddya say?" I am not saying to enable him, but it may have him relax about your boyfriend and he may feel more in control if you give him choices and make him think he is in control. "We can come see you for an hour this weekend and next, or we can stay all day next weekend. What would you rather do?" It might not take much effort to keep him in the loop. OR tell him "this month, we are coming on the 1st and the 20th. We look forward to seeing you."