Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 My ex of 3,5 years (LDR) left me for another girl, last year in August. (We were our first serious relationships and the relationship was a good one, just the distance was our main problem ) Since the break- up, he litteraly disappeared out of my life and hasn't reached out for me even once... does it mean, he is completely over me and has "forgotten" about me?? Or is it his way to cope? Or has he moved on completely and is so occupied and in love with his new gf (fiancee)? I'm just asking, since I read several posts here on ENA, where dumpers have reached out for the dumpees after month, although they have someone new... It's just hard for me to assume, he doesn't care about me at all anymore, as if all the years we spent together mean absolutely nothing to him anymore... I know, there is nothing really he could say to make me feel better in any way, but still, at least I would know, he still thinks of me and may miss me and leaving me isn't as easy for him, as it seems... but I guess, he just doesn't want to send any mixed signals and indeed being without me is not that bad for him... What are your opinions on this?? THANKS!! Link to comment
rbsx Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I hate to be the guy that comes out and says it, but you are a memory, and probably thinks about you that way. Not something he thinks about currently though. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 6 months, you should have been moving on a long time before then. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but my ex left me 2 months ago and i found sitting around waiting for them is ridiculous....i don't know if it was for another guy i haven't heard anything BUT if it was, I would NEVER EVER EVER EVER go back to her mother of my child or not.......time to pick yourself up and dust yourself down, have a smile and remember there's someone else waiting for you. Move on, seriously, it hurts but forget him now. Link to comment
jt214 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I really don't think you're just a memory. You guys were each other's first serious relationship. There's no way he's completely forgotten about you, especially after 3.5 years. From a guy's perspective, even if he is happy with his new girlfriend, he is most likely afraid to contact you because it will bring all of the feelings that he had for you right back. Like you said, the relationship was good and the main problem was distance. Don't think he's forgotten about you, no one forgets about something that once made them happy Link to comment
Drake7 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Not knowing what a dumper is feeling sucks big time but theres not much that can be done. I feel the same way, I was with my ex for 4 years and the way she acts now(Despite the NC) makes me feel like I was nothing to her. The last thing my ex said to me was that she would talk to me still, to let me know she was ok and doing well mentally, and maybe even talk more into the split up. The way she worded it made it sound like it would happen soon. We ended the call like we usually do after a light argument, wish I never hung up >_<. she also made it sound like was miserable and wanting to say single do self searching.> Dumpers indeed left us, not so much different from a boss firing a hard working employee. If the ex cares for you they will try to lighten the blow at any cost to try to protect you. They will fabricate feelings to justify the break and to make it feel like it had to end for both people to benefit. My ex probably lied the entire conversation on the phone to keep me from completely snapping. I want to believe her words badly but I know she wont be back and it was probably lies and false promises to get me to hang up. I think this because.. In reality I sent a very VERY nice email which made her send her mother after me.(Her mother is pure evil.) Barely three days later her facebook was filled with pictures of her partying with people I sure haven't seen before. Extremely friendly contact to friends, and mutual friends deleting me off facebook.(Facebook is horrible during break ups.) She never did delete me from her friends list but I decided to delete her from mine, no point watching her status updates in pain while she ignores my messages. I sure hope she realizes that. I have no way of knowing what any of it really means, knowing the signs helps but also hurts. I refuse to believe 4 wonderful years meant nothing to her. Constantly contacting a dumper makes it worse, asking a friend to, makes it worse, and doing nothing makes you feel hopeless. Not much can be done, maybe he is try to cope no one knows but him. Take your mind off it the best you can, thats what I have been doing. 6 months is a life time to bottle up these kinds of feelings. I was pulling my hair out after a few days of it. The presence of a new GF is usually the killing blow, I can only assume he still thinks about you but his feelings are most likely with this new woman. Constantly thinking about what a dumper is feeling is horribly painful because there is no straight answer but to move on. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 Thanks for your opinions so far! Jonesyjakk, I have accepted that it's over and I'm moving on as good as I can. It's just that since I haven't felt a love as deep as this for any other guy in my life before, even though I know it's over and I can't change the fact that he is gone and is happy with someone else now, I can't switch off my feelings for him, although, I wished I could, believe me...anyways, i think everybody needs their own time and pace to get over someone, for some it may take a month, for others 2 or more... and I'm one of the slower ones, I guess... I don't sit around and dwell in the past all day long anymore though, that was months ago, still, I have my weak moments, where thoughts of him pop up in my mind and I'm just sad that it's over, all a distant memory...but you are right, I need to move on... jt214, thanks for your nice post! This is what I like to believe and deep down inside of me, I know, I'm not just a number on his list, so there is no way, he has completely forgotten about me already, not sure, if he'll ever do, even in time... but of course, I must admit, I don't think, I'm on his mind all the time either...maybe once in a while little things, songs, etc. remind him of me...I just don't like the thought, to be forgotten by someone to whom you used to be the one, someone special for several years... in my eyes, what we had was very special... It's just the way he behaves, seems to speak another language, though... probably, what matters is, what I believe, since I won't find out what truly goes on in his mind.... Thanks! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I'm sorry you are going through this! Indeed, it just sucks we have no idea, what goes on in their minds, and what sucks even more, we will never find out anyways... I still find it weird that once you were so close, you shared everything with the other person, you were each others most important persons in each others lives for all those years and after the break up, well nothing, no real connection anymore, except your common past, your are complete strangers now... I feel exactly like you, refusing to believe all those great years together are meaningless for him now...but who know, each and every person is different! Some move on faster than others... and of course NC makes it easier for them to cope as well, to move on and make the best out of their decision... guess, there is no way, we can understand our ex's behaviour after the break up...probably they do, what feels right for them...they know, they hurt us and just disappearing might be their way of coping with the guilt they feel about having broken someone else's heart... who knows? It helps me to know, I'm not the only one feeling like this! Thanks for your post!! You are right, we need to move on that is all we can do... Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 According to Steve Santagati's book "the manual", a rule of thumb is for every 3 months you put into a relationship, you need 1 month to recuperate if you break up. So you do the math. Hang in there. It sucks to be dumped. Its difficult to be dumped after being in a relationship for 3 years. But the knowledge of truth will set you free. The truth is that he (at least for now) wants to be with someone else. Give him that space, liberty. Take care of yourself. You have only yourself to fall back on. Now you have learned that people can get up and leave you behind and that you really can't rely on anyone completely. Its a sad feeling, but you will be okay. Time is a great healer. Not trying to preach, but I've been through a rough relationship for 3 years that abruptly came to an end and I was left on my own to pick myself up. And don't become bitter. Sometimes people don't understand themselves either. They just do the best they can. Link to comment
DooWop Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 It helps me to know, I'm not the only one feeling like this! Thanks for your post!! You are right, we need to move on that is all we can do... You are definitely not alone. I have been thinking what my ex thinks of our relationship since breakup. Although we are not together any more, I hope what I left in his life is something positive. We are in NC for about one month and looks like he's seeing somebody now. However I never really stopped thinking of our relationship. It's hard for me to accept the idea that it means nothing to him because it means so much to me. Sometimes I tried to convince myself that he's just too proud to talk to me... lol Link to comment
Aether Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 You are definitely not alone. I have been thinking what my ex thinks of our relationship since breakup. Although we are not together any more, I hope what I left in his life is something positive. We are in NC for about one month and looks like he's seeing somebody now. However I never really stopped thinking of our relationship. It's hard for me to accept the idea that it means nothing to him because it means so much to me. Sometimes I tried to convince myself that he's just too proud to talk to me... lol I am also doing this! Either that or he is respecting our need to heal so staying away for both of us, this is what I like to think... There is no other woman as far as I know, he's not that type to jump from one to the other.. Link to comment
Slagar Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Regarding moving on, don't beat yourself up over it. A few years back I found an incredible flame, and it took me 2 years before I felt ready to even contemplate dating again. It affects each of us differently, in each relationship we have. I think these days I've learned to deal with it much quicker, but that doesn't mean you should rush yourself. It takes as long as it takes, and 3.5 years is no small chunk of time to share with someone in your life! Remember it, and be thankful that you had it - even though it may gone now, the beautiful memories that you shared together, you will take with you, always Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I am also doing this! Either that or he is respecting our need to heal so staying away for both of us, this is what I like to think... There is no other woman as far as I know, he's not that type to jump from one to the other.. Aether, exactly this is what I thought about my ex, too! I was so sure, after 3,5 years together with my ex, that I knew him so well, and I never ever expected he would be capable of jumping from one relationship to the next, actually overlapping 2 relationships (and it seems SO easy for him)... probably all that makes moving on for me so hard... him showing sides of his character post break up that I never dreamed of in my whole life, it's just "shocking", to see him behave so very differently, like a totally different person from the one I shared years of my life with... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 Thanks so much for your wise words! You are right, I need to accept the situation for what it is, he wants his liberty and tries to find his happiness...he doesn't intentionally want to hurt me, but do what he finds right for himself, what makes him happy...we are not a "unit" anymore and he is doing his best to live "his" life...and I need to focuse on mine...although it's hard, to pretend he was never part of my life...but this is how it feels, like a distant dream, somehow as if it all wasn't even real...just a sweet, distant memory... It is so true, I've learned that even though I fully trust someone, I can't rely on anybody 100%, there is no guarantee for anything in life... it can be perfect one minute and the next it can be all over already, without you really knowing what is going on... I suppose, my ex didn't know any better, he did what he thought was best for him... Thanks for your sharing, tinu! P.S: Maybe I'll get that book, too!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 Regarding moving on, don't beat yourself up over it. A few years back I found an incredible flame, and it took me 2 years before I felt ready to even contemplate dating again. It affects each of us differently, in each relationship we have. I think these days I've learned to deal with it much quicker, but that doesn't mean you should rush yourself. It takes as long as it takes, and 3.5 years is no small chunk of time to share with someone in your life! Remember it, and be thankful that you had it - even though it may gone now, the beautiful memories that you shared together, you will take with you, always Thanks for your nice words Slagar!! You are right, I shouldn't beat myself up, it takes as long as it takes...sometimes I'm just impatient with myself, wanting badly to be finally over it and my friends and family are no real support anymore... they find it's time for me to finally be over him, since the break up is 6 months ago already... I know, I shouldn't listen to them, but it's hard sometimes... why do I still care so much about him??? While he doesn't seem to care about me anymore... But, yes, the memories we shared will always stay in my heart, I'll never forgot what we once had Thanks!! Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 You are definitely not alone. I have been thinking what my ex thinks of our relationship since breakup. Although we are not together any more, I hope what I left in his life is something positive. We are in NC for about one month and looks like he's seeing somebody now. However I never really stopped thinking of our relationship. It's hard for me to accept the idea that it means nothing to him because it means so much to me. Sometimes I tried to convince myself that he's just too proud to talk to me... lol It's so good to know, I'm not the only one with these thoughts and questions in my mind! I do hope the same, that I left a positive impression that will last forever...I think, we are the only ones, who can truly answer these question, and if we listen to our heart, we will find the answers, since know one else knows our relationship with our ex's better...maybe it's true and they are too proud to talk to us... no one really knows! I hope, one day, I won't ask myself these things anymore... and I'll find peace within me... All the best for you! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I think when you start ruminating about these kinds of things, it is best to stop and ask yoursel, what do i need for ME to put this behind me and quit obsessing about someone long gone. You keep him 'alive' in your mind by thinking about this kinds of things, and the reality is he is no longer in your life and you need to try to align your thoughts with that reality so that you don't extend your pain and prolong your time alone because you are looking back rather than forward. Of course he remembers you and of course he will have fond memories and wonder about you now and again, but that doesn't change anything at all in YOUR life becuase he has someone new and is planning on marrying her and not you. He is living in the present and looking towards his future with this new woman, while you are looking towards the past and desparately hoping there is still a connection between you, even if it is only memories. That just isn't healthy for you, and you need ot fight really hard to start fililing your mind and life with NEW things and people rather than carrying the torch for someone who is long gone. One of the best ways to do this is thought stopping... google it. It helps you start aligning the reality of your present with your thoughts, such that you quit devoting mental resources to keep him alive in your thoughts as if he were still a large part of your life (which he just isn't anymore). It doesn't pay to romanticize an ex and constantly dredge up these memories since he is about to be someone else's husband. That's a hard pill to swallow,but the truth, and the sooner you get control of your thoughts of him, the sooner you'll be able to be emotionally available to find a real love rather than living on memories. Link to comment
hulk7280 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 your asking yourself questions you cant ever know the answer too.. and that is a terrible thing to do when your trying to get over someone.. stop questioning things, control the things that you can control and let go.. Link to comment
MW754 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Aether, exactly this is what I thought about my ex, too! I was so sure, after 3,5 years together with my ex, that I knew him so well, and I never ever expected he would be capable of jumping from one relationship to the next, actually overlapping 2 relationships (and it seems SO easy for him)... probably all that makes moving on for me so hard... him showing sides of his character post break up that I never dreamed of in my whole life, it's just "shocking", to see him behave so very differently, like a totally different person from the one I shared years of my life with... I experienced a very similar breakup to yours just about 3 years ago now. I was in an LDR for 5 years with extended visits. My ex left me for another woman and got engaged to her very quickly, just like yours. He actually cheated quite a bit as I found out now, and of course was cheating with her before the relationship ended (although they were also long distance for a time). For the longest time I couldn't understand how I could misjudge this person so thoroughly after knowing them so long. Even recently, as I found out about the other affairs I started to feel stupid and guilty about the breakup. Here's the thing though, the person you fell in love with obviously changed, that person stopped existing during some point in your relationship and no longer exists. This is how I rationalized it to stop missing him years ago when I got over him. LDRs are stressful, long ones that cover different stages in a person's life are even more stressful, LDRs change people. My ex changed because of our LDR, he was never a prize pig anyways, but the LDR made him commitment crazy codependent and desperate. Yes, it hurts to feel betrayed, it's painful and confusing to feel like you never knew that person you spent so much time with, and imagined a future with. You probably wouldn't want to be with the person your ex has become and he could never change back into the person you fell in love with. Mourn the death of the personality you loved and move on to become the stronger more well adjusted person. Link to comment
engraved2008 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Destiny,your story is similar with mine.However when we broke up i told him i d be loving him no matter what and never leave him....that meant be in his life no matter what.The thing is he kept me hoping that we ll get back together one day maybe.He allways said ,maybe'.Then when he found someone ,there was allways an excuse why we cannot be together.....i found someone too,but my ex is still in my heart....i m trying to move on ,do the best ican...but my heart still pounds to rip my chest off ewhen i hear from him and my tears are rolling down my face.... I m sure he did not forget u....its just he deals different with the things than we do. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thanks lavendove for your true words... I know, ALL you say is true and my stupid thoughts don't change anything about the situation... it's not that I sit there each and every day and ask myself these questions...just once in a while these questions come to my mind... is it that "unnormal" to still feel sad that your first love is gone? I know, it has been 6 months and he is long gone and he is planning his future and moving on with his life and I know, I should do the same... but his big advantage is, that he was the one, who made the decision it's over and he already had someone else waiting in line and went from me, straight to her, of course all that makes it easier for him...furthermore, he probably did all his grieving and detaching while he was with me, so when he finally broke up with me, it was a relief for him and he could emotionally focuse on his new relationship with all his energy... while I had to recover from the initial shock and go through my different stages of grieving... and since it's my first real break up, I have had no real experience in dealing with things... But you are right, it's "stupid" of me to still hope there is some kind connection between us (and yes, deep inside of me, I'm exactly doing this), since there is nothing left between us, except our past...but the past is the past and I'm living in the present...and in the present, we aren't part of each other's lives anymore... yes, the sad truth is, soon he will be someone else's husband and I need to absolutely focuse on that fact, that is what matters, only his actions (and not what might go on in his head, and his actions speak a very very clear language I need to stop living on memories (it's just hard), but it's the only way... THANKS again!! Your always opening my eyes and bring me back to the (harsh) reality... Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Destiny,your story is similar with mine.However when we broke up i told him i d be loving him no matter what and never leave him....that meant be in his life no matter what.The thing is he kept me hoping that we ll get back together one day maybe.He allways said ,maybe'.Then when he found someone ,there was allways an excuse why we cannot be together.....i found someone too,but my ex is still in my heart....i m trying to move on ,do the best ican...but my heart still pounds to rip my chest off ewhen i hear from him and my tears are rolling down my face.... I m sure he did not forget u....its just he deals different with the things than we do. Yes, indeed our stories are similar, roxana! I just find hard sometimes, to believe his decision is final, that this was it... but I know, him getting married, well, how much clearer can he make that it is OVER with us??! I need to stop hoping for something that is definetly not going to happen... I need to get rid of this last tiny little spark of hope in the back of my head, that one day he'll realize he made a mistake... As maybe he didn't, maybe it was absolutely the right decision for him, maybe she brings him the happiness he always longed for, who knows?? Only time will tell...But as said before, I need to stop asking myself questions, I'll never be able to answer...it just brings me down....and I do KNOW that it's over, sometimes I just still don't want to grasp that yet...I wished, I wouldn't care anymore, I just would stop loving him...but it's soo soo hard... Link to comment
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