My NC Journal

[notgivingup]

Day 1

 

Some background

 

Ryan is the name of my ex boyfriend. He has told me that he might still love me but questions whether love is enough to keep us together. He has also told me that he still cares about me as a person and as a friend. It seems like he has no problem settling for friends and I do. We have just been together for a month, but I have let down all my guards down when I'm around him. I have let down my walls and barriers when I'm around him, showed him all my strengths and weaknesses etc.

 

I liked and cared about him a lot and I still do. I keep remembering the happy moments that we had when we first started dating. We were very happy together. You were sure that I was "the one" for you, but then you started saying "love is not enough", and that gets me to thinking of how wishy washy you are, the same as one of my other ex boyfriends. It hurts so much. Two of the major problems in our relationship was I did not take what he said to heart and I did not give him the time and space that he needs. Another problem was the trust issue and my constant testing of his love for me.

 

I was falling for him and might have even fallen in love with him only I didn't know how to show it, didn't show it often enough, I alway held it back, which led to some misunderstandings. He told me that it doesn't matter that you tell me that you are falling in love with me or is already in love with me now because the fact that I have always been in love with you/have always loved you did not make any difference at the end of our relationship. There is so much I want to write here, but I'll try to keep in short.

 

The break up and update

 

Ryan broke up with me over the phone. He said that he might still love me but love might not be enough to keep us together. He also told me that he is sure there won't be a second chance for us. I have pretty much accepted that.

 

He has also told me that he would settle as friends because he still cares about me as a person and as a friend. We haven't had a chance to really go NC ever since the break up; just been in touch with each other here and there. One day about two weeks after the break up, he asks for my forgiveness and whether I could give him a second chance. We have texted each other back and forth from then.

 

I have been trying my best to improve on myself and to correct my wrong doings, but there are so many and sometimes I repeat my same mistakes as I had made in the past. That happened on Sunday, and I was making progress prior to that. He was able to settle for being friends but I know I couldn't, because I need that time to heal. So I told him it's best for us to go NC until you are ready to give me a second chance and he hasn't contacted me since. I don't know if I made the right decision, I mean he could see my progress and my improvements if we keep in touch; but he could also see me messing up when I mess up too.

 

I know I have a painful journey ahead of me. But I know that this is for the best. He needs his time to think; I need this time to heal and to grow up. I am so scared and paranoid of losing him, but I know that I will lose him for sure, if I don't let him go first. I really do care and like him a lot; and a lot of my close friends know that; that's all I could talk about. And I know that they are sick and tired of hearing it, so I'm letting it all out in this journal instead. I miss him, I miss us, I miss our memories. I miss our tickling fits. I miss our moments together. I miss what we have shared. We were together for only a month, but it seemed longer.

 

I want you back and I need you. And yet I know I should not expect NC to get you back. I know I should not really expect anything from you just like you are not expecting anything from me. You have hurt me so badly Ryan, have you realized what you have done? You have repeated some of the same actions and behaviors as my other ex-boyfriends; and even though I know I should not compare one to the another, I cannot help it sometimes. I did not expect you of all people to hurt me; it's like you stabbed me first with a knife in the heart and then he made a twist once you have stabbed me. I am bleeding from the inside out and I am crying. It hurts so much Ryan. I feel so sad right now.

 

One of my best friends says that you have an emotional hold on my life right now. And I hope that after a few weeks, months, or years of NC, you will no longer have an emotional hold on my life.

[notgivingup]

Day 1 Post 2

 

I was talking to one of my friends and she was like what if he won't ever be ready to give you a second chance then I told her that it would be his lost. I know that he has strong feelings for me and that it would probably take him a while to find someone else. Will I seriously be okay if he does find someone else during this period of NC and if he is never ready to give us a second chance? I know that I am a strong girl and that I could survive/accomplish anything that I put my mind to, which includes getting over a broken heart, moving on over my ex, improving and changing myself, letting go of my past among other things. I have already come to accept that he might find someone else since he has told me that he does not see a future for us; that he cannot see himself giving us a second chance. I was talking to another one of my friends and she suggests that I should move on over him because he has been to jail, without knowing the real reason why he went to jail in the first place, I know there is a certain stima about people who has been in jail.

[notgivingup]

Day 2

 

Hi guys it's day 2 of No Contact and my main problem is letting go. I don't know how to deal with the happy memories that my ex and I had shared in the past every time they come back to me at all of the most unexpected times. So many things remind me of him. I was just reminded of our happy memories together an hour back and I just couldn't get it out of my mind afterwards. I keep thinking to myself it's such a shame that our relationship didn't last longer. I was looking forward to celebrating my birthday and Valentine's day with him, who knows that our relationship would be so short. Today would have marked our second month if we had not broken up with each other like three weeks ago. I have so much trouble letting go of my past; it's like I had not let go of my exes before him, I was still in the process of doing so and now I have to try to let go of him too? I know everybody tells me to let go of my past and it sounds so easy; but it is easier said than done. HOW do I let go of my past? How could I when memories of my past keep coming back to haunt me? How do I live in the moment?

[notgivingup]

Day 2 Post 2

 

OMG I am starting to regret blocking my ex on Facebook; or maybe I'm just freaking out. This is the first time blocking someone on Facebook and I didn't know that blocking someone on Facebook would also mean that I could not even look at their profile. Should I have just defriended him on Facebook instead? Oh wellz, there's not much I could do about it now right? His profile won't even show up when I search for him now Did I go too far?

[notgivingup]

Day 2 Post 3

 

I thought we had something. I felt comfortable with you and was able to open up to you. I was not shy when I'm with you at all like I was with anyone else. I thought we had something special. Do you have any idea what you are putting me through? I wish I could talk to you about what I am going through right now, cuz talking to you about what I am going through is the only thing that matters to me now. Talking to anyone else about us does not do me any good. I want YOU to know how I feel and how much this has affected me. I want to know how this is affecting you in return as well, but it probably isn't affecting you as much because most guys are not emotionally attached to their relationships.

[notgivingup]

Day 3

 

It's Day 3 of my journey of NC and it has been very painful on me. It continues to be painful for me as I deal with a life without him. There have been many times when I wish I could reach out to him, for I know he still cares about me and will help me get through whatever it is that I am going through at the moment. I know that he is respectful of my wishes to go on NC with me and I also know that he still cares about me, that if I ask for his help, he will probably give it to me. But I don't want to play games with him. I don't want to change my mind every few seconds. I refuse to break NC. I made a commitment to go NC with him BECAUSE I needed this time to myself and that is exactly what I am going to use it for. I will ask everyone and anyone for help other than him when I need it. I do have other people that I can depend on. I am sure that there will continue to be times where I want to reach out to him and I need to stop myself from doing so. There have been many times and I am sure there will continue to be more times when I am reminds of our happy memories together, does he go through the same things as I do? Does he miss me and think about me as I do with him? But that doesn't really matter, because this time should be about ME. This journey of NC is so painful and it hurts so much. Today is Chinese New Year though, I should be thinking positively. I should be thinking that this is going to be a good and prosperous year for my family and I. I should be thinking that I will get a job if I focus on that and that alone without worrying about relationship related drama at all.

[notgivingup]

Day 4

 

You are not the only guy I have flashbacks of and it is really difficult to deal with flashbacks of two guys at the same time. I had flashbacks of D when the Chinese news were showing a busy Chinese restaurant packed with people eating out. I had thoughts of D cuz he was a busboy at a restaurant. Then I had flashbacks of you as I watched a preview of a movie that we had watched together in the movie theater. Then I had a dream that I broke NC with you on facebook chat and the dream was so vivid at the time, that I really thought that it was reality. I also had a three hour talk with T about my past. I asked him if forgiveness comes before letting go and his answer was yes which led me to talk about C. I told him how C raped me, how he faked his own death, how he fake his own suicide note, how I believed him and everything like that a nd how he expects me to forgive me. His answer was whatever you do, you have to try. That is your first relationship and your most traumatic relationship at that and unless you are able to deal with that on your own, you cannot have another successful relationship with anyone. And then I start thinking what would you say if I had told you about this? What would your reaction be if you had know about this? How is it that I am supposed to forgive C? But T has a point though. C is the reason why I have not had longer relationships with other guys. I do not know how to trust other guys and I do not know how to pick the right guys to be with too. Would me telling you about what happened with C changed anything? Would we still be together if you had known about that? It's like I don't talk about this whole thing with C anymore, but it does not mean that I have moved on over it, I mean it is always in the back of my mind. And no I have not forgiven him yet. What would have happened with us if you had known what happened with C is the main reason why I couldn't trust guys?

[notgivingup]

Day 1

 

First I would like to apologize to myself and my dear and close friends for being so weak and giving in to the desire of getting back in touch with my ex again by responding to his text message 3 days after NC started with us. And now I am regretting it. I will try my best not to break this NC period again from this day forward. I am afraid that I have been used/taken advantage of again by another worthless guy which saddens and devastates me, along with my close friends, who knows about my situation with R. I hate being told I told you so by others but I guess in this case they were right. They could see me a continent away and yet I have to fall into the same trap once again to realize my mistake. I have to walk away from R, I don't really have a choice. I don't care about the fact that he does not want to go NC with me because I want to and that is all that matters. I refuse to let him drag this out any longer. He has already told me that he has fell out of love with me and that he still has love for me as a person (that he cares about me as a person and a friend); that we are friends with a special connection, but that is all we are. Having love for someone or something is so vague, you can have love for anyone and anything. Thank god I have T; he is such a great friend and he tries his best to be there for me. He told me that I should listen to my mind and just let R go and disregard what my heart is telling me. Because the heart is only telling you what you want to hear. T told me that I already have all the answers, I am just not listening to them and accepting things for what they really are. That R is leading me on, that he is trying to use me and take advantage of me (because we have a physical connection/attraction) until he finds the next girl that he wants to be with. I love T because he tells me exactly what I need to hear. He tells me as it is. He confirms my doubts and fears if it is indeed what is happening. I love T2 because she too does the same, she tells me that there are times when you have to walk away from things, that you have to change your mentality to you will be fine living on your own making your own decisions standing on your own two feet. I love having the both of them in my life. It is such a blessing in disguise.

[notgivingup]

Day 1 Post 2

 

I am still crying over the fact that R has hurt me the way that he did and it is not a good feeling at all, does he have any idea what he is doing to me?

[notgivingup]

Day 1 Post 3

 

T told me that once someone falls out of love with someone, than it is highly unlikely that they will fall in love with each other again. I wonder if that is true.

[notgivingup]

Day 1

 

Devastated, Hurt, and Determined

 

Today would have been my second day of NC except for the fact that I got so weak last night that I texted R. I hate myself for doing that but I felt like it was something that I have to do. I am still feeling quite hurt and devastated about what is going on with R but I have also learnt with the help of T and T2 that I will be fine. That I should stop letting my heart (saying what I want to hear) override my mind (saying what I need to hear); that this is not the best case scenario for listening to your heart. R has made it quite clear to me that "he no longer loves me" and I just have to accept that fact and move on. All I want to do at this point in time is curl up in a ball and cry, and just trying my best to keep my life busy. This is so painful for me. I had a good long cry yesterday. R is one of two guys out of the seven ex boyfriends that I have had that I actually cried over after we broke up, and that says a lot. I don't cry easily and can hide my feelings from others pretty well. R just added me on Facebook again cuz I blocked him for NC and then unblocked him and friended him again after NC was broken. T told me that me and R will never work out. E and T2 told me the same. All three of them want me to walk away from R. And I agree with them, so I know that I have to go on this painful journey. I don't know whether if it is true that once you fall out of love with someone, you cannot fall in love with them again. I am feeling really apprehensive and deadly frightened about relationships at this point in time; I do not know how to tell by the actions of others whether they truly love me or not, I no longer know when to trust and believe in something that guys who I have a relationship say, I no longer which guys to trust and which guys not to trust; there is so much more where that comes from. I am so deadly frightened about relationships that in fact I cannot even see myself in a relationship with someone who is serious about being with me and has been tolerant and patient with me for the 3-4 years. I keep doubting guys who are serious about me and those who are not as well.

[notgivingup]

Day 1

 

Calm, Pissed and Determined

Feeling like a fool

Around and around in a circle I go, choosing to believe our love is true one minute and choosing to let go and move on the next. I've finally decided to move on and let him go for now, because I have finally realized how important space is to him. I got into an argument with him yesterday and I decided to just stop texting him altogether. I might reply to his texts if he texts me or I might just ignore it; which is what I am going to do (most likely). I cannot be just friends with him, I will not settle. I have been in a relationship like this before, where I was friends with my ex right after the breakup (I pretended to be fine with it when it wasn't) and it came back to bite me. I will not make the same mistake again. I cannot be friends with someone who I want to be with and deal with the fact that he might be talking to and dating other girls at the same time. I cannot be friends with someone who might meet someone who makes him happy than I do and watch what I have with him go down the drain.

[notgivingup]

Day 1 Post 2

 

Clearheaded and Calm

 

I am sorry but I simply cannot give you what you want. I cannot settle for a friendship with you at this point in time. You give me no choice but to let go of you and to move on over you. I feel like your need for space is more important than what I have with you right now (which is friendship). I know you do not want to go NC on me but that does not matter. What matters to me the most is ME. What matters to me the most is WHAT I NEED. I cannot watch as another girl who makes you happier than I do take my place, as you start to talk to her and eventually date her. I cannot let history repeat itself, and pretend that settling for a friendship with you is enough, because it isn’t. I cannot allow myself to get hurt by you again, I cannot set myself up for failure again, I cannot let my vulnerable side show again. I must be strong and act like everything is okay even when it isn’t. This is going to be the most difficult task for me at the time, but I know that it has to be done. I love myself more than I love you so I am sorry. GOOD BYE.

[notgivingup]

Day 2

 

Determined, Clearheaded, Relieved, Confused and Afraid

 

I am more determined than ever that I can continue this NC with you because I went through yesterday without texting you at all. I was able to ignore your text instead of texting you back. I do not understand why you send me the text that you did saying "hey gurlie, just got off work- wanted to give you a text so u don’t think I’m ignoring you; hope your doing alright”, what is the point of texting me that? We are just friends you do not have to check in with me and you do not owe me any explanations as to your whereabouts. I am confused as to why you sent me that text message. I feel like I am no one special, that I am just your friend, that you think of me the same way you think of C. I am confused as to whether you have given up on what we have or used to have and once you have labelled me as your friend, it will not change, that I can never be your girlfriend again. I am really afraid that you will replace me with someone else and I will have to watch as that happens, which is why I am going on NC with you, and I hope that you will learn something during this time of NC. I am more certain than ever that going on NC with you is the best thing that I could do for myself despite how you feel about given the silent treatment by someone else. I am so relieved that I was able to ignore your text instead of texting you back. I was not okay and I probably won't be for a long time, but I figured that pretending that I am okay for now will become reality one day in the future and that is all that matters. I refuse to give into my moments of weakness from now on. Maybe you will be lucky enough that I will make exceptions as to when I will return your text messages and that I will minimize the time in which that is going to happen. But I have got to let you go now. I hope you do well without me in the meantime. Remember I love you and I probably always will. Right now it's my time, and I just love myself more. I hope you understand.

[notgivingup]

Day 2

 

I let R know that we are going on NC on Friday so today is once again the second day of NC. Today is day 2 of NC and even though I am still weak and emotional about everything that has gone on between the both of us, I do believe I will get stronger with time. I was just crying last night in bed. I just deleted him off of my facebook because I do not want to let him know the pain and hurt that I am suffering because of him. I have just deleted you off of my facebook since I am so active on facebook and I do not want you to know how I am doing especially during this time. I do not want you to know how much pain and hurt that I am suffering because of you. My facebook is quite active and I just do not want him to know anything that is going on in my life. Thank you for the song “A little bit stronger” by Sara Evans, it fits my mood. Thank goodness that God has provided me with family and friends that I can depend on. Thank goodness that I have God as my sole support in life. Thank goodness that I see God’s work in my life right now. Going NC is the most beneficial thing that I could do for myself and that is why I am going this and I am going to stick to it too. I know that in time with the help of God, family and friends, I will be as stronger as I used to be if not stronger than before we met.