Don't understand...

[Daligal83]

My ex and I broke up almost three weeks ago. Here's the thread to what happened...

 

...

 

We talked about a week ago. He was very apologetic, took all responsibility, cried a lot. I cried a lot. He said he didn't love that girl, but just had a crush or infatuation. He said he definitely loved me but didn't think he was good enough for me. He said he's the type of drunk that is a horrible person and does things he doesn't mean. That's a brief summary of what happened.

 

So we hadn't talked since that day. We ended up talking by accident today. I saw I had a missed call from him. I saw him on Facebook chat so I sent him a message asking if he meant to call or if it was an accident. He said it was an accident and apologized. I told him it was no big deal, and he said he told me he'd leave me alone and didn't mean it. I told him it was ok, that I just didn't want to ignore him if he meant it. Then I closed the chat box...then he asked how my weekend went. We just had a quick chat and he said he'd leave me be and didn't mean to interrupt my night. I again told him it was OK, and asked if he wanted his car charger back. He said I could keep it and then I told him that I'd be back there in a couple weeks and would give his roommate his shirts and book. He told me that I could hang onto the book since he has another copy and I haven't read it yet. He doesn't care if he gets it back or not. Then we said goodnight.

 

I noticed that on his page, he changed a couple things today. He made it so that no one can click "like" or comment on his anything on his page at all. He also made it so that pictures of him that are tagged are hidden. He's still tagged in a couple pictures of mine, so it's just that they are hidden. Awhile ago he deleted all of his pictures that had me in them, except for his profile pictures.

 

I find that to be odd. I feel like either A) he is hiding something or B) its just some sort of coping mechanism. I have serious trust issues with him now because of how the breakup went down, so I'm automatically assuming he's hiding something.

 

I know everyone will say to stop checking his Facebook, hide him, block him, delete him, etc. I'm not trying to be difficult but it's not going to happen. I'm not a mess over this. I actually felt totally OK after talking to him. I just wish I knew what was going through his head.

[annie24]

well, i'll say it anyway - i suggest you block or at least hide him on facebook for a few months. how would you feel if some little tramp start posting saucy messages on his facebook or you saw that he was listed 'in a relationship' with someone else? my guess is it would feel like a stab through the heart. not saying that this will happen, but i think as a general rule, you shouldn't be friends with an ex until you can handle that sort of information. as it is, you are wondering why he is hiding his fb photos and things. i really don't know. some people like to deactivate their fbs for whatever reason.

[Daligal83]

I'm weird about that stuff though. I'd rather know so that I have a clear picture of who that person is. Yes it will hurt if I see that he is dating someone, but at least I know what the situation is. It hurts but it also helps me move on. It's just the way I work. Like right now I vary between the mindsets of being angry at him and thinking that he's not a bad person, but just really messed up. If he's going to quickly start dating someone else, I'll know that he really is just a jerk and I shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt like that. And I'm wondering what's going on with him whether or not I look at his page. I know it's not a good idea, I know. I'm just not in a place where I want to severe that tie yet.

[annie24]

well, if something is going badly in his life, i'm not sure that you, as his ex, should be the one to fix it. i understand what you mean about finding out he is dating someone new and using that information to move on. for me, that would hurt more, but we are different. i'd rather find out about his gf once i'm 99% over him. then i'm like 'whatever.' but do you actually think he would post something that gives you serious insight into his mental condition on facebook?

[Daligal83]

No, you're right he wouldn't. But the absence of information can speak louder. I feel like he thinks there might be things posted he doesn't want me to see. I know it doesn't matter in the long run. I don't think anything is going badly in his life (other than what already happened), I just have serious trust issues when it comes to him.

[DaveCummings]

Hey Daligal83,

 

I admire you're haste in how not messed up you are over the break-up. I can understand the desire to check his fb for any updates or relevant posts that would suggest how he's doing or if he's moved onto someone else. For the sake of mental clarity and to not inject yourself with negativity I understand it would likely benefit you more to block or delete him, but you have a much better idea of yourself than anything I could suggest so I can understand where you're coming from.

 

From what I read or your b/u with this guy, I get the impression that whatever room you're leaving for doubt over whether this guy is good or not speaks volumes. I mean I never read anywhere what would cause him to drink so much or why he would feel the need to lie to you, but just that he did. That he continued to hurt you for so long and then lie to you for convenience of himself is in itself wrong and you don't need me saying that. Good guy or not he certainly wasn't being one then.

 

The recent ex that left me pretty devastated and dead inside didn't go 13 days without finding someone new and changing her facebook status to in a relationship. I can tell you not a trace of me was found in her facebook, but she sure didn't hide it from me. To the point I wasn't coping well with what had happened between her and I and when I asked for some closure, just something to ease the pain? She and her new b/f pulled a dastardly prank on me. Like I wasn't kicked while I was lying on the floor, no, they ruthlessly made a joke of me.

 

So I'm asking you for your own sake to try and forget about this guy. He lied, he manipulated, he may not have cheated but it was admitted he cared deeply for some other girl while it seems to me you had done nothing to deserve that.

[Daligal83]

Thanks Dave for your words. I didn't post about why he drinks because I didn't want to reveal anymore than I already have about his personal issues. I only revealed what affected me. I know why he has a lot of the issues he does. He also is an alcoholic, so it's a disease. Not that it's an excuse and he knows that. He told me it's not his fault he is bipolar, it's not his fault he's an alcoholic, just like it's not someone's fault if they are diabetic...but if that diabetic loses their foot because they aren't taking care of themselves, it's their fault. So he gets it. I know everything he did is not OK, butt being a social worker, I tend to take a clinical view of things. So from that perspective, I've had this view point that he isn't a bad person and it wasn't malicious, even though it was wrong. What I mean is, he did everything because of his issues, not purposefully to hurt me. However, if that view point is wrong, I'd rather know. If he doesn't deserve that kind of empathy from me, I'd rather know.

 

In the long run, it doesn't matter. We will never get back together. If he does date that girl, I pity her. It won't be any different. This guy has had like 30 girlfriends...there's a reason why. But I've entertained the idea of being friends with him at some point once I'm over everything...and if he doesn't deserve that friendship I want to know.

[DaveCummings]

Hey Daligal,

 

I didn't mean to put that on you, I know it must have been tough dealing with him and his drinking. I admire your courage and strength to have been with him all this time. Someone like that needs people, but at the same time their destructive behaviour just becomes too painful and unbarable on many.

 

I think what you're doing for yourself is the right thing to do and I can see where you're coming from given what you've said. If the guy has had like 30+ girlfriends then does he even think of you as being any different from the others? Cruel as that sounds I couldn't answer for him and it's hard to say as it seems he doesn't want to answer for himself either.

 

I'm happy to hear you're at least doing well for yourself and I think you have the right attitude about it. Take care of yourself first and foremost

[Daligal83]

Thanks Dave When we talked when he was sober, he did say that I'm the best person that he's ever been with. Among the 30 girlfriends, he's only had a handful serious relationships including myself. I hope I don't get lumped in with the rest. I think I will at least stand out as the one that he messed up. He can't put any blame on myself and he admits that.

 

His friend wrote on my wall today saying she wanted to see me. I sent her a message letting her know we broke up and she said she didn't know and hadn't talked to him in awhile. She still wants to keep in touch and see me though,which I thought was really cool of her.

[annie24]

It sounds like all of his friends hold you in high esteem. i wouldn't be surprised if over time, some of them become your friends, and not his anymore. i'm glad that they are all looking out for you!

[Daligal83]

These are friends he's had for a really really long time. I don't think they'll ever not be friends with him. But it does mean a lot to me that they still think highly of me and would even want to continue the friendship.

 

When we talked last week, I asked what his parents said. He hadn't talked to his dad about it but he said his mom doesn't blame me for leaving him and told him that he wouldn't be able to find another girl like me. He said she was my biggest fan...and I only met her once lol.