can't believe i stayed with her so long? , she's selfish, reckless and immature

[anthony4]

I am 52 year old male, she is 45. Will call her "S". We broke up a month ago after almost two years.

I believe much of our problems were due to passive aggressive, fear of emotional intimacy on her part.

She never shared desires, hopes, dreams, wants, needs. Always was willing to say we had differences but rarely if ever would discuss them. When confronted about issues she would tell me i was needy, and always wanted to talk. Even just to check-in now

and then about our relationship, and emotional connection, since she wouldn't share those things without asking. If we got into a spat, she would want no contact for up to a week.

She was obsessed with Facebook, and her Iphone. At times, i would make a slightly romantic (never overt or perverse) post on her wall in the morning before she went to work, and it was blatantly ignored, all the while she commenting on the weather

and trivial things to other people, knowing i would fully realize that she wanted me to see i wasn't as important or a response wasn't "necessary" or worth her time.Even on our first date she was texting back and forth with a younger male platonic co-worker about his girlfriend troubles. she showed me them, but i wasn't going to come out and tell her on our first date how rude that was.I learned recently from her daughter-in-law that she has a history of blaming others for ruining outings and such. I was told by S of one such incident over a year ago that happened before we met and had no reason to doubt her. that was refuted by the daughter in law in the last

week. She told me S was totally to blame for ruining that trip with control and jealousy issues. also found out i was blamed for such on a recent trip we took as family which seemed to me to really to go off without any trouble.

When we first became committed to each other the subject of her ex-bf's computer came up. S stated that if he ever needed it repaired she would gladly do it for him. (he is engaged) I told her there are many people that would do it for a fee. This angered her daughter, that she would do such a thing while in a commited relationship with me. She also allowed a co-worker to send her pornographic texts and S claimed she didnt' open them. I also said this was unacceptable, partly because we were together, and also that she should respect herself more than to allow that. (he is not a man she would be attracted to,i am certain) I was baffled that a woman her age wouldn't know these things are destructive, of course feared i would be resented as controlling for demanding they stop, but would not compromise. Those incidents were ridiculous i believe, for her to allow, or think that they were were proper and acceptable while in a relationship.

Early on, during one of our days of strain, her daughter told me "Mom's not used to men treating her the way you do" (in a good way) I've learned since, that many of her boyfriends were abusive. She takes weed with her in her purse ever day, gets high in her car on lunch break, would lose her government job if she got caught.

When she moved into this area almost two decades ago (uprooting three young children and distancing them from all friends and relatives) she told me it was because an ex boyfriend was incarcerated here in a Federal facility. She smuggled drugs in for him, and was eventually caught in an FBI sting, attempting to smuggle heroin in for him. I believed since this was so long ago, that people can change,(although she constantly tells me they can't referring to me and my neediness). That issue was never brought up by me to her during our time together. Maybe she has little or no self-respect, and not feeling worthy of it, rejects men that give her that or expect her to want that for herself is my current thought. Not once in our almost two years would she be naked in bed with me. She had issues about her body, was not obese. I explained to her (always telling her she is beautiful and sexy) that men are visual by nature, and she would greatly benefit from allowing me to see her that way.

I was always affectionate, tending to her needs and wants. Reliable, caring, compassionate.

She never really expressed anger with me, other than to shun me, or tell me i was needy, or "always wanted to talk" whenever differences would arise. I only saw her cry once, when she was going to have surgery. This may not be abnormal but i suspect it is more of fear of emotional intimacy - that i may view her as weak and somehow take advantage of that. S constantly complains about her boss and co-workers. Anyone with a soft heart, and less "strong" than her is called needy, and resented for it. She cusses like a sailor in front of her two grandsons, ages 3 and 5 that live in her home. the daughter in law that has helped me through this with some insight is also resented because she complains of favoritism about her three sons, living only 5 minutes away. they rarely if ever get visits from S, and i believe at the childrens' expense, it is to frustrate the daughter-in-law and show her she isn't going to get the attention she wants. To be honest and fair S is dealing with constant pain due to hip issues. I did what little i could for her with massages, and rubs, at her reques, and often without. Sex was simple and plain due to her health, i never made an issue of that and was happy and proud to be her lover in any aspect.I can't say how much her childhood was cause or effect in any of this, as she rarely discussed it. All i do know is her parents divorced when she was young, maybe age 11. She did say she was never sexually abused. There were times when she was affectionate, caring, fun, and always was generous with sharing food, expenses - rarely withheld sex as a punishment. I realize relationships take two to make them work, i just feel i gave so much more than i got in this one. I guess i'm looking for validation. I rarely got it from her.Sorry so long, this was a two year compilation of thoughts.

[lvrnftr11]

anthony4 I don't feel you need apologize for anything said or done. It is not a sign of weakness, but of caring and compassion! You sound like a sensitive man (some will take that as a slam) There are women out there that will enjoy your sensitivity. But you will also not be attractive to those that think a man should be tough and not show emotion (shows weakness to them) it is perceived only as confidence. People are different, they should not be put in categories such as all women are sensitive, caring, compassionate, men tough, strong, don't let things get to them. Love YOURSELF

[lvrnftr11]

oops! keep looking for the right mix that you deserve. Please don't look at those years spent were a waste of time, but as a learning experience that will give you something more for the right relationship when it happens (not if) when it happens. Just don't presume in your next relationship that you know what that woman might be thinking and feeling. I say that because we all have a tendency to carry over past experiences, very unfair to your new partner. The very best of luck!

[CatsMeeoow]

I think from what you wrote its best to recognize that this relationship never really had a chance did it? You sound as different as night and day. You really didn't list a single positive aspect you received from this woman - relationships are two way streets... give and take.

 

I think you've spent too much time trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.

 

You're 52 - and you don't need to sell yourself short. You are settling for your own reasons. You should be living and enjoying life with someone who can give a little of what you need in return. My dad is 62 - he met and married a wonderful woman (his third wife) at 54 (she's older by 3 yr I think.) They compliment each other well and our families blended quite nicely. Where do you see this relationship going? Does it really have the potential to go anywhere?

 

I would classify my husband as a "needy" man. He has constant need for affection, touching, attention, validation. I, however, am more independent and enjoy my space immensely. Now our marriage has absolutely zero chance unless I recognize that my husband had needs that I absolutely must recognize. He is working today - on Saturday so I can enjoy some downtime on my own... breathe without feeling smothered... lol. In return I will schedule an evening where he has my undivided attention... a quick hike, dinner, LOTS of hand holding, making sure I am letting him know how I feel and how I appreciate him, sitting next to him enjoying a movie where I am not allowed to knit or something - just know that's painful.. I like staying busy! These things aren't the easiest for me and sometimes I have to work at it but I love my husband.

 

My point is - if your needs aren't being recognized or worse yet you are put down for them this is not a healthy relationship for you.

 

Good Luck

[anthony4]

oops! keep looking for the right mix that you deserve. Please don't look at those years spent were a waste of time, but as a learning experience that will give you something more for the right relationship when it happens (not if) when it happens. Just don't presume in your next relationship that you know what that woman might be thinking and feeling. I say that because we all have a tendency to carry over past experiences, very unfair to your new partner. The very best of luck!

 

I always believe "love like you've never been hurt", and am able to live that.

and, i have read some great advice here on how to be the Alpha male. problem with that is i just want to find someone that loves me for me - that whole notion seems like a game. Seeming unconcerned and always leading the show may work for some, but i am hoping to find a gal that doesn't want that, one as you say will appreciate a sensitive, compassionate man, and won't become bored with that, rather will revel in it. As a man, i would love a woman to dote over me, lol. I have a female cousin that tells me at our age, there are oodles of women that would love that side of me. I'm banking on finding that gal someday. Starting a new job tomorrow night, a good way to distract myself from some of the resentment and bitterness of not being appreciated for being real. thanks for your posts!!

[anthony4]

You sound like a great gal for your husband, to recognize his needs and still able to be yourself. And you don't sound a bit resentful of that. I really don't want to say much good about her right now. i did touch on the fact that at times there were some good qualities in her. More than that and i'd wanna believe she is worth my time. You are correct, this was doomed from the start. Thanks for your insight, and if she would have been more like you, maybe some of the other differences could have been worked on. I just didn't matter to her. Kudos, give him a big hug when he gets home!

[professorplum]

hoping to pm you anthony but you have chosen to disable this function?

[anthony4]

hoping to pm you anthony but you have chosen to disable this function?

 

can't find a pm setting. only allow emails. is that it? there is no setting for pm in general settings. i only joined this morning. when i click on my inbox, i get an error stating i have insufficient privledges

[professorplum]

I thought everyone one could use PM unless it takes a couple of days. Had a look at FAQ which did not suggest otherwise. Will try again tomorrow.

[anthony4]

I thought everyone one could use PM unless it takes a couple of days. Had a look at FAQ which did not suggest otherwise. Will try again tomorrow.

 

email from admin says a couple days. hold that thought

[professorplum]

Will do just that!

[anthony4]

Will do just that!

 

still no change in my PM permissions. Am curious as to your response. (taps fingers)

[lvrnftr11]

Just checking in on the new job, and to see where your thinking is?

[anthony4]

Just checking in on the new job, and to see where your thinking is?

 

wishing i could say the job went well. it did not. i was told it was a great place to work, small employee count, etc.. found out too much from the guy training me, and i can live humbly on alot less money. I'm too old for 50 hour split shifts also. I want a life aside from a job.

My thinking is OK i guess. Heard a song on the radio i had to turn off. Thought about if we would try to reconcile today, all the obstacles jumped in to my mind. (good thing) It's still too soon, and i am a bit vulnerable. But am maintaining NC. She may call me at one point, maybe not. But i'm NOT making that move.

thanks tons for asking!!

[lvrnftr11]

Sorry that the job was not what you expected! That can only make things more difficult.

Most men put alot of our self worth into what we do for a living. When we are between jobs, and when jobs are difficult to find, life around us can be difficult.

 

A good! and a confident woman who has strength of her own, can help her man through these times, and vise versa. Look at your triumphs, learn from your mistakes, acknowledge your weaknesses. But don't dwell there! Put your energy into a career, not just a job. Your happiness in career will be a confidence and an energy that will show!

 

Everyone is drawn to ENERGY!!! I guess what I should just say is, put a relationship on the back burner. I know that a new relationship can be such a high. Everything in balance!

 

Best of luck!

[pbsurf]

Hey Anthony,

 

Just read through your posts. You are doing very well I think w/NC. 2 years is a long time and I think there is a bit of conditioning that has gone on here. It sounds like your ex has lots and lots of issues that have built up over the years that she, and she alone, needs to deal with.

 

The "nice guy" approach (I was guilty of that in my marriage, and a bit in this latest thing I am now dealing with) really does set us up to get hurt. I think there is a middle ground between being too nice (doormat) and an a-hole/bad boy. That is knowing when to walk away with your pride - if and when it is clear that the other person is not going to change or compromise.

 

But it is so hard. Right now, all day today, I have had this knot in my stomach about all of it, that I know would go away if I heard her voice or got in tough somehow. How is any of this different than quitting a drug or alcohol addiction?

 

you are going to be fine. From what I have read, you will be far better off without your ex in your life. Just stay strong and keep NC up!