My story....no different than many of yours...help me heal...

[illusionoflove]

I'm so thankful to have found this forum. I read it yesterday for hours and found great comfort here.

 

My story:

 

I divorced 10 years ago and was alone for five years before I met my ex-bf. We met online and seemed to hit it off very well. We spent the next few years in great happiness. We made plans, shared our lives and did almost everything together. He always was a bit different and I trusted him with my life. I believed him when he said he said he had honor.

 

He decided after 4 years that he needed some space. We had split up for about 6 months and I was almost over him. Then he shocked me by asking me to come back and saying that he had seen a counselor and had needed the time to work on himself. I gave him a second chance but then I started to catch him telling lies. Sometimes to me, sometimes to others but I could not figure out why. He lost his job and told elaborate lies to cover it up and I found out anyway. Then I believed what he told me after the fact and we moved on. We made it through the holidays and I reconnected with his family and friends. I felt like we almost were back to where we should be and then he started going cold and distant.

 

I pressed the issue on the phone one night and he admitted that he wanted to break it off for good. That he had tried everything and the fire was gone. He loved me like a friend and wanted to keep me in his life. He wanted to continue to do things, blah, blah, blah. I admitted as well that our relationship had been like friends for a long time but it was still hard to let go of the feeling of the relationship. I mourned the loss of "us." We continued to chat occasionally. I was actually doing okay because I had already worked through this the previous year when we had split.

 

About two weeks after the break, I found out that he had been in the hospital for a few days but he didn't tell me. I was hurt because I was thinking he was in there all alone and that bothered me. Something didn't ring true.

 

The next weekend he calls just to tell me a little story about something that had happened and he name drops another woman had been over. I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut and ripped out a piece of my heart. I was okay with the break up as it had been but then the pieces all fell together in my mind. Why did he do that? Why did he want me to know in that way? I don't know what she is to him and it doesn't matter because we are over, but why hurt me like that? It felt like the nail in the coffin.

 

I have been NC since accept for a couple of texts. He has also been uncharacteristically quiet and I know that he "knows" what he did to me with that phone call. Was he trying to push me away for good? Did he just want me to know he was seeing someone so I wouldn't drop by? Did he not realize that now I figure he had her at the hospital with him and that is why he did not call me? I fluctuate between being okay, being angry and also wondering how he is doing? We had rarely gone a day without communicating and the void is large and gaping. I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. I just want to sleep. How could he do that to me? I figure that he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. He is not a bad person. I do not want to be angry. I do not want to think he is like every other man that has hurt me.....but here it is. I am hurt, I am wounded and I feel betrayed. I do not know how to heal.

[illusionoflove]

I feel like I'm floating adrift, out of my body, just going through the motions of my day. I almost emailed him but I discarded the message.

[BirdOnAWire]

Yeah I probably wouldn't communicate. I suspect you'll be ''going through the motions'' for quite a while. Too long though and that becomes serious depression. If you feel yourself slipping to a point where all you do is go through the motions of life without living, I'd suggest you seek help. I know and others know how that feels but professional help may be the best solution. Time heals all wounds and I'm sure you know this by now but that's really the only thing that people will drill into your head.

 

Get through today and then tomorrow and so on and so forth.

 

A desperate plea but I must say. Please God, just let me make it through one more day.

 

One foot in front of the other!

[illusionoflove]

Thank you Birdonawire. I'm up and down but doing better this evening. I came home and instead of just sitting around, I worked out and listened to some loud music. I immediately felt a lot better. I am lucky that I have a pretty all encompassing hobby, so if I can make it to the weekends then I am very busy. I've decided that I'm going to try to go out with my girlfriends more often and keep working out. I've always been pretty fit, but I've never really worked at it. I find that getting absorbed in my favorite music is really good therapy as well. Another day of NC!

[MissSMcc]

So sorry you are going through this, i feel your pain i really do. Men are smelly sometimes. You have a lot of questions regarding your exes motives, why he mentioned the other woman etc, and it's totally normal to wonder why, but i had a similar problem in my own break up and was told by other posters 'it doesn't matter why.' At first that felt way harsh, but now i see it's true. His reasons will ultimately mean nothing, even if you did get the truth out of him. Which is doubtful anyway considering his recent lying habit. Focus on yourself, and understand there is nothing he could say to you right now that would contribute to your healing. It's time to be selfish. Ignore him at all costs, continue with NC religiously, and let time do it's thing. If you feel the need to tell him something, or ask him a question, ask us instead. Chin up