He is gone FOREVER and it's all my fault!

[HJCVS]

 

 

I hope that someone out there can help me. I am extremely depressed and need to know if I made the right decision because as each day passes, it seems like I didn't.

 

I dated a wonderful man for 1.5 years but in February '03 we called it quits for good. Now I cannot forget him, I cry for him every night and am wondering what the hell I was thinking in ending the relationship.

 

One of the main problems I had with the situation was this, he is 33 (I am 28), has a Masters in Psychology and has a wonderful job at a college. At 33, he still elected to live at home with his Mom. In addition, they shared a joint bank account and were almost inseperable. He advised that this set up was due to the fact that his parents are divorced and she couldn't afford the house alone. He did not want to pay rent to a landlord so he stayed home to help out with the bills and maintain the property. Once his Mom's boyfriend retired, she was supposed to move in with him and they were going to travel together. Ultimately, she decided that she liked her independence and did not move out. She is still there and he won't discuss the situation w. her.

 

Aside from that, whenever I would visit, she was there and it was hard to have privacy. Over time I grew used to it but it still bothered me. When my boyfriend bought a new truck for himsef after 10 years, his Mom never congratulated him, she got mad and said "That is not what we discussed. We discussed the used one....." She put a guilt trip on him for buying his own vehicle, with his own money. Again he never stood up for himself.

 

The part that finally broke my heart into a thousand pieces was this scenario. After dating over a year, I tried to get an idea if he wanted to get married and he stated he did. However, I was always the one to discuss it and he never did. He would use words like "wherever this goes, whatever happens between us...." Those words hurt me and I told him that and he said it's because he's a pesimisst.

 

Not too long after that, he told me that over the summer he was going to fix up the house for his Mom. He was going to finish the basement, put siding on it, refurbish the kitchen, out in new carpeting etc. He even told me about a person going over the house to give an estimate on the siding. I thought it was a great idea but I decided to test him. I asked him how he felt about having 2 loans out in his name. His Mom doesn't qualify for a home equity loan due to her income and his name would have to be on it. I asked if he was comfortable with that knowing we would have to take out a loan too when we got married for our home. He got very quiet and didn't answer me. He said that he woudn't have 2 loans out in his name and it did bother him. It was left at that and he NEVER mentioned house renovations to me again. My point is that if he was REALLY contemplating marriage with me, why would he tie himself down with a $75,000 loan for his Mom's house? It demonstrated to me where his priorities lay.

 

Shortly thereafter I became disgusted with him and ended the relationship. I felt like his Mom would always dominate our lives and he was already "married" to her. He never stood up for himself or us or what he really wanted. I never felt like it was me- 100%.

 

I know the man loves me and I love him still. My problem now is that, maybe I should have given it more time? Maybe if I did that then he would have proposed. I am not sure.

 

Thank you for reading and for any advice.

[Rachelle_19]

Hi there, first off I just want to say that's a nice microwave.

It sounds like (very unfortunately) he may be one of those "mama's boys." Oh, I hope that's not the case. It can be very difficult to "wein" them from their moms. If he wanted to marry you, you're right. I think he should have proposed. And since you've mentioned marriage already and he hasn't said much, it dosen't look like that's the road he wants to go down. And further more. You dumped him. And he didn't chase after you? It dosen't sound good.

 

I don't think that too much blame can be place on his mother though, as he is an adult has a mind of his own. He can do whatever he wants, even if it's something his mom might not approve.

 

Unless he makes lots of money at his job, it sounds like he's getting into a long-term debt with the house loan. If he goes through with that, that may not be good!

He should buy a duplex or triplex instead of a house. Then, his mom could live in one of the units, you two in another one. And if it's a triplex, the third one could be rented out for help with the mortgage.

 

And one last thing: You are twenty. He is thirty-three. If you want to marry him so bad, remember that when you're thirty-five....he'll be 48.

ALMOST 50!

(believe me, it'll be more of a big difference then)

 

I hope something here will help. Bye!

 

P.S. It's not your fault in my opinion, it sounds like you were pushed away to me.

[Gilgamesh]

You do seem to have a bit of a problem on your hands, I many here in the forum may jump to the conclusion that your ex is a Mommas Boy.

this may not necessarily be the case.

 

It could be he is using his mother as an excuse, and what he really is afraid of is commitment. but then again maybe he is.

 

I am also very close to my mother, and also lived with her for a few years in my 30s. but she was never controling like this woman, and when and if I had a girlfriend/wife I lived for them.

 

I had a girlfriend once that left her ex for a similar problem, they were both in the Uni together, they both graduated, he stayed to take something else, another 4 years go by, shes expecting him to move on with his life, nope! he graduates then stays to take something else again, in other words he didnt want to get on with his life his "momma" was the Uni. secure, safe, comfortable. she left him. needless to say I got her on the rebound, but I did make her feel loved.

 

So in either case, whether hes a mommas boy or just afraid to get on with his life. you did the right thing by breaking up with him even though it hurts. my ex went back with him after a few years because he finally decided to get on with his life, he left the uni and started working. so her breaking up with him, made him a man. maybe what your doing will wake your ex up to his responsabilities to himself and to his partner. My mother loves me a lot, and there is nothing she would want more than for me to be in love and have a happy family with someone.

 

As for your suffering, its something you must endure, you need to have the mindset that he is dead, that you and him will never get back together, this may not be true, but its what you need to think, you need to heal, and move on, dont wait for him because he may never become independent. your young and will have plenty of opportunities, you deserve someone that will put you first in their lives. its ironic that you were dating an older man, but wasnt mature enough yet.

 

maybe a year or two down the line if your not in a relationship and he has moved on in life, who knows, but my bet is that you would have moved on yourself and found someone that will fill all your needs.

 

take care, and good luck.

[Rachelle_19]

I never said he was a momma's boy! I said I hope that's not the case.

 

All we can do here is offer you our opinions and views and our own values and what we think about what you said, and what we may do if we were you.

 

So just remember that in the end only you can decide what's best.

[ezila]

Run. Run far away and do not look back.

 

If he is this close to his mother now, he will *ALWAYS* be this close to his mother. There is no changing the dynamic of a mother-son bond, even after you marry the son.

 

I know this from experience, since I am constantly having to remind my husband that he married ME, not his mother.

 

Be strong. Move forward with your life, not backwards; there's someone out there for you. It just sounds like he wasn't it.

[HJCVS]

Thank you to all for reading and advising me.

 

I truly appreciate it. It helps me identify that the issue did not lay w. me but rather w. him.

 

I am moving on and it won't be with him.

[Gilgamesh]

Attn Rachelle_19

 

My comment about the Mommas boy was not in response to your post, if you look at the times of the post you wil see that while you were writing your post i was writing mine , you posted yours 13 minutes before i did, I didnt see your post until after finishing mine. just a coincidence.

[Rachelle_19]

There was no need for that comment. I could see before it was mentioned that my post was 13 minutes earlier. But it would be possible for someone to look at my post, and then 13 minutes later post something themselves I think.

 

Anyway I'm glad it wasn't in response to my post

 

If anyone happens to see this, they can say whatever cuz I'm never coming back to this topic again! bye