she's lied big, had a second chance, lied big again, pleading for 3rd chance

[anonymous coward]

who cares how or why it happened, it already happened and can't be fixed. You are already doing the right things so stay strong.

 

OK, still staying strong here. No phone contact since the therapy call. I ran the whole scenario by some older coworkers whose opinion I value (though I've never talked with them about things like this before) and they echo much of the help I've received from you guys. The most senior of them, however, said this really has to do with me and how much I can handle. He said in an amazing 5 year relationship, how important would the cheating during the first two months be? It's been 6 months now, almost 7, and since the second month of our relationship she's been loyal-- just continued lying about her true status during our first couple of months.

 

He said it's easy to see why someone would just slam the door and find another person, but, that says something about that person, too.

 

The truth is I see the humanity of the situation, I don't think she's evil or malicious and I don't hate her. I hate the situation, I wish our first couple of months were different, but this is how things are.

 

I'm still not communicating with her and won't for at least another whole week. But if she stays in therapy and continues to talk about and understand everything that led up to these bad decisions she made, I'm not 100% against trying again.

 

I think a really great test here is whether in 3-4 months she's not seeing other people-- if she is, then this whole thing is about her not being ready for a relationship. The lying was bad and wrong, and the cheating of course, but it was very early during our time together-- far before we were staying together every day. I do trust that since then she's been loyal and really wanted to just put her dating past and those first couple months of overlap behind her.

 

We'll see, I guess. But i feel better and more sane about the whole thing. It's not like anyone died here. How fleeting perspective can be at the start of trying times.

[iamanne]

truth be told, i am in the same situation like yours but mine involved so many hurtful things other than lying and cheating. I am struggling, trying to keep myself from checking out his online accounts, yahoo, FB, etc. trying hard not to call him just so i can keep my sanity intact. It's hard, really hard but I have no other choice but to step back because to me, it's emotional abuse to keep trying to fight for something. I always tell myself, if he really did love me or if he still loves me he won't do anything that he knows could hurt. yes it is very easy for some people to lie about some things but i guess they are simple being a bunch of self centered people, uncaring enough not to think about how the other person would feel when the truth comes out. the fact that you have been deprived of the truth hurts and it hurts even more if it happened so many times. I'd like to think I am strong but I know I am not. just in case you have time, read my post ( ), maybe it will make you feel better knowing that there's someone who is in an even worse situation than yours. i hope being 'incommunicado' will help us both, it's the only way i know how. i dunno if it will make him realize some things, make him realize my worth but I am praying that it will.

[orillia]

Wow, no kidding!

 

OP, do you really want to live in an environment of mistrust? My ex lied to me abotu so many things, I think I went somewhat bonkers. I was always trying to figure out whether he was hiding something. This led me to snoop on his computer, go nuts over him friending other women on social networking sites, make invalid accusations...etc. Not good!

 

That 1% that represetns the dishonesty-come on. Be honest w yourself. er cheating and lying is a lot more than 1% of your relationship! That can't be 99% good. You must be in a lot of pain and you're not facing it.

[orillia]

It's not right to keep hanging out with a former "FWB" when you're in a committed rel'ship, IMO. She acts like she's some victim who had no choice-everyitn g "just happened." NO, she choose to put herself in a position where she'd be tempted, and she went for it.

[iamanne]

It's not right to keep hanging out with a former "FWB" when you're in a committed rel'ship, IMO. She acts like she's some victim who had no choice-everyitn g "just happened." NO, she choose to put herself in a position where she'd be tempted, and she went for it.

 

I agree with you.. cheaters are like that, tryng to give the lamest excuse for cheating... my ex is like that too, he said i went overboard in doubting him and all, but the thing is, if he didn't do anything or never cheated on me, would I have any reason to doubt? haha.. it's a vicious cycle that just had to end.