MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 what a joke! he said when he left he wanted to reconnect with all his friends from his home town, and have fun with them, so he broke up with me and moved back there. so why did he spend last night, his birthday (!!!), on facebook?! i had already deleted him from my friends list but stupidly forgot to block him so i wouldnt see any comments on mutual friends pages. went on this morning and saw a bunch of comments on his aunts page. well, hes blocked now! 5 years together and he'd rather be sitting in his grannys spare room chatting on facebook when all his old friends are just down the road. if he actually did what he said he wanted to do, i could understand, but its all a heap of ****. Link to comment
boonpop Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 "this is my sense of reality, and this is proof of my coming of age." What does this mean? Your reality is exactly what you make of it. If you choose to be depressed because a man you were with decided to go home and revisit his youth and relive a stagnant existence, then your reality will be just as unproductive as his. Coming of age should mean that you are coming to a realization that the childish nature of your past is no longer suitable to accept. Friends are one thing, but many of us usually leave the nest, and our friends of old once we are strong enough to remain a float on our own. If he decided to leave your support and seek that support in family and friends already established then so be it. Consider yourself better off without him but don't let that small obstacle hinder your own personal growth. After all, this is your reality we're talking about here. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 it my signature. karnivool- all i know. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 im annoyed because it's yet another lie, one of the things i held most dear about him was his honesty. he was probably the only guy i have ever trusted completely, because he was so honest. turns out he was fooling me so now i feel like an idiot. Link to comment
boonpop Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 It wasn't a literal question. It was my way of letting you know that your reality and growth is right in front of your face. Don't let your reality be you stuck in the idea of what an ex is doing, or lying about. He has clearly taken a step backwards in self evolution so instead of feeling sad, upset or hurt at this fact, try with everything in you to move on and create another reality that better suits you. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 It wasn't a literal question. It was my way of letting you know that your reality and growth is right in front of your face. Don't let your reality be you stuck in the idea of what an ex is doing, or lying about. He has clearly taken a step backwards in self evolution so instead of feeling sad, upset or hurt at this fact, try with everything in you to move on and create another reality that better suits you. ahh i get you now, yeah im moving on, applying for new jobs, doing what makes me happy and fulfilled. its just very raw at the moment because its only been 3 weeks, and every lie that gets uncovered still feels like another emotional slap in the face. im sure it will pass in time, and im doing the NC thing and have blocked his emails so im not looking or hoping to receive any info on him. i will just keep improving myself, and soon he wont even be a thought in my mind. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Who cares hoe he spent his birthday? Maybe overall he's spending time with them or maybe not. Maybe he was seeing them later or had already seen them. I think you're way over-reacting and shouldn't really care how he spends his bday or any other day of the week. Bottom line is he didn't want to spend them with you and its time to move on. Link to comment
BirdOnAWire Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Right. My ex told me she wanted space to just be by her self because she's never not been in a relationship. She's in a relationship. Less than a month later. fml Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Who cares hoe he spent his birthday? Maybe overall he's spending time with them or maybe not. Maybe he was seeing them later or had already seen them. I think you're way over-reacting and shouldn't really care how he spends his bday or any other day of the week. Bottom line is he didn't want to spend them with you and its time to move on. thats pretty harsh. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Right. My ex told me she wanted space to just be by her self because she's never not been in a relationship. She's in a relationship. Less than a month later. fml thats what i mean, its the excuses/reasons they give for ending things, then totally go back on what they said. im past caring what he does, or who he spends his time with, but im left with the feeling that nothing he said was true, either during the relationship or during the break up. and theres nothing i can do, and anything i could do would make no difference anyway, but if i need to let it out its better i do that here than letting it out on him or keeping it inside. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Most people don't know how to end a relationship... and most don't tell the WHOLE truth because they are trying to soften the blow they know will hurt you, or because they feel guilty about leaving or because they dont' want the big drama and emotional outburst that might come if they told an unpleasant truth. So if he's decided he's bored or he's just not that happy with you, he'll make up a lesser excuse like 'i want to move home and reconnect with friends and not date anyone seriously'... or if he's spotted someone he thinks he'll like better than you, he'll say 'i think i need to find myself and i'm not sure we want the same things in life.' Reasons for leaving are not always so cut and dried, and hence what he tells you might only be a small part of that. And re: his birthday connections with friends, perhaps he went out and did something with them earlier in the day... a sports game or hiking or whatever. So looking into his life via FB won't really tell you the full picture and you shouldn't jump to conclusions. What you SHOULD focus on is that for whatever reason, he wanted out and left. Therefore he's not really a part of your life anymore so you just need to try to forget about him and look to the future and not the past. And take with a grain of salt whatever he gave as his reason for breakup... most people give an edited version of the truth at best, and their intention may be good as in not wanting to hurt you with the truth, or bad as in wanting to cover up cheating, but the reality is once there's a breakup, all bets are off with that person and you just need to let go and not let bitterness consume you because the person decided they wanted out. There's someone else out there for you, if you quit thinking about this lunkhead and move forward rather than look back. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Well first I would say you don't know that he is really lying. Maybe he didn't feel like going out on his birthday. I hardly ever go out on my birthday (I'd rather be home with family most times or out at a quiet dinner) but I go out on random days with friends. Maybe he decided to do that. And second, sometimes people don't tell you every single reason why they are breaking up with you. He probably had many incentives to move, including, but not limited to his group of friends. And he probably had many reasons for ending things with you, including, but not limited to his group of friends. I think it is a good idea that you blocked him and smart that you are focusing on yourself and no longer looking at his facebook posts. That is step one in the healing process (really cutting off contact and sometimes pretending the other person doesn't exist for a while...at least I've found that to be helpful when dealing with breakups). Link to comment
TidalWave Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Boonpop said it well. You're depressed, because you chose to be. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 thats what i mean, its the excuses/reasons they give for ending things, then totally go back on what they said. im past caring what he does, or who he spends his time with, but im left with the feeling that nothing he said was true, either during the relationship or during the break up. and theres nothing i can do, and anything i could do would make no difference anyway, but if i need to let it out its better i do that here than letting it out on him or keeping it inside. I get why you feel that way but I think it's probably not true. Just because someone changes their mind and no longer wants to be with you doesn't mean they didn't want to be with you at an earlier point in time, doesn't mean they ever lied to you. And you don't know that he is lying now. He probably did not tell you the whole truth about why he wanted to end things but wanting to spend more time with his friends might be one reason (probably not the main reason though). I don't think it's necessary or appropriate when someone is breaking up with you for them to list all of the reasons why or even give you the most important reasons. Sometimes a person just doesn't feel like doing that or feels it would be unnecessarily cruel to do that. I once ended things with a guy because I did not find him physically attractive anymore. I didn't tell him that because I did not think it was a nice thing to say so I told him I just didn't think things were working out between us. I did like him at one point and nothing I said to him was a lie. I just changed my mind. I have had guys do the same thing to me. I never got the real reasons why and I have let go of the idea that I need to know because it was driving me nuts trying to figure it out. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 ok, first off, im not depressed. im actually happy with the direction my life is taking just now outwith the breakup, because i am taking steps to make my life better, fuller and happier. the actual birthday thing was not the main point i was trying to make, its the fact that the only reason he gave for ending things with us was that he wanted to reconnect with his friends. even though he had gone to his home town for a week in october but spent the whole time phoning me and playing xbox. i asked him if he wanted to reconnect so much why didnt he go out with his friends then when he had the oppourtunity, and he never gave me a straight answer. THATS what annoys me. i used to think of him as the most honest, dignified straight up person i knew, but through the break up hes proven himself to be none of those things. i accept that peoples feelings change, they fall in and out of love, they want different things and thats fine, but until recently i have still looked at him as being a good honest guy, who just changed his mind. until all these little things keep coming up that have totally destroyed the thoughts i had about who he was, and how he showed himself to be. its not so much that i care what he does or where he goes, thats none of my business. its just a shock when you think you know someone so well, then you find out they really weren't who you thought they were. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Ok, if he gave you a bogus reason, then it probably means he is trying to soften the blow... no one wants to sit and look into the face of someone they may still care about and not want to date and tell them something really painful, like 'i'm bored with you' or 'i hate your temper and don't want to live with it' or 'i don't think i love you enough to marry you so why waste more time with this...' So i wouldn't call that dishonesty per se, because many people 'edit' the break up reason out of an attempt to be kind or stay friends rather than saying something they know would hurt the person they are dumping even more... none of us want to get dumped AND hear that the reason is we are boring or they don't feel sexual attraction to us anymore or whatever reason that is unflattering. So rather than focusing on the idea that he's 'dishonest', just work on accepting that he felt he needed to end it for whatever reason, and hence it is time to just let him move on and do the same yourself. the other thing that is important is that we all have our public self, and then our private thoughts and motivation. That is just a given with human beings, as we are very complex people. And since people DO change and grow, the person we once were may be very different than the person we end up being. It is best to ALWAYS keep an open mind and be looking and keeping communication open with a partner. But even with good communication, people can and do have an internal life that sometimes you don't know about til later because they are trying to put their best foot forward when they're your partner. So there will be an element of duality in everyone you date or for that matter, just with everyone! and it is often hard to perceive someone accurately when in throes of love... as is well proven, when you're besotted with love, you ignore all kinds of clues you miss due to your tender feelings... that is why many times friends will tell you something over and over like they hate the guy but you don't hate him til later because when you were with him you were so besotted by love and hope you ignored the person's true self. So part of the problem is him, and part you, if he turns out to be radically different than you expected. But really, it just sounds like now you're entering the angry phase with him because he disappointed you... this too will pass.... Link to comment
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 He broke up with you because he doesn't want to date you anymore. I know that sounds harsh and is painful but that's the reason people break up and the thing that varies couple to couple is *why* they don't want to date that person anymore. But the bottom line is that they don't want to date that person any longer. So, whether he chooses to spend his new time on xbox or sitting on facebook or home alone on his birthday really doesn't matter. I agree he tried to soften the blow by coming up with something that sounded reasonable and non-hurtful....which we all do for the most part because we don't want to hurt people we care about....it doesn't make him a bad person or a liar or mean that the whole relationship was a "lie". He wanted to move on and I think we mistakenly focus on "why" on and what we could've done better when those things don't really matter in the end. The reason it "doesn't matter" is that it doesn't make it feel better. Even when people straight up tell the other person "I don't love you anymore and I'm not attracted to you anymore" the other person is left wondering "why?". So, there's no "right answer" because we think the right answer would make it make sense and hurt less and there's nothing that makes it hurt less or make sense while we're in pain. In hindsight, when we've moved on ourselves and met someone else or we're really happy without them, then we say "Oh, NOW I get it....I wasn't meant to be with that person, because I was meant to be doing THIS". In the moment it just sucks and we waste a lot of time trying to figure out "why". The why is again simple... that person is no longer interested in making that relationship work. Link to comment
MissSMcc Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 yeah i understand, and i agree. whatever the reason was, and whatever he does doesnt matter. this break up is still very raw for me because i didnt see it coming, we were together for 5 years and i was only 19 when we met so if i look at it objectively, breaking up was probably for the best no matter how it happened, because i have changed alot and so has he. i think we outgrew each other. yesterday i just felt very sad, angry frustrated etc. and needed to vent it. sorry if i sounded like a whiney baby lol. i feel better today, i keep repeating it doesnt matter and distracting myself with other things. i am getting through this but its a very painful, and at times undignified proccess, as im sure a lot of people here know. so thanks to everyone for kicking my bum a little, and being kind at the same time.x Link to comment
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 You have no reason to appologize at all. I remember my worst break up ever and I could barely breathe. It was soooo awful and I just wanted to know "why". When they say "time heals", that sucks because you want to feel better NOW...not later!! But it's true....later on you'll be sooo happy with someone or just with your life in general and you'll see that this would not have worked out and maybe even thank him for making the move you weren't able to make by ending the relationship. It sounds like you've already thought about how you've become different people and met so young so you're already able to see how it's for the best. That's a small blessing to be thankful for today because it moves you down the healing path. Best wishes and really, truly know and believe that the best is yet to come Link to comment
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