minorissues Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Hello everyone. My question involves a work-related insecurity and how it relates to my current relationship, so I wasn't sure whether to post this here or in the careers or personal growth section, but figured this would be a good place to start. I have a bit of a minor issue which has begun to really bug me so I was hoping to get a few unbiased opinions on whether I'm over thinking and how to approach it. A bit of back story here, and please bear with me if it's unduly long: without going into too much detail, I work in a field which requires a license to practice, and the licensing process in the U.S. varies by state. I have passed the major licensing exam in both my home state and in a neighboring state, the neighboring state being a sort of backup plan if you will, but there is an additional minor exam which also must be passed in every U.S. state before a license is conferred, and the passing score varies by state. I've managed to pass this minor exam in the "backup" neighboring state too, so I'm all set and licensed to practice there, but in my home state, which is where I live and would like to stay, I've never managed to pass the minor exam and I am still trying to pass it. I honestly think I've just been too busy or otherwise distracted to ever devote a decent amount of time to studying for it, so I've finally resolved to give my all to the test the next time it rolls around; that's in March. In the meantime, I work in my home state in the same field but have been unable to practice fully because of my lack of license...so I guess it's safe to say I'm under-employed at the moment, though employed nonetheless. Anyway, I've been dating this guy for about three months, and he works in the same field as me. He's now licensed in my home state/state of residence, but also struggled a bit through the required exams to get where he is. In fact, we've had pretty much the exact same story, except he just happened to have a a few months head start. I once told him I wasn't licensed in our home state and he seemed pretty surprised and asked why not. I panicked for some reason and told him that I was just waiting on some paperwork. It was so silly. I don't know why I didn't mention the exam, but I just felt like I'd come accross as so lazy and/or dumb. It didn't seem like a huge deal at the time, but now I feel as though I've lied to him about something pretty major, my career, and because he is in the same field he may soon realize something is up. He knows I'm not licensed so it isn't like I'm lying about what I do or misrepresenting myself as something I'm not, but I hate lies and secrets and I want to come clean. I just don't know when and how. Should I say anything now, or should I wait until I take the test again in March? Assuming you were this guy, and you were dating someone in my situation, how would you feel and what would you think of her? Am I over-thinking this whole thing? Link to comment
thedude3000 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 If it were me I would understand if you told me that you had said something false out of being nervous or whatever and I can understand how much pressure you must be under just to pass all those exams. I would rather come clean about it and get it off my chest. It seems like a simple thing to me. If it's bothering you then fess up. If you want to keep the charade up and think you can do that without making things worse then make that decision. I think you are over analyzing this though in my humble opinion. Come clean and if he doesn't understand then I'm not sure he would be good in a relationship where much worse things can happen. Good luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Someone I know has been happily married for almost 20 years and after dating a few months he told her he had lied about how old he was when he finished college (he wanted to seem smarter so he told her he finished in 3 years). She wasn't thrilled with the lie but forgave him and moved on -she understood his reason for lying. Your reasoning is similar -you didn't want to come accross as less intelligent (and I hope he wouldn't think so!!!). Come clean and explain why and promise that you will not lie like that again and reassure him that you have not lied about anything else. And sincerely apologize. Good luck on the exam! Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Couldn't you say, "Well, since we talked about this I did get that piece of paper I was waiting for--and I flunked the test. I need to retake it in March."? Link to comment
minorissues Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Couldn't you say, "Well, since we talked about this I did get that piece of paper I was waiting for--and I flunked the test. I need to retake it in March."? Well it's a bit more complicated than that...in my home state, but not every state, the "paperwork" I mentioned to him doesn't even come into play UNTIL that test is passed. The state won't send you that paperwork to fill out until it receives word that you've passed the test. Sooo by implication, I'm guessing he'd assume the test is behind me, especially since I've passed the major licensing exam months ago, and most people in my field don't give much thought to the minor one, since it's relatively easy. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 Well it's a bit more complicated than that...in my home state, but not every state, the "paperwork" I mentioned to him doesn't even come into play UNTIL that test is passed. The state won't send you that paperwork to fill out until it receives word that you've passed the test. Sooo by implication, I'm guessing he'd assume the test is behind me, especially since I've passed the major licensing exam months ago, and most people in my field don't give much thought to the minor one, since it's relatively easy. I understand. Still works. If you believed you'd passed the test, then you'd believe that the papers would be forthcoming. You found out you didn't pass--so no papers. You don't need to go into details, so you don't need to lie. "I've been struggling with how to tell you some bad news, so I'm just going to say it--I didn't pass the minor test. I need to retake it in March." It's doubtful that the guy is going to question you on your calendar or split hairs on the details, he's likely more sympathetic to this stuff than you're assuming. If you do pretzels 'around' the truth you'll hang yourself. Just skip the preamble and go straight for the end result. If that 'sounds like' you've only discovered it since your last conversation, then so be it. Link to comment
minorissues Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 I understand. Still works. If you believed you'd passed the test, then you'd believe that the papers would be forthcoming. You found out you didn't pass--so no papers. You don't need to go into details, so you don't need to lie. "I've been struggling with how to tell you some bad news, so I'm just going to say it--I didn't pass the minor test. I need to retake it in March." It's doubtful that the guy is going to question you on your calendar or split hairs on the details, he's likely more sympathetic to this stuff than you're assuming. If you do pretzels 'around' the truth you'll hang yourself. Just skip the preamble and go straight for the end result. If that 'sounds like' you've only discovered it since your last conversation, then so be it. Thanks, cat. That's a good idea, and I'll probably end up doing a variation on what you've suggested. I'll keep you updated! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I wouldn't complicate this with more lies -then if he finds out he will be even more upset. All you need is a friend to innocently misspeak or for him to find your paperwork at some point, et. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 I wouldn't complicate this with more lies -then if he finds out he will be even more upset. All you need is a friend to innocently misspeak or for him to find your paperwork at some point, et. Saying "I flunked the test and need to retake in in March," is not a lie. It's 100 percent accurate. There's zero need to bring semantics into it, so there's nothing to lie about. Link to comment
gator12 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 We have to take a law portion and a national portion to practice in my field. If I was dating someone in your shoes, I would totally understand. I would just assume you were embarrassed, and I've bet he's done it before. But I would wait for him to bring it up. Hang in there, you'll be licensed before you know it! Link to comment
minorissues Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 We have to take a law portion and a national portion to practice in my field. If I was dating someone in your shoes, I would totally understand. I would just assume you were embarrassed, and I've bet he's done it before. But I would wait for him to bring it up. Hang in there, you'll be licensed before you know it! Thanks gator, this makes me feel a lot better! When I first met him a couple of months ago, I planned to wait a few more months to bring anything up (assuming he didn't bring it up first) til the results of the March exam came in (I'm about 98% sure I'll pass because it's not a tough test if one puts effort in.) But then this little white lie issue came up and I started to panic because I'm honest to a fault and dishonesty drives me up the wall. You're right, I think he's probably done it before because his licensing was also held up by this same minor test (lots of people take it for granted and fail due to inadequate prep, but even this group is usually done at the point I'm currently at.) Sometimes it's hard to gauge other people's potential empathy when one feels so inadequate in one's own head.... Thanks again for the input! Link to comment
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