How do I get Closure?

[kerrio]

My heart has been broken. Please help.

 

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me two days ago and I have fallen apart. We lived together for over 2 years and the break up was a shock to me. He has moved out all his things yesterday and moved into his friend's place. Meanwhile, I'm have to continue to live in our apartment because I can't break the lease. I don't want to be at home because everything reminds me of him. But I don't want to do anything else either. I haven't been able to eat and I could barely sleep. I lost 5 pounds in 2 days.

 

We started dating near the end of high school and had a long distance relationship for the first year of university. Towards the end of the first year, I couldn't stand being away from him and so I transferred universities, even if it meant going to a university of a lesser quality and disobeying my mom's wishes. After a year of being together at the same university, things were going great and we decided to move in together. I'm not sure what went wrong, but when he broke up with me, he said that he wasn't happy and that he's not ready to settle down because he still wants to have fun, party, and go out with his friends. This hurt me a lot because I have always let him do whatever he wanted as long as he would spend enough time with me to keep our relationship happy.

 

Right now, I can't get the closure I need and I feel particularly alone because all of my close friends and family are in another city. Meanwhile, he has a handful of friends who are there to cheer him up.

 

I keep thinking that "maybe" we will get back together. I'm certain that he still loves me. When we were saying goodbye after he moved out, it was very emotional for the both of us. He was my best friend.

 

So now I am just depressed and can't stop crying, and I want to know if there are possibilities of us getting back together. If not, I don't know how to get closure. I known that eventually I will get over this, but right now, nothing helps to ease the pain. When you share a history with someone, it is so hard to let them go because there is emotional dependency involved. Everywhere that I go, I can't stop thinking about him. I can't find a way to distract my self. I cry myself to sleep at night and wake up in a pool of tears. I don't know what to do. Help.

[Mswany7]

Dear Kerrio,

I think that you should give your boyfriend and yourself time. This is basically exactly what happened to me a couple of months ago. We have been together since high school and both go to the same university now. We were together for 4 years and then he said that he wasn't happy anymore. We lived together and thought that it would be easier for me to move out, but trust me I didn't want to.

I cried and cried, and we saw that we were doing the wrong thing so we decided to stay together, but not live together. We thought that that was our problem, but we were wrong. We have been trying to work it out, but it just isn't happeneing. Things that were said during our departing cannot be forgotten. For instance, you said that your bf said that he wanted to hang out with his friends more, my bf said that to me and said that he is bored with me. So now, everytime that we were together I tried to entertain him, like it was my job, but it isn't.

So now, I think that we have just officially ended it. Last night I told him that I couldn't take this anymore. He keeps messing with my heart. I told him that if someone loves someone and wants to be with them, there shouldn't be any doubts what so ever. I didn't need that in my life. So, I think that you should just give him time. I am sure that he still loves you, and always will, but give him time to find himself. Deep down inside you are probably thinking that you should do that too, but just don't want to give him up. I think that you should listen to your inner feeling. Also, it is not like he is dropping off the face of the earth. Fate has a way of working things out, if it was meant to be then it was meant to be. I hope this helps.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Kerrio

 

I am so sorry that things didnt work out for you with your boyfriend, its so very painful, and it hurts, i know, it happened to me and Iam still trying to get my closure.

 

Its only been a few days for you, you cant expect to get closure so quickly, its a slow healing process, like mending a broken bone. its painful and it takes time.

 

First thing I want to say, is dont blame yourself, dont think that you did something to cause this, your both young, and you may have matured into the person you want to be, but your eX has not grown into what he is to become, he is still experimenting to find himself.

 

He may grow apart from you, or he may some day realise you were the best thing he ever had. but you must know that its him, not you.

 

As hard as this sounds, you must move on, its alright to feel sadness, sorrow, fear and anger, feel them all, experience them all, this is all part of the healing, eventually they will fade away, the pain will be gone, and all you will have is fond memories, this is when youll be able to love again. youll have to do this even if he decides to come back to you, understand that the scars on your heart will not go away if he was to come back to you tomorrow! you will just stop the pain and the healing, and those scars will affect your relationship with him.

 

You must think as if you will never see him again, and that he will never come back, imagine he has died. do not contact him, do not call him or see him. whatever you do never make him feel guilty for what he did that will just push him further away. Dont go sending him SMS with messages of how much you miss him and still love him.

 

for the next few days youll feel like crawling under a rock and never come out, I was hit pretty bad, lost about 10 pounds and couldnt get more than 2-4 hours sleep at night, even now 2.5 months later, sleep is not that easy, because my eX is the first thing in my mind when I wake up. but the pain is a lot less now.

 

The bigger the heart, the bigger the fracture and the longer it takes to heal. remember you are not alone, I wish I was there for you to hold your hand or give you a big hug, to make you a bowl of soup. I really know how you feel and what your going through, and if I am surviving you can to.

 

write me anytime you need someone to talk to.

[kerrio]

Thank you all for responding. It makes me feel a lot better knowning that there are ones who understand what I am going through.

 

There's one thing though, because me and my ex-bf were together for so long, we have become best friends. I understand that I shouldn't contact him right now, but we had always promised to be friends, even if we ever broke up.

 

When is the right time to speak to him again? When I'm over him? The thing is, I don't think I will ever fully get over him because he was one of the greatest loves of my life. I think that there will always be a tiny spot in my heart that will never forget how much I cared about him. We promised to keep in touch when we said goodbye and he cried and told me that if I ever needed anything, to call him immediately.

 

I'm confused at how to take that because in my prior relationships (which weren't as deep as this one), we would promise to be friends, but that never worked. Is it possible to be friends?

[killer_bimbo]

My ex girlfriend split up with me for the same reasons. You just need to give him a bit of time. It is understandable for him to want to go out and see his friends and party and stuff, and I know the frustration of knowing that you never stopped him doing those things. In time, he may realise that he can have fun and party with his friends, and still have a wonderful relationship, it's just a case of balancing the two. As for contacting him, you shouldn't really wait until your over him to contact him, your probably not really ready to move on yet. Give it a couple of months, and if he hasn't contacted you by then, maybe text message him or something asking if he wants to chat for a little bit. By his response, you should be able to tell how he's dealing with the break up, and if he wants you out of his life for good or if he wants to maybe work something out. Trust me, he will still think about you, and I don't think his decision will be set in stone for a few months after breaking up with you. 3 months on from my break up for the same reasons, I had a friendly phone call last night, and we spoke for ages, and we've both decided that we want to slowly get back into each other's lives, and take things slowly and see what happens, with no pressure to get back together or not right now. That's as close to a happy ending as my experience can show you right now, but it kind of shows that even though he's broken up with you, right now there's still potential to work things out. He will be as confused as you are about what he's feeling

[cs20thcenturyfox]

Oh Kerrio, I know EXACTLY what your going through. My bf of 4 years also broke up with me and I too am still going through cry spells. One thing that seems to help is, to get out. Phone some friends, I know that nothing feels the same anymore, but it's worth a try. I too keep praying that he'll return to me because 4 years is alot! So hun if you wanna talk to me pm me or whatever, maybe just talking to others who like have broken hearts can help. It's helped me a lil so far

[the_01man]

Hey Kerrio,

 

If you can afford it, you should go and spend some time with your loved ones, friends and family even if it means leaving town. At least you'll have someone to talk to freely and you won't have to bottle up your emotions which is unhealthy. The first month is the hardest, you'll get tremendous urges to call him or email him, but it's better not to. I'm sure he'll call to check how you are doing. Whatever you say, don't ask him to take you back. Closure will come only after you accept the situation and FORGIVE yourself completely, I'd say a few months at least. Get some new hobbies, do fun stuff. It'll hurt like hell, but you'll survive, we all have.

[Gilgamesh]

Kerrio as for the friendship question. Its best to not make contact with him for a few months until you can get through this pain and healing, then afterwards youll be able to be a true friend if you wish. If you stay in contact with him now, you will never get over this, and you will be torturing yourself forever.

 

Yes you will have feelings for him in the future, but they wont be painful, so give yourself some time to patch up that heart first.

 

good luck,

[kerrio]

Well, it has been a few days over a month now and I feel like a different person. To recap, I cried for 4 days straight after the breakup and on the fifth day, I just stopped. Its hard to explain how the cry spells just halted, but it comes to a point when I would look in the mirror and see myself saying "Enough!".

 

Luckily, my co-workers were very sympathetic and were quite helpful in cheering me up at work. Every once in a while when I go home, I still feel a sense of loneliness and sadness because I'm returning to an empty house.

 

My ex-bf and I would chat on the phone sometimes and he even came to fix my computer problems. I know that I still care for him and I wish that I didn't. I want myself to be happy and get over him completely and start anew with someone else. When we get a chance to talk, he seems so sweet and that gives me hope of us getting back together, even though I don't want to think that way.

 

The only thing I need now are friends because I do not have many friends, especially close ones and I find myself having a hard time to try and make new ones. I feel really lonely sometimes.

 

So here I am, 20 lbs thinner, and 10 times emotionally stronger and I feel better as each day passes by. I haven't the slightest idea of what the future holds for me, I just hope that I find the happiness to replace the loneliness that I feel.

 

 

Kerri

[BazookaMike]

I don't even know you, but you are great. It is also great that you are still distant friends, I admire that.

[SwingFox]

Hi Kerrio,

 

Thank you so much for your update to us. It pleases me to read that you're doing so much better lately. Good friends, family and co workers helped you through all this, too. That's why those people are so important. It gives you the feeling that ... *grins* ... you are not alone!

 

It will take a little longer to get over him completely. You must have had deep feelings for this man. Those feelings will pass away. It won't happen overnight, but time will eventually heal your wounds. What's left after that are the good memories.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. As you can see yourself you're emotionally getting stronger. You may even feel better, being 20lbs thinner. I compliment you on your achievements so far. Good work!!

 

~ SwingFox ~

[zoyyaz]

Hi kerrio

Im glad to see you are doing better. I am now going through a similar phase to what you were, and it makes me happy tyo know your coming along really well.

Well done

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Kerrio

 

I am glad your feeling better, it is amazing how you can "snap" out of it, I also lost about 15 ibs, and couldnt sleep, after my break up, but one day, I got my appetite back, and the next thing you know I could sleep 7 hours again instead of 1-2 a night.

 

You may have little spells that come back once in a while, thats normal, they will happen less and less over time and become less intense.

 

Dont make the mistake of jumping too quickly into a new relationship with someone to fill that void we all have after something like this. Me and another person did that, and we almost ended up hurting each others hearts again, we werent ready yet. especially when one of the two is still holding hopes that their exs will want them back. I have gone past that stage long ago now. so we remain friends, who knows?

 

So please take care of yourself, you seem like a very nice person and should have no difficulties in finding many friends.

 

Good luck

[wannabehappy]

Thanks for your update Kerrio. I just broke up with my bf of 4 1/2 years and it doesn't make it any easier doing the breaking up. I have done nothing but cry for the past 4 days (the first couple were just knowing I had to break up with him). I still love him soooo much, but we have such different ideas on raising children. I'm glad to know my pain will eventually go away. I too can not eat (I've had 3 meals in 3 days), and am having trouble sleeping. I can not wait for the day when I stop crying and the pain in my heart is a little less. Thanks again.

[nickim]

Trust me it gets easier, it doesnt seem like it will but it does. Read my post its called did he or didnt he, then you will see my problem. We were together for 7 1/2 years and have been apart for 2 months and I still cry everyday and it still hurts like I cant even say, but there is always someone else out there who is better and will treat you better, it hurts this much now because you werent ready to let go these seem to be the hard break ups and the longest, but I believe that if you 2 split he wasnt your soul mate. Feel free to e mail me if you want to!! I lost 72 lbs in 1 month I didnt east for like 3 weeks if I did I got sick, I couldnt sleep didnt want to go anywhere, but once you act like you dont care everyone says thats when they want you back, I havent reached that act yet, but soon will.