A feeling of panic/really rough morning

[justaglimmer]

So last night I made the mistake of hitting the bottle. My thoughts were racing and after another night of knowing I wasn't going to hear from him, I had a little too much vodka and went to bed. This morning I woke up wayy too early, feeling icky and on top of that, having that sucky morning feeling of having the pain rush back. Now I'm tired, very moody, and my thoughts are racing yet again.

 

I started thinking about the qualities I really admired in my ex. His past, his strength, his future.. despite being someone who would verbally attack me, I guess I had a lot of lust for him. He's quite handsome, he's older and I like that, he has his life together, he's someone who most would consider quite the catch. To be honest, even if it sounds bratty, I liked the way he chased me in the beginning... by the time we got together, there was a lot of sexual tension built up. I liked the way we met, he came in to my former place of work one day and saw me there. He said he was too nervous to strike up a conversation with me, but later one of my coworkers told me that he asked her about me and said that I was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Unfortunately I had a boyfriend at the time, but he never gave up, and after many months later, we finally ended up together. It takes me awhile to really warm up to a new boyfriend but once I did, I was just as crazy about him. But eventually I had the wind knocked out of me. He held the past against me like crazy and was constantly angry with me, like I had to be perfect or else. It became an impossible thing to be "perfect enough" for him, so the relationship just exploded. I started getting insecure because I didn't feel good enough anymore... The insecurity was just one more thing for him to be angry with me about.. ugh, one big mess

 

I guess the fear now is that I won't find anyone as good as him (minus the emotional attacks, of course) I don't have that same job anymore, I'm a student so I'm basically just surrounded by younger college guys and I've learned that I want someone older, at least 25+. I live in a small town where there's nothing to do, and I don't use facebook or any other social networking (just a personal preference). How the hell am I going to find another good catch? Most older guys like that are taken around here, my ex was a rare find.

[SWEET_J]

Sounds to me like your focus is in the wrong place. You are looking for a new 'replacement' for him.

Your focus should be on yourself. And it sounds like he was not exactly a 'catch' either. A 'catch' does not verbally abuse others...unless you are talking about physical only. Even then, nice looking guys are a dime a dozen. It has been MY experience that I 'find' someone when I am not looking for them, and focused on other things. Get busy with your life, your hobbies and let the rest fall in place.

[iBroken]

I guess the fear now is that I won't find anyone as good as him (minus the emotional attacks, of course).

 

When I was with my ex, I thought she was the next best thing to sliced bread. Every time we broke up, I felt that I would never find someone like her. I would never find anyone as "good" as her.

 

As I processed the break up, I realized that she want "good". She wasnt even great. She took took and took from me. She was a liar and a cheater. I foolishly had her up on a pedestal when she had no business being up there. The rose coloured glasses come off after time and you begin to see things more clearly.

 

I have since met someone who already is better than my ex. She has all the qualities I want in a partner whereas my ex only had a couple of those qualities. Things are still very new with us however, it goes to show that there are others out there who exist, and others who are capable of being better than our ex's.

 

Just give yourself some time and you will come to see this as well.

[justaglimmer]

Thank you for your responses. Right now I'm not in a rush to find anyone else, in fact I'll probably take a very long time-out from dating. But of course, when the time is right, I'd love to find someone else.. I guess right now I'm in that stage where I know that I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life but I also can't imagine being with anyone else. SWEET_J, no doubt that you are right about things like this happen when you least expect it. After all, i certainly wasn't expecting my ex when he came into my life.

 

iBroken, congrats on finding someone great! Obviously I'm wearing those rose colored glasses right now, hopefully they come off completely soon enough. Its hard when you finally get with someone who has his life together, but he turns out to be just harsh and cruel.