The new "I need space, lets take a break" trend.

[_Ramirez_]

I have been reading a lot of forums like this one and this is a trend I see growing. The "I need space, lets take a break" trend. It seems to me that this is the new easy way out of a relationship, especially when the relationship is a long term one.

 

Tired of the routine? need some excitment? want to go see if the grass is greener on the other side? need to party and have fun? want to chase that babe (man or woman) at work freely? lets just break up... If you don't have any particular reason and don't want to look like a jerk just say you need space to think about your future and pack your bags. This small phrase is making breaking up with someone way too easy. The "its not you its me" excuse just found a replacement.

 

Sometime the "space needers" just stay around just in case they find no one else, just so they don't burn all the bridges with the one they just dumped, the one that was doing everything for them, the ones that have no clue. They keep contact from time to time, play hard to get, even have fun with them once in a while until your fun wear out or until you find someone better.

 

I don't think people should fall for that one. "Taking a break" should not be allowed, especially if there is no time limit for the "break". Relationship seem to have a 3-4 years cyble depending on people, if your better half is suddenly needing space its because he/she is tired with your relationship and want something knew. The "I need space, lets take a break" way is the less painfull one it seems and its repeated all over the place by the ones that can't take their courage in their to say that they don't love the other because they know them too much.

 

I know I won't fall for that one... again... because I did once and it felt like hell to come back from it... In my mind a break = a breaking up. Tell me what you think about this.

[OceanEyes]

if your better half is suddenly needing space its because he/she is tired with your relationship and want something knew.

 

This is true in some cases, but not all. Sometimes taking some time and space away from your boy/ girlfriend is necessary in order to sort out your own life and not always have to worry about relationship obligations. I just separated from my boyfriend (although neither of us were with anyone else) for over 2 months. Not only would we have broken up if we didn't actually take that time apart, but it gave both of us a chance (mainly him) to really see how important we are to each other.

 

I suggested taking a break because I needed him to wake up a bit. He wasn't showing me the respect and thought that I needed, but I knew he could. I knew he loved me, but I also knew that for him to realize how important our relationship was, that I'd have to leave him for a while.

 

Sometimes breaks save relationships.

 

P.S: The whole "lets take a break" thing is older than you and I put together.

[Princess777]

I read your post, and I understand what you are saying, however, unfortunately we cannot control others, the things they do, and the excuses they come up with to do them. In a perfect world, it would be nice to be able to say "we cannot allow this". But we do not live in a perfect world. It is as perfect as it will ever be, and it involves free will.

 

Unfortunately life involves changes that sometimes we cannot control, or they are a result of choices that we all make. To expect someone to lay out a perfect future with timelines is unrealistic and can only result in disappointment and failure of the goal of happiness. If you rely on any outside source to fulfill you or your expectations, you are setting yourself up for disaster and a lifetime of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

 

Yes, people disappoint us. They always will, inevitably at some time. I would try to focus on the things you CAN control, like the fact that you feel good about your own ethics and qualities, and that you would never want to hand someone that excuse. Good for you!

[_Ramirez_]

Maybe I'm still quite new to the advices forums with my own personal view on relationships but the sheer number of persons hurt by this amaze me. I guess you're right oceaneyes by saying this is older than both of us, except maybe if we think that the divorce/separation ratio 50 years ago is not what it is right now. Now people break up over trivial things and selfishness is more of the norm.

 

I think needing to take a break from the person you're supposed to love is somewhat a lack of respect. Especially if this come without a warning sign. It means the person you're with think a lot and do not share what he/she truly feel. The mask fall when they gather the courage to tell you go wait for them some place else for a while. I really do think its a lack of respect.

 

It happened to my parents too, my mother took her space for a year and moved out. My father felt betrayed by this because she didn't want to tell him why she moved out, only an enigmatic: "you'll understand why I do that someday". She was doing it to prove him that he could not live without her. Well it seems like he could and he found comfort into another woman arms. It ended up with a divorce. 20 years of marriage down the drain just to have some space and time to think things through...

 

Like you I don't think we can control anyone princess777, not even ourselves sometimes. What I think we can do tho is to make it clear to ourselves that if ever this happen to us we should not lose our self respect over this. People suffer from this behaviour, how can you make someone you're supposed to love suffer that much? Having hopes of a return makes things more painfull too. A clear cut is less painfull over time as its clear that the person won't come back and that the relationship is over.

 

I know there are ways to work things out inside of a relationship. You can relax inside a couple. You can think about your future while living in the same space. If you need to be some place else its because you want to do things that are forbidden in your relationship, you want to escape a life you don't want to live anymore. I know I would not trust my girlfriend anymore if ever she told me she wanted a "break" and moved out... How can you trust someone who need to run from you to do what he/she likes?

[Duderanomi]

Breaks are absolutely ridiculous. When things aren't going the greatest, you either work them out or you don't. There is no in-between.

 

It's also extremely unfair to the, shall we say... victim of the break since they become just some kind of safety net for the breaker if they should not find whatever it is they were looking for i.e. another lover, themselves, whatever other bullcrap excuse they come up with.

 

As for saying that sometimes couples NEED a break to work, I really don't see the rationale. What is it that a month of NC will fix that a heartfelt and honest conversation can't?

 

God, breaks are so ludicrous.

[kekep]

i have to say, when my ex dumped me a few days ago, he said "he wanted to break up for right now" but also said that perhaps we could be together in the future, just not soon. he also said he would not change his mind in 5 days but maybe 6 months down the line we could be together again. he just didn't know and was confused, but said he still loved me just not as much as he used to. i asked him if we could just take time apart but not break up but he said this was a break-up. that's why, while reading this post, it is unclear to me what the idiot was doing because i think he himself was confused about what he wanted. all i know if i definitely i have to see him in about a month because we go to college together and i have classes with him. so, whether or not he wants to, he is going to have to see me sooner than 6 months.

[Princess777]

I agree that people use that as an excuse when the going gets tough or when they see a so-called "better looking" suitor from afar. And I also agree that this is definitely NOT a good excuse for a divorce. However, if one is NOT married to someone, then, in my opinion, they are free to throw around whatever words they wish, unfortunately. Life IS tough and it DOES really suck sometimes, when someone hurts you. But you have to go into relationships not expecting something that someone cannot possibly live up to. They don't know what changes will hit them 5 years down the road, etc. I don't even consider being engaged going all the way to the limit of not being able to bail out. There is still the option of bailing out. That's why it exists. It gives the couple time to think about what it's going to be like sharing their lives together for the rest of their lives before they take the next big step. Better to know then, rather than after they're married.

 

Once a couple is married then yes, I feel that nearly every single argument, issue, and problem should be talked out and compromised, like two adults. Unless physical or mental abuse is occurring. But until both people are WILLING to MARRY someone, how can anyone expect the behavior of an ideally married person? Until they make that commitment, they're not ready or willing to commit themselves to anyone. This is a clear indication of where their heart is.

 

Age is a huge factor here. Someone under the age of (let's hypothetically say 30) usually doesn't really know for SURE what they want out of life, or what their main priorities are in life. If they do, they are likely to change as time goes on. Even some people after 30 don't know, and it does change through the years. This is something that cannot be predicted.

 

My opinion again, of course.

[StarBrite]

I would have to say i agree with Duderanomi. If you're in a relationship where both are in love with each other, you should be able to talk through your problems no matter how dumb or important they are. And if you can't talk about it then what kind of relationship do you really have? I mean think about, you'll have to explain to the person why you wanted the break in the first place which is pretty much telling them the problem so why not just talk it out instead of going through the break and hurting one or both people.

 

Thats the main problem with marriage these days. Get mad at your spose, file for divorce, except, you're hurting your kids, wallet(because they're expensive), and self esteem because you have to start over again.

[Duderanomi]

However, if one is NOT married to someone, then, in my opinion, they are free to throw around whatever words they wish, unfortunately

 

See, the people are free to say or do whatever they want, but if they still love their partner as much as they say they do, they would resolve the issues through communication. They should have the freedom to either stay together and work things out or to just flat out break up. Dwelling in between both of these ultimates is just using the break victim as a Plan B.

[shylah]

I think that the "space" excuse is just an excuse. From personal experience, it only means "wait around for me while I mess around so that way I have something to come back to if all else fails". Why can't people just say what they really feel?

[_Ramirez_]

Thats the way I think about it too shylah.

 

Our parents (I'm from the generation X) taugh us that their parents were doing everything wrong and they chose to break all the rules to liberate themselves. So if our grand-parents were doing everything so wrong how they could live together a life time and be happy together. Is THAT true love? Now more than 60% of the baby boomers have divorced at least once and most of my friends I know come from scattered families. Now we've learned that we can bail out of any relationship that we find boring (all of them are after a while) and we give excuses when we are not brave enought to really say what we want and how we feel. It would be assessing our weaknesses and the fact that you want it over just so you can be happy.

 

Wanting to take a break and needing space from a relationship just says it all for me. Just look at the number of posts that says "he/she wants to take a break, been 2 month and he/she is not coming back! What do I do to get him/her back?". Its cruel if you ask me and disrespectful.

 

Some have better luck with it, like oceaneyes, her break period was a succes and made her boyfriend realise how much he needed her... but its not the norm and it generally end up in a break up anyway and more suffering. I know I don't talk for anyone and its not my goal, I just say that I won't allow that kind of behaviour in my couple. If my relationship need a break then the time to end it as come. The moment one of the two persons in the couple stop making efforts is the moment the relationship die.

[kekep]

i definitely feel like because my ex has ended it, he is not giving to the relationship anymore and it is going to truly die. maybe the prospect of that is why these feelings are so devastating. i know we will have some kind of relationship in the future (be it romantic or friendship) but i almost want to take the idea of friendship away from him so he will realize he can't have me at all unless he makes "the big gesture."

[prowler]

Break...Sometimes a couple of weeks would really be of some use, i mean not seeing one another ect. But running around with somebody else would mean the end. Although if both like that way - let them be.And all those agruments for liberalism...But what we have on the hand is that our "self-restricted" drandparents still managed to live long and happy (at least mine). And i don't like those liberal relations of "who's-gonna-be-cooler" kind. I see nither heart nor respect in it. And that's it.

[kekep]

i'm now starting to think that maybe separation can be, , a sign that someone truly loves you. i mean, think about it. was the relationship going THAT WELL? had any problems been resolved between you two? were you communicating well? most people can say that by the time they break-up, they were fighting all the time and just plain sick of each other. i think that when a person says, "let's break-up," even though it totally sucks, time spent apart gives them and yourself an opportunity to see how much they miss each other and sort out their emotions. i agree that it sucks when the dumper is confused and says, "maybe we will get together later" rather than "move on, i'm over you" because then it gives the dumpee hope and causes them to hold on. that is my problem with my current situation, especially when he calls me and says he misses me and "have i been hit on? have i hooked up with other people?" seriously though, a separation gives you time for reflection and self-improvement, which will make you ultra-attractive to your ex. It also gives YOU THE POWER to control your emotions and make a decision that will make you happy in life, be it to get back together with your ex or decide to move on to another person.

[_Ramirez_]

I'm not sure taking a break from someone is a sign of love. A true sign of love would be to seat down and really listen to the other one for once, instead of listening to ourselves. Stepping on your pride and your ego is a true sign of love. Taking a break is only a way out, "just to be sure you are the one" they say, but I don't think there's such a thing as "the one". You work your relationship, it evoluate, it grows into something strong or something weak (you choose to make it what it is).

 

I would like to believe that taking a break is good way to jump start a relationship in need of a boost, but the more I see people suffering from it, the more I think its just an excuse I won't fall for. If someone can't take a break inside a couple then love and understanding are gone and its a break up thats needed, not a break.

[Princess777]

I wanted to add a couple of things. I understand your frustration and where you're coming from but I'm wondering if you can be open minded enough to think about something for a moment.... let me throw this out there.

"Taking a break" sometimes is necessary for unmarried couples in order to sort out feelings that are unclear when the person's partner is around. When you've got someone under your nose all the time and in your personal business, and the marriage vows have not already be taken, you need to get away from that when you still have the freedom to evaluate your life as you see fit. If no one ever thought about what it would be like to stay with someone forever, then we'd have a ton more divorces than we already do. It's better to take the break first rather than wait until after the vows are said. If we had guarantees when we went into pre-marital relationships, no one would even need to get married. Even marriage isn't a guarantee anymore, which is sad, but sometimes I think things happen to people that are just cause for divorce.... i.e. abuse, neglect, etc. But that's off the subject...

 

I think the "taking a break" excuse is used because it's most likely what people really do. They take a break from being committed because they CAN. They're not ready for commitment to that person. They cannot realize that until after they've BEEN with the person for awhile, and have seen how that person lives day to day.. they learn the partner's values, habits, and everyday lifestyle and only then can they MAKE a decision to either stay in that relationship because it's a good match, or they choose to take that break to think about how to proceed, or not.

 

I hope this makes sense to you...

[kekep]

i agree with princess. there are several books on how taking a break is actually a healthy thing to do for a relationship. i mean, think about it...there are so many couples who stay together without ever really thinking their problems through in an objective sense, and these are the people who are not happy together yet still feel too comfortable in the relationship to get out of it. i don't think this is the way to be. "talking about your problems" when you're in an emotional state solves nothing, because there are always ulterior motives behind what you're saying or what your partner is saying. for example, let's say you cheat on your partner and decide to tell them, but you think you still want to be in the relationship so immediately after telling them you say "it was a big mistake! i'll never do it again." well, maybe you're right about it being a big mistake, but you need to think OBJECTIVELY about WHY you would do this to someone you supposedly love. fear of commitment? loss of intimacy? lack of communication? if this issues are never addressed during the relationship, then you and your partner will continue to be unhappy and make each other unhappy. by taking time apart, you are allowed time to yourself to think, "now, why did i do that? and what can i do to change that part of myself?" or maybe you'll say, "I'm just not in love with that person anymore, so i was looking desperately for a way out." these are the questions that you can answer during the NC period, and that is why i believe time apart and space are GOOD things for a relationship. feel free to continue arguing with me though, i'll be glad to take it 8)

[Outlaw2747]

I think that the "space" excuse is just an excuse. From personal experience, it only means "wait around for me while I mess around so that way I have something to come back to if all else fails". Why can't people just say what they really feel?

 

That is EXACTLY what that means to me. Welcome to the boat. Just a grave situation made to look completely harmless and with good intent for something devious. Both guys and girls are guilty of this.

[_Ramirez_]

Well thank you for this insight Princess777.

 

I'll try to be open minded and say that I do understand that there are some situation where taking a break will actually save a relationship instead of finishing it in a painfull way. When the two persons that form the couple agree to it and discuss through it and make it clear why it is done and what it mean then it can become a powerfull tool into the hands of two mature adults who want to be able to get out of their problems to look at them and understand them to be able to solve them. Its true that when you have the nose in it you don't see the whole of it until its too late.

 

In the future I might agree to a break with my girlfriend if the following was clear from the start:

- Both must agree for the break: its simple, if one do not agree to this break then it will solve nothing and will build ressentment instead of solving problems.

- No secrets: Transparency, knowing the reasons (the true ones) of the break. Talking it through and agreeing it is the last chance before the break up.

- Keeping the contact: I'm not agreeing with the strict NC rule. If you respect the other one you just don't disappear for 2 months and then drop by just to say hi.

- Exclusivity: Since this is not a break up no fooling around should be permitted. This is a reflexion time, not a party time ticket.

- A time limit: I know nothing get solved in one day, but staying appart for 6 months before going back together will damage the relationship and its a sign one of the two involved don't want to come back in his/her former life.

 

The fact I've been burned by this a long time ago does mean I have a more harsh look a it and tend to judge this behaviour like a false excuse. A bleeding heart never fully recover from his wounds and most of us that have been dumped once this way lost a lot of self confidence in themselves, I know I did and it took me a long time to get it back.

 

We all expect to be dumped one day or another, sometimes it take us by surprise but most of us agree that once its over its over and we have enought sense not to fall into self-pity too long before moving on. When its clear that the other one will never come back and that there's no hope of a future with her/him then we are able to move on. Being left in a state of doubt/hope for a long period of time can be very damaging, especially if the person is playing with our feelings by going out with others while giving us the hope that maybe we are the one after all, that it will take a little bit more time to make their mind, etc.

 

I wrote this because the number of person on this board (and others) asking what to do with a partner who took a break only to fool around is overwhelming. I think we should all make clear in our mind where we stand before it happen to us, thats all.

[howtodeal011]

I really couldn't agree more with what Ramirez said. A break, rarely is mutal, so someone will always be on the receiving end. Time and space I partly believe is just an easy way out of a relationship. It possibly is a reason to help the bearer of bad news, lessen their guilt or what not.

 

Ramirez, the reasons you gave for accepting a break are dead on what it should be. You said it all!

 

Now, I just try to be stronger each day...as I get over the worst times of my life. Trying to accept the fact that the person I loved more than anything in this world may never be with me again is very painful. There is always a tomorrow...and if you believe in yourself, the future will always have something better waiting for us.

[Princess777]

Would you rather the person TELL you they need this break or feel pressured to stay in the relationship when they really don't want to as a result of all of your conditions of the relationship (which to me seem unrealistic when 2 people aren't married, but seem okay if you're married) or would you rather them just get so irritated with your demands that they run into the arms of another, and cheat on you, and then you find out THAT way?

 

Just something to think about. You cannot control others like that, I'm sorry to say. You wouldn't want to be controlled like that either. I am sorry you got hurt but you can't distrust someone new and punish them just because some other person was a jerk to you.

[howtodeal011]

I would rather hear one way or the other that the person wants to break up or still be together. Of course, I would not want to be in a relationship that was not mutal. However, it would not be fair to say I want some time and space if the real reason is to just break up. Time and space means hope for the one on the receiving end...and that uncertainty does not bring about closure or help to moving on.

[Princess777]

So this brings us back to the same basic excuse. The excuse is what it is, because that's what it is. They ARE taking time out to see what they really want. I agree that some people might use this when they have absolutley no intention of getting back together, which IS WRONG. But if they truly are going to take a break, then that's exactly what it is. If they knew whether or not they were going to get back with you, then they wouldn't need a break. Right?

 

I think it is unfair to ASSUME that some people use this excuse as a slithering way out and that they have no backbone to tell their partner it's over. Think about this: One person starts to question their future with someone. They don't know for SURE that this person is their lifelong partner, or that they can be faithful to them. So instead of wasting their time, they tell them they need a break to figure things out. The receiving person then assumes they're lying and they really just want to dump them but are too much of a coward to tell them. The receiver becomes angry, keeps bugging the person and pleading to come back. This shows the questioning person that their partner has no self esteem, and is too needy, and is also disrespectful of their choice for time out. This, in turn, drives the questioning partner away even further. Then later down the road they're so tired of feeling guilty of making the receiver feel so sad, they just end it. When in all actuality, if the receiver would have just given them the space they needed, the questioning partner may have realized that wow, this person can do fine without me, and can find someone else, so they must be quite the catch. That is attractive to me. I'm going to go back to them, I had a great thing. OR they could decide to part ways.

 

At least if the receiving partner respects the other's wishes, they can know in their heart and mind that they didn't drive their questioning partner away, and they can know that they handled it with dignity.

 

Just my two cents again.

[rich46]

Well said Princess777! I agree with you. My ex has said she needs space, and maybe it is wishful thinking, but I reckon giving her this space is the best thing to do all round. For me, for her, for both of us. I personally don't want this space, but I have insisted that we have a bit of No Contact during which time I hope she realises that she misses me and wants to get back with me. If she doesn't, then in a way Im glad ive found out while I am relatively young so I can move on with my life.

[_Ramirez_]

I think it is unfair to ASSUME that some people use this excuse as a slithering way out and that they have no backbone to tell their partner it's over.

 

I understand your position on the matter and you make some really valid points to accompany it. I understand that if ever your boyfriend ask you to take a break you will leave him alone and give him the space he need wishing that he sees how special you are and that he will return to you swiftly. You have more courage than I do if you permit that and for this you have my whole respect.

 

Sadly I still don't think I will ever "understand" the need for a break in my relationship, except if the "rules" for it that I listed in my earlier post are taken into account. I will never follow anyone blindly and no one will take me for a fool by leaving me behind them with my heart in my hands and my stomach in my throat. It might be unfair to assume that some people have no backbone, but can you say by reading the posts on this board, in this very forum that its not the reality? How many happy ending is there for couples that take a break? I don't see many. How easy is it to leave someone you're not happy with? its really hard and a lot of us don't seem to be able to do it without a valid reason, thus the "I need a break" excuse being so widely used. If you need time alone to think and if you need to be away from someone to see how special that person truly is (or how awfull for that matter), are you really ready to have a long term relationship?

 

Maybe the fact an ex did it to me and maybe because my parents divorced because of it doesn't make me a good judge of the matter but like I said, I'm not sure I'm alone in this way of thinking and it scares me to see how easily couple break up today. What happened to the belief that you could spend a lifetime with someone, I don't know, but even if everyone is looking for it, no one seems to want to make the effort to achieve it.

 

I've been in a relationship for 6 years now and things were not always easy between me and my girlfriend. Many time we had huge fights that would last days, many times we had enough reasons not to continue going out together, many times our personal issues set us apart. We went through ours problems together, talking all the way, communicating all we could. I could have taken a break, it would have been easier maybe, but we didn't and we came out of it really strong (as a couple). From 2 individuals we became a united family. I no longer fear that she will leave me for trivial stuff, I'm confident that we can grow together and meet the storm that is life as one for the love of our childrens. Hopefully for me I had a discussion about this with her and she sees things my way, so in my world I won't have to force those value on her and I can assume that when it will be over she will have enough back bone to tell it to me the way it must be said. I'm now able to assume that we are in it for better or worse and that as long as we talk to each other, the "space" won't be needed.

 

The fact that I will still see post saying: "She need space and want a break, please help me I'm hurt" will only comfort me in my position and will make me feel that whats not worth fighting is not worth living for. If you can't stand your couple while you're in it, you won't stand it while you're far. Only the fear of being alone and to have made mistake will make you come back to the one you just left.