Ex's using you as a comfort zone

[Ant1975]

Is it just me or does this happen to alot of people. I've been split from my ex for 18 months. We had a little get together at christmas but didnt really get together properly.

 

I have always done most of the chasing as I did want her back. I am still trying to get over her as the get together at xmas set me back from moving on a fair bit.

 

Now I've made up my mind to move on it seems that whenever I try to advocate the NC rule she will contact me. I know that as soon as she meets someone else this will stop. Basically I think I'm being used to make her feel better or she's checking up on me or is feeling a bit lonely.

 

Just wondered if this happens with alot of peoples Ex's. The impression you get is that they dont want you but dont want you to move on either until they have found someone first. Which will ultimately leave you feeling like s**t. I am doing my best to change this situation in my own mind so I become emotionally detatched when speking to her.

 

Anyone elses expereinces and opinions on how to deal with these situations, lets here them

[evepm]

Dear Ant1975:

 

My ex b/f and I did the friend thing after we broke up and it quickly became obvious that it was a major codependent situation. We were not together as b/f and g/f but the friendship made it feel that way. He was always asking what I was doing, where I was going and if my cell would ring he would ask who it was.

 

Until I did the no contact I couldn't really move on. I didn't call him and when he called me I didn't answer the phone. If she's not respecting your discussion for no contact, what do that say about how much she respects you? I think that your feelings that this is just a security thing are correct.

 

Cut the ties completely and I know that you will feel much better. I hope the best for you. Take care of yourself and your emotional health.

 

 

Evepm

[twizod]

I can really relate to this posting. I was together with my ex-g/f for over two years when she decided to end it due to wanting to move with parents to Florida. It has been 3.5 months of misery and seeing her a couple times a week as part time b/f(dont know what to call it). Finally, I got so sick of the constant stress and misery I quit reponding. It has only been a week so far but ANYTHING beats the misery I have been in for almost 4 months now. If something was gonna change it would have, time to move on.

[TrueHeart]

I can truly relate to that, Ant. When a couple breaks up, I think everyone has a fear of being replaced or being completely removed from the picture without reason. People, by nature, are habitual... and when you get into a relationship for sooo long, you get used to it... thereforeeee, everything becomes so comfortable-- a 'comfort zone' as you so put it... There are a lot of things that you'll do, that you're not used to dong alone... Movies, holidays... they just seem so empty without your partner.

 

I know that my XBF and I are on a comfort zone level. He is at a stage in his life, that he cannot and will not find anyone else who can stand him but me. Thus, he masks this reason, and continues to want to hang out, and at one point, use me for a sexual tension reliever. It wasn't until I really didn't like the whole thing that I put my foot down. Not because I found someone else or anything, but more or less-- it just became a moot point to continue the friendship when the feelings of BF/GF are still there.. It inevitably would never work, and you're right-- makes you end up feeling like crap.

 

Bottom line: NO one wants to feel rejected, replaced or anything like that. People don't handle being rejected at all well. I think she might be checking on you because she genuinely cares, so I wouldn't read too much into it because you might end up disappointing yourself in the end. If what she has to say is THAT important, believe me, she'll want to talk to you about it.

[Ant1975]

Thanks for all your advice. It's good to know that this seems to be a common theme. I think it all boils down to that they use you unitentionally to make themselves feel better. I agree that until you no longer care whether your ex contacts you and you've moved on that then you can become true friends as there will be no emotion involved.

 

Take this as a classic example of my ex last week. I basically said to her that I still had feelings for her and that I needed some time for me. She knew that I was away for the week and when I got back. We didnt speak for a week and then the day after I returned I got a call at 10 in the morning. She didnt even want anything specific but just to see if I was alright and what I had been upto.

 

I think as soon as they start to sense that you may actually be getting on with your life then they feel the need to try and pull you back. This only seems to happen of course when they are singe in my opinion. I am really only adjusting to single life and being alone after a failed 5 month rebound relationship. But at least I have faced up to the fact that I am going to have some time to be alone without relying on my ex for comfort.

 

Do you think that ex's feel just as insecure about themselves even though they did the dumping? Seems a strange way for them to feel seeing as it was their decision. Grass is always greener etc...

[ReneinDC]

Ant I can completely relate to this and this weekend after realizing just how much of an emotional couch I was being treated.. but I ended things and now he's contacting me left and right. We were each other's comfort food.. me more to him and I think he was just using me until he found someone else.. but I'm sure he would still try to use me as his therapist for his future relationships had I not put my foot down. We were doing everything classified as a "relationship" yet I wasn't good enough to commit too I feel a little panicked and scared too because I feel I have no one to talk to like I did him.

 

I know he's scared yet he believes the grass is greener.. I was the only one who knew his deepest darkest secrets.. he will soon realize that it's not easy to find someone who knows you inside and out and not judge. But I think that most ex's realize the grass isn't always greener when it's too late after we have finally moved on.

[TrueHeart]

There is always an insecurity on both ends. Anyone who says its easier to be the dumpee and not the dumper, or vice versa, obviously doesn't know what they're talking about, or has feelings as deep as a puddle. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and I can assure you its not fun on either side.. Being the dumper though, you have more of a driving force to want to move on because that person hurt you, so you got rid of them-- rather than being the dumpee where you may or may not be expecting the sudden break, and might be left at a fork in the road...

 

So even though for either party, the direction they want at the time might be clearer and more obvious-- the pressure and insecurities of themselves, and whether they did the right thing or not, always weighs heavy on their hearts when they find their own solitude.

[davo1066]

Ant,

 

in my (recent) experience the exact same seems to have happened - after dumping me she begged to stay in touch, kept calling me with her problems,then 6 weeeks later suddenly disappears off the face of the earth - can only assume she found a shoulder physicallly closer to cry on and doesnt need me anymore.

 

Don't let yourself be used.

[Ant1975]

I'm finding it hard really at the moment as I know that I don't want to hurt her and we haven't not spoken to eachother for a couple of weeks at a time. We had a 4 1/2 year relationship and have been split for 18 months. I really care for her and want to be there for her but my feelings are changing to this situation.

 

I don't really want to be harsh and turn round and say that I dont want to speak to her again (as I would be lying). I am just resisting contacting her and letting her contact me but at the same time I'm moving on in my own mind and trying to get on with my life. I should be over this by now and my self esteem and confidence have taken a bit of a knock this year.

 

After knowing this great woman for 7 years I just cant not speak to her as I care so much for her and her wellbeing. I have always been there for her and I think she is used to that. Do you think that NC will make her realise what she's doing and she'll decide the leave me alone for good. I dont want that to happen as I want her in my life, even if we aren't together.

 

I feel like I'm losing someone I care about even if I have accepted that we cant be together. I'm afraid that she doesnt feel the same way though and when she meets someone else I'll be dropped as a friend even after all this time.

 

Any advice would be great as I know people have had similar experiences.