Friend thinks it's wrong to be gay.

[Len]

My closest friend I've made, I came out to him, I told him I liked him. Despite all that, he knew I was gay ever since the day he met me. I am so grateful for having a friend like him because he's trying his best to help me come to terms with myself and be satisfied with who I am. But today he just told me that he thinks that being gay is wrong. He says he believes in the Bible, but that's just his perspective and I shouldn't care because he's just one person. I told him I had to care because he's really important to me. He then states he's done many things against the Bible ie sex before marriage and all. He's saying he is trying to fix that by becoming a better person little by little, but I told him, I can't fix being gay. He understood that but he still says that he views the gay lifestyle is wrong according to him. I'm trying to understand what he's trying to say, but I don't get it..

 

Even though it may seems like he's homophobic or what not, he's really not. He treats me like one of his closest friends, he's always there to talk to me about anything. I told him I get jealous when he's talking to a girl and he clarifies things for me to understand, he wants me to grow up being a man is what he says. I just want to hear from you guys though, despite all that, he says in his eyes he thinks that the gay lifestyle is wrong, I was offended when he said that and was like "so you think I'm a wrong being?" He answered with "no of course not, I just think that it's wrong in my perspective, I love and care for you a lot, you're important to me but that's just how I view it." I tried to understand him, there was so much sincerity so I had to. I just need help on what I should think of this..He's telling me to go out there and seek advice since there's only so much he can do since he's not gay.

[savignon]

It sounds like he's conflicted between his religious beliefs and his actual feelings towards you which happens often I think. I'd have a hard time being/staying friends with someone who said my lifestyle or orientation were wrong. Sounds like you still want to be his friend and he still wants to be your friend so you'll just have to keep talking about it until you come to some sort of understanding about each other that you're both okay with.

What do you mean by "he wants me to grow up being a man"......is he significantly older than you? And for how long have you liked him? It's interesting that he continues to be your friend while he not only rejects your orientation but also knows that you like him on top of that...??

I agree it doesn't make much sense.

If it were me I'd re-evaluate if I could be friends with someone who thought that of me/my choices/my lifestyle/orientation/sexuality/etc.

[Len]

He's actually not that religious at all, he doesn't go to church or praise god or anything. I did recently get him a tattoo as a xmas gift which states "Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hand for war, my fingers for battle." I didn't even think he was religious at all. And yes he is older than me by 7 years. I've liked him ever since a few days after hanging out with him which was for over a year. I'm just very confused atm.

[CatsMeeoow]

Is he feeling any pressure from you that you are gay and obviously attracted to him?

 

It would make me feel a bit awkward if a person I felt was just really good a friend truly had deeper interests in mind.

 

I can tell from what you right you are interested in this person for more than friendship. He isn't I assume? I think therefore he may be having difficulty resovling you as a person from your lifestyle due the pressure from you. You are clearly crushing on this guy and yet he is unavailable to you. Perhaps friendship or not you need to create some distance for yourself. You are going to create a world of heartbreak for yourself if you don't.

 

Hugs!

[gabriella777]

You get jealous when he talks to girls?

 

I'm guessing your friend is straight though, right?

He would never be in a relationship with you so what's the point of being attracted to him and getting jealous when he talks to girls?

 

He's supposed to be a friend and nothing more.

 

In my view, you're gonna have to get over him first.

Find somebody else to have a relationship with so you can forget about your feelings towards your friend.

[Len]

That is correct CatsMeeoow, we both have already acknowledged that and I'm trying to take that interest away because it's not healthy for either of us. I don't have a "gay" lifestyle, I'm just me living my life as a 19 year old. I just so happen to be homosexual =/ I didn't choose this difficult path. I told him that it's hard being gay and he's says "straight or gay life is hard either way, it's just sexual preference, that's all." I'm trying to understand him, and you're probably right.

[Len]

Yes, I fully understand that he's just a friend, but I can't control my feelings. I'm trying hard to get through this but all I'm doing is merely acknowledging it, and yes he is straight.

[savignon]

I agree that given the 2 big things here (1. He's straight and not reciprocating your interest and 2. he thinks being gay is inherently wrong) that it's time to take some space from this friendship. Ultimately you want friends who support and encourage you (by not finding anything wrong with you) and develop a relationship with someone who could potentially feel the same way. In other words, while he may be a great guy and we can see you really care for him, it may be time to make some other friends who can take a more prioritized role in your life. This guy seems almost like a mentor or guide or something which is a little faulty since he clearly doesn't understand where you're coming from. In addition to not understanding you the way you deserve, you're wasting a lot of your love/care energy on someone who is not and will not be interested back. That can drain our souls in ways we only know once we've been completely spent. You sound like a pretty mature and thoughtful, introspective person so I thought I'd offer you this to toss around a bit as you consider what you'll do with the information he's shared.

Best wishes.

[Len]

I thank you for your advice savignon, the option of finding another person who could reciprocate my feelings may be best. It may take some time, or a lot of time to even distance myself from my best friend for both of our sake, but..I guess it's the right thing to do. But..I love him so much, and he loves me only as if I were a little brother. He's the only person I can talk to, which is ironic because he's the person that I talk about when I speak with him.

[Lucy__lou]

This sounds like a toxic friendhship.

 

I know he's your closest friend, but I think a friend who is against a fundamental part of who you are is not a friend. By keeping someone like this in your life, you are not loving yourself. You have to draw a line. By allowing people to tell you that who you are is wrong, you are volunteering to be abused. Lose him. You'll be better off alone.

 

I just cannot see how keeping someone like him in your life won't undermine your sense of self worth. If you think it's OK for him to think you're not OK, then that sounds a lot like you thinking that you're not OK.

 

Each time you politely accept his negative messages of you as you are, you allow messages that you're not OK to seep into you. DO NOT accept this.

 

Just one more thought. If he's really Christian, to the point of being against premarital sex, then he's probably not showing you much of his heterosexual side. Sometimes when a guy is religious to the point of being not very sexual with women, it can send off wrong signals to Gay guys that are unconsciously read as 'Gay' which is why a lot of Gay men are attracted to homophobic religious nuts.

 

If you're only starting to come out, the last thing you need is a 'friend' who doesn't support you. Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.

 

That's what I'd do in your shoes anyway.

 

Good luck. And I'm sorry your friend (who sounds nice and caring in every other way) is a brainwashed bigoted religious nut job. What a shame.

 

p.s. crushing on straight friends who don't reciprocate sucks.

[savignon]

I thank you for your advice savignon, the option of finding another person who could reciprocate my feelings may be best. It may take some time, or a lot of time to even distance myself from my best friend for both of our sake, but..I guess it's the right thing to do. But..I love him so much, and he loves me only as if I were a little brother. He's the only person I can talk to, which is ironic because he's the person that I talk about when I speak with him.

 

I understand this and by keeping him as your "best friend" you are keeping yourself stuck in a lose-lose situation. Imagine the power trip he's getting (not in a bad way persay) that you love him, adore him, trust him, talk to him and ABOUT him all the time and he gets to sit there like a big brother and tell you he loves you too but "not that way" and incidentally "being gay is wrong".

Do you see how that leaves you stuck and not growing as a person? Consider distancing yourself for sure.....of course it will take time but in that time you'll learn more about yourself, accept yourself without that kind of judgement hanging over your head and meet someone who will love you in return (which is MUCH more satisfying that waiting for something that's never going to happen).

You're leaving yourself stuck by having him be "the only one you can talk to". Time to venture out. You're young and don't want to stay in this stuck place for very long....there's way too much ahead of you!!!

[CSLX9]

Dang hold your horses will ya! ^^ Here we go with the word toxic again.

 

His friend sounds like a good guy, it's his religion there's a problem with.

He isn't hating on the OP, but he's clearly torn, as the others have said.

Between his religious views and the actual view of his friend. I don't think

the OP needs to get rid of him as a friend entirely, since his friend isn't

telling him the really nasty things, but merely saying that since he is a Christian,

he can't - if he wishes to follow the bible - agree much with homosexuality.

Brainwashed, well.. That we can agree more on. But that's another discussion.

 

In a way... Homosexuality isn't normal, if you look at it from the perspective

of nature. I'm a bit like, I feel as though something has to some degree gone

wrong, in the brains of people who are homosexual, so that they preffered people

from the same sex. However... That doesn't mean I hate them. I'm sourrounded

by many homosexuals in fact. I think I know what his friend meant with gay

lifestyle. Because I've seen it and it's not very appealing at all.. These men and

women who do seem a bit crazy to me, with partying now and then, kind of, only

kind of, showing off that they are gay. Men who wear exagerated clothes and

seem terribly feminine and oddly, women who seem terribly masculine. . . It's

hard to properly describe though.

 

Also, what he said about that he wants you to grow up being a man, maybe it's

meant like that being gay isn't very manly.. Which I do agree on, but it depends

how you carry yourself.

 

OP it would help you alot if you could find other like-minded individuals.

Today, there are so so so many groups and organisations, that seek to promote

homosexuality as just another facet of being a human being and groups whom

will support you, because they know how tough it can be coming out.

[JazzTheme]

Just one more thought. If he's really Christian, to the point of being against premarital sex, then he's probably not showing you much of his heterosexual side. Sometimes when a guy is religious to the point of being not very sexual with women, it can send off wrong signals to Gay guys that are unconsciously read as 'Gay' which is why a lot of Gay men are attracted to homophobic religious nuts.

 

I agree with Lucy. Even if your friend could possibly have a change in feelings for you (which is not at all likely), there are a lot of things about him that you're not seeing.

[lukeb]

I think it is wrong to look at it from the perspective that your friend thinks being gay is wrong. From what I can gather there were no problems until you told him that you "liked" him in other words that you are attracted to him. He has every right to feel awkward about that, I think I would be too. To me that is the central issue here, the OP changed the dynamic of the friendship here. What you are in effect saying is I don't want to be friends, I want to jump your bones, but since you don't want that, I will settle with being friends.

 

You may think that you are friends, but you stopped being friends with him when you started having feelings for him. It is a lose-lose situation, its best to go your separate ways. Chances are you don't want to do that, what you are doing is bargaining, you're taking as much as you can get from this guy, but that is not friendship.

[Len]

Oddly, I want to believe what lukeb says is true. I have considered the fact that he's been feeling awkward about me ever since I told him my feelings, yet he tries to stay cool about it. Oh and sorry I made it seem like he's christian and all, but he's not even really religious at all, he could actually care less, just that he believes the Bible he states (Probably makes no sense). I don't want to go into a group of like minded people, I'm just not that sort of person. I really just want to get rid of my feelings for him, and still stay friends, I can't distance myself, he needs me..or rather I need him. I'll talk to him soon, but I want to know what I should ask for clarification of what he thinks of me and my orientation..any advice on that?

[Shyguy20]

Just ask if he feels weird when you told him that you had feelings for him.

[Talulah]

I agree with Lucy__lou, you need to distance yourself from this man he is no good for your self worth. He is not the only person you can talk to, he is probably the only person you want to talk to since you are attracted to him. This friendship is only going to hurt you in the long run as he is rejecting you. Find another friend or counsellor you can talk to about coming out. Be proud of yourself and don't let homophobic people put you down, they are the ones with the problem not you. Take care buddy.

[FathomFear]

There's a few issues here. I'd advise that you separate them.

 

1) You need to get over the feelings of jealousy when he talks about women. Yes, you might have a crush on him. It's common to develop crushes on straight people. The trick is to recognize that and try not to let those feelings interfere with your friendships--but if you do, they will often ruin them.

 

2) Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that some people have religious convinctions against homosexuality. One of my best friends from high school, for example, thinks I'm going to burn in Hell for eternity. He's not mean about it, though, and doesn't linger on it. It's just a view that he has which he feels is necessitated by his faith. If you can't handle people like this then it's up to you to remove yourself from their company; there's not much point in trying to force them to change. That would be just as disrespectful as them trying to change you.

[FathomFear]

In a way... Homosexuality isn't normal, if you look at it from the perspective of nature. I'm a bit like, I feel as though something has to some degree gone wrong, in the brains of people who are homosexual, so that they preffered people from the same sex. However... That doesn't mean I hate them.

 

If it's "something gone wrong", then it has "gone wrong" in approximately ~1500 other observed species.

 

Typically speaking, people who think homosexuality is against nature tend to have a very poor and/or amateurish understanding of biology. They think that the only way genes survive is through direct reproduction. In reality, as any biologist will tell you, it's far from the only way. If you contribute to the survival of a sibling or the children of your siblings, for example, you are ensuring the survival of your genes via kin selection. But anyway, I digress.

[lavenderdove]

>> I told him I get jealous when he's talking to a girl

 

Ok, this is really important. It means you want him as more than a friend and are having romantic feelings for him. He's told you he's not gay, AND he thinks it is wrong to be gay, so you're barking up the wrong tree with him if you are seeing him for anything other than strictly friendship.

 

If you are fantasizing about him and he is keeping you from dating other guys, then you probably need to break this friendship off because you are wasting your time falling in love with him, and you need to find another gay man who does want to be with you rather than just hanging around a guy who is not gay and doesn't believe you should be gay. He might make an OK friend, but don't fantasize about more than that.

[Len]

I was just talking to him on the phone and I asked him if he feels awkward when he's around me, he says "whatever you say or do won't ever change our friendship, we're best buds." I also asked him again what he thought about me being gay and he says, "that's not a lifestyle I'd choose because I'm not gay, so of course in my eyes it's incorrect, just like if it were wrong for you to choose the straight life." I asked him how religious he was and he's not really all about God and Jesus and such he says you just need some sort of faith. Although he believes in the Bible, he also states that it's very contradicting. I said that being gay is a disease and he agreed and then right after said "haha I was just joking with you man it's not a disease." Then he goes on saying that being addicted is a disease because he's a drug addict as well as an example or so =/. I guess you can say all is well now, except for the fact I still like him. I bluntly told him, I don't like you anymore. He instantly truthfully jokingly said "yeah you do." I'm trying to find ways to not like him haha..ha..

[JazzTheme]

Your friend is a pretty good person, inconsistent, unassuming, and not particularly stupid or particularly intelligent. He will not be the one to put distance between you. You will need to be the one to create that distance if you want it.

[ceez]

I think your friend was just freaked out a little when you told him you liked him.

[lavenderdove]

Well, you can like him all you want but that's not going to make him gay, and hanging around a straight guy crushing on him is just a waste of time... and the more time you spend with him the more you fall in love, then it is really an unhealthy thing to do.

 

If you want to 'like' him less, then start focusing on other people and things and don't spend a lot of time with him. Just refocus yourself on things that will pay off rather than someone you know will never be gay nor pan out for you... why waste your time?

[lukeb]

Well, you can like him all you want but that's not going to make him gay, and hanging around a straight guy crushing on him is just a waste of time... and the more time you spend with him the more you fall in love, then it is really an unhealthy thing to do.

 

If you want to 'like' him less, then start focusing on other people and things and don't spend a lot of time with him. Just refocus yourself on things that will pay off rather than someone you know will never be gay nor pan out for you... why waste your time?

 

You're absolutely right, the reason why he is wasting his time because right now he will take whatever he can get. He thinks that if at least he can be friends with him it is better than nothing. Really he is better of without him, but it is doubtful the OP will see it that way.