Friend thinks it's wrong to be gay.

[Talulah]

Well Len, I'd still be staying away from him.. don't know that all is well now as you said in your last post.. I think he is getting some sort of gratification out of seeing you having a crush on him.. are you sure he doesn't have some dependency on you also that allows him to overlook that you are gay (wrong in his view). If he is a drug addict and you are not I assume, then move away from him hang out with people who accept you for what you are and are not on drugs. Hang out with some gay friends and you might meet a really nice guy that can reciprocate your feelings, this would be so much better for your development and moving into the life you want. Take care.

[Len]

I had a long talk with him yesterday, I asked him if he'll accept me for who I am and he says he's always been accepting, he claims he knew I was gay the moment I met him. He'll accept me for whatever I am and I feel very grateful for that. I suggested what you guys have said that distancing myself would be a good idea, but he wouldn't have it, he says he'd rather me see a psychiatrist. I'm still having a hard time trying to identify myself as a gay. I want to be happy with who I am, but I also keep thinking I shouldn't be happy being gay which is why I'm stuck in this barrier.

 

I guess I clarified with him yesterday that he's a christian and believes in the Bible, but that's only cause he says he needs faith after all he's been through and that's how he was raised. He says that God is a forgiving god, people will sin all the time, and he'll forgive. Basically he was saying it's ok to be gay as long as I don't have sex with men which is a sin. I questioned everything so I replied with, "So God made me gay as a trial on earth and if I succeed I will go to the Kingdom of Heaven? That's unfair. See, I believe in God, but I do not believe in the Bible. That damn book written by who knows has probably ruined a lot of lives, but also saved many. I mean he says he could care less what I believe in, it doesn't effect him, he says what he does care for is my well being and would help me in any way possible. I just hate that he has this face and personality that's just too irresistible. I really do need to see a psychiatrist though. And everyone is correct in a way, I guess I do take whatever I can get, I mean he is a friend, a very close friend. I can't just distance myself like he means nothing, even though it'll be better for my health, there must be a way to manage without growing apart.

[JazzTheme]

You don't have to break it off entirely. It would be a good idea to distance yourself from him for the time being, though.

[Lucy__lou]

I suggested what you guys have said that distancing myself would be a good idea, but he wouldn't have it, he says he'd rather me see a psychiatrist.

 

Why would he suggest that you see a psychiatrist? That suggests he thinks you're mentally ill. I hope he's not saying that you need to see a Psychiatrist for being Gay. Psychiatrist used to give people electric shock therapy but Shock therapy for being Homosexuali was outlawed decades ago when science discovered Homosexuality is something you can't change, and that it's normal and healthy, and not an illness.

 

The only thing that you've written that suggests you might need any professional help is the fact that you continue to let this guy get away with saying that God doesn't accept you as 'he' made you.

 

I'm still having a hard time trying to identify myself as a gay. I want to be happy with who I am, but I also keep thinking I shouldn't be happy being gay which is why I'm stuck in this barrier.

 

Everyone deserves to be happy. You have every reason to be happy as you are, who you were born. Being Gay is part of who you are, so if you don't love yourself in all your Gayness, then you don't love yourself. The world needs all it's Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual, and every other sexual minority in it. The world would be a worse place without us. Why wish for a dreary, homogenous world? it makes no sense. If no LGBT people were ever born, we never would have had Oscar Wilde, Abraham Lincoln, Liberace, Elton John,

Andy Warhol, David La Chapelle, Divine, Elenor Roosevelt ad infinitum. (approximately 1 in twenty people in the universe - who as Red (deadsider) says tend to have a higher than average awesomeness per capita ratio.

 

He says that God is a forgiving god, people will sin all the time, and he'll forgive.

Yes, but being Gay doesn't require forgiveness. Being mean, harming others, that requires forgiveness. Telling a someone that you're their friend, and that you care for them, and then telling them that they are a sinner if they ever have sex with someone of the same gender? that requires a LOT of forgiveness, because those are HARMFUL words to tell someone who trusts you.. Being Gay, and having consensual sex with other men? that requires no forgiveness, because there's NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!

 

Basically he was saying it's ok to be gay as long as I don't have sex with men which is a sin.

 

If he says he accepts you as you are, but then he turns around and says that it's a sin to have sex with men, then he is contradicting himself. He wants you to go without sex for the rest of your life? what kind of friend wishes that upon someone they say they care about?

 

I believe in God, but I do not believe in the Bible. That damn book written by who knows has probably ruined a lot of lives, but also saved many.

 

apparently the bible also condones slavery, and is against eating lobster... Dan Savage talks about it in this interview here:

 

 

 

you might also get something out of this Christmas message from Comedian Ricky Gervais

 

/

 

I mean he says he could care less what I believe in, it doesn't effect him, he says what he does care for is my well being and would help me in any way possible.

I would argue that being told that you will be a sinner if you enjoy a healthy adult sex life which harms NO ONE that that message is contrary to your wellbeing. He doesn't seem to realise that saying those things is harmful.

 

I really do need to see a psychiatrist though.

you don't need to see a psychiatrist. Why do you think you need to see one? If you want to talk to someone, talk to a Gay friendly counsellor/therapist, or an understanding, Gay friendly friend if you have any, but Psychiatrists administer drugs. What do you need drugs for? you don't sound sick.

I can't just distance myself like he means nothing, even though it'll be better for my health, there must be a way to manage without growing apart.

 

Whatever you do, you've got to stand your ground. Don't let the negative and hateful messages he's (ever so sweetly and caringly) telling you seep inside and make it harder for you to accept yourself, right when you're trying to come out.

 

Best of luck. You sound like you're making some progress here. Just know you're not a sinner. (Personally, I don't even believe in God. Like Ricky Gervais says, no religeon has dibs on being good. And you don't need to believe in God, or be bribed by promises of heaven to practice kindness, love and forgiveness.

 

 

[Len]

Thank you so much for your post Lucy_Lou, it made me feel a lot better and those links helped greatly, thank you. My friend recommended me to go see a psychiatrist not because he thinks it's wrong being who I am, but because I'm having a hard time accepting myself. He accepts me and I told him that since he's so important to me, I value what he thinks of me terribly and he tells me not to worry because he would never think negatively of me, no matter what path I choose, as long as it's not down the road of drugs and addiction. I'm a drug/alcohol free kid and if I did any of that he'd kick my ass I'm putting myself in his shoes and I'm sure it's very hard for him to try to make things better for me without offending me in any way. He just keeps saying that he just doesn't agree with the gay lifestyle, which I can be respectful about, but I want him to agree so that it'll be ok for me to feel the way I want to freely. I told him this and he says he's just one person, there are 6 billion people in the world who agrees, I just can't because of the way I was raised. Can I just pass this off as one of those things best friends doesn't agree with like any other disagreements?

 

And the it gets better project link too really helped

[Capricorn3]

Ok, this is really important. It means you want him as more than a friend and are having romantic feelings for him. He's told you he's not gay, AND he thinks it is wrong to be gay, so you're barking up the wrong tree with him if you are seeing him for anything other than strictly friendship.

 

If you are fantasizing about him and he is keeping you from dating other guys, then you probably need to break this friendship off because you are wasting your time falling in love with him, and you need to find another gay man who does want to be with you rather than just hanging around a guy who is not gay and doesn't believe you should be gay. He might make an OK friend, but don't fantasize about more than that.

^^ THIS! I agree. There's no point in hoping he'll be with you, because he won't. He's straight and in ain't gonna happen.

 

Also, you said: " he's says "straight or gay life is hard either way, it's just sexual preference, that's all." - he's right. Just because your sexual preference happens to be different to his, doesn't mean his or your life is harder.

[wantingyou898]

Don't worry, there are many people, like me, that are going through this and I know it's difficult to go through it because though u have strong feelings for him, he doesn't have them for you. Sorry to hear about this problem and I wish I could help but I myself am in a similar problem just a step behind you because I haven't some out to this guy yet.

[lukeb]

This is pretty heavy stuff for a friendship. If you have a hard time accepting being gay then that would also cloud how you perceive how your friend sees you. If not distancing yourself from him, I would distance yourself from this topic with your friend. I don't think it is doing yourself a lot of good rehashing this over and over with him.

 

He is not going to be the one who is going to make you feel better about yourself, an unspoken acceptance of who you are between the two is the best thing you can hope for.

[Lucy__lou]

I suggest you try to detach yourself emotionally from him in any situation which relates either to your sexuality, or to your attraction to him. It sounds like he's very supportive in other areas, just remember that he's incapable of being supportive with anything to do with your romantic life, and for you to be talking to him about your crush on him would be inappropriate even if he weren't anti Gay.

 

I suggest you reach out your tentacles to get yourself as much emotional support as you need (both for dealing with your self acceptance, and dealing with your crush). I just did a quick google search to see if you have any telephone counselling in the US (which is where I'm guessing you are?) and I found this link removed

 

I suggest you use it. Talk as much as you can to people who will support you. Non bigoted trusted adults, friends, a therapist, whoever. Talking is good. Come here and talk to us. Immerse yourself in Gay TV shows, magazines, music and culture. It will help remind you that you're normal as you are.

 

and let us know how you go