NC question....kinda long....

[liferedo]

My girlfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago after a year together. And had zero contact after I went and got my things. It was a train wreck. But we were both deeply in love. This was soulmates status.

 

So after a few weeks, I contacted her. She was kinda standoffish at first and obviously confused. We both thought the breakup was hasty but there were things said and done that need to be reconciled before we can even think about getting back together. SO I had suggested that at some point we should get together and discuss. She said she was still confused and needed time. I never mentioned it again. Three days later she asked me to get together and talk. So I agreed.

 

Sunday night we talked for hours. Took breaks, went and got dinner. Went for walks and talked about things other than our relationship in between. After talking about the things that had happened, and coming up with soutions, it was late, she laid her head in my lap with a pillow. Eventually we were laying side by side, and one thing leads to another and we ended up making love to one another in the bedroom.

 

Here we are a few days later and she is back to being short with me, telling me she is confused, questions what we did the other night etc. I know she is confused, so am I.

 

Here is the question. Do I initiate the No Contact strategy, or do I continue talking to her? I do love this woman. I believe she loves me? But I feel like she is dragging out the drama and wants me to beg forgiveness when we are both at fault for what happened. It truly was a big miscommunication that broke us apart. Its heart breaking.

[zpivat]

Yes I do believe she still does love you too.

 

NC would be good, but I don't think it's really necessary to use it full force. What I am saying is, do cut some contact, but then say hello once in a while, once every 2 or 3 weeks, I think. Also don't forget to keep the conversations light.

[Miranona]

Yeah, I think you should go for the NC rule. After all, you do feel like she loves you too, so it shouldnt be a problem. But right now shes confused, so she needs to have her time alone and work things out in her head. I suggest you dont wait around for her tho, because if she really does love you then, she'll let you know when her thoughts are cleared.

 

but then again, when you love someone...then you shouldnt be confused. having sex with you probably meant to her, "gettin back" or at least potentially, and i dont think she wants that right now.

 

But it shouldnt really matter what she wants, but what YOU want. Do you want to be with someone who is confused and dramatizing? Dont try to fight the demons in her head, because you wont win. If there was a reason to break u apart, that reason will forever remain there. If you love her so much, then you should understand that there is a possibility that you might not get back (not trying to shatter your hopes tho) because when someone is confused, then it questions the entire relationship and you, you tend to live in a fantasy...you tell yourself that hey, i love her, i feel that she loves me, just confused right now. It barely works out when someone's confused, when theres doubt, or a split second thought of confusion...RED ALERT.

dont fantasize on her waking up and realizing...hey, im in love with this guy, rather for you to wake up and be like...I need to open my eyes.

[liferedo]

She sent me a long letter today apologizing for the way she has been acting. And that our argument that broke us up turned into a childish game. And that she feels the way she acted afterwards was childish and that we are both above that. She said she isnt excusing what either of us said, but feels as adults we can use them as a tool to better understand one another. She said she understands that the things that were said were in the heat of a power struggle. And she feels we chose to break it off as an easy way out.

 

Should I respond?

[RayKay]

She sent me a long letter today apologizing for the way she has been acting. And that our argument that broke us up turned into a childish game. And that she feels the way she acted afterwards was childish and that we are both above that. She said she isnt excusing what either of us said, but feels as adults we can use them as a tool to better understand one another. She said she understands that the things that were said were in the heat of a power struggle. And she feels we chose to break it off as an easy way out.

 

Should I respond?

 

Yes, I DEFINITELY think you SHOULD respond, as I think she has had some time to think things through more. She is certainly approaching it more rationally (rather than emotionally) now, and I really think you should do much the same. I think this can be the start to a healing conversation. Be very careful though, do NOT say anything that could cause her to get defensive or angry (DO NOT say anything/bring up anything that could sound like blame/anger). It is okay to convey that you care, but do not get overemotional. Reconciliation has to have a logical, planning component - it is not like the first time you met when it all just happened! And it should not be, because you need to demonstrate you have learned from your mistakes, and are approaching it with a clear head (not fear of loss, etc).

 

I think it is okay to write something back to open it up a bit, but being able to talk in person if you can stay cool & calm will be necessary too

[liferedo]

Thanks RayKay, I was thinking the same thing.

 

BTW RayKay, the first quote in your sig was by June Masters Bacher. She was a romance novelist big in the 80's......