He went soft..

[Leighton]

I just had the strangest sexual experience, if you can even call it that.

 

I posted about this guy before. I met him online and am now seeing him. So yesterday we got into a bit of a fight and I told him I didn't wanna do 'this' anymore, and I was coming to get some stuff I left at his house. I realized how ridiculous I was being, and decided to apologize in person. So I went over (really late) and did so and he said he didn't expect me to apologize otherwise he would have asked me to come earlier. He asked me to sleep over and I said ok. Problem solved.. so we started cuddling and kissing, and we've never gone past that yet. But things were escalating and I was really horny so I took it further. He always got hard when we made out, and it wasn't any different this time. Clothes came off, he went down south and then he went COMPLETELY soft. I ignored it and kept going.. and he said he had to pee. Came back, I asked if he had a condom. He says "I don't use condoms". And I was like "Yeah well you do with me, there's some in my purse!". Then he said he was allergic to latex :S. Mood was completely ruined so we just layed there hugging eachother.. and I was baffled. I had no idea what just happened. I wanted to ask if it was me, but I didn't. He kept kissing me and said he wanted me to come back this week so we could go skating. It was 1 am at this point and he had to sleep.. and I realized I felt too uncomfortable to sleep there after that so I said I was leaving. He was laying on me, and when I said that he just made a disappointed face and turned his head. I thought he was gonna cry or something.

 

We kissed goodbye and I left. I'm beyond confused.. and can't help but to think I turned him off in some way. I don't even expect us to talk anymore after that weirdness. Anyone know what I'm feeling? I dunno if I should text him tomorrow and ask if it was me.. or if I should just go on my with life.

[DueSer]

oh my goodness you are freaking out about this WAY too much...

for one thing, if he is allergic to latex, there are condoms made out of other things, don't take "no" for an answer on the condom issue.

But seriously, I wouldn't be worried about him going soft, it could have been a million reasons, and drawing attention to it will only make him feel self conscious.

Now if it becomes a habit and happens all the time, then yea, I'd bring it up... but a one time mishap? Don't worry about it.

[unnamed]

Dayummm...Awkward!

Well Leighton I doubt it was you because if he wasn't attracted to you then he wouldn't be popping one every time you guys kiss.

My advise would be to wait for him to txt you.

&& maybe try to get an explanation from him?

If he doesn't txt you then...

On to the next guy!

[cm17]

It sounds like it had nothing to do with you and he was probably a bit nervous in the situation. Sounds awkward though. He mentioned wanting to go skating so the incident may have impacted him, however he still is wanting to see you. I'm sure he must have been a little embarrassed. Latex allergies are common but there are other condoms that can be used, I'm surprised he didn't have any of those. I'd wait until he sends you a text, likely though he is feeling self conscious especially if he seemed like he might be on the verge of tears, so he might have reservations.

[generaldiscord]

Alright: Here are some top 5 reasons a guy would go soft.

 

5) He's not in the mood.

 

4) He's had a bit too much to drink.

 

3) He's really really tired.

 

2) He rubbed out a couple after dinner.

 

1) Some chick just caused him a ton of stress by breaking up and getting back together for almost no reason at all.

 

Guys like their equipment to be in proper functioning order. When it doesn't, it makes them nervous. What you should have done when you realized that he wasn't turned on is to do what any generous partner would; stop initiating and get some sleep. You would expect him to do the same, I hope.

[WockaWocka]

There could be a million reasons, but I don't think it was a lack of attraction to you. He clearly likes you. I think he felt really embarrassed about it but tried to indicate that he still wanted to see you. The fact that you left and didn't sleep over might have made him think you aren't interested. I'd send him a quick hello text tomorrow just to see how he's doing.

 

Good luck

[nutbrownhare]

It's not at all unusual for guys to have problems maintaining an erection the first time you try to have sex. It just isn't talked about much! A combination of nerves, maybe feeling a bit jittery because you two had had a fight earlier, wanting to pee and then having to discuss a condom (I've never met a guy who liked them) would have been a turn off for many guys.

 

It seems you're giving him a lot of mixed messages, too. Rather than having a fight and then going round to apologise, then saying you're going to stay over, only to leave at 1.00am, try and keep your cool in the future. I'm guessing he must have felt really hurt when you left after he hadn't been able to keep his erection; this can be really upsetting for men, without you then walking out on him. I don't understand why you weren't able to stay and show some affection towards him - a little less emotional pressure would have been much more likely to give you the results you wanted.

 

By all means text him. But don't mention this incident again, unless it's just to laugh it off at a much later date if everything works out between you. Don't put him on the spot by asking him if it's you. So if you do text him, make it light-hearted and just say you'd like to go skating.

[d24]

different POV:

this was nothing to do with being soft to me.

 

it's sometimes hard (ba-boom-ch!) to maintain an erection when you're concentrating on other things like 'going down south' so this was not the problem... i think this was him wanting/expecting unprotected sex, possibly making up excuses for it (maybe he is allergic to latex, who knows?), and then him feeling dejected when you quite rightly (and well done on that by the way) rebuffed him.

 

Don't worry about this, you did nothing wrong. He needs to learn to respect his sexual health. and if I were you I'd demand he take a STD test before getting sexual with him (with protection) because if he 'doesn't use condoms' then God only knows what diseases he could be harbouring

[ElectricSheep123]

The first time I was having sex with my ex, I also had difficulty maintaining an erection, and when I did, I couldn't achieve orgasm. I was very attracted to him. But I was also very nervous because I liked him.

I think he made up that condom story. He was nervous about ti, so he refused a condom knowing that you wouldn't go through with it. I can understand your frustration and disappointment. But I think you really hurt him by leaving. Hurt his ego. He may be too embarrassed to be around you for a while. But you did nothing wrong. And I'm sure he is attracted to you.

[Leighton]

For some reason, it didn't even occur to me that he might have felt hurt if I left. Now I feel like a complete a*s!

[Stilgard]

Let me tell you the most likely issue... he got quite nervous and his erection dropped. The problem with that is that until he gets confident again, he might have some trouble with it. Im sorry to tell you that you did the completely wrong thing in leaving... you should have just cuddled, had a glass of wine and told him that you will be ready whenever he is.

 

The good news, first rock hard erection he gets his doubts will be over.

[Leighton]

Oh man.. here comes the guilt.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible now.. he's probably super embarrassed. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Should I say I'm sorry for leaving, or just leave it be?

[r3ni]

Oh man.. here comes the guilt.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible now.. he's probably super embarrassed. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Should I say I'm sorry for leaving, or just leave it be?

 

Personally, I think if you ever find yourself asking if you should apologize for something it means you should. Next time you see him bring some non-latex condoms (although really, if he is allergic he should have some already).

[oldenoughtoknow]

Contrary to popular belief, not all guys are dawgs. It's early in the relationship. You hadn't had sex yet, so it was far from familiar territory. You'd just gotten into a fight and broke up with him. Then you came over and apologized, when he was probably thinking you were just there to pick up your stuff.

 

Also contrary to popular belief, most guys do have some emotions. He was probably feeling sad because of the breakup. Then he was no doubt surprised when you wanted to reconcile. Then he was even more surprised when your makeup make out went the distance.

 

True to popular belief, most guys aren't that adept at processing their emotions, and you gave him a whole lot to swallow in the short course of an evening. Then when he couldn't perform, you got up and left. Anger, sadness, confusion, elation, anxiety, fear, dejection. All I can say is, Phew!

[Stay_home]

Sometimes women are often times very insensitive with a man if his equipment isn't functioning properly. Guess what? It happens. At that moment, that is a very sensitive and insecure individual that you need to be very tender with. That is a weak moment for us and we need your support. By you getting up and leaving in the middle of the night, that was not a good look on your part and that's probably why his face turned red when you did that. That is the worse, never ever do that. Unless he had truly done something to make you uncomfortable, stay there. I have been in similiar situations where either myself or the woman I was seeing was just having a hard time that night and I didn't get up and just roll out on them. If anything, I'm thinking it's just one of those off nights and I'm eager to try again later or the following night. Things do happen. So we hold each other, maybe talk about it for a few and then we squash it and look forward to the next time. We roll over and go to sleep and try it again in the morning.

 

Now that you've done that, anytime you two get intimiate he's going to feel very insecure and unsure of himself because you already walked out on him once before.

[Leighton]

After reading all of your replies, I can definitely now see that I did the wrong thing. I feel awful about it. I apologized and he said it was ok, we'd make up for it. Truthfully, I think he's just being nice and he doesn't ever wanna see me again. And I totally understand that, so I'm gonna let this one go. We were never actually dating, so our whatever we had will just fizzle out.

 

I reacted poorly, but it had never happened to me before so I was confused. Thankfully now I know for if it ever happens again. I'm a little sad, I liked him but after last night.. he has every right to run from me. Live and learn.

[nutbrownhare]

I apologized and he said it was ok, we'd make up for it. Truthfully, I think he's just being nice and he doesn't ever wanna see me again. And I totally understand that, so I'm gonna let this one go.

Hun - he just told you that it was OK and that you'd make up for it! Why can't you take him at his word? The bit about him never wanting to see you again doesn't seem to have come from him at all. I understand that you're feeling guilty at the moment - and that's the bit you need to let go. You've apologised, and I very much doubt that you'll do this again.

 

Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing which ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy; it also seems that the initial problem arose because you assumed it was something you'd done wrong and then felt badly about, and left ... with consequences which hadn't occurred to you at the time. You really need to look at what's happening in reality, and kick all your self-doubts into the long grass - where they belong! Can't you see that by 'letting this one go' you're potentially rejecting him yet again because you've ASSUMED that he won't be interested in you? You need to be very, very clear about who's doing the rejecting here - and it isn't him! Sadly, your attempts to protect yourself, however understandable, risk hurting both of you - so be careful ...

 

Good luck!

[oldenoughtoknow]

^^ I gotta agree. I doubt that he's just being nice. If he weren't interested, he'd bolt. I think you're letting your defense mechanisms paint yourself into a very small, lonely box. Sometimes, it's okay to accept a risk.

[swampyankee]

This happened to me after a night of heavy drinking. We got all naked and I couldn't get it up. There was actually 2 women involved - talk about embarrassment! I did what I could to pleasure the gals and one of them ended up passing out anyway. The second girl and I spent quite a bit of time in bed together after the first one was out of the picture. She made me feel very comfortable about the whole thing . We joked about it and I told her I demanded a re-match. We stayed in touch and I got my second chance, which apparently went well, since we're still together 2-1/2 years later!

[generaldiscord]

Oh OP, I'm sorry if I was harsh.

 

We just have to remember that most guys aren't the players and jerks who have no feelings and only care about getting laid. Some guys are really nice, and nervous, and just want someone to accept them. I think that when you are in bed with someone, you are very vulnerable. You should always try to make them feel comfortable. If something goes wrong, you have to try and make them feel like they aren't less of a person. It's like, if you didn't get wet right away and he hightailed for the door, that would be hurtful, right? Most guys are nice... so just remember that.

[Stilgard]

Oh man.. here comes the guilt.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible now.. he's probably super embarrassed. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Should I say I'm sorry for leaving, or just leave it be?

 

Do you like this guy?

 

If you do, just call him up... tell him that you really want to see him, that you miss him... be nice and gentle. Get together with him and be caring and sweet... just makes sure he's confortable and if he is, things will go smooth. If it happens again, just tell him that you know he's a bit nervous, and that he shouldn't be... that he can try anytime whenever he feels confortable. trust me, if you are caring, the problem will fix itself REALLY quick.

[Leighton]

Thanks for all the replies. =)

 

It's been a few days, and we haven't talked. As expected. I apologized, but I know I screwed up. It's all good, there will be others!

[Mortrom]

Well, as a 19 yr old male, I kinda wanted to let you know that, when that stuff happens, it's how you play it off. You can just play it off like it's no big deal and the guy will follow and be like "yeah * * * * happens" or personally I would. Sometimes it doesn't go up, and personally it happens mostly when going south if it happens at all. Also personally I don't think you should have felt guilty at all for leaving, if you don't feel like being there, don't stay. Talk about it and be open about it later if you're not comfortable then. He was probably young, you're young (well so am I but still) everyone's still learning and trying to get comfortable with themselves. It's all good in the hood. I know you're like moving on and I caught this thread late, I just felt like after reading it, no one really touched on how I would have felt.

[IsThisIt]

Oh man.. here comes the guilt.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel horrible now.. he's probably super embarrassed. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again. Should I say I'm sorry for leaving, or just leave it be?

 

Just try again with him, don't bring it up, and if there's another issue, don't leave.

[IsThisIt]

Thanks for all the replies. =)

 

It's been a few days, and we haven't talked. As expected. I apologized, but I know I screwed up. It's all good, there will be others!

 

He may be embarrassed about the whole thing. Take the lead, invite him to try again... if you are at all worried about having made him feel bad, the one way to make that up is to give him another shot.