Gift giving for Chirstmas: When is it over the top?

[shandi]

Last Christmas I was absolutely head over heels in love with my boyfriend of 4 months. I went overboard with the gift-giving. He lost his parents decades ago and was living thousands of miles away from any of his family. I thought it would be sweet to put together a tree for him, decorated in traditional ornaments/lights from his country of origin. I wanted to take him back to his childhood christmas. So, I shopped on-line to find traditional pepper lights and candle/bubbling lights. I also bought him a stocking and stuffed it with small but thoughtful gifts. But I didn't stop there. I also bought him about three other gifts. I coordinated this whole christmas experience for him, set it up in our hotel room before he got there and then suprised him about a week before Christmas.

 

While I think he was touched and appreciated what I did for him, I think I went WAY OVERBOARD. I was warned by close friends, both male and female to keep it basic (give him just the tree or just a couple of presents). I ignored them. I thought that my affection for him was felt equally in return and there was no harm in expressing that through gift-giving.

 

I got nothing from him initially. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said, "Oh, I like candles and chocolate... that's a idea." So, it was weeks after Christmas when he finally got around to giving me something. He kept saying, "Dang it, I forgot to bring your gift." Finally, I reminded him. Turns out, I got exactly what I asked for; a box of chocolates and candles. He didn't have to think at all. In fact, there was literally no thought on his part. He didn't even remember to give them to me.

 

I ended up feeling foolish and pathetic. Our relationship lasted six more months before I finally dumped him for not showing me affection. In fact, I'm pretty sure he was seeing someone on the side. He stuck around because I treated him sooooo well but... he didn't feel much for me in return.

 

This year, I'm filled with memories of where I was emotionally last year. I miss that feeling of overwhelming love for another person. Regardless of how much you feel, you should really try to repress how much you express unless you know it's felt in return.

 

Don't make the same mistake I did this year for Christmas. Listen to your friends who warn you to keep it simple, especially if your relationship is young. Don't go overboard. You're only pressuring your boyfriend/girlfriend to reciprocate and setting yourself up for heartbreak. Don't assume your partner feels love to the same degree you do.

 

Anyone agree or have simliar experiences? Is it okay to shower your loved one with gifts? Please, if you want to post a comment, don't remind me of how stupid I was. I already know that. I think we do things that go against common sense when we are madly in love. I also know that you shouldn't "expect" to get anything if you love someone. It isn't about materialism. It's about the "thought". Before you unleash the gift monster on your SO, imagine how you will feel if he/she gives no thought whatsoever to you in return.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think what you did would have been fine if you'd been going out for several years or you were doing it for your children.

 

Honestly, it was very thoughtful of you and it's shame that things didn't work out better.

[shandi]

Yeah, I go way out for christmas. I spend the entire month of December every year picking up and delivering presents for local foster children (through an organization I belong to). It keeps me in this constant state of "gifting". My children benefit immensely from my holiday state of mind. It didn't occur to me until I read your comment that my gift to him may have been more suited for children. I know you weren't saying it was "childish" but for this first time I'm thinking that it may have been. A guy probably doesn't want a flip'n christmas tree.

 

Thanks for saying it was "thoughtful". Wow, it retrospect is seems soooo pathetic and probably a bit irrational.

[generaldiscord]

Yeah, I'm also constantly worried about gift giving (just wrote a thread about it, in fact!)

 

I think it's important to understand that just because you do something nice doesn't mean that the other person has a strict obligation to do the same. Say I spend 150 bucks on my boyfriend and he cooks me coffee in the morning for christmas. Well, it was my choice to buy him presants, so if he doesn't, that's totally fine.

 

I mean, what did you expect him to do? How can you possibly one-up a gift which probably took hundreds of hours of thought? Not everybody is inspired.

 

I say, if you want to give something, just give it. Just understand that if they don't know what to give or they feel awkward or broke, you might not get anything in return.

[shandi]

generaldiscord: I totally agree. You shouldn't expect to get anything in return. And if you get nothing you shouldn't be hurt. Honestly, I wasn't hurt at all initally. I didn't even have the sense to see how he kept forgetting to give me my gift. I made excuses for him in my mind, "He doesn't have as much disposable income... Christmas isn't as important to him... etc." I was in love and oblivious to all the signs until months later.

 

Even though I was warned to keep my gift simple, I was flooded with emotion and a large bank account. I think it sends the wrong message when you go overboard with the gifting. It has the same effect as smothering someone with emotion. I just wanted to warn others not to do what I did.

 

I read your thread and think your gifts sound lovely and thoughtful.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yeah, I go way out for christmas. I spend the entire month of December every year picking up and delivering presents for local foster children (through an organization I belong to). It keeps me in this constant state of "gifting". My children benefit immensely from my holiday state of mind. It didn't occur to me until I read your comment that my gift to him may have been more suited for children. I know you weren't saying it was "childish" but for this first time I'm thinking that it may have been. A guy probably doesn't want a flip'n christmas tree.

 

Thanks for saying it was "thoughtful". Wow, it retrospect is seems soooo pathetic and probably a bit irrational.

 

You sound like a wonderful person, to be honest.

 

And, I wasn't calling it childish at all, but saying more than 'making' christmas for someone is typically what parents do for children, and not something you do for a partner. It's just so selfless that people don't know how to respond to it.

 

We live in a very "Me" centered culture. Whether that's good or bad is up for debate. But, things that are entirely selfless and centered around making things happen for someone else come off as strange. People will question your motives or why you feel the need to go all out.

[Anonymous122]

I agree with others, you sound like a wonderful person! That aside, I usually like to set price limits with someone I'm dating.

[generaldiscord]

He probably "forgot it" because he hadn't bought it yet. Or maybe I just think so because I totally said that once a long time ago...

[Cognitive_Canine]

I agree with others, you sound like a wonderful person! That aside, I usually like to set price limits with someone I'm dating.

 

Yes, my boyfriend and I typically cap at 80 bucks depending on our financial situation. (One year it was home made presents only because money was tight).

 

It's to prevent one person from outshining the other. The holiday is about thought, and people shouldn't feel bad because their measly gift doesn't hold a candle to their partners.

[shandi]

You sound like a wonderful person, to be honest.

 

And, I wasn't calling it childish at all, but saying more than 'making' christmas for someone is typically what parents do for children, and not something you do for a partner. It's just so selfless that people don't know how to respond to it.

 

We live in a very "Me" centered culture. Whether that's good or bad is up for debate. But, things that are entirely selfless and centered around making things happen for someone else come off as strange. People will question your motives or why you feel the need to go all out.

 

Wow. I don't know how old you are but I'm betting you're wise beyond your years. I wish I knew about ENA when I was dating this guy. I really could have benefited from the advice. Here I was, trying to recreate this guy's childhood christmas so to ignite the christmas passion... uhhhhh... I think I've watched "A Christmas Carol" a few too many times. I think I need to get control of this monster before I date again. I think I tend to come off as "strange" quite often.

I agree with others, you sound like a wonderful person! That aside, I usually like to set price limits with someone I'm dating.

I think this is great advice. There should be some sort of discussion before going off on a wild spending spree thinking that will be well received.

 

He probably "forgot it" because he hadn't bought it yet. Or maybe I just think so because I totally said that once a long time ago...

 

Yes, I thought he may have not bought it yet. In fact, I think I pressured him into buying me something by giving so much to him. It most likely took all the joy out of giving something to me. Now he was faced with having to keep up and pay up. Ugghh, not the message I was trying to send. I just wanted him to enjoy Christmas for the first time since losing his parents. Not something I should have done for a man I knew for only 4 months. As cognitive canine pointed out, I should have reserved this type of gift for someone I knew for years.

[IsThisIt]

gift giving early on can be kind of dangerous -- whenever I've given someone a really nice gift in the first couple of months, whether christmas or a birthday or whatever else, the relationship didn't last. It wasn't necessarily the gift that did me in-- I think instead the fact that I was motivated to give such a nice gift meant that I was really interested in her and was worried about her not feeling the same way and therefore tried to win her over with a great gift. So the gift was just the symptom of a larger underlying problem that was the real thing that did me in.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Wow. I don't know how old you are but I'm betting you're wise beyond your years. I wish I knew about ENA when I was dating this guy. I really could have benefited from the advice. Here I was, trying to recreate this guy's childhood christmas so to ignite the christmas passion... uhhhhh... I think I've watched "A Christmas Carol" a few too many times. I think I need to get control of this monster before I date again. I think I tend to come off as "strange" quite often.

 

Do you typically try to 'take care' of partners? Maybe you do it when they feel that they don't need to be taken care of at all at the time?

[shandi]

gift giving early on can be kind of dangerous -- whenever I've given someone a really nice gift in the first couple of months, whether christmas or a birthday or whatever else, the relationship didn't last. It wasn't necessarily the gift that did me in-- I think instead the fact that I was motivated to give such a nice gift meant that I was really interested in her and was worried about her not feeling the same way and therefore tried to win her over with a great gift. So the gift was just the symptom of a larger underlying problem that was the real thing that did me in.

That is EXACTLY it! Why do we think a gift will win them over and make them more attracted? I wouldn't stand beneath the window of someone I was newly dating, pouring my heart out in song. I would look like an idiot, right? So why did I do it with gifts? I've been on the receiving end of an inappropriate or costly gift in a young relationship and I also had a negative reaction. How easily I forgot this when I wanted to smother someone with gifts.

 

Don't do it!!!

[shandi]

Do you typically try to 'take care' of partners? Maybe you do it when they feel that they don't need to be taken care of at all at the time?

 

Yeah, I never thought I did this, but... that might be it. This might be why I date guys who don't have their lives in order. Trying to fix 'em I guess. It feeds my ego if they need me or their lives improve while dating me. Codependence... I know. And yet I wonder why I end up the "buddy" rather than the "lover".

[Cognitive_Canine]

I am like this. I typically go for 'bad boys". Not jerks or anyone who will treat me badly but guys with darkness. I want to help them and make them happy again.

 

It's somewhat a media thing. We grow up watching movies about guys down on their luck or players or depressed, and then they meet this girl...this girl like no other girl before. They met their match and the guy turns his life around. Some girls really want to be that girl.

 

But, people rarely change and typically they drag you down with them rather than you helping them up. You have to protect yourself. Not put up walls but make sure that you're getting just as much as your giving. It's a partnership not a martyrdom.

[shandi]

Cognitive Canine: You've got this whole thing figured out. Seriously. I want to be that girl. I want to be the one they always remember, the one who changed their life. And I am! They always remember me, long after I'm GONE. I get these emails and phone calls from old flames, thaking me for being a part of their life, changing them for the better, inspiring them to finish their degree or reconnect with family, etc. Mission accomplished huh? What a crappy mission. What good does it do me to have a guy remember me as that really awesome girl that inspired him to want more from his life... if I'm no longer in it?

 

Even now, I'm fantasizing that come Christmas, he'll remember how great I treated him. He'll pull out those cute little pepper lights from a box he keeps in the back of the closet. He'll remember the girl that re-aquainted him with the magic of Christmas and memories from his childhood. What a great movie that would make. Meanwhile, reality is him scraping money together to buy his new girlfriend something special.

 

The challenge for me will be to hold myself back when I fall in love again. Because inevitably, I will. Thank you cognitive canine (You're one smart puppy).

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you knew it all along, you just needed someone to call you out on it.

 

You can still have your darkness. They just have to be someone that doesn't need your help. My boyfriend had low self esteem and depression before me but he didn't need anyone. He would have been fine on his own.

 

You need to find someone who will let you take care of them but doesn't need you to take care of them. And, I use the word 'care' very liberally. Don't mother them but care for them like a partner would.

[newwave]

OP, you sound like a great person and how I used to be. Years ago I got big into Christmas and spent a lot on boyfriends (did this for friends too). One boyfriend I bought him several books he wanted and another I bought him several outfits. Doesn't sound like much but it was more than it was. The boyfriend I bought books for didn't even call me for Christmas, let alone buy me anything. The second guy to be "funny" bought me broken kids toys he bought at a flea market. I was living with him and expected something. Yeah that hurt really bad that I spent time buying them gifts, putting thought into it, and for both I even made a nice dinner.

 

I've since learned that this isn't something I'll do again unless we are very serious. If it's a guy I am just dating I might get them something depending on if they get me something. The amount will depend on the seriousness of the relationship. Otherwise I won't. I won't spend that much money on a guy I'm dating unless he becomes my husband. My husband will get nice gifts, because I'd expect that from him.

[shandi]

I think you knew it all along, you just needed someone to call you out on it.

 

You can still have your darkness. They just have to be someone that doesn't need your help. My boyfriend had low self esteem and depression before me but he didn't need anyone. He would have been fine on his own.

 

You need to find someone who will let you take care of them but doesn't need you to take care of them. And, I use the word 'care' very liberally. Don't mother them but care for them like a partner would.

You're right, I just needed to be called on it. Honesty from a perfect stranger was exactly what I needed. Thank you.

 

OP, you sound like a great person and how I used to be. Years ago I got big into Christmas and spent a lot on boyfriends (did this for friends too). One boyfriend I bought him several books he wanted and another I bought him several outfits. Doesn't sound like much but it was more than it was. The boyfriend I bought books for didn't even call me for Christmas, let alone buy me anything. The second guy to be "funny" bought me broken kids toys he bought at a flea market. I was living with him and expected something. Yeah that hurt really bad that I spent time buying them gifts, putting thought into it, and for both I even made a nice dinner.

 

I've since learned that this isn't something I'll do again unless we are very serious. If it's a guy I am just dating I might get them something depending on if they get me something. The amount will depend on the seriousness of the relationship. Otherwise I won't. I won't spend that much money on a guy I'm dating unless he becomes my husband. My husband will get nice gifts, because I'd expect that from him.

 

In the future, I'll give one gift. Another gift will be hidden under the bed in the event the first gift is well recieved. No more overly thoughtful or sentimental gifts unless the relationship is considerably serious. I'm DONE!

 

I can't believe someone thought broken gifts were funny.

[newwave]

In the future, I'll give one gift. Another gift will be hidden under the bed in the event the first gift is well recieved. No more overly thoughtful or sentimental gifts unless the relationship is considerably serious. I'm DONE!

 

I can't believe someone thought broken gifts were funny.

 

He thought it was funny and it hurt because it was worse than not getting a gift at all. I ended up giving the toys to a charity (they fixed them) but it hurt bad. I keep presents on hand so when someone unexpected gives me a gift, I have more for them. I've had guy friends give me lots of presents thinking it would win my heart.

[shandi]

I've had guy friends give me lots of presents thinking it would win my heart.

 

This statement intrigues me. How did you know it was "to win your heart"? Do you think there is the slightest chance that our gifts are viewed the same way?

[newwave]

This statement intrigues me. How did you know it was "to win your heart"? Do you think there is the slightest chance that our gifts are viewed the same way?

 

I don't know but my friends told me that's why they did it. It didn't work though because I didn't want them as anything but friends.