Is a divorce inevitable?

[colesmom]

I don't think I have ever been more unhappy then right now. I have been married for a year and one month, and we have been together for a year and 7 months. So that tells you right there that we got married six months after we met. That was a mistake. I got pregnant four months into the relationship and he wanted to get married right away and I didn't, I wanted to wait until after the baby was born but I did it anyway. To begin with he had a son from a past relationsip that I never liked. He is five now. I can not stand his son, I can't stand his ex, and I can't stand him most of the time. He works and I don't, which is usually no big deal except all he does leave all of his things around the house and never picks up after himself and he knows that I would just do it for him. And everyone tells me not to do it but I have the compulsive disorder to clean so I can't help that. He spends absolutly no time with our son who is now 7 months old. He doesn't change diapers or feeds him or play with him or anything. I understand that he works and I never bother him about it during work hours ( i sould probably say he owns his own business in the house so he is home all day) and I also understand that he needs to relax and now it has just gotten to the point where I don't ask him for anything.

As for his son, I just don't know where a to start. I suspecting about a year ago that the kid had some sort of disorder. He's five years old, pees and poops pants in the middle of the day, throws the most horrible tantrums, doesn't listen and was suspended from preschool. He has stabbed a kid with a fork at school, kicked teachers, and the list goes on and on. I brought it up to my husband and he said that he is a perfectly normal five year old. Well now things are worse. I don't want his son around mine because of the bad influence, I can not even be in the same room with and I have honestly never seen him be good.

Well because of me not wanting to be home when his son his home, it causes us to fight constantly. ( I should probably also add him that we have his son tues, thurs and every other weekend) I just can't get along with his son and I have tried so hard, I as so full of hatred for him and that is not like me at all.

Just this past weekend, my husbands and his ex pulled his son out of the day care he was in because he got called everyday to pick him up and he went ahead and agreed to take him on all these extra days and didn't even ask me about it.

I feel as if this marriage could never work because of the way i feel about his son ( I refuse to call him my step-son) and I just got so angry and frustated when he is here. I don't want a divorce because i want the son we have together to have both parents together which is rare these days. I just don't know what to do. We never have sex, can't get along, and fight and its mostly about his son. I need help

[kdreger]

Most people who tell you to see a counsellor and that is what you should do, if possible. It is ALWAYS better to get professional help first in the hopes it will salvage the marriage. That said, I doubt, based on what you've said, that you guy will go see one.

 

I hate to say this but it sounds like a bad situation and one you don't want to raise your son in. It is better to raise a child alone then raise a child in a destructive environment.

 

Based on what you've said, he needs to get his 5 year old psychological help. You need to make a decision before that 5 year old has a negative effect on your own son. All future decisions should be based on how they effect your child.

[Gilgamesh]

I have a question, if that 5 year old was yours how would you act? think about that, or lets say his son was the "normal" one and your son was the one with "problems" and he acted towards him like you act agaisnt his.

Hmmm things would be a lot different wouldnt they.

 

The world is not perfect, there are lots of problems in it, and your upset because you have to deal with it. no one forced you to marry him you said "I do" without a gun at your back. there are lots of problems with this marriage thats for sure, and that little 5 year old has little to do with them. If that kid were to go of with his bilogical mom tomorrow things will still be the same between you and your husband. you have this ideal of the way things should be, and you are frustrated that you cannot make them that way, sorry life doesnt work out that way. Isnt it ironic that you admit to having a compulsive disorder but just hate this kid because he has problems too? You didnt like this kid even from before he did all these things, so hey when your looking at him with those kind of glasses of course he is going to be the demon seed.

 

I think its time you learn how to love unconditionally, that little 5 year old is not an adult yet he is far from perfect and will make tons of mistakes just as your son will, the one thing he needs more than anything is love, its not his fault his real momma is gone, its not his fault you hate him, because what you really hate is what he represents.

 

If you want this or any marriage to work, do not expect perfection, you already recognize that you have a compulsive disorder to make everything clean and tidy, well this also makes you frustrated when your life isnt the same. Kids = Chaos learn to live with it, dont blame them for being kids.

 

 

When you get the time, rent a movie called "Parenthood" its a comedy with Steve Martin, but has lots of great messages in it. actually anyone that hasnt seen it, should watch it, its just a wonderful movie.

[colesmom]

I would like to add that the kids mom is not gone she has him most of the time. I am not even a step-mom, and the kid doesn't know what that is he knows me as his dads wife. And I don't want to hate the kid, but I can't help it. I have tried so hard to get along and it just doesn't work. I love kids but I guess its different. A lot of feelings are involved, like jealousy hatred and the fact that he gives more attention to his son than the son we have together and that really bothers me. And I honestly believe that if the kid wasn't around things would be better but thats not going to happen and I would never ask that. I don't know what to do, I don't want leave but I don't want to stay either

[Val_76]

I'm not really sure I agree with the above poster about unconditional love and about the fact you have a bad way to see the situation. I think being pregnant can be assimilated to having a gun in your back, it took you hostage of your situation. It happens a lot. Love is something that should go both ways. It should be given and it should be received. You're not supposed to be only a cleaner for your husband, you're supposed to exist in his heart too.

 

You teach your children how to behave in society, the fact that the son of your husband act that way only show that he have no supervision whatsoever, it proves that he think he can do anything he wants without fearing any consequence because the only person that should take action when he's behaving badly (his father) do nothing to correct him. I'll say its almost too late for him now, it would take the work of both of you and your husband as a united parental authority to put him back on track. It doesn't seem that this is going to happen in a near future. I don't say its impossible for him to correct himself, I say its unlikely and its in fact likely to get worst. You should make sure that your son is never alone with him since jealousy could get in the picture and since the son of your husband seems to be violent you never know.

 

I wouldn't go for a divorce right now since its the really last thing to do. Maybe you can save up whats left of the love you're feeling for your husband. I would go for a warning shot instead. If communication is failing and if your husband just take for granted that you will always be there to pick the things he drop on the floor than prove him wrong.

 

You say you don't work and that he work at home. You should find another place to stay for some time. Be sure to state to him why you are doing all of this, be sure to try to communicate your fears to him before you do so. It if fails then just go decompress somewhere else like at your mothers place. Take your son with you and go take some vacations. If he's violent then call the cops. This should make him think.

 

As to remake your life with your son and with someone that will love your son like its his its entirely possible. Don't fear to act because you fear to be alone in the future.

[Scout]

I know that you are seeking help for your situation, but in all honesty, I feel terrible for the five year old boy. He is obviously suffering from some kind of disorder, or emotional issues, and he is not getting the help he desperately needs from anyone. The poster who said its probably too late to help him - he's five years old, for goodness sake!

 

Life hands all of us incredible challenges at one time or another, and we have more power than we realize to deal with these challenges. I know you are experiencing intense dislike for the child right now, but is there anyway you can get his mother or your husband to send him to a child psychologist or something? I know this is a responsibility you never wanted, but - the fact is, he is partially your responsibility. You did make the choice to become the partner of his father. Please - step up to the plate here. It doesn't sound like anyone else is going to, and that is really, really sad.

[waveman322]

The five year old child is and innocent and his bio parents are the ones guilty of letting him get the way he is. Is there hope for him only time will tell if he gets some professional help.

 

Your husband has taken on more responsiblity for his son from his previous marriage but does not show your son the attention that a good parent should. You already see the outcome of his parenting in your step son. When it comes down to it your son is priority 1 as your stepson. If at any time he causes harm to your son then you tell your husband that he needs to monitor his son.

 

Your husband should have consulted with you before assuming that his son could spend more time in your house. If he is going to be a father then he needs to do it as deqaul as possible between the two boys.

 

It seems you will need marraige counseling as well as counseling for your stepson. It is a package deal when you married his father,but his father should be doing more to correct his behavior. He has to learn accountability. If he does not learn it now then he never will.

 

Your husband needs to take parenting classes as well as couples counseling.

[Scout]

Good advice, too, Waveman. Is it possible we could get an update on the situation from the original poster?