Very Upset...preferably need a guys point of view but open to all...please!

[Smile1607308089]

This will be a bit long, but want to give you guys the full picture. I'm 30 y/o attractive female. On Oct 30 I met an old high school friend out who I've had a secret crush on for two years. He ended up contacting me and asking me on a date 2 days later...I was psyched. We went out and just clicked. Had dinner and endless conversation. He opened car door for me, paid for dinner, walked me to my door at the end of the night where he gave me a nice peck on the lips goodnight. He mentioned that he had a great time and that it's really hard to connect with someone. He suggested we go out again that weekend.

 

He came to pick me up Saturday night and my parents were in town staying at my place for the night. I was hesitant b/c I didn't want to pressure him by forcing him to meet them. I gave him a heads up that my dad was at my place so he wouldn't feel funny. He was great with it and actually came in and had a glass of wine and talked with my parents for 45 minutes. We went out on another great dinner date...laughed and laughed. Afterwards, we went to his place and hung out in the living room talking watching tv, holding hands until 4am. He mentioned that he was really happy he got to meet my dad since my dad's not in town very often. I was shocked he said something like that so soon. We kissed and made out a bit and it was amazing. He drove me home around 4am. The next day he invited me over to watch football with all his friends and roomates. I didn't want to push it but was excited and went anyway. We had a blast and that night he told me he was really happy how things were going and excited as to where they were going. I agreed and gave him a kiss. He also said things like "oh when you meet my mom, yada yada etc..."

 

He also surprised me with concert tickets to a sold out show I really wanted to see. Things were going great. He had me over and made me a great dinner. This is all within one month. I also had him over for dinner one night. I invited him to my friends wedding and he agreed to be my date in Jan. I really wanted to sleep with him, but was trying to hold out at least a month since I really like him and wanted to give things a real shot.

 

I never brought up the "relationship" topic or asked him where this was going. I never mentioned being bf/gf. Of course he could sense I liked him but I was trying to play it cool.

 

I had to go out of town for Thanksgiving and that's when I sensed a shift in him. When I got back he made no effort to see me, was very distant, took hours or a day to return a call or text...you get the picture. I tried not to be pushy and gave him his space. I could not figure out what went wrong.

 

Finally I tried to tell him that I'd like to get together to hang out, that it had been a while.

 

Today I got a text that read this: "Hey I apologize for being so distant, I jumped into things too fast and felt I was miss leading you. I just recently came out of a two and a half year relationship and should have communicated better with you. I feel pretty stupid about not saying anything. I'm not looking for a serious relationship...that being said, I don't know what you are looking for either. I have a great time hanging out with you and I just don't want to lead you on to something I'm not ready to do right now."

 

I am so upset...he is the one who said all that stuff in the beginning about the future. I never even said stuff like that. I never said I wanted a relationship but I guess he could sense it through my actions and he got scared.

 

Does anyone disagree with me that everyone wants to be in a relationship---but it has to be with the right person? So when someone says they don't want a relationship, they really don't want one with YOU. Or is it possible he all of a sudden doesn't want one, when in the beginning he surely seemed excited to pursue one with me!? I don't understand! I'm afraid he met a girl who is playing it so cool and hard to get and he's being drawn to her. I feel horrible about myself for just being honest and up front and not playing hard to get. I regret not giving him a challenge.

 

I am not sure how to respond to the text...but I am hoping that this can somehow be salvaged. We have great chemistry, a lot in common etc. I know it's only been a month but I care about him a lot and have liked him for a while. It is true it's so hard to meet someone you can connect with on many levels...and I had that with him.

 

Also if someone says they just came out of a 2.5 year relationship, (which I believe ended in June) that they don't want to be in another one? I think it seems like a lame excuse because when you have real chemistry with someone, past relationships don't matter when you find something right.

 

Does anyone have any advice as to how I should respond? He really was in to me in the beginning and got spooked. Should I have slept with him? He never pressured me to do so either. He is everything I've wanted in a significant other.

 

Please...I need your advice. I am so upset and want to react appropriately.

[CSLX9]

You should be more cool about this. I think you're being sliiightly ungrateful.

Here is a person who seems to have treated you exceptionally well and enjoyed time with you.

And has also cared enough about you to send you a text message explaining why he can't

be with you right now. I think you ought to be thankful for that part and maybe even more

understanding, since I don't think you know what his last relationship was like. Perhaps

he was brutally betrayed for all you know and just feels bad starting another relationship

so quickly, perhaps when he can't put 100% into it, emotionally. Be glad he told you, instead

of getting into serious business with you, just to break up for the same reasons he has now.

 

And that hard to get business... Don't start it, it's rubbish. I think you should be proud

you were up front and honest, seems like a value that's becoming increasingly rare.

You shouldn't feel any regrets whatsoever for being honest and upfront.

All that being a challenge, hard to get thing, I think it's rubbish.

Also, no you didn't have to sleep with him... I think you ought to reserve that for

when you get more serious.

 

I can understand you feel sad about the situation, but it could have been so much worse.

There's nothing to say you can't develope things at a later time, when he has gotten himself

together again and such.

 

I think you should tell him that you understand and that you very much appreciate him saying so.

And that you really really enjoyed the time you spent together and would hope to have more

nice times with him. Something along those lines, where your dignity is preserved.

[ImNotYourBabe]

I'm a strong believer in if he is telling you he doesn't want a relationship its that he doesn't want one with YOU. You see a million times how guys say this to a girl and then a few months down the road they are in relationships or are engaged...they met the person they actually want to be with. The first time someone shows you who they are believe them, he's showing you.....But I'm a female..we can see what the guys say.

[FreakAndUnique]

Does anyone disagree with me that everyone wants to be in a relationship---but it has to be with the right person? So when someone says they don't want a relationship, they really don't want one with YOU.

 

I think you are right. Because it is not unusual to feel a little fragile at the start of any relationship, because there is a reason for being single!

 

It is difficult to know why this guy has changed from being ultra keen to cold. I wouldn't drive yourself nuts over it ... for me, as a man, this guy is mildly creepy (I mean, his original behavior seemed a little over the top for me), and now it seems he is just after sex.

 

It is difficult, however, since it seems you like this man. I would say something honest to him. Say something like how he changed from ultra-keen to cad, and that you simply don't know what to make of it. Don't let him push you around ......

[FreedomRing]

How "recent" is "just recently got out of a relationship"?? That answer is important.

 

1) Maybe him and his ex were in communication over the thanksgiving holiday. Now is the time of year alot of ex's start reaching out to one another for a variety of reasons.

 

2) Again, if this was so recent, I think he may have come off "coupley" with you due to wanting to have that feeling of being close with a SO again..

 

3) He may have been dating other chicks and maybe someone else perked his interest.

 

4) He may have had time to reassess while you were gone, and is legitimately concerned about entering into another relationship so fast after a recent break-up.

[The_Seeker]

I would tell him never to contact you again and tell him that he was thinking to get into your pants. End of story.

[Smile1607308089]

Thank you for all your responses. I believe his last relationship ended in the spring, so it wasn't yesterday. This "not wanting to be in a relationship" stuff is really messing with my head. I don't know if he's done with me and unexcited/uninterested in me anymore...or if he just truly needs some space and still might want to pursue something with me down the road. He was not letting his previous relationship get in the way of anything when we first got together. In fact, he said "You know why this is going so good? Because it's the way it's supposed to be". By that, I believe he meant it was just easy and felt right. That's why I feel like he does want a relationship....but not with me anymore and I think it's because he sensed I wanted one. F'd up, I know. I could truly drive myself crazy. Also, maybe his roomate tried to talk him out of it b/c he was afraid of losing his wingman. Guys, is this possible...or if my guy really liked me, would that matter? I'm just wondering WHAT I DID that slowly made him change his mind. I even got along great with his friends.

 

Ok so I was thinking about sendin this text:

 

"Thank you for your honesty. I apologize if I gave you the impression that I wanted to be in a serious relationship. That's not something I usually decide until I really get to know someone. I was having fun, enjoying your company and taking it one day at a time. I must admit, I'm a little confused b/c you said you were happy with the way things were going and excited as to where they were headed. Not sure what changed, but if you need your space, I understand

 

What do you guys think?? I don't want to be needy, but want to get my point accross and also I'm truly hoping I can still have a chance with him. Feel free to offer editing suggestions to my text!

 

PS my other concern is that...with Thanksgiving and both of us being busy, about two weeks have passed since we've done anything date-like (we met at TGIFridays once with his buddy too last Thursday). If after 2 weeks he doesn't miss me, I'm afraid in this instance, absence will not make the heart grow fonder, but will instead make him forget as time goes by. Especially since we did not sleep together....which usually leaves behind steamy memories.

[The_Seeker]

I wouldn't bother responding. This is me. If you feel the need to respond to him go for it.

 

I just think it's stupid if someone is not ready for a serious relationship and didn't say that before asking someone out, it's just plain evil.

 

If he said "Hey, I want to hang out with you as a friend and get to know you." Then he can send that text to you. And you can respond that text to him.

[Smile1607308089]

Really? He really was a gentleman. I don't get the feeling that's all he wanted b/c I was probably going to do it with him soon anyway. And he committed to a wedding in January. Then again, I could be wrong.

[The_Seeker]

Really? He really was a gentleman. I don't get the feeling that's all he wanted b/c I was probably going to do it with him soon anyway. And he committed to a wedding in January. Then again, I could be wrong.

 

Honey, it's called acting.

 

He did well on his performance. ;]

[iBroken]

I think that he is really just sending you the slow down text....I dont think that he is dumping you. I think he is just scared at the tempo and pace of how things are moving.

[annie24]

Oh Smile, it seems like you were doing everything right!!! and now this. i totally understand. My vote is that his ex got in contact with him recently (or they met up) and now he is confused.

 

"Thank you for your honesty. I apologize if I gave you the impression that I wanted to be in a serious relationship. That's not something I usually decide until I really get to know someone. I was having fun, enjoying your company and taking it one day at a time. I must admit, I'm a little confused b/c you said you were happy with the way things were going and excited as to where they were headed. Not sure what changed, but if you need your space, I understand

 

I think your response is good. I like the part in the bold. it's like, 'hey - buddy, who said i wanted to be serious with you!??'

 

i think what you wrote is good - now back the hell way off. in fact, you can take 6 days to respond if you really want to. he wants, space, give him LOTS of space. i bet he will be begging you for a date 2 weeks from now.

 

i really hate how 'skittish' some men (especially american men!) get. it's like things are going well and then they freak out over some imaginary thing.

[The_Seeker]

Oh Smile, it seems like you were doing everything right!!! and now this. i totally understand. My vote is that his ex got in contact with him recently (or they met up) and now he is confused.

 

 

 

I think your response is good. I like the part in the bold. it's like, 'hey - buddy, who said i wanted to be serious with you!??'

 

i think what you wrote is good - now back the hell way off. in fact, you can take 6 days to respond if you really want to. he wants, space, give him LOTS of space. i bet he will be begging you for a date 2 weeks from now.

 

i really hate how 'skittish' some men (especially american men!) get. it's like things are going well and then they freak out over some imaginary thing.

 

Some damn true. Maybe I should go out with International Men.

[Smile1607308089]

So should I remind him that he's the one who said "I'm really happy with the way things are going, I'm excited as to where they're headed, It's not easy to find a connection with someone, When you meet my mom..., I'm so glad I met your dad, I want to be up front and honest from the beginning, I don't want to put any walls up, I'm excited to see you. etc etc etc. He WAS interested to the idea of a relationship in the beginning. Not knowing what changed is killing me. I'm so upset b/c if I did something different, he'd still be excited about me.

 

If you think he's just pulling back, then how do i handle it...(sorry for my redundancy)

[annie24]

I think that's totally fine - you can and should 'call him on it' and i think you did so in a really good way. i think your text is good because it's being nice and keeping the door open, but it's also saying that he was the one who was pursuing YOU!!

 

I don't necessarily think you did anything wrong. i think he got in touch with his ex. that's where my money is anyways.

[CSLX9]

I also think it was a super good text.

Something that really would suck was if you got b**chy.

And about what he said, with this is how it's supposed to be or should be...

Well that could be telling of, that he had a bad relationship and thinks

that the time you had together is how things should be, with people

being happy, honest and enjoying eachothers company.

[Smile1607308089]

AHH I'm so confused! I have people telling me not to respond at all. And others telling me what to say I said above.

What about the wedding? I RSVP'd for two...and he said he'd come. Do I mention it or wait a few weeks? Do you guys think he just wants to take it a few steps back or was his text a nice way of breaking up with me. I can't take this stress. Not to mention that I am sitting home on a Friday night with nothing to do and I'm wondering what he's doing.

[Stay_home]

There are limitless #'s of reasons as to why people just fall off the map all of a sudden. And I know it's hard to do, but that's really why I try not to invest a lot until I'm hella certain I know what I got in front of me. Then again, you're never sure what's there -- so just goes to show you just how much investing it is I really do. People are real fake sometimes about things like that; judge them by what they do and not neccessarily just by as they say. People say any and everything to lay down with you. And I'm not saying that was his motive from the beginning. But it's so easy to slip out of the tongue sometimes when you get caught up in that moment and you don't really realize the things that you say have an effect. I think that was the case, here.

 

The Prediction

 

I think he just got caught up in the moment with you and wasn't really thinking about how he really was feeling on the inside. When you left on your trip, you weren't there. He had time to think. And incase you don't know, a man is dangerous alone with his thoughts. So he started thinking and began to realize that perhaps he wasn't quite ready. How do I know? Let's say that I've been there before. Broken up out of a 3 year relationship, once in love, feeling betrayed. Months later, I'm in another relationship thinking that I'm doing something. I was dead wrong, tho. Cause I wasn't really "there," my mind was still on my 3-year and the misgivings about that.

 

So maybe infact he was being genuine and trying to spare you the grief of dumping his emotions upon you. And so for that, I think you should respect him for his honesty and not for being like every other guy out there and trying to use you. If I'm wrong, than it was just a lie and there's a chance that he might be working on trying to resolve things with his ex of 2.5 years. However, my smart money is on my initial prediction.

[Smile1607308089]

Thanks 2 sided coin. How do you think I should respond or play this out? I know I cannot change anyone, or control what happens...but I truly truly want to give myself the best chance to make this work if there is one. They say let it go and if it's meant to be, it will be...but I really don't know what to do.

[Smile1607308089]

Should I ask him if something happened when I went away for Thanksgiving? or Did something change when I went away for Thanksgiving?

[Stay_home]

Should I ask him if something happened when I went away for Thanksgiving? or Did something change when I went away for Thanksgiving?

 

Honestly sweetheart, you need to move to dc....

 

No seriously, if I was you. I would just fall back. I don't see anything good going toward your heart from this situation and I think hanging on would do you a lot worse. He's unstable right now, unpredictable. You might start talking to him, getting your hopes again and then get shot back down. So I don't really think it's worth it to get too close. Just my opinion, I think you might be better off finding somebody more sure about what they want.

[Smile1607308089]

I'm sorry but I am just so upset...I don't know what to do. I know you all may think I'm overreacting, but I really thought this was going to turn into a beautiful relationship. I don't think of myself as a naiive person...but he was acting so excited and interested that I got so hopeful. I am so tired of being let down and I finally thought that someone came into my life who I've been waiting for. I'm so angry at myself for giving him the impression I wanted a serious relationship. I can now deny that fact to him all I want, but the truth is....I do want one with him! And he knows it without me saying it! And I showed my cards, stupidly, because I thought he wanted that too. Now I can't stop thinking about the way he kisses, the way he makes me laugh uncontrollably, his intelligence and generosity, his handsome looks, his interests that are similar to mine, he lives close by, we are close in age...it is breaking my heart that someone I felt so compatible with is now walking away. I don't know whether to think it's over or if he just wants some space. I am afraid to ask and afraid to say the wrong thing. I have not yet responded to his text. Been crying all night (pathetic, I know). Not sure if and when I should ask him if he intends to come to my friend's wedding with me (he said yes weeks ago, but things could be different now). I just keep thinking about how great I thought the future would be and also going over and over in my head every minute that we spent together, trying to figure out where this train fell off the tracks. I'm not sure if his "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" text was his way of letting me down easy and breaking up with me, or if it was his way of telling me he needs some space. And since I don't know how he truly feels, I don't know how to respond appropriately. I ask you all for advice, but the truth is, none of you know him either...so no one can say for sure what I should do. I am not super religious or anything, but he is everything EVERYTHING I've been praying for and I cannot believe it was handed to me and then taken away......I feel like I can't catch a break.

[Smile1607308089]

One more thing...Really need an opinion here. Should I end my text back to him by saying "so do you still want to continue seeing eachother on a slower basis?" Or something to that effect? My gut tells me I probably should not ask cuz i'd be setting myself up for rejection and pushing him away even more...but how am I supposed to know where we stand otherwise? I don't know if his text to me was to say he wants to slow things down but still enjoy my company...or if he's done with me. Please read his text to me and what I was going to say back and let me know what you think. I guess if I leave it open ended, time will tell? Should I tell him I'm still open to seeing him or pretend like I'm done. Not sure which would get his attention more.

[The_Seeker]

Stop caring about him. Seriously. You're devoting all your time about what ifs, and what he likes.

 

Time to take off the focus on the guy who is not putting any effort toward you.

 

Time to put effort on you.

[annie24]

I would not follow up to ask if he still wants to see you, nor would i ask what happened over thanksgiving. a man alone with his thoughts is a dangerous thing, i agree, lol. honestly, no. the important thing (or at least, what is relevant to you) is that he is not ready to be serious with you. I suspect if you disappear, he will come looking for you. and that is good, you want to keep him coming to you, not the other way around.

 

I would call the bride or groom and tell them you have changed your RSVP to 1. i wouldn't expect him to go with you, no. and why should he? if you are single, you should go single and meet some single man there! don't drag him along.

 

I am sorry. I do see potential for things to move forward. I think especially if you leave him alone, then he might realize he made a bad mistake (hopefully before some other man snatches you up!!)