Recent ex wants to stay in touch/be friends..recipe for disaster or some hope?

[Nixee]

So I know that being "just friends" is often a recipe for disaster... especially if one party actually wants to be back together... but this is what my very recent ex (broke up last week) has told me basically....

 

He was crazy about me at first - big sparks, big infatuation, lots of feelings. Then somehow I guess the feelings started to just... dwindle. And he didn't really want them to, nor could he say why. At first he even said he wanted to "keep dating and just see how things go". But then I think he could see it was clear that I still felt quite a lot and my feelings were just deepening (as they normally would and should), and he was getting stuck in neutral I guess? So... he broke it off. He actually said he was starting to feel as though I was more a friend at some times and it was as though trying take it further sometimes was weird.

 

I'm very confused by this. The relationship was not very long to begin with... only 3 months. For him to go from so smitten with me romantically to downhill towards friendship is confusing. He even admits to being confused himself and says he can't give any reason for it and thinks I'm wonderful and he isn't mad at me in any way.

 

I also know there is no one else. He is quite introverted and I'm actually only his second girlfriend. The one worry I have had is that he still has some issues with his ex, who did hurt him when she broke up with him a couple years ago, although they remain on friendly terms.

 

He says now that he wants to stay in touch with me, even be friends. Because I care for him so much... of course I feel like I want this.... but am I fooling myself into hoping his feelings will come back?

 

Is there a chance they would? Why would they appear so strong and just disappear so fast? I understand better if they were never there to begin with, because I've experienced that myself.

[HeartGoesOn]

He says now that he wants to stay in touch with me, even be friends. Because I care for him so much... of course I feel like I want this.... but am I fooling myself into hoping his feelings will come back?

 

Is there a chance they would? Why would they appear so strong and just disappear so fast? I understand better if they were never there to begin with, because I've experienced that myself.

 

Not to sound harsh, but yes you are fooling yourself into thinking his feelings will return by staying friends, as many do. I think your chances of this happening would be much greater if you him told that being friends is not possible, and if he wants to try again in the future to contact you, and you'll consider it.

 

All the best...

[SeaDunkel]

I agree with HeartGoesOn 100%

[abitbroken]

that's not seeing eachother very long. It is possible he figured out it wasn't a love connection for him. Don't stay friends if you have feelings. "friends" would be appropriate if you both came to the same conclusion that its not a love match. it is not up to you to solve his issues with his ex or hope he comes around.

[thespecial1]

It was probably a defensive move, he subconsciously probably didn't want to get hurt again or he might be nervous because your his second girlfriend and he is not too sure what to do .... maybe being friends is just what he needs to see how good you are and give him a good stability and it can benefit you by figuring out what is really going on with him just don't put your heart on the line too much.

[MayJane]

Yeah stay away for sure. Do the NC see what happens x

[Nixee]

Not to sound harsh, but yes you are fooling yourself into thinking his feelings will return by staying friends, as many do. I think your chances of this happening would be much greater if you him told that being friends is not possible, and if he wants to try again in the future to contact you, and you'll consider it.

 

All the best...

 

My gut reaction when he told me he wished we could be just friends was actually to flee ... I have since calmed down and we are talking civilly, though keeping fair distance. Generally... I do feel this way about exes. If things aren't settled, no friendship, no contact.

 

And I know I do need space right now...

 

The rest I just haven't figured out. I think if we were to be friends at all, some healing time would be necessary. And I know if I felt uncomfortable at all... I would be the one to run. I honestly wouldn't stay friends with him JUST to win him back... I would want to be friends with him because I have come to truly value his friendship.

 

Perhaps you are right... and I have to think about it. I don't know if I'm ready for NC yet though Only been a few days

 

It was probably a defensive move, he subconsciously probably didn't want to get hurt again or he might be nervous because your his second girlfriend and he is not too sure what to do .... maybe being friends is just what he needs to see how good you are and give him a good stability and it can benefit you by figuring out what is really going on with him just don't put your heart on the line too much.

 

I thought about the stability thing, as that definitely seems to be something he values a bit... and yes I've definitely thought about issues and insecurity regarding his emotional experience and his ex. As abitbroken pointed out, it isn't my job to fix him... yet at the same time, when you begin to care very much for someone, you do start to notice and care about what makes them tick. And yes, he is defensive by nature - introverted, generally upbeat but can be depressive, sometimes avoidant/changes subjects.

 

*HE* certainly seems to think being friends with me is what he needs/wants. But I don't know if that is just him being greedy because it feels comfortable to him and that way he doesn't lose anything.

 

Ugh... its just so confusing to me! Only a month ago he was nuts about me.. couldn't keep his hands off me or stop telling me how pretty I was/wonderful I was, etc. Now its... rewind to friendship.

[sophia7]

"He says now that he wants to stay in touch with me, even be friends. Because I care for him so much... of course I feel like I want this.... but am I fooling myself into hoping his feelings will come back? Is there a chance they would? Why would they appear so strong and just disappear so fast? I understand better if they were never there to begin with, because I've experienced that myself."

 

If you want more than friendship, which it sounds like you do, being "friends" is a recipe for prolonging your pain and confusion. Do feelings that were strongly there sometimes just disappear suddenly and for no reason that the person can point to? They can but I have to think people who do this are often confused internally to begin with. Their ambivalence may be more deeply rooted than they realize and not necessarily be tied to the person they are with. Regardless, you being with him as friends or otherwise while he has himself (and you) on the emotional roller coaster is very corrosive to the self-esteem and in general not a fun time. I agree - if it was never strong feelings to begin with, it would make more sense. If it was a case of no shared values, life goals, compatibility, physical attraction, same.

 

There are lots of potential partners in the world who won't let you walk away. I am telling myself that, too! Take good care.

[Nixee]

Thank you... very well said and very good food for thought. While, as I said, I'm not sure I'm quite emotionally ready for a clean NC break from him yet... we are keeping a cool distance at the moment, and I will certainly keep mulling these words over, along with everything else said.

[thespecial1]

what you should do is take some time for your self away from him and think if it is really worth being just friends maybe he is greedy and just wants a FWB which is not good for you if you still like him you know him better than any of us so weigh your pro's and con's but guard your heart until you know his full intentions its not your job to fix him but if you can help him than do what you can maybe you will be the one to figure him out just don't make it your priority.

[Nixee]

I don't think FWB is at all on his mind. I'm only the second woman he has been with and he needed to feel decently committed to me before we had ever slept together.

 

And yes, I agree that I can't fix him... nor do I want that headache. I've been down roads like that before. Of course I like the idea of being there for him and being a friend if I feel I am emotionally able to...

 

I guess time is what I need.

[Fancythis1]

I'm sorry but I see the "let's be friends" jargon as a trap. It usually only brings comfort to the one who doesn't really want the relationship. It allows them to get their "fix" when they see fit but their "fix" is usually not needed as often as yours. Therefore, you are the one who winds up with the short end of the stick. I would start NC and if he sorts out his feelings and misses you enough, he knows where to find you. Trust me, trying to be the friend= feeling like CRAP!!!!

[Ms Darcy]

You are still processing the relationship. It's not a good idea to say with him as friends right now since you need to process the break-up as well. Good luck.

[Nixee]

Well.... I just wrote him an email telling him that I cannot be friends with him right now

 

I basically told him that imbalance between us had been our problem for a little while now, and if we try to be friends, though it sounds great to him, it is really just the same problem - more imbalance.... as whether I realize it or not I will be sitting there wondering if he will change. Because at this time I'm just really not okay with settling for "only friends" with him.

 

So I told him that if he wants to try again, tell me.

 

And if I feel healed and well enough down the line, I may contact him then. And I hope truly we will be friends someday in some capacity... because we really do have so much in common and get on so well.

 

Ugh... can't stop crying and hurting Nice to think he will change his mind and chase after me... knowing full well that he just told me how wonderful I am. Yet I know he won't. They never do.